Alan Partridge Superthread - Sponsored by Dettol

rtron

To soccer player going into the dressing room: "You missed penalty why?"
Or

"How long have we been drinking?"
"10 minutes Alan."

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

groucho marx

Your suffering from minor womens whiplash☺

loyatemu

Alan: I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.
Lynn: No, no, no, it's different. It's called a Rover Metro now.
Alan: They've rebadged it, you fool!


My first car was an Austin Metro

stimpson

FizzleSticks wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFN_Y2pgKrk

Fixed. I do love a nice cup of beans.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

even Michael the loner doesn't want him in his house

loyatemu

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

even Michael the loner doesn't want him in his house

Michael's up to something, but we never find out what.

Thargor

stimpson wrote: »

Fixed. I do love a nice cup of beans.

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

even Michael the loner doesn't want him in his house

"I cannae sell you any petrol"

Mr.Nice Guy

"Have you ever shaved your crackling?"

groucho marx

We're down to the final lather...just relax. .there's a foamy bit on your shoulder...let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good. Careful not to fall asleep and fall under there's some terrible statistics about that.
I love alans deep bath!!!

Sir Oxman

Welsh Megaman wrote: »

Alan: It's nearly 7 o'clock, this is Dave Clifton.

Dave: Yes, indeed! Good morning, it's Dave Clifton! And there goes Alan Partridge..."Cone" but not forgotten!

Alan: *a bit annoyed but laughing*

Dave: You must've seen a film like, "Cone"an The Barbarian.

Alan: Yeah, good one.

Dave: Then watch a bit of TV like, "Cone" dancing.

Alan: Yeah, not so good but... fine.

Dave: Come on Alan, whats the matter with you? "Cone" you take a joke?

Alan: Oh, F**K OFF!

Dave: I am speechless! Dave Clifton is actually speechless! I don't believe you just said...

Alan: You don't sound it! I wish you were!

Dave: I mean, I really don't know what to say! I find it really difficult to find the words...

Alan: Try saying nothing!

Dave: You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show!

Alan: Fortunately Dave, you are bang wrong! It's 1 minute past 7, it's your show, you're responsible for the output. I am technically a guest and you failed to control me...READ THE SMALL PRINT ON YOUR CONETRACT.

That was an epic scene
The hatred between them

stoplooklisten

The wife's been struck off the life insurance
Spice girls!!

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

stoplooklisten

After reading this thread, I'm now watching Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters
I didn't know he had a new show!

Valentina

stoplooklisten wrote: »

After reading this thread, I'm now watching Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters
I didn't know he had a new show!

MMM has some Partridge Gold

"You'll recall that at the top of the show that someone phoned in to say: 'You can avoid Type 2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena.' That can't be right but no one as yet has called in to debunk it."

Mr.Nice Guy

"Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl. You're wasting your life."

Oops!

A Partridge amongst the pidgeons....

Valentina

“This is North Norfolk Digital: Sustaining and maintaining our core listenership in an increasingly fragmented market place… I just realised I read that from an internal memo… Wasn’t for you to hear. Sorry! Sorry!”

stimpson

Michael: I did hear about this corporal, right?

[Alan lies down on the bed, listening to Michael’s story, fascinated.]

Michael: And he’s in the third battalion this lad, but he’s right mean, OK? And he goes out in Bangkok, right? And all the prostitutes is comin’ up and saying “How much?” and he’s going “Oh I’m not paying that”, right? And then this beautiful lassie comes up –

[While Michael tells his story, Lynn knocks on the door.]

Michael: – she’s gorgeous, man. And she’s half the price of the others. And they’re getting down to it –

[Lynn enters the room]

Michael: – he puts his hand up her skirt, gets a hold of the old meat and two veg, right? Thinks, hang on, I’ve paid my money, I’m going to have something, so he flips him over, and he fu-

[Michael has just noticed Lynn, standing in the corner of the room.]

Michael: And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels, and it starts first time and they just drive away.

Alan: Strangest story I’ve ever heard. [Gets up] Oh, hello. Lynn. Oh! I see what you were… ah, right, yes. Hello, Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with… a landrover. Lonely nights in the desert.

loyatemu

can't beat Michael's army stories...

