Worried and let down

CobraClan

Did you ask her what they were talking about? The fact she had his messages on mute tells me she's getting a lot text from him through the day. She only got caught because she let her guard down when you asked her for a lend of her phone. Ask her for a lend of her phone again and look at her facial reaction!

She's been texting him over a week, even if she hasn't slept with him yet which I think she has, she's having an emotional affair with him which is even worse IMO. I would pack her bags and tell her if she doesn't come clean about whats going on she can get the f..k out!

I bet my life on it she's still texting him, she will be more covert about it now that she got caught.

I would also pay this delivery man a visit, I would literally knock on his door and confront him about texting my partner, even if his wife was standing there beside him, sure does his wife not deserve to know what her husband has been up too?

Unfortunately your relationship will never be the same again, every time your partner goes out now you will be wondering where she is? Who is she with? What is she doing and who is she doing it with? This will drive you insane!

PARlance

Stop apologising for looking at her phone, OP. She allowed you to use her phone to look at photos and this popped up.

If you drove passed this man's house and saw her walking out would you apologise for driving passed.

From your posts, I would be worried that she will walk all over you.

Confused dad

Just to update you all. We did sit down and talk it out. I did give her the benefit of the doubt. I simply couldnt bring myself to upheave my family at christmas time. She apologised for handling the situation so poorly said she understood how it must have looked and were the shoe on the other foot she would have reacted exactly the same way.

However, since talking it out, we are arguing a lot. She seems to be finding fault with everything I do. I'm hoping it's not an attempt to provoking me to throw what happened back in her face. Or maybe I'm overthinking...

Kidchameleon

Confused dad wrote: »

She seems to be finding fault with everything I do. I'm hoping it's not an attempt to provoking me to throw what happened back in her face. Or maybe I'm overthinking...

No your not overthing, your just not thinking fullstop. The behaviour she is displaying is a classic case of "scapegoating"...

From:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/hide-and-seek/201312/the-psychology-scapegoating

"The ego defense of displacement plays an important role in scapegoating, in which uncomfortable feelings such as anger, frustration, envy, guilt, shame, and insecurity are displaced or redirected onto another, often more vulnerable, person or group. The scapegoats—outsiders, immigrants, minorities, 'deviants'—are then persecuted, enabling the scapegoaters to discharge and distract from their negative feelings, which are replaced or overtaken by a crude but consoling sense of affirmation and self-righteous indignation."

FYI, it would not have been yourself ruining Christmas, it would have been her...

She has played you like a fiddle OP, she was at the very least having an emotion affair and WILL do so again if not have a full blown affair.

I'm not a big fan of this terminology but it is warranted in this case... you need to man up, show her that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. She is craving an alpha male (which you are evidently not). Ironically, the only way your relationship has any chance is if you kick her to the kerb, show her you are a man and let her come crawling back. Maybe then you guys could fix things properly.

For now, you have let her cheat on you and turned a blind eye. What would you tell your daughter to do if her partner was cheating on her?

WrigleysExtra

matthewmurdock wrote: »

I'm frustrated just reading this thread. Couldn't be any more obvious that she is cheating. I want to grab you and shake you to get you to snap out of it.

Hiding texts, ridiculously flimsy excuses, and the Christmas party thing is like a cheating slam dunk. No doubt in my mind from what you have described that she is cheating on you.

Also the classic trickle-truth is one of the biggest signs. The amount of lies she was caught in, in such a short amount of time was insane and you still seem to be unable to see what's going on.

• Denied that she had been texting him at all. Lie.
• On mute because she doesn't want to talk to him and never responds to him. Lie.
• Always deletes messages. Lie.
• He asked her to meet with him and she just "forgot" to tell you. Lie.

Just wait until she tells you that she met with him to ask him to stop. And then the next piece of trickle truth will be that they kissed once and that's all that happened.

The advice to keep track of her phone is completely worthless. She made a mistake once and almost got caught, she won't let that happen again. The phone is useless to you now.



My intuition read this and said, that is exactly what has happened. It's incredible how your gut can sense these situations and you instinctively know that something isn't right. That is there to help you. Trust it.

