Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Mum died, Dad non composmentis

2

Comments

  • #52
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,357 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    I agree with Tork. Saw it with a friend of mine. The family, well two of them, including my friend, did their best to care for an elderly parent, at home. They were both working full time but spent nights there, in turn, and had carers come in during the day.

    Eventually the parent required more care than they could provide. They found an excellent nursing home, where the parent was really well cared for. So, as Tork said, your mother could well have reached that stage too, where she was no longer able to care for your dad, and would have had to go the nursing home route.

    There's nothing to be gained, and I know that you are well aware of that, by playing down the situation. That seems to be coming from a selfish place, on the part of your siblings. And it's not in anyone's best interest, least of all your dad's.

    Mind yourself and give yourself space to grieve.
    All the best.


  • #53
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,455 ✭✭✭Tork


    Something else I meant to say - if you give the HSE or your sisters any inkling that you can manage this on your own, they'll leave you to do this on your own. It sounds like a really awful thing to say but for your own good you're going to have to be incredibly selfish here and keep saying you can't do this and can't do that.


  • #54
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Firstly I would suggest to get a full assessment of need done, and work out a plan for care. Tell them everything -good, bad, ugly. They will work out what your father actually needs, not what your siblings think he needs.

    Then propose a family meeting. If you think it's useful, you could see if one of the professionals such as the public health nurse sits in. If your siblings try to dismiss aspects of your father's care, a PHN won't be long putting them straight, especially if you tell them that your siblings want to land it all onto you. Go into this meeting with a clear plan of what you can offer, and more importantly what you absolutely cant. Have a think about how your siblings could adjust their lives to accomodate your father's care too. Let your siblings propose you if they like - your stock answers could be "no, I've a mortgage to pay". "No, I can't give up my job" "No, moving home doesn't work for me." "here's what I can provide, if you do X, I can do Y" - don't bother to explain or justify, they'll only pick apart your explanations.



    It's often the case that the offspring who gives up their job/life to become a full time carer gets left the family home as recompense for them living off the pittance of carers allowance, not being able to progress their career/ get a mortgage or continue to pay a mortgage or pay into their pensions, so if they do bully you into becoming the full time carer, make it clear that that's what you expect, and you want it all legally tied up that way before you give up your life - you may find that the idea of forgoing their inheritance might soften their cough.;)


    Lastly, there's a carers forum on here. Many have experienced very similar situations in their own families and a read of threads in there might be helpful or useful for you.


  • #55
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    If I was in your fathers place, I'd want my family to put me in a home. Why should someone else's life be wasted being a full time carer. Some people may not see it as being wasted, but I certainly would so I'd wanna be put in a home where I can have all of my needs catered for.

    Your sibling have no interest in caring for your father, yet they don't wanna see him go into a home. There is a simple solution, they don't want him to go into a home, then they accept that they have to pull their weight when it comes to caring for him - 1 week on 2 week off for everyone (think you mentioned 2 siblings).

    Your father will acclimatise to a home and will be properly looked after. You can visit as much as you like. Think your siblings will visit much....! I'll hazard a guess and say no.

    Putting your father in a care home is not abandoning him, it's putting him in a safe environment where every need he has is catered for.

    Live your life OP, I guarantee if your father could tell you to he would.


  • #56
    Daisy78
    Registered Users Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    StereoSound wrote: »
    One of them is married ye, the other is engaged and has a kid with her fiance. You could say they assumed I was the automatic choice for this job. I have been pretty firm with them recently about my feelings towards this. I suppose they think I have less sht going on in my own life compared to theirs which is not true at all. Me and my sisters in recent years have barely contacted eachother, my mum dying has forced us back into each others lives. It's been non stop arguing for weeks over this. Jesus :(

    This attitude drives me wild, how dare they assume your life and well being can be sacrificed to provide care for your dad, just because you don’t have a spouse or children. Under no circumstances should you stay in that house on a permanent basis. Look obviously you love your dad and want the best for him but the solution to this has to be a joint effort. It is incredibly selfish of your sisters to dump this on you. My partner is going through a similar issue at the moment and it’s causing no end of stress on his part.

    To me the answer is getting a carer into the house. There are more informed people on here who can advise you about different options regarding care packages and what might be appropriate for your dad in his situation. In one sense you are lucky that money /affordability isn’t an issue here so it does give you those options. You need to discuss this this again with your sisters and make it very clear that you simply cannot afford to give up your job and become a full time carer for your dad, it’s just not sustainable. It might be worth doing some research into in home care packages before you speak to them, come to them with a solution rather than getting into another argument.


