What's the etiquette here??

26-05-2021 10:13pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hope you gave the rivet a good ‘clen out’ Doc.

Had a feed of that stuff and being in a hurry didn’t clean the rivet well.

Next crap was like the following morning and it was like shïtting thru a pair of tights.

Tag nuts were tightly soldered.

No problems there, Brendan. The Missus might be very modern and a bit lippy as is their want these days, but she bakes brown bread every two days without fail. A good feed of that leads to minimal effort involved in clean up operations.

Like Emmet mentioned earlier, it's a case of one thorough back-forth-back operation, then a light 'swipe and dab' to ensure everything would even pass muster with the pickiest of Tidy Town assessment committee members.

All bets are off if I've been sampling 4 litres of hazardously strong ale the night before though. :eek:

EmmetSpiceland · 26-05-2021 10:19pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

All bets are off if I've been sampling 4 litres of hazardously strong ale the night before though. :eek:

Did you invest €7.49 in that 8 500ml bottles of ‘Perlenbacher Pils XXL’ deal from Lidl there last week, ADP?

Won’t be long until their likes will not be seen again.

26-05-2021 10:32pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Did you invest €7.49 in that 8 500ml bottles of ‘Perlenbacher Pils XXL’ deal from Lidl there last week, ADP?

Won’t be long until their likes will not be seen again.

I didn't, as lager gives me bad heartburn, Emmet. I was talking to a lad who picked up 2 cases of it though. Was saying the same things; the squares up in the Dept of Health are going to get rid of the concept of cheap slabs and 2 bottles free type promotions . A golden era destroyed by liberals.

He was also telling me he ended up drinking 14 bottles of it, and losing almost €400 playing no-limit online poker. Not such a bargain then.

EmmetSpiceland · 28-05-2021 7:19pm

Ever have one of those days where you just don’t have a second to sit on the “throne” and drop a deuce in peace?

Had one of them there, myself, today. Was out and about, “off site”, a lot of driving but no time pinch one off. I’d say I felt the first rumblings before lunch, just ignored them but they got progressively “stronger” as the afternoon wore on.

Was feeling some real discomforting heading into the evening. Had some serious pressure building up. Was getting, more than, a little concerned about the over-boiling of the “backlog” and the volume of matter that was “front loading” at the badge.

By the time I got to sit on the jacks I wasn’t too happy at the prospect of pushing this one out. Thankfully, as she crowned, the “stretch” wasn’t excessive and she was nicely self-lubricated.

The mess piled up quickly in the water, so the smell did become an “issue”. I didn’t care, of course, I knew I had the matchbook ready. This one wouldn’t be hanging around and no one would be any the wiser.

While it wasn’t the best way to spend the day, it was, most certainly, the best way to sign it off. Feeling lighter already. Here’s to a fun, and prosperous, weekend ahead. For all of us.

Beechwoodspark · 28-05-2021 8:42pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No problems there, Brendan. The Missus might be very modern and a bit lippy as is their want these days, but she bakes brown bread every two days without fail. A good feed of that leads to minimal effort involved in clean up operations.

Like Emmet mentioned earlier, it's a case of one thorough back-forth-back operation, then a light 'swipe and dab' to ensure everything would even pass muster with the pickiest of Tidy Town assessment committee members.

All bets are off if I've been sampling 4 litres of hazardously strong ale the night before though. :eek:

As is their “wont”.

Not “want.”

28-05-2021 8:53pm

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

As is their “wont”.

Not “want.”

Cheers. You a bit ‘bound up’ perhaps?

Brendan Bendar · 29-05-2021 8:02am

Deleted User wrote: »

Cheers. You a bit ‘bound up’ perhaps?

Has a ‘big roast in the oven’ it seems, Doc..

Will probably cover the shoes sometime this morning.

Typo wadd’n’t it?

Slideways · 29-05-2021 10:10am

On an intra-state flight yesterday and was hanging for a dump, but was in the window seat so am a firm believer in not disturbing the other two passengers on such a short flight.