If you confront her I can guarantee you'll be gaslighted to high heavens - "how could you not trust me" or "if there's no trust then I don't know if there's a point in being together". Basically putting you on the back foot and making you the wrong-doer when it's her. At this point I think it's unlikely that she confesses and instead gaslights you as paranoid/possessive/controlling.



OP, I think this is absolutely atrocious advice. The phone is now a dead end as I (and a few other posters) have already established. Asking for or expecting honesty from someone who has lied at every possible opportunity so far. What's the definition of insanity again? Although maybe if you take the calm, doormat-esque approach to the conversation she will lie and reassure you instead of gaslight you.

This guy nailed it. She has been lying straight to your face.

leggo

Confused dad wrote: »

Just to update you all. We did sit down and talk it out. I did give her the benefit of the doubt. I simply couldnt bring myself to upheave my family at christmas time. She apologised for handling the situation so poorly said she understood how it must have looked and were the shoe on the other foot she would have reacted exactly the same way.

However, since talking it out, we are arguing a lot. She seems to be finding fault with everything I do. I'm hoping it's not an attempt to provoking me to throw what happened back in her face. Or maybe I'm overthinking...

Aw man.

I mean, I get it. I’m not judging you. It’s so much easier if you just accept the lie and look the other way. But this is only going to escalate and end up blowing up in a way more hurtful way.

tara73

OP, I think she doesn't has any respect left for you. I thought it before your update. Which loving partner would text another man, sitting on the sofa in the living room while the other one is in the kitchen making a tea for both.

This in itself is so disrespectful and actually like it's intended to get caught.

And after the discussion, (you didn't write what she said at all..), you giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's even more disrespecting you, hence the argumentation.

Don't get me wrong, I really feel for you because how could you not try to solve it, you described that this was all of a sudden to you, whereas she switched out of the relationship already for some time obviously.

I don't know, but I can't see how this will end well but I perfectly understand you can't make the cut now, it needs some more time or some other unpleasant revealing action from her.

Millionaire only not

Op I’d get ur affairs in order , play happy families long as u can !

Maybe it will never come to that , but U’ll feel better trust me I know how it feels !

If u really want to push , start going out on your own , join a gym give her bit of her own medicine!

PARlance

Your fear of breaking up the home is completely understandable but it's making a mug of you imo. She's at fault but it comes across like you would do everything not to believe/see the worst, because of this fear.

Nerdlingr

Confused dad wrote: »

Just to update you all. We did sit down and talk it out. I did give her the benefit of the doubt. I simply couldnt bring myself to upheave my family at christmas time. She apologised for handling the situation so poorly said she understood how it must have looked and were the shoe on the other foot she would have reacted exactly the same way.

However, since talking it out, we are arguing a lot. She seems to be finding fault with everything I do. I'm hoping it's not an attempt to provoking me to throw what happened back in her face. Or maybe I'm overthinking...

Did you tell her to pull the plug on her textual relationship with the other guy? This is the main thing. Did you get her to promise she wouldn't be in touch with him any more?
A lot of the other advice on here seems to be "she's cheating on you, dump her, she's making a mug of you" etc etc....I'd be more on the side of...you have to give someone a chance, you have to give he relationship a chance. If it goes t"ts up down the line and they were right all along, fair enough ... But at least you can look back and say you did everything you could to make it work and leave with no regrets instead of wondering did I do the right thing?

You've given her and your relationship a chance, it could just be a bump in the road. Christmas/New Year may tell a lot going forward....everything is a bit magnified at this time of year. Again, I hope it all works out for you.

CobraClan

She knows you know she cheated on you! She knows she crossed your boundaries, she knows your letting her get away with it and has now completely lost respect for you, that is why she is finding fault in everything you do now!

Even if she didn't do anything she probably used the situation to test you just to see how much backbone you have!

You said you think she's arguing with you, trying to get you to throw it in her face and IMO you should at the next opportunity, let her know your not satisfied with her story and she better come up with some convincing explanation that makes sense or you want her out of the house.