Alan: You must have got up to a few pranks in your time.

Michael: Wai-aye. Hey, I mind this one time, right. I was stationed out in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right? And one day, I came back to my tent, right, and it’d eaten all my fags... so I picked it up and I threw it into the sea.

Alan: You threw a monkey in the sea?

Michael: Well, it had eaten all my fags, man. It was a big packet of two-hundred duty-frees, like.

Alan: You threw a monkey in the sea? That’s awful. I mean, I was fishing for some sort of funny story. That’s just upsetting.

Michael: Well, you know, I wasn’t thinking straight. I just, kind of, got the red mist in front of my eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hurled it in the sea.

Alan: Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.

Michael: Well, it didn’t go straight in the water. It bounced off a rock.

take everything

stimpson wrote: »

Michael: I did hear about this corporal, right?

[Alan lies down on the bed, listening to Michael’s story, fascinated.]

Michael: And he’s in the third battalion this lad, but he’s right mean, OK? And he goes out in Bangkok, right? And all the prostitutes is comin’ up and saying “How much?” and he’s going “Oh I’m not paying that”, right? And then this beautiful lassie comes up –

[While Michael tells his story, Lynn knocks on the door.]

Michael: – she’s gorgeous, man. And she’s half the price of the others. And they’re getting down to it –

[Lynn enters the room]

Michael: – he puts his hand up her skirt, gets a hold of the old meat and two veg, right? Thinks, hang on, I’ve paid my money, I’m going to have something, so he flips him over, and he fu-

[Michael has just noticed Lynn, standing in the corner of the room.]

Michael: And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels, and it starts first time and they just drive away.

Alan: Strangest story I’ve ever heard. [Gets up] Oh, hello. Lynn. Oh! I see what you were… ah, right, yes. Hello, Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with… a landrover. Lonely nights in the desert.

Michael is such a great character.
It's been ages since I watched the series in the Travel Lodge. Hilarious but it actually makes me a bit sad watching it. It's so bleak. Does anyone else get that.

Penn

I loved the Travel Lodge series mostly for Sophie, the junior receptionist. Every scene where she just walked in when Alan's saying something stupid, and she has to try and stifle her laughter was just amazing.

ronnie3585

take everything wrote: »

Michael is such a great character.
It's been ages since I watched the series in the Travel Lodge. Hilarious but it actually makes me a bit sad watching it. It's so bleak. Does anyone else get that.

Nah, he's just a 'work Geordie':D

stoplooklisten

Does anyone know the story behind why he hates bill oddie, or direct me to an episode?

loyatemu

The Travel Tavern series (IAP S1) is definitely peak-Partridge for me. Pretty much everything they've done with the character has been great, but that series is so consistently good, it's up there with the very best comedies. Virtually every word out of Alan's mouth is quotable - now smell my cheese you mother!

loyatemu

just came across this message from Alan, especially for us Irish:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i7lPCj1doU

stoplooklisten

NSFW

MillField

loyatemu wrote: »

The Travel Tavern series (IAP S1) is definitely peak-Partridge for me. Pretty much everything they've done with the character has been great, but that series is so consistently good, it's up there with the very best comedies. Virtually every word out of Alan's mouth is quotable - now smell my cheese you mother!

Completely agree!

Welsh Megaman

Sir Oxman wrote: »

That was an epic scene
The hatred between them

I do mean 'the worth of boast worlds'.

BMMachine

In hindsight I should have named this thread SUUUUPPPEERRRRRTALK: Sponsored by Ginsters Pasties

Realt Dearg Sec

BMMachine wrote: »

In hindsight I should have named this thread SUUUUPPPEERRRRRTALK: Sponsored by Ginsters Pasties

He's a master of getting a laugh out of using product names, the more boringly British the funnier.

George Michael

No, no, no. I do mean the worth of boast worlds. i.e., in the world of boasters – not the biscuits - but people who boast, like you, their worth is worth… you know…

George Michael

if i was to pick the top three funniest series, alan partridge would be in it

fryup

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

He's a master of getting a laugh out of using product names, the more boringly British the funnier.

