Ever being cheated on or done the cheating?

Fat Christy wrote: »

Never cheated on anyone, never been cheated on (that I know of anyway). I couldn't do it, I'd probably die of guilt.

Ha!:mad:

Never cheated on anyone and never (that I know of) have been cheated on.
However, I have broken up with 2 different people to sleep with someone else. I broke up with my first girlfriend after being together about a year because I just wanted to have sex with a man again, things were getting a bit stale between us and we were both only young and I knew I wanted to experience more of life. I broke up with her on a Friday night and slept with a man the following night. That man and I then ended up having a casual relationship for about a year and I ended it when he started to develop feelings for me that I didn't have for him.
Then a few years later I broke up with my boyfriend at the time because he was mad to move in together and get married and all this stuff that I had no interest in. An ex got in touch through facebook and chatting to him (all innocent) brought back memories of being free so I broke up with that boyfriend and met up with the ex a few days later, it was just a one night stand and then a few months after that I met my now husband, that was 6, nearly 7, years ago, and I couldn't be happier.

Colser wrote: »

This is the bit that I dont get,is that not just having you cake and eating it? Why didnt you want your marriages to end if they werent happy ones?

Neither marriage was unhappy, the cheating resulted from both of us having a curiosity to try alternative sexual practices that we both would have discussed with our partners over the course of our marriages and that we had effectively accepted weren't going to happen within our marriages.

We saw an opportunity to satisfy each other's curiosity but there was never any question of wanting to leave our marriages or to form a long term relationship.

Wibbs wrote: »

OK B, but unless you're dealing with a virgin, they, both men and women have had sex and plenty of it with others and likely recently enough too. Even if you're the exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend you ain't nearly the first, so in the scheme of things it hardly matters. Not in the physical sense anyway.

Yeah of course but if you're the "other woman/man" you're probably his/her second slice of pie that day, that night, whatever as it were. You generally have exclusivity or at least know that your OH isn't fcuking anyone else any other hour of the day if you're in a relationship with them.

I guess it's more an attitudinal thing to sex on my part perhaps. Sport fcuking doesn't appeal to me on any level and I'd struggle to be physically intimate with more than one guy at a time.

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

How do you leave someone when there's uncertainty. All I know for sure is that there were a few in my opinion inappropriate messages. Which he has definitely been pulled up on before.
But I don't know that anything happened previous to that message and nor do I know that anything would have happened as a result of that message.

No reason was ever given. He said he wasn't unhappy and he didn't know where 'do you want me to come over?' came out of on her part.

I tried leaving. The uncertainty was driving me mad but he begged me to stay insisting nothing happened.

Honestly I think he has a low self esteem. I think he enjoys the little boosts. But honestly I think he has aged me a little. Because it seems no matter how many times I tell him something isn't appropriate in the heat of the moment he doesn't care.

He has a temper too. This has gotten better over the years too.

I have a strained relationship with the in laws because I see many of his traits in them. They completely disregard other people if it gets them what they want. His mother seems to think it's perfectly OK to big up the truth or lie to others if it makes her look better or gets her what she wants.
And on top of that his mother loved his ex and is very clear that she thinks I broke them up. His ex told his mother she thought he was cheating (who does this?) and his mother came to the conclusion that I was the other woman. Actually at one stage telling my husband and I quote 'to stop bringing hores home' they have never had a problem with his sister bringing home fellas. They have also questioned my fella about how long he thought this relationship would last.
If I pulled them up about doing something with my child they would instantly pull the how dare you tell us what to do in our house / how to spend time with our grand child card.

So in short I can see where he gets it from. But I was raised very differently. Which brings to question does your upbringing and your history affect your current relationships.

Id say yes. And all to often pasts aren't talked about.

Ah yes, there is not enough information to leave him of course - there just 'might' be enough (depending on context - which I can't fully know) to be suspicious and look for other possible warning signs.

It's worrying how much of a manipulative/controlling side his family seem to have - I would definitely place that as a trait you would find with someone who would cheat, and then lie/cover-up about it, and perhaps try to use emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty about questioning it (to be honest, I get a hint of that type of trait with the friend I talked about way earlier in the thread).

Having a child with him and all, makes that a really complicated situation - and of course, it's hard for me or anyone here to say anything definite about that, as we can't know the full context of it all - but it does seem like something you worry about, and like there 'might' (depending on context) be enough there to warrant you being suspicious, and that (given how complicated/delicate it is with the kid and all, and how it seems like there's a manipulative streak in his families side) it'd be something worth being careful/discreet about if checking out those suspicions, and in dealing with if something did come to light.

Egginacup wrote: »

People cheat for 3 reasons

1. They love their partner but like sleaze.
2. They don't love their partner but like sleaze.
3. They just like sleaze.

That made me a 1

DivingDuck wrote: »

but to do that to a stranger (or, as is often the case, a friend or loved one) is utterly baffling to me

I think not knowing the other person's partner actually made it easier for me. I had never met them nor did I know much about then so I hadn't got the emotional attachment that I would have had to a friend.