Landed and had only carry on so made a beeline for the facilities. Wasnt the mens toilets closed for cleaning, theres only a handful of flights, one would think they could time the cleaning during a quiet window.
Straight to the disabled jacks, now was not the time for hesitating.

Whoosh, and the bomb bay doors opened. Was like a rats family reunion and no social distancing.

Figured there was going to be an extensive clean up. First wipe and it was spotless, so much so that i thought in my rush i had missed the leather 18 spoker. Got myself into the ski jumpers pose and really spread the cheeks, there was to be no doubt this time. Another perfect report card.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone

29-05-2021 2:39pm

Slideways wrote: »

On an intra-state flight yesterday and was hanging for a dump, but was in the window seat so am a firm believer in not disturbing the other two passengers on such a short flight.

Landed and had only carry on so made a beeline for the facilities. Wasnt the mens toilets closed for cleaning, theres only a handful of flights, one would think they could time the cleaning during a quiet window.
Straight to the disabled jacks, now was not the time for hesitating.

Whoosh, and the bomb bay doors opened. Was like a rats family reunion and no social distancing.

Figured there was going to be an extensive clean up. First wipe and it was spotless, so much so that i thought in my rush i had missed the leather 18 spoker. Got myself into the ski jumpers pose and really spread the cheeks, there was to be no doubt this time. Another perfect report card.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone

Conficious he say:
"It takes three wipes to know two was enough"

Brendan Bendar · 29-05-2021 3:10pm

Slideways wrote: »

On an intra-state flight yesterday and was hanging for a dump, but was in the window seat so am a firm believer in not disturbing the other two passengers on such a short flight.

Landed and had only carry on so made a beeline for the facilities. Wasnt the mens toilets closed for cleaning, theres only a handful of flights, one would think they could time the cleaning during a quiet window.
Straight to the disabled jacks, now was not the time for hesitating.

Whoosh, and the bomb bay doors opened. Was like a rats family reunion and no social distancing.

Figured there was going to be an extensive clean up. First wipe and it was spotless, so much so that i thought in my rush i had missed the leather 18 spoker. Got myself into the ski jumpers pose and really spread the cheeks, there was to be no doubt this time. Another perfect report card.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone

Being familiar with airports Slide, as you are , reckon you arrived on last flight or near with the cleaners shutting down two hours before knocking off time.

Knock off at 2200…. Put up the closed -cleaning signs at around 2000 and nurse the brushes and stuff for two hours.

Used to take particular comfort in fcuking those wasters up.

Like arriving into PierA at around 2030 and connecting to Galway at 2200 and the signs up.

Good intake of rich food, pressure on the bilges, bladder tight and rivet distended.

Fuuuherke this pal….no way will i suck this…

Straight in, drop the strides, muzzle at the 45 degree angle, well above the pewter.

Explode the Fcukker and spray the pot in a thick carpet ripe oniony midden, like a tray of cheap plaster.

Then after a requisite time ,trundle to the three bewers breast feeding their brushes.

“ sorry ma’am , some rock ape is after blowing out his guts in the gents here, you might have to get the place back into use before tomorrow.”

Hmmmm……….:cool:

Hector Savage · 03-06-2021 1:24pm

I must have deposited about 4KG of arse slurry into the back of the pewter with about 4 trips to the jax so far today.

And I still feel a twitch in the old sheriffs badge.

Pasta and Pizza doesn't suit me, plus eating a bag of nuts with some cheap spanish beers didn't help.

Samsgirl · 11-06-2021 8:55pm

No post here for a week. Jaysus lads I hope ye are all okay what with it being bbq season and now the outdoor drinking is back.

Maybe their are some 'issues' with all the meat and porter being consumed?

Brendan Bendar · 11-06-2021 9:09pm

Samsgirl wrote: »

No post here for a week. Jaysus lads I hope ye are all okay what with it being bbq season and now the outdoor drinking is back.

