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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

189111314103

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,337 ✭✭✭Wombatman


    I took the shell off my racing snail in an attempt to make him more aerodynamic and faster.

    It just made him more sluggish.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Witchie wrote: »
    Wrong. It's purple. I bought a **** car once just coz it was purple. I love purple.
    doghouse_color_wheel_altered.png

    From https://blog.xkcd.com/2010/05/03/color-survey-results/


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I phoned the jaundice clinic. "Yellow...." said the receptionist.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,985 ✭✭✭paulbok



    If it's not on a snooker table, it's not a colour


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    paulbok wrote: »
    If it's not on a snooker table, it's not a colour

    "Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."
    - Ted Lowe


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
    She kept missing the ball


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭snowflaker


    The Spice Girls song 'When two becomes one" is actually about the clocks going back


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    branie2 wrote: »
    Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
    She had a pumpkin as a coach.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    She was great at squash, though.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What's Dracula's favourite song?

    Fangs for the Memories


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    After years in and out of prison, I've now settled down with a job repairing bent archery equipment.


    Yep, I'm on the straighten arrow............


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 429 ✭✭JimmyMcGill


    Awful.
    just awful.

    I loved it. Imagine a baby eating a Mars Bar!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,597 ✭✭✭emeldc


    A man answers his front door and there’s a Guard standing there holding a photo.
    'Is this your wife sir' says the Guard.
    Shocked, the man says, 'yes it is'.
    Guard says, 'I’m afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus'.
    'Yea I know' says the man, 'but she takes it up the ar$e and she's good with the kids'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,015 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Scared the fook outta the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

    I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,400 ✭✭✭lukesmom


    Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?.......... In case they get a hole in one :)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭NickNickleby


    lukesmom wrote: »
    Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?.......... In case they get a hole in one :)

    why is lukesMOM telling a DAD joke????


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭evolving_doors


    why is lukesMOM telling a DAD joke????

    Cos lukesDAD was busy with your mom :pac:.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.


    You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,337 ✭✭✭Wombatman


    How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    You neek up on it.


    How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    Tame way. You neek up on it.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What's a pirate's favourite kind of sock?





























    Aaaaaarrrrrrgyle.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    An academic in literature was finding it hard to get work in his chosen field. In the finish and desperately in need of money he heard that a local building firm was looking for workers on a nearby site.
    He called into the site office to make enquiries. A foreman met him and asked a few general questions.
    "How familiar are you with the different elements of a building?"
    "Not great Im afraid"
    "Would you know the difference between a joist and a girder?"
    "Oh that's easy" he replies.
    "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Wombatman wrote: »
    How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    You neek up on it.


    How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    Tame way. You neek up on it.

    How do you kill a Chinese wabbit?

    Thwow a wok at it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    How do you kill a Chinese wabbit?

    Thwow a wok at it.

    Thats if you can't get it with your wifle


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    My brother just threw a milk carton at me.




















    ..
    .
    .
    How Dairy.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Paddy is upstairs with the wife a knock comes to the door paddy says to his will you go down and answer that? The wife answers the door in her night gown and It's Jimmy their next door neighbour. Jimmy says to the wife I'll give you two hundred euro if you drop your night gown. With she drops the night gown. Jimmy gives her the two hundred euro and when she goes back upstairs the husband asks who was that she replies it was Jimmy. The husband says I hop he gave you the two hundred euro he owes me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,803 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

    © The Two Ronnies (well one of them anyway)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Suckit wrote: »
    My brother just threw a milk carton at me.




















    ..
    .
    .
    How Dairy.
    I don't know how long omletting you guys away with food jokes....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    I don't know how long omletting you guys away with food jokes....

    Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Roger_007 wrote: »
    Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D
    Eggsactly!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    Two fellas are going out for a few pints but have hardly any cash. One of them comes up with the idea of putting a sausage in his fly and
    the other other pretending to suck him off when it was time to pay thinking the bartender would kick them out. Sure enough in each bar they try it in the bartender kicks them out before they've paid. Half cut on the street one said to the other 'great plan, I can't believe it's working so well'...' neither can I'..says the other ' especially since I lost the sausage 3 or 4 pubs back'.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,693 ✭✭✭flutered


    teacher is telling class the story of robin hood, when she finishes she starts asking them questions on the story, who was robin hoods girl friend she asks, mary quickly says maid marion, teacher said this is correct, little jonny claims they are liars, why are we said the teacher, well said jonny had you not us singing a song which went like this, robin hood, robin hood, ridin trudy glenn


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Roger_007 wrote: »
    Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D

    Stop egging him on:rolleyes:

    :P


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,758 ✭✭✭✭thesandeman


    Stop egging him on:rolleyes:

    :P

    Oh Cheeses, will ye stop!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 32,688 ✭✭✭✭ytpe2r5bxkn0c1


    Oh Cheeses, will ye stop!!

    You'd butter stop before this gets stupid.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Yeah, an ubh is an ubh.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Menopausal women are hot!




    Then they are cold




    Then they are hot again




    Then they wake you up at 4am because they can't sleep

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    A student has sex with his french teacher and goes home and tells his dad. His dad says 'that's my boy, a chip off the old block, you know that bicycle you have always wanted? lets go down to the shop and get it for you'. On the way back the lad was riding the bike. His dad told him he didn't have to stand up on the peddles. The lad said 'I know that dad, but my arse is still sore.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,589 ✭✭✭patmac


    A man walked into the doctor's office.

    He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril.

    He asks the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

    The doctor looks at the guy and says, "Well, you're not eating properly."


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

    Did you hear about the blind mohel? he got the sack.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,315 ✭✭✭Sam Hain


    What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

    HHAAANNNDDD EEEEEEEYYYYEEE


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,589 ✭✭✭patmac


    I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
    "Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
    "Your thong," I replied with a wink.
    Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
    It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I'm having my kitchen refitted at the moment, so I'm having to survive on fast food and takeaways.

    So far I've had McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, KFC, Indian, Chinese and a pizza.

    Good job it's only taking a day, otherwise It'd cost me a ****ing fortune.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,104 ✭✭✭Oldtree


    What Did Spock Find In The Enterprise's Toilet? The Captain's Log. Badabum.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Oldtree wrote: »
    What Did Spock Find In The Enterprise's Toilet? The Captain's Log. Badabum.....

    If he had found it on his girlfriend, it probably would have meant William Shatner.

    Badabum........ Tishhhh!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    Oldtree wrote: »
    What Did Spock Find In The Enterprise's Toilet? The Captain's Log. Badabum.....

    I assume he went to the toilet to deal with the clingons?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Roger_007 wrote: »
    I assume he went to the toilet to deal with the clingons?

    Around Uranus?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,758 ✭✭✭✭thesandeman


    Sphere we go again.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,803 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭snowflaker


    I hear Gerry McCann has put his his name forward for the Everton job
    -he says he's only lost one in Europe


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