The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

I took the shell off my racing snail in an attempt to make him more aerodynamic and faster.

It just made him more sluggish.

A man answers his front door and there’s a Guard standing there holding a photo.
'Is this your wife sir' says the Guard.
Shocked, the man says, 'yes it is'.
Guard says, 'I’m afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus'.
'Yea I know' says the man, 'but she takes it up the ar$e and she's good with the kids'.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?.......... In case they get a hole in one

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You neek up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. You neek up on it.

An academic in literature was finding it hard to get work in his chosen field. In the finish and desperately in need of money he heard that a local building firm was looking for workers on a nearby site.
He called into the site office to make enquiries. A foreman met him and asked a few general questions.
"How familiar are you with the different elements of a building?"
"Not great Im afraid"
"Would you know the difference between a joist and a girder?"
"Oh that's easy" he replies.
"Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"

Deleted User wrote: »

How do you kill a Chinese wabbit?

Thwow a wok at it.

Thats if you can't get it with your wifle

teacher is telling class the story of robin hood, when she finishes she starts asking them questions on the story, who was robin hoods girl friend she asks, mary quickly says maid marion, teacher said this is correct, little jonny claims they are liars, why are we said the teacher, well said jonny had you not us singing a song which went like this, robin hood, robin hood, ridin trudy glenn

Menopausal women are hot!




Then they are cold




Then they are hot again




Then they wake you up at 4am because they can't sleep

A man walked into the doctor's office.

He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril.

He asks the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at the guy and says, "Well, you're not eating properly."

What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

HHAAANNNDDD EEEEEEEYYYYEEE

I'm having my kitchen refitted at the moment, so I'm having to survive on fast food and takeaways.

So far I've had McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, KFC, Indian, Chinese and a pizza.

Good job it's only taking a day, otherwise It'd cost me a ****ing fortune.

Oldtree wrote: »

What Did Spock Find In The Enterprise's Toilet? The Captain's Log. Badabum.....

If he had found it on his girlfriend, it probably would have meant William Shatner.

Badabum........ Tishhhh!

Roger_007 wrote: »

I assume he went to the toilet to deal with the clingons?

Around Uranus?

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''.