Maybe their are some 'issues' with all the meat and porter being consumed?

Just left a hefty ‘crackler ’ in the pot, for your info.

Voodoomelon · 11-06-2021 11:05pm

Had a feed of white pasta at lunch time a few weeks back. Those of you that recall, my intentines do not take kindly to what they consider the imposters that are white bread or pasta. Alas sometimes the heart prevails over the arse and there is no avoiding the succumbing to temptation and stuffing ones mouth with Italy's finest.

6 hours later, I found myself lying under one of Germanys finest V12 engines, wrench in one hand, exhaust in the other. A friend had popped over to help out; up until this point I had been popping the arse out the garage door into the street to release some absolute stinkers that would strip the paint from the hull of a U-Boat. Absolutely foul stuff.

With the stomach still doing cartwheels and causing me agonising cramps, back under the car I slid to tighten some bolts. Mate up top, holding same bolts in place through the top of the engine bay, barely a whisper of a noise was emitted when I passed a vericously thick, heat-filled emission, so quiet that I thought nothing of it. I'd completely forgotten myself and my company.

10 seconds later, roars from above "Jesus Christ! What's that!?". I suddenly remember what i'd just done. It had risen up the side of the engine straight into his face. An absolutely disgraceful smell that nearly had him doubled over, he thought one of the hydraulic lines had broken open.

After 3 minutes of me doubled over in embarresment and laughter, I was in so much agony I had to head to the throne for 30 minutes whilst all doors in the garage were opened to ventilate the place. Mate blames me, but I blame the pasta.

12-06-2021 12:43am

Samsgirl wrote: »

No post here for a week. Jaysus lads I hope ye are all okay what with it being bbq season and now the outdoor drinking is back.

Maybe their are some 'issues' with all the meat and porter being consumed?

This thread hasn't been the same since poor old JohnnyFlash shuffled off this mortal coil.

I'd say it was a stubborn coil that got him tbh.

Brendan Bendar · 12-06-2021 7:48am

Deleted User wrote: »

This thread hasn't been the same since poor old JohnnyFlash shuffled off this mortal coil.

I'd say it was a stubborn coil that got him tbh.

A knotty ‘ ships hawser’ they say, after a feed of ‘blown’ chops.

Years of dogs abuse to the leather button weakened the structure and she collapsed.

The butchers off cuts and cheap mince took its toll.

Hector Savage · 16-06-2021 2:53pm

Was drinking that Frankisaner German beer last night, **** me , it makes me crap a lot, must have deposited about four kilos of midden so far today.

Left the pot with a nest of baby eels there.

EmmetSpiceland · 16-06-2021 3:29pm

Samsgirl wrote: »

No post here for a week. Jaysus lads I hope ye are all okay what with it being bbq season and now the outdoor drinking is back.

Maybe their are some 'issues' with all the meat and porter being consumed?

This is it, S. Was at BBQs on Friday and Saturday. Had a few pints of Guinness early in the evening on Friday and after that it was a mix of strong, Eastern European, lagers and shorts over the 2 days. Along with a heroic amount of grilled meats.

Pretty much liquid shíts for Sunday and Monday. Ended up getting doghouse’d a bit on Sunday. In my drunken stupor, and with prophetic foresight, I’d put a couple of rolls of bog roll into the freezer when I got home. Unfortunately, this left my partner short at a most “vulnerable” time.

I was accosted early Sunday morning, while still in bed, demanding to know where the toilet roll went. ‘Freezer’, I groaned, ‘for the cold wipe’. She was not impressed.

The mood thawed later in the day but, boy, was I glad I had the “chilled” paper. I had 3 trips made before lunch. And that carried on into Monday.

Thankfully, pulled off a “magic”, or ghostie, there earlier. Still gave it 2 passes, just to be sure, but things are, definitely, looking up.