Candie wrote: »

The other person has interjected themselves into an intimate relationship and has played an instrumental part in the hurting of the cheated on partner.

It's a cop out to say they've done nothing wrong. It doesn't absolve them of guilt of being complicit in deceit and hurt.

I just don't get that logic. I suppose it's self serving as you can convince yourself your conscience is clear, but it shouldn't be. It's not as 'bad' as being the main cheater, but there's no glory in being the supporting act.

It's all in how you look at it. If two people aren't meant to be together, they aren't doing anyone any favours by staying together. If you come along and start cheating with one half of a married couple and you become the catalyst for a divorce that would have happened anyway, in a sense, you've done them a favour, haven't you?

I was dating a girl for years but we weren't a good match. I liked her and I didn't want to hurt her. We were young and we messed around one night and then we were 'dating' and we kept dating. She never did anything wrong, ya know? We got along alright, but more as friends than lovers. Still, the more time we spent dating, the more serious it seemed to be, just because that's what people do. Anyway, I thought about whether or not we should really be together or not....I was young and naive and I thought that, in a few years, I'd be ready to get married. She wanted to get married. Still, I didn't know if something was missing or not.

I met another girl. And I did cheat on my girlfriend. Once I did that, I realized there were problems with our relationship and 'waiting longer' until marriage seemed like the logical thing to do, was not the way to go. I know now that, as much as I 'liked' my girlfriend, I wouldn't have been happy married to her. I wasn't really happy dating her, but I enjoyed her as a person. Anyway, cheating was exactly what I needed to realize we weren't right for one another. We broke up, and it was very unpleasant. I genuinely regret ever hurting my ex-girlfriend - she was a far better person than I am and I wish her nothing but the best. Still, it was the right thing to do, and had I not cheated, it might have been another 5 or 10 years before we broke up (or divorced). Still, a few months later, I think she was much happier. She had fallen out with most of her family, but our breakup ended up bring them back together. It turned out that she had been picking up on my unhappiness and it was making her unhappy too. Even though she didn't want the relationship to end, after it did, she was happier.

The other girl and I got married. That was 10 years ago. I've never cheated since.

In a very real way, the other girl really did my ex-gf (and me) a huge favor, in the long run.

lazeedaisy wrote: »

do you honestly believe this after 50 years together???

It's hard to say without knowing all the details. It's also a lot more complicated once children are involved.

I'd guess, but I might be wrong, that there were other problems in the relationship that, even at ~70 years of age, he'd be sleeping around. And that his wife would leave him if everything else was great.

Candie wrote: »

Do you never cringe when you read some of your posts over?

I'm giving you wisdom gilded in gold here and that's how you reply? :mad:

DivingDuck wrote: »

No, you haven't, because it's going to make them bitter, angry, and probably suspicious of the next (probably innocent) person they try to have a relationship with. If there are children involved (which there often are), you play a part in creating the kind of resentment between two people which makes it incredibly difficult to co-parent cooperatively and maturely.

An unhappy, unhealthy, or unfulfilling relationship is, of course, best ended. But that said, it is better to end that relationship in a way that doesn't cause emotional damage to one or both parties. Very few people who have been cheated on will tell you that it didn't change their perspective in some way, or that they weren't more inclined to mistrust in the future, or that it didn't make it future interactions with their former partner harder than they might otherwise have been.

I'm not saying you should TELL THEM you cheated.

If you're unsure of whether or not to continue your relationship and ending your relationship will hurt your partner....

1.) You could be 'honourable' and break up.
100% chance of hurting your partner (causing X amount of emotional damage)

2.) You could cheat to see how you feel.
Maybe you cheat and realize it was a mistake (A% chance) and causes 0 amount of emotional damage (you stay in your relationship and it's never found out).
Maybe you cheat and decide to break up (B% chance) and causes X amount of emotional damage.
Maybe your partner finds out and is more hurt because you cheated (C% chance) and causes X+Y amount of emotional damage.

Now it's just simple probabilities to come up with the expected value. As long as you are careful the odds of getting caught approach 0% and as long as there is some chance you'll cheat and realize it's a mistake, well, approach #2 has some serious merit. It's hard to say how much worse being cheated on and dumped is, objectively speaking, compared to just being dumped. It wouldn't matter too much to me....but whichever.

If you're convinced the relationship should end, then sure, just end it. But if you honestly aren't sure....ending it prematurely isn't in your partner's best interest. Hypothetically, if a man cheats once and realizes it was a mistake and spends the next 80 years happily married - assuming his wife is happy in that marriage and the average marriage is far less happy, then statistically, she was probably much better off in that relationship, than having her man do the honourable thing, dumping her 80 years earlier before realizing it was a mistake, leaving both of them in worse marriages (or alone).