What's the etiquette here??

Sharp MZ700 · 19-11-2019 10:30pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I'm a squatter gerry, unable to spread my feet too far apart, so sometimes I got excrement on the inside of my legs. Is a crime?

Can I ask, you're not a cyclist by any chance? They love shïtting themselves too.

EmmetSpiceland · 19-11-2019 10:45pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Can I ask, you're not a cyclist by any chance? They love shïtting themselves too.

Could be a long distance runner, maybe?

padd b1975 · 19-11-2019 11:41pm

For squatting, check out Paddy Cullen's position as he faces a penalty in the 1974 All Ireland Final.

Can't really be improved on even though he's concentrating on other matters.....probably.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-11-2019 1:23am

On to a bad one here, lads.

I’ve heard people posting about what happens after eating a bag of cashews. Discoloured and “mottled” logs. But logs none the less.

Wasn’t really paying attention and gobbled down a whole bag of brazil nuts. Wasn’t a very big bag but coupled with my pasta dinner and brown bread “tea” I guess I expected something similar.

Not even close. It’s past midnight and I’m still sat here with my arse spitting out dry crumbs. Every so often I’ll go in for a clean, even having to “tease out” some stubborn desiccated nut from just inside the door.

Just when I think it’s safe to go I get another rumble and the whole chewed up mess starts again. Fffffffssssssskkkk, ffffssskk, ffsssk, ffsssk and then a thin, airy, spitty, whistling fart.

Is there any “goodness” in these yokes at all? I feel like I’ll be passing little nuggets of them for another week. They’ve gone from bag to chew to the bowl and nothing seems to have broken down.

Maybe they were gone off, only found them in the press but you don’t expect this sort of effect. I’m, sorely, tempted to send in a letter of “complaint” but they might send me a box of them by way of apology.

A nasty, dry, affair.

NeinNeinNein · 20-11-2019 1:34am

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 1:40am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

The nutcracker suite comes to mind.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-11-2019 1:41am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 1:51am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

I had to move several stacks of The Irish Press to get the Encyclopedia Brittania down. Luckily enough the page on LE Peto was intact, unlike others that seem to have been sacrificed to the bog gods. A fartiste no less. The regulars here should form a travelling troupe. Emmetspiceland and the dangle berries?

NeinNeinNein · 20-11-2019 2:20am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

Don't get too caught up on the foodstuff, you have discovered a potential that might excel with careful nurturing.

The Arts Council goes crazy for this sort of thing.

Can you manage the first few notes of The Derry Air?

Hotblack Desiato · 20-11-2019 6:18pm

Don't you mean "The Arse Council" ?

Some great headlines on that rather disappointing BBC story about the teflon jacks (50 flushes? More like one weekend for a Guinness drinker, but I digress) :

Water bill 'too expensive' to flush toilet
Nothing wrong with letting the yellow mellow. Think of it as saving the planet, one pish at a time.

Public toilets 'absolute necessity', politicians are warned
Someone tell Dublin City Council.

Porthcawl anti-sex toilet plans 'submitted in error'
Seems to me you'd have to be rather desperate to go at it in a public jacks, but what do I know.

Andreas77 · 20-11-2019 6:25pm

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

Stevieluvsye · 20-11-2019 6:28pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

If you told me it was raining i'd look out the window to double check

Brendan Bendar · 20-11-2019 6:28pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

You have more issues than that, dude.:cool:

Hotblack Desiato · 20-11-2019 6:36pm

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

Bobblehats · 20-11-2019 6:43pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

Have you given her a name yet.

Andreas77 · 20-11-2019 6:46pm

I don't believe the fear mongering around parasites, i once served sushi to a table-full of people using very thin slices of raw beef. Reason being, we discovered sushi rice on offer at the department store and designed a novel meal

you never had steak tartare?

Bobblehats · 20-11-2019 7:06pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

you never had steak tartare?

Ah yesh a delightful mouthwatering rendition of Salmonellas, Escherichia coli, Shigella, Staphylococcus aureus, and Listeria monocytogenes that seems to continue late into the gastrointestinal tract. And beyond

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 7:17pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Ah yesh a delightful mouthwatering rendition of Salmonellas, Escherichia coli, Shigella, Staphylococcus aureus, and Listeria monocytogenes that seems to continue late into the gastrointestinal tract. And beyond

I remember the Staphylococcus of Abbeyfeale quite well.