Hector Savage · 17-06-2021 1:54pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Believe that was true.... lad working in, Finance...I think, was waiting for a free trap at the 1030 evacuation, when in rolls an Executive Officer and claims ‘privelege’.

Lad says he blew out a load like a bolt of otters going off a riverbank, and left the pan like the Derby Co. goalmouth in the 1960s.

Fcuking whack of stale salmon and peanuts was vile the lad said.

Like a bears den after a winter hibernation.....fcuking rank.

Just going through some of the older posts ...

Poetry, just poetry!!

tgdaly · 01-07-2021 6:03pm

Everyone must be fierce caked up at the moment

Brendan Bendar · 01-07-2021 6:17pm

No….. had a feed of sweetcorn corms….. six small lads grilled, got them on the skewers well coated in butter and salt… excellent ….

Next morning down at the club felt pressure on the brown button so reckoned it might be prudent to ‘evacuate’ before teeing off.

Rocked in to the traps, dropped the strides, and just blew out a blast of scutther well marbled with sweetcorn and spread the load over the belly of the pot.

Finished off with another magazine of looser chainfire which coated the bottom of the cistern and the seat in a thin mist of corn infused drittle.

Not a pretty sight, I grant you but the relief was wodious.

Shot a nice 35 pts after …….. good times.

Slideways · 02-07-2021 5:17am

It’s a common occurrence with such an input of sweet corn. Find a similar outcome when it comes to peanuts.

Took a notion meself the other day, was wandering through the isle of the local posh grocery shop and there was rhubarb on display, all trimmed up and tied in a little bushel with some hairy string.

Grabbed a bunch and made some stewed rhubarb and custard. Made a glutton of meself and polished off about 3 stems all on my own some. The locals didn’t appreciate it so it was a solo run to finish what I had cooked.

Well slurry arse here had some spluttery brown water this morning. I’m told anecdotally that custard can have a slow down issue with the brown trumpet but it didn’t stand a chance. The see-saw was tipped on to liquid side and there was no saving the morning after that. Felt shaken and a little depleted.

Will have a sleep on the couch for a while, see if it sees me right

Slideways · 06-07-2021 9:02am

Someone just down the road from me had a bad morning. Like something the old Flutter lad would have done. By jaysus he was a cantankerous auld git

Brendan Bendar · 06-07-2021 9:39am

Nasty kernt you got there slides,even the Flutther wouldn’t behave like that.

From what I remember he was an expotent of the ‘Truckers Tizer’ manouvre.

The Flagon full of piss out the car window, in a Tizer container.

Also remember him saying he skulled half a can of piss he had left the night before when he was too lazy to go to the privy.Threw it up on the head as a pipe opener next morning before realizing his mistake!!!!

Disgusting kernt.

EmmetSpiceland · 06-07-2021 1:50pm

Switched to porridge for breakfast there recently. Really feeling the “benefits”, not as hungry before lunch and providing some top quality bonding for the toilet deposits.

It’s a great reliever but it seems to have brought with it an, addition, afternoon trip. All fairly “textbook” too, soft in consistency but so soft as to negatively affect the shape or cleanup.

The only real “drawback” is that it leaves the bowl looking like it didn’t go down without a fight. Long, brown, streaks are testament to this. I’ve never been a fan of utilising the, dreaded, brush but there’s been no other option. These are deep, deep, smearings.

Obviously, I’ve tried putting down a paper “buffer” in the hope that, not only, will it prevent any “splash back” but might also cradle the bolus and prevent any, unpleasant, dragging. So far, this has been unsuccessful. I’m loathe to try adding more paper as I don’t want to run the risk of blocking on top of the streaking.

Is there anything I should be doing here? Adding yogurt to the porridge instead of honey? Maybe go back to the cod liver oil and see if that could slick up the logs and reduce “drag”.

While this is, purely, an aesthetic “issue” I would, still, appreciate any thoughts on how to resolve it.

