Worried and let down

tbh i think asking her who else was at the party is a really transparent move

you should surely have an idea who else wouldve been there and would've ordinarily hung out with her

but also tbh theres no real need to go digging around. lay it out to her like you have here and ask her what she thinks it looks like to you.

and dont apologise for it, or seek reassurance. seek the truth youre entitled to and given the circs if she hasnt done the obvious, she should be scrambling for ways to prove it because it looks open and shut.

youve two jobs on the go to keep things afloat, shes sussing out the delivery man and you worry youre at fault here?

idk man.

Confused dad

Nerdlingr wrote: »

She thinks it's ok to text a married man that she doesn't want anything to do with, but continues to text him anyway and then deletes the messages. Has the notifications on mute. Drops phone when you enter the room. "Forgot" to tell you about him asking to meet her. All red flags...but it's up to you whether you believe absolutely nothing has happened. Maybe it hasn't but her actions are upsetting and detrimental to your relationship.

Thank you. I really feel like the only person I've every 100% trusted has taken complete advantage of that trust and has been taking the piss this whole time.

Earleybird

Confused dad wrote: »

I really would rather not go down that route. I just about managed to stop myself actually opening the messages that I saw in her inbox. I wanted to give her the opportunity to explain first. I appreciate the advice though

Doesn't sound like you can place a huge amount of trust in any explanation she'll give you. I'd consider the maps idea. Will give you difinitive answer whether she headed off somewhere else that night, and obviously show you exactly where if that's the case. If she is hiding something you might do well to get 2 mins on her phone again though.

Confused dad

Earleybird wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you can place a huge amount of trust in any explanation she'll give you. I'd consider the maps idea. Will give you difinitive answer whether she headed off somewhere else that night, and obviously show you exactly where if that's the case. If she is hiding something you might do well to get 2 mins on her phone again though.

I feel that if I do go down that route, I'm lowering myself to untrustworthy. I already feel so guilty for doing what I did. Even though I had her permission the 1st time, I still went in again a 2nd time. I felt like I had really violated her trust, although I did feel somewhat vindicated in my actions.

wiggle16

I agree with snoopsheep. Ask her what this looks like to her and see what her answer is.

I don't like jumping to conclusions either but it's difficult to think of an explanation for this behaviour, especially when you really feel something is off.

Upforthematch is right about the party, I'd stay away from it. As things stand, unless someone tells you she left shortly after you did, you've no way of proving she was there or wasn't, just that she wasn't in any photos and she came home late.

Her carry on with the phone is what started all this, and that's because it's clear she's hiding something. It think that's more concerning than the party. There's any number of reasons she could've been home late. Lost time can be explained away. Deleting messages for no apparent reason and being furtive is harder to make sense of. Stick to what you know.

I'm not a fan of snooping on phones either, for two reasons. The first is the underhandedness, which is hard to get away from. The other is that if you find nothing else suspicious, that doesn't explain what happened yesterday and you're no wiser than you were before. You're unlikely to find anything on her phone now anyway, if there is something going on she'd want to be unfathomably stupid not to be covering her tracks after yesterday.

As snoopsheep said, sit her down and ask her what this looks like, why she deleted messages, and why she lied about it. Her reaction will tell you enough. She'll deflect it on to you if there is something going on. If it's innocent it there will be an explanation she should be only too happy to give. I know I would be if I were wrongly accused of cheating.

As Judge Judy says, if something doesn't make sense, it's not true.

The Bishop Basher

Confused dad wrote: »

I feel that if I do go down that route, I'm lowering myself to untrustworthy. I already feel so guilty for doing what I did. Even though I had her permission the 1st time, I still went in again a 2nd time. I felt like I had really violated her trust, although I did feel somewhat vindicated in my actions.

She is violating your trust and leaving you with no option but to snoop to confirm your suspicions.

There’s nothing untrustworthy about your actions in this scenario.

You’re just doing what you believe to be necessary in looking out for yourself and your child.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

stefanovich

Confused dad wrote: »

I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

leggo

stefanovich wrote: »

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

If that was the case she’d just say that and have no reason to hide it. He’d probably know about it from the time it started, it’d be weird not to note if a delivery man they both know started harassing her out of the blue.

OP I think it is what it is and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Regardless of what has/hasn’t happened, you know she’s hiding something and if she refuses to tell you the full truth and do the old ‘a cheater will only admit what they’ve been caught doing’ routine, you can’t trust her and thus can’t proceed. You don’t even need to worry about the specifics, that’s enough to go on. If she wants to row back and tell the truth, maybe there’s room to talk. But also keep in mind that also cheaters will buy themselves time once caught to come up with the version of the truth that best suits what they want, which is almost more manipulative and horrible than cheating itself.

Jackman25

Checking the phone timeline seems like the best option once its done discreetly.
Asking friends might not reveal much and they will likely guess at the reason for your questions and rumours will start.

