Ever being cheated on or done the cheating?

31-05-2015 10:33pm

Play Suspended wrote: »

The logic is straight forward, you can have sex morally with whomever you like so long as you don't break a promise or trust in doing so.

If I load a gun I know will be used to shoot someone in the foot, I play a pivotal role in that person being hurt.

There's nothing moral about enabling that kind of damage to another person.

Colser · 31-05-2015 10:39pm

UCDVet wrote: »

She didn't 'enable' me to hurt my ex. I already had that power as a result of us dating. Had we broken up before I cheated, it would have upset her just as much.

At least, in my case, my ex-gf never learned of my infidelity. So she wasn't hurt by it. We simply broke up, and that hurt her. For a short period of time, until she was able to see that she was actually happier without me.

Sure, I'll give you it would have been more honourable to break up before cheating. And really, she had as much reason to break up with me as I did with her. We just weren't as good of a fit as we should have been, and we're both happier without the other now.

The truth is, especially when you're in your first serious relationship, it's really hard to know if it's right or not. What did we have to compare it to? Lots of happily married couples complain or joke about certain aspects of being together - I didn't know what was a normal level of those things and what was a sign that we shouldn't be together. On TV, people break up when someone does something wrong (like cheating). Until I cheated, we both were just nice people who were dating. And we got along and cared for each other. Nobody really talks about dumping your gf because you like her, but ya know, just not quite enough.

In a perfect world, sure. But in a perfect world, we never would have started dating.

At the end of the day, we both ended up better off as a result of my having cheated.

Am I reading this wrong or are those two sentences contradicting each other completely?

Colser · 31-05-2015 11:14pm

Its a difficult one to call..I detest the girl my ex went off with but I blame him 100%,I genuinely believe if it wasnt her(and I dont think it was only her) it would have been someone else.She had nothing to lose and he didnt lose everything unfortunately,we are still in the same house and its a nightmare tbh.
I would have been devastated if he had ended it beforehand but I would have gotten over it but to find out during the carry on is a killer and definitely changes you completely.How anyone cheats and comes home as if nothing is going on is beyond me,I couldnt do that to anyone but I do think that the fault is with the person who is in a relationship.

DivingDuck · 31-05-2015 11:18pm

Play Suspended wrote: »

the person in the relationship is the one who breaks the promise when they cheat.

Nobody is disputing that. All that's being suggested is that it also wrong to assist someone in that wrong doing.

This is not a unique concept, or one that's unheard of in society. It's why alongside crimes like murder and theft, we have crimes like "Accessory to Murder" and "Handling Stolen Goods". Assisting someone in a crime is a crime in itself.

Cheating is not a crime, but if you do consider it to be wrong, then assisting someone to commit that wrong can be considered a wrong in itself, albeit a less powerful one.

Cold War Kid · 31-05-2015 11:20pm

Colser wrote: »

I do think that the fault is with the person who is in a relationship.

Would you not view the fault as something that could be shared though? Or even, say, 70% him, 30% her (in your situation). Even if he would have cheated with someone else if it wasn't her, it *was* her.

NotMyUsualName · 31-05-2015 11:22pm

Colser wrote: »

How anyone cheats and comes home as if nothing is going on is beyond me.

A lot easier than you might think. Both the person I was seeing and myself never felt any guilt or had any difficulty facing our partners.

Colser wrote: »

I do think that the fault is with the person who is in a relationship.

I think both parties are equally to blame

Grayson · 31-05-2015 11:28pm

KomradeBishop wrote: »

That's a selfish and cowardly line of rationalization tbh - if you are happy to betray your partners trust like that in the first place, then you shouldn't be with them, as they deserve better than you.

This isn't some 'utility maximization' economic calculation.

I once cheated on someone. I was so incredibly blind stinking drunk at the time. I felt like crap afterwards. The horrible thing is that we stayed together for another 4 months. That's because I felt so guilty about it.

The truth is that the GF at the time wasn't a nice person. I was actually very unhappy and she was the cause. Very manipulative and I should have broken up with her before this happened.

Cheating isn't always black and white. I deserved someone better than her. Because of how manipulative she was I was very messed up in the head. I got really drunk and did something stupid.

Now I'm not saying I should have cheated or that it was the right thing to do. I shouldn't and it wasn't. All I'm saying is that there's no one way to judge cheating. I will say one thing 100%. If there's cheating in a relationship the relationship is in trouble.

Colser · 31-05-2015 11:31pm

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Would you not view the fault as something that could be shared though? Or even, say, 70% him, 30% her (in your situation). Even if he would have cheated with someone else if it wasn't her, it *was* her.

No not really,I didnt know her and she didnt know me,he should have either kept away from her or left me instead before hooking up with her. I also think that if it wasnt him it would have been someone else in her case,her engagement broke up but they have both moved on no probs (no kids there) my ex isnt losing any sleep about it so Im the one thats still in bits (a year down the line) but it could be argued that that is a reflection of me as a person and not his fault (his words:rolleyes:).

NotMyUsualName · 31-05-2015 11:32pm

Grayson wrote: »

I will say one thing 100%. If there's cheating in a relationship the relationship is in trouble.

Have to disagree with you there. If anything my relationship with my partner is stronger having gone through a period of cheating

joollyparo · 31-05-2015 11:41pm

Never being cheated on, atleast to the best of my knowledge.

nidhona3 · 28-10-2015 10:54pm

Jon Stark wrote: »

Never cheated but have been cheated on. There's nothing worse than that feeling when you know something happened, but instead of being truthful, the person becomes cold and distant. Almost as if they want you to be the one that "ended" it to avoid their own guilt.

Cowardly sh1t.

And did the person own to it when you asked them? ... i'm in same position as above but any foul play being denied

B.A._Baracus · 30-10-2015 3:56am

I've seen a lot of cheating over the years and it's always the same bollocks out of people because what follows after said cheating falls under four categories. But i've never ever seen the 4th to be honest

The four are:
(1st) Someone cheats and it NEVER gets revealed to their partner (sadly the most common)
(2nd) A person cheats but reveals "half-truths" - that being they'll say they flirted & kissed but nothing more. While the reality is much much more happened.
(3rd) Now this one is a bit more complicated... It's testing the waters. That when a person who is in a relationship flirts, texts, meets up with someone behind their partners back. But nothing happens.... yet. But of course the reality is said person is lining up all their ducks in a row so it will happen.
(4th), cheating happens and all is revealed. I've never seen it.

Ever being cheated on or done the cheating?

Comments