20-11-2019 7:19pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

That reminds me, I must reread Irvine Welsh's book Filth again soon.

tgdaly · 21-11-2019 9:40am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You have more issues than that, dude.:cool:

You should see Andreas post on the "Incest in Ireland" thread going around at the moment. Really disturbed individual, I'd say he always goes for the middle trap

Andreas77 · 21-11-2019 11:08am

No doubt you have a mouth full of margarine, sucking the pipe of emulsion, gargling the fats, but even if you live to one hundred ,unlikely as you take as fact the authenticity of the food pyramid and the weasel words of the conglomerates, you will never lie with so many beautiful women as me, envious eyes

EmmetSpiceland · 21-11-2019 11:11am

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

Utter Consternation · 21-11-2019 11:17am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

This highly esteemed senate of debate needs to maintain very high standards. It's an example to how other threads should carry themselves.

To keep things on topic i had a fairly disastrous dump there. Far too much paper work. The seven pints of Guinness i had after work are to blame. The backboard of the jacks was destroyed, absolute carnage.

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

yermandan · 21-11-2019 11:17am

yermandan · 21-11-2019 11:18am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

Exactly, less of the personals, back to the job at hand

Tammy! · 21-11-2019 11:25am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

This highly esteemed senate of debate needs to maintain very high standards:

Don't worry there, I'm sure Gillian McKeith would be proud.

NeinNeinNein · 21-11-2019 1:44pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

Would you have had a quick cider to cleanse the palate mid stout feed? Perhaps a sneaky few taytos?

Bullocks · 21-11-2019 2:32pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

Fair play UC, I think a two tone turd is a sign of principles in a man. You knew when you had enough and didn't make a "baste" of yourself before heading home.
Wouldn't it be worse if you had over "the gallon" and were squitting black black liquid all morning

Bobblehats · 21-11-2019 2:49pm

I too have witnessed this phenomenon. The two seem to be intertwined, much like the yin and the yan. Personally I reckon it’s a sign of gut harmony so when this phenomenon occurs I tend to leave the “pro biotics” off the shopping list paving the way for another marvin exclusive

JohnnyFlash · 21-11-2019 3:01pm

Met an old friend of mine today for the dinner. He was telling me that himself and the missus aren't talking since an incident last Sunday.

He was over at his mother-in-law's place for the lunch with the wife and kids. Had a feed of pints (he estimates approximately 14) the day before. And a donor kebab with taco fries in the chipper afterwards. Was as rough as a grisly bear's arse the next day, and was farting almost continuously since he woke up that morning. He was letting off low ones throughout soup and main course, and felt he was getting away with them. Anyways, they were tucking into the apple tart and ice cream when he lets an absolute ripper go - swears it caused the net curtain in the window behind him to move. Just let his guard down and out came the arse cannon.

Everyone fell silent at the table and started staring at him. To break the terrible awkward silence he quipped 'get out and walk, you lazy baxtard'.

His mother-in-law went to town on him, telling him she could smell his arse cologne throughout the entire meal, that he was reeking of stale stout, that she cried bitter tears the day he put a ring on her daughter's finger etc.

Wife crying, kids crying, massive fight in the car on the way home, and he's in the spare room since Sunday.

What was the lad supposed to do? Seems unfair to me. He turned up at the dinner, tried to keep things under control, let his guard down, and then tried to ease the tension by making a witty quip.

Deebles McBeebles · 21-11-2019 3:03pm

Goes to show the power a fart can have over a man's life, John. Great story.

gerrybbadd · 21-11-2019 4:16pm

He should have just told her to take smaller sniffs John

Stevieluvsye · 21-11-2019 4:18pm

Mother in law sounds like a right thunderkunt

tgdaly · 21-11-2019 4:23pm

That's a disgrace John, she obviously can't appreciate a man at work. Bad enough he was recovering from the feed of pints and the impending doom rumbling in the crap factory, he didn't need that roasting on top of if. I'd be expecting an apology

NeinNeinNein · 21-11-2019 4:29pm

Probably imagines that hers smell of pot pourri.

Hector Savage · 21-11-2019 7:20pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Fair play UC, I think a two tone turd is a sign of principles in a man. You knew when you had enough and didn't make a "baste" of yourself before heading home.
Wouldn't it be worse if you had over "the gallon" and were squitting black black liquid all morning

Are we talking UK fluid gallons here in which case 1 gallon ~8 pints.
Or the US Gallons 1 gallon ~ 6.6 pints ... ?

