Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Worried and let down

Options
  • 10-12-2019 11:18pm
    #1
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭


    Hi Folks,
    Sorry in advance, but this is a long one!

    I'm just feeling so worried, hurt and let down this evening after a pretty horrible discovery last night.

    So My Partner, with whom I thought I was rock solid has been texting a much older married man, in secret and has lied about it to my face.

    I made the discovery last night. We had been for a family day out with my daughter on Sunday and she had taken some lovely pics on her phone. She sent them to me last night through FB messenger so I could choose which ones to get printed today. When I went to look through them on my phone, my battery died. So, I asked her if I could look at them on her phone and she said no probs. She went out to the kitchen to make a cuppa. So, I went into her fb messenger to the message she sent me, and I saw a message there from a local delivery guy (who calls to our home quite often with takeaways etc). No big deal, until I noticed this particular conversation was on MUTE. I could see the first line of the message and it read like a message between two close friends. I said nothing and went to look at the photos.

    About an hour later, I went to make another cuppa, and when I came into the room, my partner quickly stopped what she was doing on the phone and dropped it onto the sofa. I'm not proud of this, but when she was next out of the room, I went in and looked again (far from my finest hour). I was really surprised to see that message thread had been deleted. However, When the phone was in my hand, another message came through. It was a reply to whatever she had said to him before.

    Basically, she has been texting this guy, with the conversation on mute, and deleting the messages. I confronted her about it. She denied that she had been texting him at all. I asked her to open her phone and she did so reluctantly, and low and behold there was yet another message. She then went on to say that she has it on mute because she doesn't really want to talk to him, and that she never responds to him. However, the message she had just received was clearly a reply to whatever she had asked him in the last message she sent and deleted. She then went on to tell me that she hasn't done anything wrong. I asked her if he was pestering her, and if she doesn't want to talk to him, why she responds to him and she couldn't answer me.

    I asked her why she lied about having secret text conversations with a married man. Why was it on mute? Why delete them? She just got really flustered and gave me some garbled excuse about always deleting her messages, despite having a full inbox.

    Then, the sucker punch came. She let it slip, that last week he asked her to meet up with her. She says she just "forgot" to tell me and that she didn't meet up with him and ignored the message.

    This is so out of character for her. We have always had 100% trust. Never lied to each other. Always tell each other exactly how we feel. Now I'm really worried that something is going on. I feel guilty for snooping in her phone the second time, but at the same time, I fell vindicated as she has been texting this man in secret. I'm so worried, as I love her to bits, and she has a great bond with my daughter also.

    To make matters even more concerning, at our annual theatre wrap party last weekend, we had both agreed to go home early as we were so worn out from our annual pantomime. However at the last minute she decided to stay on and said she would ring me in an hour to come and get her. So, I left around 10.30pm. Three and a half hours later, no phone call. She went completely off the grid. I called a few times to see if she needed a lift or if she wanted to stay on at the party. She eventually landed home at 4am. Again, completely out of character. She would always check in with me, and vice versa to let each other know we are ok etc.

    Now I'm thinking, did she leave the party and go and meet this guy maybe? Or am I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? I was looking at photos from the party posted online. She's not in any of them, except the ones taken when I was still there, the photo's I'm in. Any photo's taken after that, she's not in them.

    Some advice would be greatly appreciated on how to approach this issue. I don't want to come across as controlling or anything by checking up on her, but I just knew in my gut something wasn't right about this and I was right. She told me herself that she sees nothing wrong with texting this guy. I also have my little girl to think of. She looks up to her so much and has a real close bond. :(:(:(


«1345

Comments

  • Options
    #2
    ITman88
    Registered Users Posts: 876 ✭✭✭ITman88


    To be honest it doesn’t sound good. The story she has told you sounds like rubbish, If it happened me I would be of the opinion she is cheating.
    Is she usually easy to approach?


  • Options
    #3
    Upforthematch
    Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Upforthematch


    Hi Op, a breach of trust is massive and raises all sorts of questions.

    I think in any future discussions with your partner though about this you need to stick to the facts. What you mentioned about the messenger texts are facts. Your theory about the reason she was out until 4am is not a fact. I suggest you don't mention this to her because it will imply you have no trust in her at all and it is hard to come back from that point.

    It is reasonable to ask her not to be in contact with this guy anymore. It's not because you're controlling... it's because she felt she had to keep it from you.