"not my face not my face!! i'm doing a photoshoot for vision express"

Suspicious Dave

These awards are about people like Susan Cresswell. Susan is braver than ten firemen, or a dozen policemen. Four years ago, Susan lost her hand in a cake-cutting machine. She managed to walk 400 yards, holding her hand in her other hand, where she hailed a taxi. One can only imagine what that must have looked like. The quick thinking taxi driver drove her to a newsagent, wher the hand was packed in Soleros, Magnums, Mini Milks and a Feast. After six hours of surgery, the hand was sown back on. Sadly, it didn’t work, so off it came again. But she still had one good hand, and she was damned if anyone was going to take that off her. No one was suggesting they were going to do that. Anyway, the point is, four years later, she is credit controller at Cromwell Certificated Bailiffs. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand… Applaud! Applaud like mad for Susan Cresswell.

Suspicious Dave

We’re also taking emails on the big question. What happens after we die? Frederick emails to say he has four children. He is the proud father of a new baby boy, Joshua, and his daughter, Susan, five, has just started school. And he thinks after death, there is nothing.

StupidLikeAFox

You people.....

Ipso

Lynn's a bit like Burt Reynolds, reliable but she's got a moustache!

fryup

Partridge - Live TV can blow up in your face...oh sorry about that

Irishmen - why??

Partridge - well you know the troubles bombs, explosions

Irishmen - we're from Dublin

Partridge - but thats where you make them

stoplooklisten

Flatley my dear, I don't riverdance

Thepoet85

Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe. But this isn't Britain...This is der Autobahn!

ronnie3585

Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.

Thargor

"No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!"

loyatemu

Sophie: Oh, there was a call for you. A Mr. Nesshead rang.

Alan: Right. Never heard of him. Did he leave a first name?

Sophie: No, it was just a Mr. P. Nesshead.

Alan: Sophie, that’s a crank call. That’s another crank call.

Sophie: Is it?

Alan: Read it back to yourself.

Sophie: Oh yeah, I can see what he’s done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others.

Alan: If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list. I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr. G. String…Mr. Nick Hers…Y. Front…Mr. T. Osser? That doesn’t even work. Mr. B. Ody – this is Bill Oddie. It’s not a prank call. Why have you put it on there?

Susan: Well, we thought it looked like ‘body’.

Alan: What’s rude about a body?

Sophie: Tits?

stimpson

Caller (Mary): I think we’ll be giant super-beings, really.
Alan: We’re talking about what people will look like in a billion years time. Carry on, Mary.
Woman: I don’t think we’ll have hair, you see. I think we’ll be completely hairless.
Alan: Are you hairy, Mary?
Mary: No.
Alan: What?
Mary: No!
Alan: Right.
Mary: And I think at the end of the day, what will happen is, we’ll be more or less the same, but with bigger hands and eyes and sex organs.
Alan: I wonder what that will look like.
Mary: Look in the back of a spoon, in the bathroom.
Alan: Goodbye, Mary. Traffic!

stoplooklisten

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

the inner workings of Alan's mind

Torricelli

Michael: Me, I'd, I-I-I'd have an, an Apache attack helicopter.
Alan Partridge: Oh, great.
Michael: Aye. I'd gan back to school. But first I'd take out the labs and then I'd type into the attack computer 'Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher'. Blow 'im to bits.
Alan Partridge: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Michael: And then I'd go looking for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering just down the road from his house, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge, 'Hello, you bastard.' He panics, right? And he goes in the house, so I get the 30-millimetre canon and I take out the fish pond, coy carp in there couple of rounds each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side and the machine-gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes out. 'Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!' I cut it right in half, right? And then he goes, 'Ahhh!' He runs up on to the garage roof. I say, 'Right. This is for you, Tom.' He goes, 'No, no!' He's begging us, he's begging us man, 'No, please don't!' And then I fly off to Cornwall and I just smash in the sea in a big ball of flames.
Alan Partridge: Sleep well, Michael. Erm, who's Tom Donaldson?
Michael: Oh, he's just a mate.

ronnie3585

Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot.