Need some advice on my son

Noddy Nangle · 28-05-2020 6:43am #1

Hi there

My son turned fourteen as couple of weeks ago. The pandemic has been hard on him as we live in the country and he hasn’t seen many of his friends over the past few months. Instead he stayed connected online or through his phone which to be honest was a god send as it occupied him from boredom. Anyways the other day I managed to get him a job for a couple of days a week with a friend of mine so that he can begin to learn life skills and develop a work ethic. When I told him first he told me that he wasn’t doing it and gradually over the past few days this has become a real issue and yesterday I took his xbox and phone from him, his reaction was to go mental and we haven’t really spoken to him since. I never lost my temper with him and I told him I was doing this because I loved him but he point blank refused to listen. It really hurts me to do this to my son but I think that he need to go to work for social interaction and to learn the lessons of life, the Xbox doesn’t provide these lessons. Any advice ??

UPDATE - Many thanks for all of the advice and it’s much appreciated. Just to clarify a few things that came up in the comments.

1) I had spoken with him throughout this year to coax him to get a little job for himself and be independent but was always met with a “no”. Therefore I pushed on and asked my friend (who is the child’s godfather) to help me out. I told him would he let him do two days a week and I suggested to give €40 per day. Just to compare when I first started working at 14 I was paid £40 per week for five full days. My friend cares for the welfare of my son and would look after him whilst helping to introduce him to doing some light work.
2) The job doesn’t involve meeting the public and would be mainly working outdoors or in a warehouse with no machinery involved. The job is located about 500 metres from our house along a back road so he could walk or cycle to work and even come home for lunch if he wanted.
3) To those that think I am bullying him then I just want to say that you are wrong. I am trying to prepare him for adulthood. This has nothing to do with either the work or the money. He will still have plenty of time to enjoy his friends and his summer.

I am also conscious that we are living in strange times and I don’t want him to be cut off from his friends so at lunchtime I told him that I am proud of him as a son and his has made me proud many times as he grew up. But I told him that myself and his Mam were very disappointed in him for refusing to take the job. I said that he can have either the phone or his Xbox back but only one and he has to tell me which one, but whatever one he doesn’t pick with not be given back to him. If he changes his mind on the job then he can have both. I think it’s the best I can do.

Peregrinus · 28-05-2020 6:45am

What's the job?

And is he being paid for it?

And what is his objection to it?

Flickerfusion · 28-05-2020 6:51am

I’d point out the legal minimum age to work in Ireland is 16 and there’s a massive pandemic on at the moment.

Have you considered the fact that he might be very concerned about being put in that position right now.

It’s also illegal to do non essential work at this stage in the lock down and you’re being asked to work from home it at all possible, even later in the summer.

We are being quite literally paid to stay at home.

These are not normal times.

Not in Kansas · 28-05-2020 6:53am

It is my opinion that someone who has only just turned 14 is very young to be working. 15/16 is quite different. A lot changes in that couple of years.

Did your son know you were trying to secure him paid work, or was it a complete surprise to him? That may explain the reaction also.

Not in Kansas · 28-05-2020 6:56am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

I’d point out the legal minimum age to work in Ireland is 16 and there’s a massive pandemic on at the moment.

Surprisingly, that's not true. During the school holidays, it's 14.

28-05-2020 6:59am

I’d say he’s far more concerned about being separated from his X-Box than catching Covid . There are hundreds of his age group out and about in large groups everywhere this week, they’re not worried about catching any virus.

Hope it works out OP , I’d stick to my guns if I was you , been there !

Flickerfusion · 28-05-2020 7:01am

Not in Kansas wrote: »

Surprisingly, that's not true. During the school holidays, it's 14.

This is term time. He should be working on school remotely.

We are *not* in school holiday season yet. It’s May!

RurtBeynolds · 28-05-2020 7:02am

Did you ask your son if he wanted to work? He's only 14, plenty of time for him to acquire a work ethic. He's going to spend his whole life working, maybe just let him be a kid for a couple more years?

You're not going to do yourself any favours by imposing these kinds of things on him. Maybe had you talked to him about it first, explained the benefits of him having a bit of extra cash in his pocket every week he might have been more open to it.

28-05-2020 7:10am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

This is term time. He should be working on school remotely.

We are *not* in school holiday season yet. It’s May!

At 14 he’d be in secondary school , they’d be on holidays from tomorrow 29 May..........next working day after Bank holiday Monday is Tuesday 2 June, so school’s out !!

Flickerfusion · 28-05-2020 7:11am

I would suggest you go read:

https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/ad5dd0-easing-the-covid-19-restrictions-on-may-18-phase-1/#work

This stuff isn’t a fuzzy optional guideline.

Personally, I’m shocked anyone would send a 14 year old into a work place scenario in this environment. It makes absolutely no sense and I am not going to be polite about it.

Is he an essential worker?
Does he need to be there right now?
Could he be doing something else?
***There is a pandemic***

28-05-2020 7:18am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

I would suggest you go read:

https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/ad5dd0-easing-the-covid-19-restrictions-on-may-18-phase-1/#work

This stuff isn’t a fuzzy optional guideline.

Personally, I’m shocked anyone would send a 14 year old into a work place scenario in this environment. It makes absolutely no sense and I am not going to be polite about it.

***There is a pandemic***

OP has not said what kind of work it is , it could be fruit picking , farm work ,helping a landscape gardener . They live in the countryside! Things are getting back to normal anyway , pandemic is passing , lots of work has started , everybody is out again and business is screaming for faster restrictions (not dragging this thread off topic).

I picked strawberries locally from the age of 13. My kids both worked at 14 (a few hours every morning) helping at a riding school . OP has not said what kind of work or frequency of work. He’s not sending him into Google HQ every day !

XsApollo · 28-05-2020 7:24am

I wouldn’t send any of my kids out to work at 14, sound a bit extreme to me to be honest.
I’d give them something to do for a bit of money or unless it something very casual for a bit of money and they actually wanted to do it.
But if they didn’t want to go and work I wouldn’t be taking all their stuff and having arguments about it.

Saying that I did work in the morning before school cleaning the windows in a local chipper for one hour twice a week before school when I was 15.
I remember I was asked did I want to do it as it was available and I wanted to.

Flickerfusion · 28-05-2020 7:32am

Businesses reopening is one thing. Kids being (or even adults doing work experience) on site is an entirely different matter.

I would most definitely advise finding some other projects to occupy him.

These have been a rough few months for everyone.

Not in Kansas · 28-05-2020 7:35am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

This is term time. He should be working on school remotely.

We are *not* in school holiday season yet. It’s May!

How can you be so wrong twice? School finishes officially tomorrow.

Flickerfusion · 28-05-2020 7:41am

Not in Kansas wrote: »

How can you be so wrong twice? School finishes officially tomorrow.

Fine!

Send a kid out to work in a pandemic.

I give up!!

If this is how laid back we’re all going to be, we will be back at square one before long and the last 3 months of economic turmoil will be for nothing!

Given the circumstances at present, what’s being proposed on this thread makes absolutely no sense.

It’s nothing to do wrong reopening the economy. It’s to provide a life experience in the middle of what is probably the most bizarre health circumstances we have witnessed in more a century.

Alrigghtythen · 28-05-2020 7:47am

There a lot if drama in this thread. Op there is no reason why your son should not be out working. Good on you for parenting and teaching him some responsibility. It'll do him good and he'll get to meet a few people instead of being stuck in the xbox. He cant stay locked inside forever wrapped in cotton wool.

sydthebeat · 28-05-2020 7:48am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

This is term time. He should be working on school remotely.

We are *not* in school holiday season yet. It’s May!

My secondary kids are already finished their school year

morebabies · 28-05-2020 7:56am

I think it's a really good idea to give him a work ethic at age 14 if his life is currently dependent on social media and gaming. You're not the only parent in this position particularly at the moment when teen lads are expected to stay at home, and well done for withdrawing his access to them and asserting your role as a parent.

But if the job doesn't work out for health / safety reasons, maybe give him something at home to do which fulfils the same requirement, eg. Repainting a room, starting a vegetable patch if that's an option. And have it as a bargaining tool, if you don't spend x amount of time working on it during the day, you won't get your devices back.

Ash.J.Williams · 28-05-2020 7:56am

sydthebeat wrote: »

My secondary kids are already finished their school year

Think that poster has left the building

28-05-2020 7:57am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

Fine!

Send a kid out to work in a pandemic.

I give up!!

If this is how laid back we’re all going to be, we will be back at square one before long and the last 3 months of economic turmoil will be for nothing!

Given the circumstances at present, what’s being proposed on this thread makes absolutely no sense.

It’s nothing to do wrong reopening the economy. It’s to provide a life experience in the middle of what is probably the most bizarre health circumstances we have witnessed in more a century.

Your reaction is slightly over the top although I agree with your previous comment that these few months have been very tough on everyone .......there may be alternatives to work for this 14 year old.

Community spread has been almost eradicated and this poster lives in the country, very likely to be outdoor work. There is a level of extreme fear and hysteria about Covid now which is just as dangerous as the virus.