Giving her the benefits of the doubt is a needy excuse!

utyh2ikcq9z76b

CobraClan wrote: »

She knows you know she cheated on you! She knows she crossed your boundaries, she knows your letting her get away with it and has now completely lost respect for you, that is why she is finding fault in everything you do now!

Even if she didn't do anything she probably used the situation to test you just to see how much backbone you have!

You said you think she's arguing with you, trying to get you to throw it in her face and IMO you should at the next opportunity, let her know your not satisfied with her story and she better come up with some convincing explanation that makes sense or you want her out of the house.

Giving her the benefits of the doubt is a needy excuse!

Exactly this, you have no respect for yourself, how can she respect you.

leggo

Nerdlingr wrote: »

A lot of the other advice on here seems to be "she's cheating on you, dump her, she's making a mug of you" etc etc....I'd be more on the side of...you have to give someone a chance, you have to give he relationship a chance. If it goes t"ts up down the line and they were right all along, fair enough ... But at least you can look back and say you did everything you could to make it work and leave with no regrets instead of wondering did I do the right thing?

That logic sounds good in paper, but not in real life. What if she leaves him out of the blue for the delivery lad or another guy? What if she just starts cheating openly on him now because he’s told her now she can get away with it? What if she just loses all respect, doesn’t care and ghosts him and his child like they’re nothing to her? All of that hurts WAY more and leaves more scars than if OP could look himself in the mirror when he looks back on it and say “I caught her and did myself proud by getting rid, even if it killed me to do so at the time”.

I was cheated on and, in spite of the hurt it caused and similar mixed emotions to what the OP is going through, today the one thing that’ll allow me to date again is knowing that my gut told me something was wrong and was correct (so I can trust it in future) and that I dumped the person the next day so my decision-making stayed accurate in spite of everything else. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know if I could recover, because I wouldn’t trust my judgement to not end up in that situation again.

You’ve done all you can to save the relationship when you give the person a chance to tell the truth. That’s their window to step up and make it right. If they refuse to do so, they’re choosing not to save the relationship and prioritising protecting their lie over everything.

Nerdlingr

leggo wrote: »

That logic sounds good in paper, but not in real life. What if she leaves him out of the blue for the delivery lad or another guy? What if she just starts cheating openly on him now because he’s told her now she can get away with it? What if she just loses all respect, doesn’t care and ghosts him and his child like they’re nothing to her? All of that hurts WAY more and leaves more scars than if OP could look himself in the mirror when he looks back on it and say “I caught her and did myself proud by getting rid, even if it killed me to do so at the time”.

I was cheated on and, in spite of the hurt it caused and similar mixed emotions to what the OP is going through, today the one thing that’ll allow me to date again is knowing that my gut told me something was wrong and was correct (so I can trust it in future) and that I dumped the person the next day so my decision-making stayed accurate in spite of everything else. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know if I could recover, because I wouldn’t trust my judgement to not end up in that situation again.

You’ve done all you can to save the relationship when you give the person a chance to tell the truth. That’s their window to step up and make it right. If they refuse to do so, they’re choosing not to save the relationship and prioritising protecting their lie over everything.

What did he catch her doing exactly though ? Everyone here is saying she's cheated on him. He's caught her texting someone else on her phone and lying about it...that's it. Some people saying she cheated on him at the after party and that she was probably gone off with him, when he's found out that wasn't the case at all. People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. He's given her the chance to come clean, they've had a serious sit down talk about it - I maintain he's got to say to her to pull the plug on her relationship with the other man, no more messaging etc - i was in a similar situation myself (no cheating involved) and gave the relationship a chance, it didnt work out but i felt better that I had done everything i could to have saved it. I had no regrets. She didn't want to put in the effort on her side and in the end even though I was angry / felt like a fool etc for a bit ... i got comfort in the fact i left no stone unturned to fight for something i believed in.
Anyway, the OP will know best. If she continues to belittle / argue with him then it could be time to pull the plug in either case. I agree with you as well to trust your gut. That was the first piece of advice i gave on here. That gut instinct of 'there's something not right here' is 99% right in any situation.

matthewmurdock

Nerdlingr wrote: »

What did he catch her doing exactly though ? Everyone here is saying she's cheated on him. He's caught her texting someone else on her phone and lying about it...that's it. Some people saying she cheated on him at the after party and that she was probably gone off with him, when he's found out that wasn't the case at all. People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. He's given her the chance to come clean

He caught her in a number of lies, a story which changed every time she was caught in another lie.