  • #57
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Pistachio19


    My siblings and I were thankfully on the same page - we'd have exaggerated my father's weaknesses in order to get him into a home. He wasn't overly thrilled but there was no way he could live alone after our mothers sudden death and there was no way any of us was going to take over his care. It took 2 months from application for fair deal scheme to getting into the nursing home. He spent 3 weeks in hospital prior to moving into the home, as we hounded his gp to refer him in after a fall. If any of my siblings had been against a nursing home then I'd gladly have washed my hands of the situation and left them to deal with it all. Your sisters are being complete selfish b*tches expecting that you will give up your life to be a full time carer. How dare they expect you to minimise your father's health issues. As suggested compile a list of all the things that have happened, every outburst you recall and every time he's gone awol. From our experience you will get sod all with a homecare package - we had someone come in fornhalf hour twice a day which was sod all use. Unless your sisters agree wholeheartedly to a rota whereby all of you share the load (with you not living there) then there is no other option but to find a nursing home place. Otherwise you will be left on your own while they give every pathetic excuse as to why they can't help out.


  • #58
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    Daisy78 wrote: »
    This attitude drives me wild, how dare they assume your life and well being can be sacrificed to provide care for your dad, just because you don’t have a spouse or children. Under no circumstances should you stay in that house on a permanent basis. Look obviously you love your dad and want the best for him but the solution to this has to be a joint effort. It is incredibly selfish of your sisters to dump this on you. My partner is going through a similar issue at the moment and it’s causing no end of stress on his part.

    To me the answer is getting a carer into the house. There are more informed people on here who can advise you about different options regarding care packages and what might be appropriate for your dad in his situation. In one sense you are lucky that money /affordability isn’t an issue here so it does give you those options. You need to discuss this this again with your sisters and make it very clear that you simply cannot afford to give up your job and become a full time carer for your dad, it’s just not sustainable. It might be worth doing some research into in home care packages before you speak to them, come to them with a solution rather than getting into another argument.


    One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



    I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...


  • #59
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,408 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    StereoSound wrote: »
    One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



    I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...

    Carer's is €214 a week - even worse then you thought! I'm glad you've got a clear idea of what direction you are going in. Do not let yourself be swayed by promises of a rota. I fell for that bollix and it was all lies. Judging from what you've told us about your sisters they wouldn't be long finding reasons to avoid their turn. I've been told to make sure I've got extra food in for when my siblings deign to call and what tea-bags sister in law prefers when she visits! You're getting a real insight in who your sisters are. Be proud of yourself for being there for your Dad while a solution to his care is being found. You ARE putting his needs first and are obviously a very decent, caring son.


  • #60
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,985 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    StereoSound wrote: »
    One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



    I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...

    I guarantee that sister will be the first inline for inheritance. I don't even know her and I want to give her a slap.

    I wouldn't be giving up anything. Your dad is 80 and I've seen people with the best will in the world last a few months before it becomes way too much (parents leaving the house naked, leaving gas on etc)

    There's an absolute massive difference in looking after a frail parent and looking after a physically strong parent with diminished mental awareness.

    The last hospital stint my dad had the Dr's advised he couldn't look after himself.... None of us were able to look after him, he's in a home now, looking better than he was. He has his good and bad days, before covid he would have a stream of visitors, grandchildren etc.

    As others have said there's no guarantee that your mum would have been able to look after him to the end. My aunt is a trained nurse and looked after her husband, but in the end she had to put him in a hospice as it got to a point that was beyond even her skillset.

    Look after yourself, you shouldn't have all this extra stress.

    If I were you now, I'd be saying that you are heading home for a few days and one of the sisters will need to stay.


  • Advertisement
  • #61
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    You are 100% right that this is not your burden to deal with. Your sisters are being selfish and completely out of order under the circumstances.

    Most parents want the best for their children and most would not want to their children sacrifice their own life to provide for them no matter what the circumstances.

    There's a horrible attitude among many in society that those who are single and don't have children should carry more than others....It's very obvious in a lot of workplaces at the moment too.

    This is a decision that must be made with the agreement of all 3 of you. None of you are in a position to care for your father so you have to agree on some alternative whether it's homehelp or a nursing home. Don't let your sisters guilt you in to anything due to their selfishness.

    A nursing home often is the best place forsomeone with dependencies. Look at HIQA reports online some standards are better than others, be satisfied you are putting him in one of the better run homes...that's all you can do and take comfort in the fact they can provide specialised care in excess of what his family can.