Brendan Bendar · 21-11-2019 8:37pm

Well if you open your hole at the table and let one go that would ‘blow a yard dog off a chain’ this can happen.

Should have just said, “Unhm..another confident appeal from the Australians”

Bullocks · 21-11-2019 11:20pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Are we talking UK fluid gallons here in which case 1 gallon ~8 pints.
Or the US Gallons 1 gallon ~ 6.6 pints ... ?

8 pints is the gallon here in my local , what kind of flute would be drinking 6.6 pints .
A good drinker around here would have a gallon with the lads Saturday evening then head home for the mixed grill off the mother , pick up the bird and get stuck into the second gallon in town . Probably suck down a few baby guinness' or mickey finns aswell .
The mickey finns and aftershocks would leave a lad with a "gamey "deposit the next day

Hector Savage · 22-11-2019 10:22am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Met an old friend of mine today for the dinner. He was telling me that himself and the missus aren't talking since an incident last Sunday.

He was over at his mother-in-law's place for the lunch with the wife and kids. Had a feed of pints (he estimates approximately 14) the day before. And a donor kebab with taco fries in the chipper afterwards. Was as rough as a grisly bear's arse the next day, and was farting almost continuously since he woke up that morning. He was letting off low ones throughout soup and main course, and felt he was getting away with them. Anyways, they were tucking into the apple tart and ice cream when he lets an absolute ripper go - swears it caused the net curtain in the window behind him to move. Just let his guard down and out came the arse cannon.

Everyone fell silent at the table and started staring at him. To break the terrible awkward silence he quipped 'get out and walk, you lazy baxtard'.

His mother-in-law went to town on him, telling him she could smell his arse cologne throughout the entire meal, that he was reeking of stale stout, that she cried bitter tears the day he put a ring on her daughter's finger etc.

Wife crying, kids crying, massive fight in the car on the way home, and he's in the spare room since Sunday.

What was the lad supposed to do? Seems unfair to me. He turned up at the dinner, tried to keep things under control, let his guard down, and then tried to ease the tension by making a witty quip.

great story, reminds me of the joke I loved as a kid.

Guy goes to dinner at the ln laws .., he has had a feed of beans the day before and is also nervous so not in a good state.

They are having lunch and he can feel a build up, the family dog Bruce is nearby, so he chucks a bit of ham under his chair and Bruce comes over to lap it up and stays there - he then lets off a little test fart ...

paaarpppp

"Bruce!" says the mother in law!
Nice one the chap thinks, I have my scapegoat here .... dinner goes on and he tries a another slightly louder one ...

Paaarrrppppp.....

"Bruce!" again says the MIL...

This is working a charm he thinks and continues farting away, each time the MIL scolding Bruce about it ....

Eventually he is so confident he just lets one rip

PAAAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPPP

"BRUCE !!! GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!" screams the mother in law.

Hotblack Desiato · 22-11-2019 11:11am

Kenny Everett did a sketch like that, blame the dog until someone opened the door for air and the dog came in...

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 11:50am

Lads,
Today is not a good day.
I'm here in one of the traps in the work toilets, and the gasses exiting from the rear doors are something like out of the living dead.

Myself and the missus have been eating healthy this last while, and it's been really good.
Having a really busy week this week, as both of us were knackered yesterday, we decided to get a takeaway delivered.

We went for one of Pat McDonaghs finest pizzas, BBQ sauce, chips, garlic sauce, chicken gougons, cookies for after, the works

The bedroom smelt like a morgue this morning, I had a woeful nights sleep with the wind I was producing, it started off as a lot of belching, and eventually and farts started.

I'm sitting now waiting for the exit of muck to start, afraid I'll rip the arse off myself.

#PrayForMe

Sharp MZ700 · 22-11-2019 11:54am

Mightn't have been the takeaway at all Lewis! Maybe give the missus a quick ring see if she's been to the stalls yet?

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 11:57am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Mightn't have been the takeaway at all Lewis! Maybe give the missus a quick ring see if she's been to the stalls yet?

I think it definitely was, it started as soon a I finished eating, herself is fine.