She's admitted to what she was caught doing. You would have to be a complete idiot not to expect that far worse was going on here. Why would you take her at her word when she repeatedly lied? Why would you expect anything that she said to be the truth when she purposefully deleted the evidence!?!

How did he find out it wasnt the case that she went off after the party?

She's made a fool out of him. It's as clear as day that she's cheated on him and you're on here telling people that she didn't because she says she didn't, despite lying at every single opportunity thus far. Baffling stuff. :rolleyes:

Nerdlingr

matthewmurdock wrote: »

He caught her in a number of lies, a story which changed every time she was caught in another lie.

She's admitted to what she was caught doing. You would have to be a complete idiot not to expect that far worse was going on here. Why would you take her at her word when she repeatedly lied? Why would you expect anything that she said to be the truth when she purposefully deleted the evidence!?!

How did he find out it wasnt the case that she went off after the party?

She's made a fool out of him. It's as clear as day that she's cheated on him and you're on here telling people that she didn't because she says she didn't, despite lying at every single opportunity thus far. Baffling stuff. :rolleyes:

Are you baffled? cos you sound it alright.
I haven't said she didn't cheat on him. Where did i say that?
"Its clear as day she cheated on him".... is it? The fact is we dont know if she did or not. Yes she lied about the messages and covering them up, and that would set alarm bells ringing. But... the OP doesn't know whether she cheated or not. All the signs would seem to suggest that way...but the fact is we dont know for sure.
What if she hasn't cheated but their relationship is going through a bit of a rough patch and this other guy has been showing her some attention which she has inappropriately acted on via texts . What if they have a discussion about it and agree to work it out and they come out the other side stronger for it? If he takes the advice of some on here to just dump her, that he believes shes cheated, its 'obvious',... then he doesnt get the chance to work at a relationship he deeply cares about. Naive and all as that may be to some.

valoren

She denied that she'd been texting him at all. Then it turns out that she actually was texting him. She has lied to you and after you talk it out, instead of being contrite and pensive she has the brazenness to actually pick arguments with you? Find fault in things you do? She obviously has no respect for you. She could have at least pretended to be sorry. Her apology is an empty and hollow one and I think her attitude in the aftermath of getting exposed while “in the process” of cheating on you would be the deal breaker for me.

Neyite

Would you both be open to counselling? I think it would be beneficial as the communication around a situation like this is difficult anyway but it sounds like the house is fairly tense right now and with kids and the busy Christmas there's even more than normal stresses and strains.



Counselling will allow you both to figure out what you are both feeling and help you to communicate with each other. And it's not necessarily for people wanting to reconcile, it can also be a way to manage a calm separation if you feel that's where you both are heading.



You don't have to make a decision about your relationship now. And if you do, it's ok in a couple of months to change your mind if that's what you want. A lot of people feel that if they don't leave in the immediate aftermath of a [alleged] cheating event, they feel like they lost their chance and need to stick with the partner because they promised to give them another chance. But that's not the case. It's ok to have a good think over it all, and take your time doing it, and make a decision that suits you best at some point down the line. But what I would say is quietly look into what the situation might be should you decide to separate. It's no harm to be informed of all options.

leggo

What people are saying about giving it a try is all true, and it's all well and good if that's what happens. But that's not what's happening.

To do that, she would need to confess, give him the full facts so he could make up his mind, show contrition and let him know what she's going to do to ensure this doesn't happen in the future. That would reset the relationship to a healthy, equal level that could allow them to work through a rough patch.