    Don't feel guilty about this or be railroaded into anything else, especially by people who only have their own interests at heart.


  • #62
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 648 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    I've said it before but after you're last post your sisters are just trying to keep the inheritance away from the HSE

    You'll lose your own house, wage and job, yet when your dad died you'll be told rent a room somewhere as they "want their share" of the home house

    Your sister freeloading off her partner and the eejit paying everything for her is vomit inducing

    If they offered to draw up a contact now and get the home house signed into your name and offered to pay you even €50 each a week it would be something


  • #63
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,408 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »
    I've said it before but after you're last post your sisters are just trying to keep the inheritance away from the HSE

    You'll lose your own house, wage and job, yet when your dad died you'll be told rent a room somewhere as they "want their share" of the home house

    I know someone this happened to! Yeah, your sisters couldn't be more blatant if they tried. All the more reason, OP, to take the time to remind yourself what a truly, honest decent person you are. Your Mum would be very proud of everything you are doing and trying to do to make sure your Dad is well cared for. You've nothing to feel guilty about. Be proud of yourself here.


  • #64
    august12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭august12


    Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »
    I've said it before but after you're last post your sisters are just trying to keep the inheritance away from the HSE

    You'll lose your own house, wage and job, yet when your dad died you'll be told rent a room somewhere as they "want their share" of the home house

    Your sister freeloading off her partner and the eejit paying everything for her is vomit inducing

    If they offered to draw up a contact now and get the home house signed into your name and offered to pay you even €50 each a week it would be something

    House will be assessed as part of the HSE fair deal and could cause a huge financial burden for the OP, not sure I would go this route. Full time care seems to be the best option for both the OP and dad.


  • #65
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 648 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    august12 wrote: »
    House will be assessed as part of the HSE fair deal and could cause a huge financial burden for the OP, not sure I would go this route. Full time care seems to be the best option for both the OP and dad.

    No, what I'm saying is if the sisters had said to the OP from day one "if you are willing give up work and care for dad in the home till he dies we want you to have the home house and we'll each give you X amount per week cash to top you up on carers"

    Then it would have been something approaching a reasonable offer of asking the OP to be a carer but what they are at is piss taking and I believe only trying to keep him out of a home to save the HSE taking X amount of the house value from inheritance

    I don't rec the OP become a carer.


  • #66
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Even if the sister sign a waiver saying that they would disclaim their share of inheritance, so that the OP would be entitled to the whole house, bear in mind that the OP might not get the whole house in the end. Lets say, the OP did the caring for 2 years, but after that Dad needed nursing home care, and had to be admitted to a nursing home, then his asset, the house, will have a charge against it. Meaning that whenever it is sold the OP would not actually get all of the house, because all of Dads debts, (eg funeral costs) will have to be paid out of his estate, which is his house.

    I know thats not the way the OP is thinking, but I am pointing it out just in case it was a thought.


  • Advertisement
  • #67
    Electric
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 541 ✭✭✭Electric


    December2012 wrote: »
    Even if the sister sign a waiver saying that they would disclaim their share of inheritance, so that the OP would be entitled to the whole house, bear in mind that the OP might not get the whole house in the end. Lets say, the OP did the caring for 2 years, but after that Dad needed nursing home care, and had to be admitted to a nursing home, then his asset, the house, will have a charge against it. Meaning that whenever it is sold the OP would not actually get all of the house, because all of Dads debts, (eg funeral costs) will have to be paid out of his estate, which is his house.

    I know thats not the way the OP is thinking, but I am pointing it out just in case it was a thought.

    Just on this, if your Dad moves into a nursing home as part of the Fair Deal scheme it is not necessarily the case that the family home would have to be sold in order to pay for his care.

    Your principal residence is included as part of the financial assessment for a maximum of 3 years (22.5%) of the value of the property.

    The Irish Times had a article a while back about someone who sold their home before going into a nursing home as part of the Fair Deal and the outcome was that the entire proceeds were up for grabs, whereas if it hadn't been sold the maximum amount to be paid would have been the 22.5%.

    OP, I'd suggest calling Citizens Information, they offer advice on all aspects of the social welfare system.

    https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/health_services/health_services_for_older_people/nursing_homes_support_scheme_1.html


  • #68
    sunshinew
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭sunshinew


    From one of your responses it sounds like you are offering to stay living with your father but you don't want to quit your job, you want a carer to look after him during the day...
    You're still making a huge sacrifice with this option too. You'll be coming home from work and straight into caring duties, every evening, every wkd, while holding down a job. Just something to keep in mind as your sisters sound so awful with their plans right now. Your sister telling you to be careful with your money!!! It's not just the loss of income, it's your time and mental well being. You indicated you would like a relationship and a family of your own some day. You're at the prime age for that to happen over the next few years. Sacrifices like these are more than just monetary.
    I'd definitely recommend you see a counsellor, even if you think you are coping. It's great to just spend an hour talking things through and getting your thoughts straight in your head in preparation for any difficult conversations with your sisters.


