Alan Partridge Superthread - Sponsored by Dettol

fussyonion

"I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said 'How do I look?' Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say 'Go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny'? No. You'd say 'You look nice... John'"

Valentina

Caller: "I'd like to go round Legoland, with Sean Connery and then afterwards we'd go for a lovely lamb lunch in the centre of Windsor."

Alan: "I've got to say Roy, I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea, I think Sean would rather do something like, wander round the wild fowl park in Pepperstock with bottle ae Scotch!"

Caller: "I don't agree, he'd go to Legoland. Bye." *Hangs up*

Ipso

Alan: Is the a neighbourhood… sorry I’m very close to you aren’t I? Is there a neighbourhood watch system?
Estate Agent: I think so, yes.
Alan: Right, well, I’ll do my stint. I’d want expenses though. Otherwise people start taking liberties. Before you know it you’re mowing their lawn.
Estate Agent: Shall we have a look at the rest of the house?
Alan: Yep. [Lynn starts to walk towards the living room door, and Alan cuts in front of her] One more question. On the way here quite near by I did see a community centre with a mural on the side?
Estate Agent: School for the deaf.
Alan: Right. That mean there will be noise or there won’t be noise? Difficult one to figure out, that. But they’re just deaf, they’re not deaf offenders?
Estate Agent: They’re just deaf.

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

Valentina

“Are you from Northern Island? I like the murals on the ends of the houses of men in balaclavas with tommy guns. It must be like living amongst lots of Banksy’s, but Banksy’s who want to kill people that live near them.”

groucho marx

Butter my a7se

Thargor

Fred Swanson wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Answered a couple of pages back:

prinzeugen wrote: »

They revealed what it was.. A Dutch special interest magazines called "Dikke Vrouwen op de Toiletten" (Fat women on toilets).

Suspicious Dave

Listeners, I have someone on the line who fears he may be a gay.

He's married so I shall only be using his Christian name.

I'm talking to Domingo in Little Oakley.

No? He's gone.

Pity.

Marvellous little tapas bar there.

ronnie3585

This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.

stoplooklisten

Back of the net!

ricero

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlcL7S1NzGM

Fred Swanson

This post has been deleted.

ronnie3585

If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.

You make pigs smoke!

Big Vern

You feed burgers to swans!

.red.

You have big sheds but nobodys allowed in!

Big Vern

And in these sheds you have 20ft high chickens

Sir Oxman

On the Luas reading this thread - not a good look

groucho marx

The lex files
The Japanese mercedes

Torricelli

Polly! Thank Goodness!

We've got a sad Arab on line 3.

Alan's description of hearing that at the depths of his addictions Dave Clifton had been caught masturbating tramps:

"Like some sort of diabolical soup kitchen"

Suspicious Dave

“Alright Chris!”

“Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”

“Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”

“I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”

“I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kiev's?”

“I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”

“Doesn't matter. She can have fish”

“No she won't eat that either”

“Oh forget it!. You people”

Ash.J.Williams

Loving the new series of mmm. Just watched the Julian Barratt one this morning

Welsh Megaman

The first three episodes of 'I'm Alan Partridge' (Series 1) on GOLD right now!

Classic Queen!

Welsh Megaman

You know what this room says to me? Aqua!

Which is French for water.

Grayditch

Only getting through Mid Morning Matters season 2 now.

Quality stuff.

ShagNastii

I sh*t you not but I actually watched the above video entirely a while back. Can honestly say it ranks as one of the top five "hours" I have spent in my life.

Welsh Megaman

Alan Attack: Like 'The Cook Report', but with a more slapstick approach.

Skid X

Apparently the Tony Hayersesque suits at Wings's record company initially refuse to clear Jet to be used on I'm Alan Partridge ...


but Paul McCartney is a big fan of Alan's and he intervened and told them Alan could have whatever song he wanted.

Back of the net!

Welsh Megaman

Skid X wrote: »

Apparently the Tony Hayersesque suits at Wings's record company initially refuse to clear Jet to be used on I'm Alan Partridge ...


but Paul McCartney is a big fan of Alan's and he intervened and told them Alan could have whatever song he wanted.

Back of the net!

They're only the band The Beatles could have been!