A huge amount of people have worked throughout this , not in the countryside but in shops, hospitals and offices . Tens of thousands returned to work this week .
A few hours work for a 14 year in someone’s garden or farm is not going make the virus resurface and kill thousands. Life must go on now, hand in hand with Covid. Virus can’t be killed off , it’s here.

But these are 2 different points , maybe at 14 this young teen just needs a bit of company and stimulation away from the XBox

chooseusername · 28-05-2020 7:58am

Not in Kansas wrote: »

How can you be so wrong twice? School finishes officially tomorrow.

It's mid-term break, not school holidays.
Quote;
During the school term, a 14 year old can’t be employed while a 15 year old can be employed for 08 hours a week. During holidays/summer term, the weekly working hours are 35 hours for both 14 and 15 year olds. Under the work experience program, the weekly working hours are 40 hours a week.

Noddy Nangle · 28-05-2020 8:34am

Peregrinus wrote: »

What's the job?

And is he being paid for it?

And what is his objection to it?

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

Noddy Nangle · 28-05-2020 8:39am

Flickerfusion wrote: »

This is term time. He should be working on school remotely.

We are *not* in school holiday season yet. It’s May!

School finished last week for him

28-05-2020 8:41am

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

That’s €5 an hour , for an 8 hour day.
I think that’s too much work every day for a 14 year old.

I think he could get away from the XBox and restriction of that is good , but this seems to be one extreme to the other. 3 days a week would be good though.

Phoebas · 28-05-2020 8:45am

OP, maybe he's pissed off that you went and arranged a job for him without discussing and agreeing it with him first.

I understand that you might like him to have the responsibility of having a job, but if he's old enough to take on that responsibility then he should be old enough to have a choice in the matter too.

wirelessdude01 · 28-05-2020 8:47am

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

What is the job?

Noddy Nangle · 28-05-2020 8:47am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

That’s €5 an hour , for an 8 hour day.
I think that’s too much work every day for a 14 year old.

I think he could get away from the XBox and restriction of that is good , but this seems to be one extreme to the other. 3 days a week would be good though.

It’s only two days a week

Not in Kansas · 28-05-2020 8:48am

chooseusername wrote: »

It's mid-term break, not school holidays.
Quote;
During the school term, a 14 year old can’t be employed while a 15 year old can be employed for 08 hours a week. During holidays/summer term, the weekly working hours are 35 hours for both 14 and 15 year olds. Under the work experience program, the weekly working hours are 40 hours a week.

What country do you live in? It's not mid-term break. Irish secondary schools officially finish for the summer holidays tomorrow.

wirelessdude01 · 28-05-2020 8:49am

chooseusername wrote: »

It's mid-term break, not school holidays.
Quote;
During the school term, a 14 year old can’t be employed while a 15 year old can be employed for 08 hours a week. During holidays/summer term, the weekly working hours are 35 hours for both 14 and 15 year olds. Under the work experience program, the weekly working hours are 40 hours a week.

Irish secondary schools are either finished or are finishing up this week. Are you based in the UK?

Nozebleed · 28-05-2020 8:51am

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

i agree with OP. no harm in getting the young lad summer work at 14.

there's far too much drama in the media and general society regarding the pandemic.

im sure if you were to show him a price list of xbox games or general gaming equiptment his mind set will be different after a few days. understanding the value of money at 14 will be great for him.

Peregrinus · 28-05-2020 8:52am

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

€5 an hour is, frankly, not a lot - less than half the national minimum wage for an adult. Hell, it's well below the minimum wage for someone under 18 (which is currently €7.07.) Which kind of reinforces his point - you can hardly argue that he's old enough to go out and work, but not old enough to be paid the going rate for the work. Your typical 14-year old has a well-developed sense of justice when it comes to how they are treated themselves, and he will certainly feel it as unjust that he is compelled to do work that he doesn't want to do for what would be regarded as an exploitation wage.

I get why you think it would be beneficial for him to get a job, and if he saw the benefits and wanted the job I wouldn't be too fussed about the low wage rate. But he doesn't want the job, and the wage he's being offered underlines the point that he's not really up to doing a proper job yet.

And he's already quite stressed because of the effects of the pandemic on school, sports and socialising; I wouldn't pick a row with him over this, and I certainly wouldn't punish him by withdrawal of privileges. Negotiate with him over this about how much work he thinks it reasonable to do - perhaps 8 hours a week instead of 16? Perhaps during holidays only? - and also see if you can get a more respectable hourly rate of pay. Or agree with him that you'll revisit the question in a year's time, when he's 15.

Need some advice on my son

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