The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

razorblunt · 21-12-2011 12:49am

An old couple are sitting down watching Countdown one day, when the wife asks the husband to make her a cup of tea.
"Two sugars and write it down because you'll forget it' she says.
The man replies 'I'm not senile, I won't forget it'
'And a club milk' she shouts into him.

Twenty minutes later the old man returns with a fully cooked breakfast.The woman looks at the plate, back at her husband, back at plate and sighs..."where the fúck is my toast?"

44leto · 21-12-2011 12:50am

Both by Frankie Boyle.

Is Camilla what Diana would look like if she survived the accident.

All the paedophiles on the news all seem to wear glasses, what is it about glasses that children find so sexually attractive.

sebastianlieken · 21-12-2011 12:50am

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

d.anthony · 21-12-2011 12:58am

punk77 wrote: »

Late on in a cup match,with the score at 0-0, the ref awards a dubious penalty to the team in blue. The captain of the team in red, infuriated at this poor decision, menacingly approaches the ref.

Captain: Ref,what would you do if I called you a f**king w*nker?

Referee: I'd give you a red card and send you off straight away!

Captain: What would you do if I just thought you were a f**cking w*nker?

Referee: Nothing! You can think what you want.

Captain: Ref, I think you're a F**CKING W*NKER.

Actually a true story. Celtic Midfielder Bertie Auld said it to ref 'Tiny' Wharton:D

supersparkz · 21-12-2011 11:08pm

Liverpool plan to wear black armbands tomorrow night against Wigan to show support for Luis Suarez after his 8 match ban.

Suarez has objected to the colour of the bands.

supersparkz · 21-12-2011 11:09pm

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Callan57 · 22-12-2011 3:06pm

supersparkz wrote: »

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Many a true word spoken in jest :mad:

podgemonster · 22-12-2011 4:47pm

Moses was the first person in History to use the Ctrl C shortcut.

The doctor told me last week that I was colourblind. I wasn't expecting it, the news came straight out of the orange.

Paddy Samurai · 22-12-2011 5:21pm

A female journalist from CNN heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the
wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as
responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a Fcuking wall."

Ellis Dee · 22-12-2011 5:36pm

When Mother Teresa died and went to Heaven, St. Peter welcomed her at the Pearly Gates and they stepped into a vast foyer with hordes of people walking around wearing wings and carrying harps.

He asked her to walk with him to her quarters, where she would get her wings and harp, and later she'd be taken to see God, who was looking forward to meeting her.:)

After a while, she asked St. Peter when she'd be getting her halo, but he told her a halo was only issued after a very, very long time, centuries perhaps, adding "but you're here for all eternity, so there's no rush."

They strolled on for a while, but then she said: "I don't want to go on about the halo thing, but I did devote my whole life to good works and never had sex or anything like that, but I've just noticed Princess Diana - a good friend of mine actually, but hardly a total saint, and she's wearing a halo, although she's only been here for six days."

St. Peter glanced across the foyer and replied: "Oh no, Mother Teresa, that's not a halo. It's a steering wheel.":):)

Voodoomelon · 22-12-2011 6:24pm

sebastianlieken wrote: »

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a puff.

im invisible · 22-12-2011 6:48pm

sebastianlieken wrote: »

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

did you see the new film about the tractor?

no, but i saw the trailer

Whispered · 22-12-2011 6:59pm

My fav joke

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

gufnork · 22-12-2011 7:08pm

Q) What's brown and sticky?

A) A stick.

Now that's funny!

casio4 · 22-12-2011 7:19pm

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil

gufnork · 22-12-2011 8:05pm

Q) What's wet and slippery?

A) A wet slipper.

Another win...

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2011 1:58am

Five things I want to do before I die : The Saturdays

Following the death of Kim Jong Il, kids all across North Korea must be wondering who will deliver their Christmas presents this year

varadero · 23-12-2011 2:17am

How many springs are in a lesbians bed ? None ! Its all tongue in groove!

Johnny Foreigner · 24-12-2011 8:06pm

How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

puzzle factory · 26-12-2011 2:32am

I rear ended a midget with my car today. He got out and said "I am not happy"; then I said, well than which dwarf are you?

supersparkz · 26-12-2011 7:17pm

I posted this in another thread but for those who missed it.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisors office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, Whats wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?? The woman replies

Hes a midget

tacofries · 28-12-2011 6:49pm

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

a stick.