  • Options
    #4
    tommythecat
    Registered Users Posts: 676 ✭✭✭tommythecat


    [quote="Confused dad;111989078"She told me herself that she sees nothing wrong with texting this guy. I also have my little girl to think of. She looks up to her so much and has a real close bond. :(:(:([/quote]

    If she thought there was nothing wrong with texting this guy why did she hide it. There is your answer

    4kwp South East facing PV System. 5.3kwh Weco battery. South Dublin City.



  • Options
    #5
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    Upforthematch wrote: »
    Your theory about the reason she was out until 4am is not a fact. I suggest you don't mention this to her because it will imply you have no trust in her at all and it is hard to come back from that point.

    Those were my thoughts exactly, initially anyway. To be honest, this possible scenario didn't even occur to me until today. I just assumed she was having a good time and lost track of time. I had no reason to think otherwise. But her actions over the last week or so have been so out of character that it's becoming increasingly difficult not to draw those conclusions.


  • Options
    #6
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    ITman88 wrote: »
    To be honest it doesn’t sound good. The story she has told you sounds like rubbish, If it happened me I would be of the opinion she is cheating.
    Is she usually easy to approach?

    Yes she is. We have always been able to talk to each other without fear of causing an argument. Always 100% openness and honesty. If one of us isn't happy about something, we come out and say it. Well, that's the way I believed it to be until 24 hours ago.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    ITman88
    Registered Users Posts: 876 ✭✭✭ITman88


    Confused dad wrote: »
    Yes she is. We have always been able to talk to each other without fear of causing an argument. Always 100% openness and honesty. If one of us isn't happy about something, we come out and say it. Well, that's the way I believed it to be until 24 hours ago.

    As the other reply’s have said you have facts and conclusions to ponder.
    It’s a horrible place for you to be. It messes with your head.
    Does she spend much time alone?
    Has she any nights our planned over Xmas?


  • Options
    #8
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    ITman88 wrote: »
    As the other reply’s have said you have facts and conclusions to ponder.
    It’s a horrible place for you to be. It messes with your head.
    Does she spend much time alone?
    Has she any nights our planned over Xmas?

    She would spend quite a bit of time alone in the house ( I work 2 jobs). No nights out planned as of yet.

    I did consider the fact that maybe I'm not paying her enough attention. I'm working every hour I can to keep us afloat. Maybe she enjoyed getting attention from another man because I'm not around enough. Although she has never said this to me.


  • Options
    #9
    Padre_Pio
    Registered Users Posts: 4,944 ✭✭✭Padre_Pio


    Confused dad wrote: »
    She would spend quite a bit of time alone in the house ( I work 2 jobs). No nights out planned as of yet.

    I did consider the fact that maybe I'm not paying her enough attention. I'm working every hour I can to keep us afloat. Maybe she enjoyed getting attention from another man because I'm not around enough. Although she has never said this to me.


    You need to sit down and talk through this. Get a councillor and hash it out.

    There could be deeper issues here (loneliness etc) and you need to get them all on the table to make any rational decisions. No one who's happily in a relationship would so this, so what's making her unhappy. Once you tackle this, and the trust issues caused by this event, you can move on together hopefully.


  • Options
    #10
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    Padre_Pio wrote: »
    You need to sit down and talk through this. Get a councillor and hash it out.

    There could be deeper issues here (loneliness etc) and you need to get them all on the table to make any rational decisions. No one who's happily in a relationship would so this, so what's making her unhappy. Once you tackle this, and the trust issues caused by this event, you can move on together hopefully.


    I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.


  • Options
    #11
    Padre_Pio
    Registered Users Posts: 4,944 ✭✭✭Padre_Pio


    Confused dad wrote: »
    I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.

    And I would hope onto that right now, until you know the entire truth.

    That will only come out with honest conversation, and that is best done with a councillor to mediate and explore what each of you is saying.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    Nerdlingr
    Registered Users Posts: 4,385 ✭✭✭Nerdlingr


    Trust your gut instinct.
    You need to talk to her and confront her over the theatre after-party.....did she tell you where she'd been till 4am? What excuse did she have?
    All sounds completely dodgy to me.
    I was in a similar situation to yourself, no cheating involved, but text msgs etc ..exact same thing, the phone would be dropped as soon as I walked in the room. All the signs were there and eventually I had to face up to it and have the "talk". I wish you luck.


  • Options
    #13
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    Nerdlingr wrote: »
    Trust your gut instinct.
    You need to talk to her and confront her over the theatre after-party.....did she tell you where she'd been till 4am?


    She said she was talking with friends and dancing and had left her phone in her bag and lost track of time. When I asked how she lost track of time for 6 hours she turned the situation around on me saying that I'm always telling her to go out and enjoy herself and when she does I'm asking questions and making her feel guilty.



