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05-09-2020, 14:07   #4021
Capt'n Midnight
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'When one door closes another opens'


Needless to say it didn't pass the NCT this time.
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06-09-2020, 18:50   #4022
jaykay74
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>’Enter new password‘

~ 'chicken'

> ‘Password must contain a capital’

~ 'chickenkiev'
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06-09-2020, 20:54   #4023
Ted_YNWA
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My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it is a whisk I am willing to take.
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06-09-2020, 22:39   #4024
M.T. Cranium
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We were at the pub and the wife complained that all I think about is football.

The server came over with the bill, and said "I'll be right back."

"You look more like an inside left to me," I replied.

"And not only that," added the wife, "but you're stuck in the 70s."
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09-09-2020, 08:33   #4025
Bob Harris
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If you ever get lost up the mountains and need help, take a shít, someone always appears.
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10-09-2020, 09:31   #4026
GBX
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My mate Bernard and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor yesterday.

The counsellor asked them, "What seems to be the problem?" he said, "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
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10-09-2020, 20:51   #4027
blinding
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GBX View Post
My mate Bernard and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor yesterday.

The counsellor asked them, "What seems to be the problem?" he said, "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
Did the Counsellor see that he was not making Mountains out of Molehills ?
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10-09-2020, 22:32   #4028
Capt'n Midnight
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They say everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame.

Well I've not had mine yet but I suspect I'll get it tomorrow when the police dig my garden up.
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11-09-2020, 21:53   #4029
Edgware
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Hey love you've pulled. Bring your coat, its cold in the boot of my car.
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11-09-2020, 22:18   #4030
bodhrandude
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How did the Germans bomb Nice. They poured hot tea all over the place.

One I told on this thread yonks ago:

Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Highlander? The Rolling Stones go 'Hey you get off of my cloud.' Whilst the highlander bellows 'Macleod get aff of that ewe.'
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14-09-2020, 05:02   #4031
joeguevara
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Paid a carpenter to make me a double bed. Pr1ck has gone and done a bunk.
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14-09-2020, 21:40   #4032
Capt'n Midnight
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I carefully wrote down the name of the chap who gave his name to the law which states 'No backup is perfect' in case I should need it.

Needless to say I can't find it.
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16-09-2020, 12:40   #4033
FreshCoffee
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Trump and Pence were sitting in a bar in Washington. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Trump and Pence over there?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Trump said, "We're planning World War 3."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Mexicans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Trump turned to Pence and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Mexicans!"
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16-09-2020, 23:32   #4034
byrner88
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A garda recruit was asked during the exam,

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."
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17-09-2020, 14:42   #4035
dolanbaker
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Hi all, I've volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Athlone , which apparently were made by a tried and regulated, Russian Pharmaceutical company.

I received my first shot and wanted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκιχoρoshό Я чувствую себя немного странно и думаю, что трахнул твою мать. сука ебать
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