You are well justified in having a look at her phone based on the evidence so far.

armaghlad

Having been in quite a similar situation myself my advice is to go with your gut instinct. If you think something is going on dig deeper. You can try and persuade yourself that there isn’t, that she isn’t capable of it and that you’re jumping to conclusions. She would be the same if the roles were reversed.

My ex went out one night with friends. Didn’t invite me - that was the first red flag. Stopped texting after a few hours (uncharacteristic) - second red flag. We had each other’s Facebook passwords so obviously I had a nosey. Turned out a few friends from her home town were up for a night out, one of whom she happened to have a bit of history with. Long story short, they are now married.

qwerty13

stefanovich wrote: »

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

I do think it sounds quite suspicious. But the idea of “using your veto” re who she can contact makes me uncomfortable. No one gets to veto who their partner can communicate with. Have a conversation about it sure, but a veto is not only likely to achieve nothing, but is very controlling.

Why is the guy delivering lots of takeaways if you’re working 2 jobs to keep your household afloat?

ManOfMystery

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ....................... etc.

This has all the classic signs of cheating. Things that in isolation don't seem to bad, but combine them all together (hiding the phone, minimising her behaviour, turning it around on you, not coming home until early hours, deleting messages, and so on) and it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

She is clearly not capable of admitting the truth, so you're going to need proof. And now that you've already broached the messaging with her, her guard is likely to be up - so I wouldn't go down the road of approaching friends or the other man, this will likely get back to her and they may not give you any useful information anyway.

Do you know what Taxi firm supposedly brought her home? I would contact them and ask for the driver details so you can contact him directly, make up some story about a lost phone. Happens all the time. He should be able to confirm if he brought someone from the party location to your home address. If he didn't, then she was somewhere else. And if that's the case, she has lied to you about her whereabouts, then you are fully justified IMO to do whatever snooping and investigating you need to do.

Confused dad

qwerty13 wrote: »

Why is the guy delivering lots of takeaways if you’re working 2 jobs to keep your household afloat?

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

shafty100

Confused dad wrote: »

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

I personally would try every possibility to find out the truth ,maybe you are afraid that she is cheating and you dont want to believe it

Confused dad

shafty100 wrote: »

I personally would try every possibility to find out the truth ,maybe you are afraid that she is cheating and you dont want to believe it

Who would?

ManOfMystery

Confused dad wrote: »

Who would?

No-one, but whether you like it or not, what has happened has happened and there will always be a question mark in your mind.

There are two ways forward here; head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen (and isn't happening, and won't happen again......) ..................... or face it head on.

Generally speaking, I don't think the head in the sand approach works for any kind of problem that people face.

Kidchameleon

OP this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it... You are being treated like a complete cuck, she is 100% cheating on you and she knows she can get away with it. Your posts clearly give off the impression that you don't want this situation to be true but it is! It seems like you worship her and she feel like she can walk all over you as a result. How pretty is she? Do you feel you are punching above you weight? Is she much younger than you? Does she work at all whilst you work two jobs? One thing that is for sure, she is texting and enjoying attention from another man, that is an indisputable fact. The way she has lied to your face about that means she has no respect for you - she thinks telling you she "forgot" is good enough? The sudden changes in behavior are sure signs that there is more going on...

From what I can make out, she is not the mother of your daughter? That is not clear from your posts... Assuming she is not the mother then please god for your daughters sake, kick this woman to the kerb, your daughter needs to see her dad act like a man and demonstrate that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Do you want a woman like that, who lies, cheats and takes advantage of your good nature to be an influence on your daughters development?

Finally, if you forgive her about this, she will most likely do it again.

qwerty13

Confused dad wrote: »

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

I wasn’t criticising you - I got the impression that she was ordering takeaways v frequently when you weren’t there, while you were working. That’s why I was asking. It seemed odd - especially now that you know she’s contacting the delivery guy

Confused dad

qwerty13 wrote: »

I wasn’t criticising you - I got the impression that she was ordering takeaways v frequently when you weren’t there, while you were working. That’s why I was asking. It seemed odd - especially now that you know she’s contacting the delivery guy

Apologies, I completely misunderstood your post. No we would generally only order takeaway when the three of us are home at the weekend, as a treat. To the best of knowledge she doesn't order in when I'm away at work. That's not to say she isn't though

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it... You are being treated like a complete cuck, she is 100% cheating on you and she knows she can get away with it. Your posts clearly give off the impression that you don't want this situation to be true but it is! It seems like you worship her and she feel like she can walk all over you as a result. How pretty is she? Do you feel you are punching above you weight? Is she much younger than you? Does she work at all whilst you work two jobs? One thing that is for sure, she is texting and enjoying attention from another man, that is an indisputable fact. The way she has lied to your face about that means she has no respect for you - she thinks telling you she "forgot" is good enough? The sudden changes in behavior are sure signs that there is more going on...