    She wasn't interested in the fact that she had asked me to either collect her or book a taxi for her in an hour. When I rang and text to she if she was ready (after 3 hours) she wasn't answering. Again, completely out of character. I was terrified something had happened to her, but we had so many mutual friends there, I know they would have called to let me know. And she is always taking photos on her phone, so it's usually in her hand, especially on a night out.


  • Options
    #14
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users Posts: 4,155 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    Confused dad wrote: »
    She said she was talking with friends and dancing and had left her phone in her bag and lost track of time. When I asked how she lost track of time for 6 hours she turned the situation around on me saying that I'm always telling her to go out and enjoy herself and when she does I'm asking questions and making her feel guilty.



    She wasn't interested in the fact that she had asked me to either collect her or book a taxi for her in an hour. When I rang and text to she if she was ready (after 3 hours) she wasn't answering. Again, completely out of character. I was terrified something had happened to her.

    Did you talk to anybody else that was at the party? Without being obvious you could try to find out if she was there, what time they all finished up etc?

    Being out until 4am if that is not her thing would be a red flag for me tbh. It’s quite possible that she is telling the truth and she was at a party but you could probably confirm yourself without accusing her of anything.


  • Options
    #15
    Abel Ruiz
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Abel Ruiz


    She is spoofing. Avoids all the questions.
    You already know the answer to your thread.

    What are you doing with this gimp?


  • Options
    #16
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    The_Honeybadger wrote: »
    Did you talk to anybody else that was at the party? Without being obvious you could try to find out if she was there, what time they all finished up etc?

    Being out until 4am if that is not her thing would be a red flag for me tbh. It’s quite possible that she is telling the truth and she was at a party but you could probably confirm yourself without accusing her of anything.


    My understanding is that she was there at the end of the night to get a taxi home with some of the rest of the group and she rang me at 3.45am from the venue to say I didn't need to come get her as she was getting a taxi with them. I have a gut feeling however that she left the party and came back. Again, this didn't cross my mind until I discovered she has been texting this man in secret. As I said before, I could just be putting 2+2 together and getting 5.


  • Options
    #17
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Since she has been sneaky why don't you do a bit of digging? Ask her casually oh who was at the party?

    Maybe message a friend of hers that she was apparently with and ask them something innocent like oh, did Mary leave that watch I bought her with you at the party the other night? Or, sorry Mary is asleep she just wanted me to ask you do you have her charger from the party the other night?

    A liar needs to have a good memory and you can be almost guaranteed the friend will respond with 'sorry I think you mean someone else, I wasn't at a party with her...'

    Then you'll have your answer.

    It all sounds a bit dodge. No need to hide or delete innocent text messages from a male or a female unless you're hiding something, aswell as the out of character thing, of her staying out and disappearing for six hours with no contact.

    Anything out of the ordinary as they say...


  • Options
    #18
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users Posts: 4,155 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    I’d be really suspicious from what you’ve told us OP if I’m honest. I don’t really have any advice for you but best of luck and I hope you can resolve it and move on.


  • Options
    #19
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    dartboardio wrote: »
    Since she has been sneaky why don't you do a bit of digging? Ask her casually oh who was at the party?

    Maybe message a friend of hers that she was apparently with and ask them something innocent like oh, did Mary leave that watch I bought her with you at the party the other night? Or, sorry Mary is asleep she just wanted me to ask you do you have her charger from the party the other night?

    A liar needs to have a good memory and you can be almost guaranteed the friend will respond with 'sorry I think you mean someone else, I wasn't at a party with her...'

    Then you'll have your answer.

    It all sounds a bit dodge. No need to hide or delete innocent text messages from a male or a female unless you're hiding something, aswell as the out of character thing, of her staying out and disappearing for six hours with no contact.

    Anything out of the ordinary as they say...


    Thought of that however, I really don't want to involve any of our friends and put them in an awkward position. Plus, plenty of drink on board, so memories may be sketchy.


  • Options
    #20
    Nerdlingr
    Registered Users Posts: 4,385 ✭✭✭Nerdlingr


    It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.
    All her actions, as you say, are out of character. You may make excuses for her or you may imagine things that didn't take place at all. There is only one way to find out.
    There are a lot of red flags...if you trust and are honest with each other as you say you are, then you probably need to lay all your cards on the table. For your own peace if mind you're going to have to ask her straight out if anything did or is happening with this other guy. What you do with that information is up to you...deep down you'll know if she's lying or not.


