Alan Partridge Superthread - Sponsored by Dettol

Alan;You threw a monkey in the sea?!!


Michael;Well,it had eaten all my fags,it was 200 duty free carton like.so I picked it up and threw it in the sea.


A;You threw a monkey in the sea?!!
Thats awful,i mean I was fishing for some sort of funny story but that's just upsetting


M;Well you know,i just wasn't thinking straight,I got the red mist in front of me eyes and I just hurled it in the sea.


A;Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea?
All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.


M;Well it didn't go straight in the water.It bounced of a rock first.

It's four-fifty a.m. The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers!

(Later)

Now, we've had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners...and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, QUEEN ELIZABETH IS NOT DEAD.




Unless she went in the night, and is yet to be discovered by the maid.

On his sex life.....


"Occasionally I doth venture south."

Classic from the political debate 'A Partridge over Britain'. His jaw just dropped


Alan Partridge: The phone lines are open, we have a call: David Silk from Leeds. David, are you there?

David Silk: [voice] Yes, I am.

Alan Partridge: Are you wearing any silk?

David Silk: [voice] No, I'm naked.

Calling all pigeons.
There's a cat amongst you.
That cat's name is Dave Clifton purr-opping up the bar in his fictional "Nightclub".

Better being in a fictional nightclub than in a fictional bath, Alan.
It's better than having fictional listeners.

It's bad enough sitting on your own in a real nightclub, which you do, but a fictional one is the worth of boast worlds.
Don't you mean the worst of both worlds? No.
I do mean the worth of boast worlds.
In the world of boasters - not the biscuits but people who boast, like you - their worth is worth OK.

stimpson wrote: »

Apparently you do. I was working in our London office this week and they had this on the wall:

Reminds me of the story of the Englishman travelling in Ireland. He arrives at a train station fifteen minutes early according to the clock outside, so he stops to have a smoke. When he goes in, he realises he's missed his train. The train, he's told, runs according to the clock INSIDE the station, not the one outside. "Why on earth do you have a different time on the clock inside to the one outside?" he asks. "Sure, if they both had the same time on them, why would we need the two of them?"

Ipso wrote: »

Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Aaaah...ladyboys.

"Have you ever shaved your crackling?"

"Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan"

"bitter bastards"

""All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of...mineral water.""

""Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle""

Now, who's this beautiful, blond man with a lovely voice?

It's Annie Lennox.

I've got your kids, Dan. I've got your kids!

Right it's sorted then, we'll visit your mother's grave then watch Dr. No... the underground base of an evil genius...

and then Dr No.

Alan: Jill, whoa whoa. Jill… Jill! What are you doing!? For God’s sake, Jill, what are you doing!?

[The lights come back on to reveal Alan standing by the bed. Chocolate mousse is smeared all over the front of his dressing gown and his face.]

Alan: Jill, God’s sake!

[Jill also has chocolate mousse on her face.]

Jill: Well I just thought I’d pour chocolate mousse over you.

Alan: You’ve got it on the bedsheets, you’ve got it on my dressing gown, you’ve got it on the valance…

Jill: The what?

Alan: The skirt thing round the side of the bed.

Jill: I thought it’d be erotic.

Alan: Oh, Jill. Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!

Jill: Come on, it’s only a bit of chocolate!

Alan: It may be chocolate to you, Jill, but to an unwitting member of staff this could look like some sort of… dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel, which I happen to think is very good. I mean, it’s not five-star but it’s certainly competitive.