What's actually happened is that he's accepted her lie without challenging it because it's difficult breaking up at Christmas. That's what he said. She hasn't admitted wrongdoing, she's holding firm in her initial lie despite clear, obvious evidence to the contrary, and all she's apologised for is how it looks. She's not respecting him, she hasn't repaired trust, she hasn't made this an equal situation and already they're experiencing residual problems with that. Without trust, respect and honesty, there is no relationship. It's not just that people are rushing the OP to break up with his partner. It's that she's already communicated that she's not willing to give him those things so she's left him with nowhere to go beyond just accepting the bad offer he's gotten, which unfortunately he has.

LegacyUser

The reason she’s in bad form is she’s missing her little fix with the lad whether that’s just texting or a lot more
The whole thing is creepy . Is she Narcissistic?

tara73

OP, strangely, many of the posters here assuming she cheated full on, meaning she had sex with this guy. This is pure speculation, my perception is more she got involved with this guy emotionally for an ego boost for whatever reasons but didn't actually had any physical contact with him.

Could be also she had, but we actually don't know (as you..) It was confirmed from friends she didn't leave the party to meet him as you feared, I think some poster here missed that information.

So anyway, you decided to give her another chance, which is fine and just wanted to give another balance to all this posts 'sure she cheated full on', but nobody but herself and (this) other guy(s) knows this for sure.

sReq | uTeK

Take the phone. Text the delivery lad "fancy round 2 (reference the party night or date) you'll very quickly know if you're a mug or it was purely texting.

However even the texting for me, shed be on the sofa until she begged for forgiveness and I say that with 3 young kids.

You may well have given her less attention, but come and discuss this with you, when you dont and you seek the affections of another man.....game over

ShaShaBear

Nerdlingr wrote: »

What if she hasn't cheated but their relationship is going through a bit of a rough patch and this other guy has been showing her some attention which she has inappropriately acted on via texts.

That's called emotional cheating, mate. Still cheating. This is what we are all saying. Not that she's off having sex with him and having a good laugh about it (because I don't believe she's clever enough given that she's been texting the lad on the couch and panicking when her partner comes back into the room). We are all saying that lying about texting someone, then lying about encouraging the texting, then lying about reciprocating the texting and then lying about how far the texting has gone all the while deleting evidence is a sure sign of some form of cheating - even if she's just egging him on for an ego boost, it's behaving inappropriately with another person in secret behind her partner's back. That's cheating.

Confused dad

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

leggo

Jealousy is a big telltale sign. I think you’re doing the right thing and will look back on this as a smart decision OP. Good luck.

cd07

You're doing the right thing mate. Neither your daughter or you need someone like that in your lives. Best of luck with everything

ManOfMystery

Confused dad wrote: »

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

And this really sums it up.

She has some neck on her. Brazen enough to conduct an emotional affair (and that's a best case scenario assumption) under your nose, but also give you a hard time over genuine and totally innocent parenting queries from your ex.

Have some pride in yourself, and your worth. Get rid, and don't look back. You sound a decent and level-headed guy, and there's plenty of females out there who will appreciate you more than she can.

leggo

ManOfMystery wrote: »

She has some neck on her. Brazen enough to conduct an emotional affair (and that's a best case scenario assumption) under your nose, but also give you a hard time over genuine and totally innocent parenting queries from your ex.

It's not even a case of brass neck once you understand the psychology behind it. It's projection. A person typically has to, at all times, feel like they are fundamentally 'good' (we're all the hero of our own stories and all that), so when there's some huge bit of evidence like this pointing to the contrary, they'll tell themselves stuff like "Well everyone does this anyway, he's probably cheating on me sure. If I feel this way then he must anyway because I'm not a selfish/bad person." It's a defence mechanism.

That's not me defending or rationalising on her behalf. If anything, it's just more evidence to add to the pile that OP's initial suspicions were dead on the money.

Kidchameleon

Stay strong OP. Prepare for shaming language and a pushback. But this woman is trash

DonnaDarko09

Confused dad wrote: »

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

Is this a usual reaction for her or out of character? Has she questioned your relationship with your ex before? You painted your relationship as rock solid in your OP but I wonder was the writing on the wall already, before you discovered these messages.
Does she have a tendency to be jealous?