  • Options
    #21
    Padre_Pio
    Registered Users Posts: 4,944 ✭✭✭Padre_Pio


    Nerdlingr wrote: »
    It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.

    1000 times this. You'll end up imagining all manner of ridiculous scenarios and getting bitter and jealous.

    Have your conversation sooner rather than later.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    SteelyDanJalapeno
    Registered Users Posts: 14,240 ✭✭✭✭SteelyDanJalapeno


    Google timeline history?


  • Options
    #23
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    Nerdlingr wrote: »
    It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.
    All her actions, as you say, are out of character. You may make excuses for her or you may imagine things that didn't take place at all. There is only one way to find out.
    There are a lot of red flags...if you trust and are honest with each other as you say you are, then you probably need to lay all your cards on the table. For your own peace if mind you're going to have to ask her straight out if anything did or is happening with this other guy. What you do with that information is up to you...deep down you'll know if she's lying or not.


    I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.


  • Options
    #24
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    SteelyDanJalapeno wrote: »
    Google timeline history?


    I don't understand, sorry!:(


  • Options
    #25
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Confused dad wrote: »
    Thought of that however, I really don't want to involve any of our friends and put them in an awkward position. Plus, plenty of drink on board, so memories may be sketchy.

    Not necessarily, she may be claiming she was more drunk and careless than she was, just to act like she was having too much fun to be on her phone. And the friends won't think anything sketchy of you asking an innocent question, if they do say the dreaded 'she wasn't with me' then you can be like oh **** yeah sorry!

    I think you should do this. Years ago I unfortunately cheated on my boyfriend at the time and like you we were perfect before that, open, honest, really in love. He found out by texting a girl I had claimed to be with, and she of course had said no, she went off hours ago.

    I think it would be worth a shot and the only way of knowing the truth as your gf seems to be making it up as she goes along.

    BTW me and boyfriend four years later have built back up trust and have an amazing relationship. It can work.


  • Options
    #26
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Confused dad wrote: »
    I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.

    I don't think you'll get anything out of him. He's not going to tell you if he's been seeing your partner, and having an affair behind his own wife's back to boot.

    I wouldn't bother with him, that's a dead end. It's your partner you need to speak to.


  • Options
    #27
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    dartboardio wrote: »
    Not necessarily, she may be claiming she was more drunk and careless than she was, just to act like she was having too much fun to be on her phone. And the friends won't think anything sketchy of you asking an innocent question, if they do say the dreaded 'she wasn't with me' then you can be like oh **** yeah sorry!

    I think you should do this. Years ago I unfortunately cheated on my boyfriend at the time and like you we were perfect before that, open, honest, really in love. He found out by texting a girl I had claimed to be with, and she of course had said no, she went off hours ago.

    I think it would be worth a shot and the only way of knowing the truth as your gf seems to be making it up as she goes along.

    BTW me and boyfriend four years later have built back up trust and have an amazing relationship. It can work.


    This may be worth a try then so...


  • Options
    #28
    un5byh7sqpd2x0
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,862 ✭✭✭un5byh7sqpd2x0


    Confused dad wrote: »
    I don't understand, sorry!:(

    Google Maps, go to timeline


  • Options
    #29
    SteelyDanJalapeno
    Registered Users Posts: 14,240 ✭✭✭✭SteelyDanJalapeno


    Confused dad wrote: »
    I don't understand, sorry!:(

    If you really want the answer, it's a big breach of trust, but Google maps records everywhere you go these days


  • Options
    #30
    Confused dad
    Registered Users Posts: 48 ✭Confused dad


    SteelyDanJalapeno wrote: »
    If you really want the answer, it's a big breach of trust, but Google maps records everywhere you go these days


    I really would rather not go down that route. I just about managed to stop myself actually opening the messages that I saw in her inbox. I wanted to give her the opportunity to explain first. I appreciate the advice though :)


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #31
    Nerdlingr
    Registered Users Posts: 4,385 ✭✭✭Nerdlingr


    Confused dad wrote: »
    I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.

    She thinks it's ok to text a married man that she doesn't want anything to do with, but continues to text him anyway and then deletes the messages. Has the notifications on mute. Drops phone when you enter the room. "Forgot" to tell you about him asking to meet her. All red flags...but it's up to you whether you believe absolutely nothing has happened. Maybe it hasn't but her actions are upsetting and detrimental to your relationship.

    If she doesn't want anything to do with him then you could give her an ultimatum to either pull the plug on it or you will. I'm sure his wife wouldn't appreciate her husband texting another woman and asking to meet up.


Advertisement