Hotblack Desiato · 22-11-2019 11:57am

Give her a ring about her ring :pac:

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

The bedroom smelt like a morgue this morning, I had a woeful nights sleep with the wind I was producing, it started off as a lot of belching, and eventually and farts started.

If we could harness this energy the country would have no problem meeting its 70% renewables target.

Stevieluvsye · 22-11-2019 12:04pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Kenny Everett did a sketch like that, blame the dog until someone opened the door for air and the dog came in...

One of the greatest and off his head comedians of all time

On a sidenote, i think he and Freddie contracted AIDS off the same person.

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 12:06pm

Well, it wasn't too bad in the end, put me right off the soup and brown bread I've brought for lunch though.

JohnnyFlash · 22-11-2019 12:13pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Well, it wasn't too bad in the end, put me right off the soup and brown bread I've brought for lunch though.

I’d say it was the quantity of food you consumed,
Lewis.

I’ve been eating in Supermacs for close on 40 years now, and never got the ‘squits’ from the place. I’ve had some hazardous loads the next day, but that’s from the combination of porter, cooking oil, and fried chicken skin.

Not a good mix.

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 12:21pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d say it was the quantity of food you consumed,
Lewis.

I’ve been eating in Supermacs for close on 40 years now, and never got the ‘squits’ from the place. I’ve had some hazardous loads the next day, but that’s from the combination of porter, cooking oil, and fried chicken skin.

Not a good mix.

Could well have been the case man, I did overindulge alright, wouldnt normally eat that amount in one sitting these days.

All is well now though, the tanks are emptied.

EmmetSpiceland · 22-11-2019 12:23pm

Not “toilet” related, so apologies, but I’m not sure where else to put this.

Last night I had something happen me. I’d spent most of the evening “dozing” on the couch, had one quite vivid dream involving BBC NI presenter Jo Scott. One which may have “filled” the tank, as it were.

Anyway, at one point I’d gotten up for some reason and when I sat down I got this awful pain. It was like a lightning bolt directly into my left testicle. I know I didn’t drag myself over my “ball bag”, it felt more like it had been “spiked” like an American football.

I leapt up, much to the surprise, and concern, of my partner. I had one hand down my trousers cradling my ball and was doing that weird sort of “Indian”, feathers not dots, dance one would do after getting a dead leg. Was even doing a sort of chant “hoh-hah-hah-hah-hoh-hah-hah”.

The pain receded after about 2 minutes but, by god, it was agony. Been fine since but I’m a bit worried it might happen again. I do not want to have to do that dance in public, could get me into “trouble” these days.

It was a bizarre injury. My partner was supportive but also laughing at me. I can only really blame the dream of Jo Scott.

In this dream she was asking my opinion on the end of “partition”, every time she said the word she’d open her legs slightly. A fine woman but obviously dangerous.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? I’ll mention it to the GP at my next check up but considering the “discomfort” has passed I don’t feel like I need to go running to him just yet.

JohnnyFlash · 22-11-2019 12:28pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not “toilet” related, so apologies, but I’m not sure where else to put this.

Last night I had something happen me. I’d spent most of the evening “dozing” on the couch, had one quite vivid dream involving BBC NI presenter Jo Scott. One which may have “filled” the tank, as it were.

Anyway, at one point I’d gotten up for some reason and when I sat down I got this awful pain. It was like a lightning bolt directly into my left testicle. I know I didn’t drag myself over my “ball bag”, it felt more like it had been “spiked” like an American football.

I leapt up, much to the surprise, and concern, of my partner. I had one hand down my trousers cradling my ball and was doing that weird sort of “Indian”, feathers not dots, dance one would do after getting a dead leg. Was even doing a sort of chant “hoh-hah-hah-hah-hoh-hah-hah”.

The pain receded after about 2 minutes but, by god, it was agony. Been fine since but I’m a bit worried it might happen again. I do not want to have to do that dance in public, could get me into “trouble” these days.

It was a bizarre injury. My partner was supportive but also laughing at me. I can only really blame the dream of Jo Scott.

In this dream she was asking my opinion on the end of “partition”, every time she said the word she’d open her legs slightly. A fine woman but obviously dangerous.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? I’ll mention it to the GP at my next check up but considering the “discomfort” has passed I don’t feel like I need to go running to him just yet.

Don’t want to concern you, Emmet, but I’d say you have early stage motor neurone disease.

What's the etiquette here??

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