From what I can make out, she is not the mother of your daughter? That is not clear from your posts... Assuming she is not the mother then please god for your daughters sake, kick this woman to the kerb, your daughter needs to see her dad act like a man and demonstrate that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Do you want a woman like that, who lies, cheats and takes advantage of your good nature to be an influence on your daughters development?

Finally, if you forgive her about this, she will most likely do it again.

This in a nutshell - you’re being used as a doormat here . You really need to sort this out quickly

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I understand your reservations about any more digital snooping, it's a big boundary to cross.

However, whatever the extent, there has already been a boundary crossed. By her. Both in the messaging and in how she's responded to you discovering it. Something has happened that you will have to move on from, either with her or as a single man.

I think if I were in your position, to be able to move past this I would have to know with certainty what happened. I would not feel that I could trust her to provide me with this. The party last week would always play on my mind, particularly if my gut was screaming at me about it like yours is. You come across as pretty guileless, which is lovely but no offence, I wouldn't have huge confidence in your ability to nonchalantly ask her friends questions designed to find out where she was. It's a sh1tty position to be in but a quick way to find out without involving anyone else is to see if her phone was where it should have been.

This is a terrible thing to happen, not to mind at fecking Christmas. Mind yourself, don't be rushed into making any decisions.

The_Honeybadger

Am I right in saying the phone idea will only work if she has location services on? A lot of people turn them off, including myself.

If you can check OP then you should imo because I don’t think you can believe a word she says at this point. That said, she probably won’t leave the phone out of her sight now so access could be a problem.

LegacyUser

Confused Dad, From my experience (and there's a thread in here somewhere where i laid it all out) you need to go with your gut.
In fairness, the evidence seems overwhelming.

You need to decide if you've got anything to lose by confronting her....and I mean whether or not you're prepared to take her word for what she's saying.
I did initially, but then i made the conscious decision to confront her.

There's a world of hurt in hearing your trusted partner admit infidelity - but is it better to suffer in silence wondering, and torturing yourself??

There's never a good time to confront anyone about this type of thing. Doesn't matter if its Christmas, Easter, birthday, anniversary or whatever...you've just got to go for it.

The fact that she knows you've got suspicions, has given her a chance to straighten out her story, so my advice would be to tackle this issue immediately.
Watch out for the phrase..." we're just good friends" - that's the line you really don't want to hear -it's practically an admission of guilt.
You've done nothing wrong. This is not your fault.


All I can do is wish you the best of luck....but PLEASE tackle this now.
Don't sit around thinking about it - it won't do you any good.
There's a great bunch of people here on boards who'll listen and comfort you.

take care of yourself

Confused dad

Update: I'm now satisfied that she was indeed at he party as she said she was. I've checked that out today with a few mutual friends.

I'm still not however, understanding why she feels its OK to be texting a bloke old enough to be her father, and keeping it a secret. He made his intentions clear a week ago, when he asked her to meet up therefore to continue texting him under the impression that it's just innocent chit chat doesn't wash with me. So I cannot understand how she cant accept that exchanging text messages after that is at all appropriate, whether in secret or not.

Kidchameleon

Confused dad wrote: »

I'm still not however, understanding why she feels its OK to be texting a bloke old enough to be her father

She doesnt feel its OK, why else would she try to keep it from you?

Upforthematch

Confused dad wrote: »

Update: I'm now satisfied that she was indeed at he party as she said she was. I've checked that out today with a few mutual friends.

I'm still not however, understanding why she feels its OK to be texting a bloke old enough to be her father, and keeping it a secret. He made his intentions clear a week ago, when he asked her to meet up therefore to continue texting him under the impression that it's just innocent chit chat doesn't wash with me. So I cannot understand how she cant accept that exchanging text messages after that is at all appropriate, whether in secret or not.

Old enough to be her father? Genuine question, does your partner have mostly male or female friends?

You have obviously discussed this, what reason does she give to keep up the messages?

Confused dad

Upforthematch wrote: »

Old enough to be her father? Genuine question, does your partner have mostly male or female friends?

You have obviously discussed this, what reason does she give to keep up the messages?

She has a small group of close friends. More or less an equal split of Male and female. Her oldest and closest childhood friend is male. The rest are mutual friends.

Upforthematch

So if she has male friends already she should explain why this guy gets treated differently or does she delete all their messages too?

Confused dad

Upforthematch wrote: »

So if she has male friends already she should explain why this guy gets treated differently or does she delete all their messages too?

Nope she doesn't. Her excuse is that she has his messages muted because she doesn't want to talk him and she said that she was just sending him one worded responses. That cant be verified because she deleted them all.

I want to believe her but it's just not making sense and I'm really creeped out by the whole thing.

Kidchameleon

Confused dad wrote: »

Nope she doesn't. Her excuse is that she has his messages muted because she doesn't want to talk him and she said that she was just sending him one worded responses. That cant be verified because she deleted them all.

I want to believe her but it's just not making sense and I'm really creeped out by the whole thing.

She knows this and is latching onto it to manipulate you. She is lying through her teeth