Grouptherapy · 06-07-2021 5:04pm

Long time lurker here. I really enjoy this thread both for the humorous prose and the good dietary tips...

For as long as I can remember I've been irregular. On a good week there'll be daily deliveries to the ceramic and on a bad week there might be only the odd (every 2nd day at best) offering like something you'd expect to see from a 5'9" rabbit. I've learned to just accept this. I eat a fairly good diet and am a recent convert to kiwi fruit thanks to what I've read here. Diet helps on a good week - but makes little or no difference on a bad one.

Anyway. I've just come off a bad week. The odd hard unsatisfying 'type 1s' as someone labelled them, backed up with dry farts which generate neither odour or much accoustics. No satisfaction to be found anywhere.

But then around mid-morning I felt all of a sudden the long-awaited sensation of pressure in the gut and the badge. Made my way to the newly refurbished facilities in work and got the end of terrace stall - the wide one that complies with part M of the building regs. Bit of paper in the bowl to guard against Poseidon's kiss, some more (doubled over for extra cushion) on the seat. All the while pressure is building nicely. Settled down, got comfy, opened phone and just rode the clutch for a bit to let pressure increase. Then - just opened the bomb-bay doors and 2 or 3 prime specimen logs slid almost silently out - like something you'd see in a wildlife documentary slipping from the bank into the river... A bit of badge twitching while everything recovered, and all finished up with minimum wiping and a text book 1-shot flush. The relief. A feeling of rebirth.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel omnigrateful like someone who just received an all-clear diagnosis and had to share this with someone.

Brendan Bendar · 06-07-2021 5:09pm

Grouptherapy wrote: »

Long time lurker here. I really enjoy this thread both for the humorous prose and the good dietary tips...

For as long as I can remember I've been irregular. On a good week there'll be daily deliveries to the ceramic and on a bad week there might be only the odd (every 2nd day at best) offering like something you'd expect to see from a 5'9" rabbit. I've learned to just accept this. I eat a fairly good diet and am a recent convert to kiwi fruit thanks to what I've read here. Diet helps on a good week - but makes little or no difference on a bad one.

Anyway. I've just come off a bad week. The odd hard unsatisfying 'type 1s' as someone labelled them, backed up with dry farts which generate neither odour or much accoustics. No satisfaction to be found anywhere.

But then around mid-morning I felt all of a sudden the long-awaited sensation of pressure in the gut and the badge. Made my way to the newly refurbished facilities in work and got the end of terrace stall - the wide one that complies with part M of the building regs. Bit of paper in the bowl to guard against Poseidon's kiss, some more (doubled over for extra cushion) on the seat. All the while pressure is building nicely. Settled down, got comfy, opened phone and just rode the clutch for a bit to let pressure increase. Then - just opened the bomb-bay doors and 2 or 3 prime specimen logs slid almost silently out - like something you'd see in a wildlife documentary slipping from the bank into the river... A bit of badge twitching while everything recovered, and all finished up with minimum wiping and a text book 1-shot flush. The relief. A feeling of rebirth.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel omnigrateful like someone who just received an all-clear diagnosis and had to share this with someone.

Topper lad, excellent piece of descriptive prose, not overegged.

Just a lad sluicing out a greasy log with ease and comfort.

EmmetSpiceland · 06-07-2021 6:14pm

Grouptherapy wrote: »

The relief. A feeling of rebirth.

Good stuff, G.

You know, they say Kavanagh composed ‘Canal Bank Walk’ after his first post-surgery dump. Had been “backed up” for days and, once it was out, he was like a new man.

tgdaly · 15-07-2021 8:26am

Must be a few updates after the week away?

Pintman Paddy Losty · 15-07-2021 9:21am

This new site looks very like my most recent deposit in the Jax. Messy, unsightly, loose and badly in need of being flushed away quick sharp.

As usual the geeks in boards HQ have made an absolute dogs dinner out of this.

What's the etiquette here??

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