JessicaRabbit · 28-12-2011 8:37pm

tacofries wrote: »

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

a stick.

Ha ha

messi1985 · 29-12-2011 6:29pm

if you get banned from driving, give ally mccoist a call.. apparently here is fooking brilliant at making 15 points disappear!

Nodster · 30-12-2011 1:56am

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas - It happened to me.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many glasses of wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I
have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

alwayssideways · 30-12-2011 4:15pm

I starred in a James Bond themed porno last week and the director was extremely pleased with my performance.

I came right on Q

Capt'n Midnight · 30-12-2011 6:56pm

Blackburn manager Steve Kean has signed a new contract.

He will now get 300 minutes and unlimited texts for £20-a-month.

Capt'n Midnight · 30-12-2011 7:00pm

Barbie has a twitter account. How gullible do they think we are?

Like we're suppose to believe that she has time to be on twitter.

JessicaRabbit · 31-12-2011 12:59am

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

slaneylad · 31-12-2011 1:13am

An Engishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a bar. they order 3 pints. When the barman puts up the pints there is a fly in each.
The englishman calls the barman over and says give me a fresh pint, that one is disguting.
The American flicks the fly out of the pint and knocks it back.
This is quickly followed by the Irishman who picks the fly up by the wings while clenching his fist and tells him grumpily to spit it it out. :cool:

Ledger · 31-12-2011 4:16pm

tacofries wrote: »

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

a stick.

Did you hear about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how it wants to.

giles lynchwood · 31-12-2011 10:26pm

A couple are dinning in a resturant when suddenly the man slides off the chair onto the floor under the table.The waiter walk´s over to the table and said to the woman "excuse me madam but your husband has just slid off the chair onto the floor under the table"to which the lady replies"No my husband has just walked in the door"

dan185 · 02-01-2012 11:41pm

My new years resolution? 1920 x 1200.

admiralofthefleet · 02-01-2012 11:46pm

corrugated roofs

their groovy

admiralofthefleet · 02-01-2012 11:55pm

I've just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren't cool enough

Pace2008 · 03-01-2012 4:35pm

Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy?

He said "If I'ze gonna be impotent, I has better look impo'tant."

omg a kitty · 03-01-2012 5:48pm

Why are most gingers sluts?
If the roof is rusty, the basement will be wet

Rocky_Dennis · 05-01-2012 12:33am

I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little fcuker was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do u fcuking fancy me or something?" he replied " No you're splashing my ****ing eyes you cunt . . ."

what a day · 05-01-2012 12:36pm

What do you call a russian breast surgion?

Dr Ripanipplov

messi1985 · 05-01-2012 6:25pm

Tim Howard has scored more goals this year than Manchester United!

Spread · 05-01-2012 6:44pm

messi1985 wrote: »

Tim Howard has scored more goals this year than Manchester United!

Ah Jasus messi ......... the year has only started. Give 'em a chance!

double GG · 05-01-2012 6:52pm

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Clareman · 05-01-2012 6:59pm

Everton goalkeeper Tim Howard scored from 100 yards.

Hitting a ball 100 yards? For Andy Carroll that's known as a first touch.

Balfie · 05-01-2012 10:56pm

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, " Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

kevmol88 · 06-01-2012 3:50pm

80 year old man walks into jeweller on a Friday afternoon with a fit 25 year old blonde. He asks for a special ring for the lady. Jeweller says "heres one for 5k"- old man says no he wants something better-Jeweller pulls out one for 65k- "thats it-I'll write a cheque and when it clears on Monday we will come and collect it"......On Monday jeweller rings man and says there is no money in the account-Old man says "I know, but can you imagine the feckin weekend I've had with her":D:D

tippspur · 09-01-2012 1:56am

I was having sex with my wife last night when I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Don't worry, I seen this on Pornhub earlier, its called Buffering .

tippspur · 09-01-2012 1:58am

Poor Bob Holness, only been at the Pearly Gates for five minutes when Amy Winehouse stumbles over and asks "Can I have an E please Bob?

giles lynchwood · 09-01-2012 2:10am

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming like the other passenger´s in the car.

kincsem · 09-01-2012 2:30am

I asked my wife "Last night, were you faking it?"
She said "No, I was really sleeping."

Rodney Dangerfield

The Master. · 09-01-2012 3:00am

Paddy and mick hanged over and bridge and "pull me up there is a train coming" they had been trying to grab fish but it wasnt that kind of bridge!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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