  • #69
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »
    I've said it before but after you're last post your sisters are just trying to keep the inheritance away from the HSE

    You'll lose your own house, wage and job, yet when your dad died you'll be told rent a room somewhere as they "want their share" of the home house

    Your sister freeloading off her partner and the eejit paying everything for her is vomit inducing

    If they offered to draw up a contact now and get the home house signed into your name and offered to pay you even €50 each a week it would be something

    No they want their share of the house. They offered to pay 25% of the family home bills... What a joke... They were screaming at me today that they cannot get time off their jobs because they have their own expenses, and one of my sister's is planning on buying a house and she insists she has to work 5 days a week to qualify for her mortgage. .....But it's ok for her if I loose mine.... The past month I have had 4 days to myself out of 30. I have been dragging around my 80 year old father in the car with me everywhere I go. After all of this is settled or forced for another word, I have a feeling me and my sister's are going to have a long term falling out.


  • #70
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,455 ✭✭✭Tork


    Whether you give up everything to become a full time carer or stick to your guns, you're going to end up with the same result. A long term falling out is inevitable and your sisters aren't going to share the burden of caring with you. You might as well take the route that suits you best.


  • #71
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’m not meaning to be mean OP, but it was pretty clear from the start that the only viable option is a nursing home for your father. The more you post, my god it is absolutely the only way forward.

    You can try working and caring for your Dad in the evenings and weekends, but you’re going to burn out very quickly. I think you know by now that your siblings are going to be next to no help with that. Do you really think they’ll take on overnights or weekends?

    Another point of consideration is that your Dad is (I’m sorry) violent and prone to wander. Will a HSE or private carer deal with that? As in will either put up with it, or charge a lot more (which I think would be justified). I’m not being patronising when I say that I’m not sure that you genuinely know how much of the day-to-day difficulties were kept from you by your mother.

    I 100% believe that your father needs specialist care, and that you’re not equipped to give that, and that you shouldn’t ruin your life to be his carer. I apologise if that sounds terrible, but I’ve seen the effect on my best friend. She is, as I said in an earlier post, completely broken - and she did all of the caring role, and had next to no social life for most of 17 years. And then the siblings who ‘visited’ kicked up blue murder at her being left a very modest house in vast need of repair.

    My friend ended up paying an agency out of her own money to get a carer in for about 10 hours a week. Just to allow her time to do practical things - like you, she had no option other than to bring her father everywhere with her before that, and it confused and upset him. I’m reasonably sure that cost her around €25 an hour. And her siblings contributed zero to that.


  • Advertisement
  • #72
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I should have mentioned cost of a home care team in my first post. Let’s say the cost is 25 per hour.

    If you had one Carer from 7am till 7pm (12 hours) that’s 2100 euro a week. That’s a whopping 109,200 euro a year. If you go for 24 hours care that’s 218,400 euro for a year.

    A nursing home under the fair deal scheme will never be anywhere near that figure and could probably be paid from the cash your mum has left rather than putting a lien on the house. I know you said your mum left a substantial figure but based on the above, is it really enough to sustain a home care team?

    You can contact fair deal and they should happily explain the system and costs to you.


  • #73
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Pistachio19


    I think it's time you took your dad on a visit to one of your sisters houses and once he's sitting down, leg it. Have your stuff packed in the boot of your car and go back to your own place. Or get them to visit your dads house and then go. Your sisters are horrible. They need a dose of reality so leaving him in their care might soon make them realise that it's not acceptable to expect any one of you to give up your lives to stay with your dad. He needs to be looked after 24/7 and none of you can do that. While a nursing home isn't on anyone's wish list for when they get old, the main thing is your dad will be safe (no chance to wander off), fed, warm and looked after by people who are trained to do so. Start gathering the info required by fair deal now and get the ball rolling. As for falling out with your sisters - sounds like you'll be better off without the selfish cows in your life.


  • #74
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,055 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    StereoSound wrote: »
    No they want their share of the house. They offered to pay 25% of the family home bills... What a joke... They were screaming at me today that they cannot get time off their jobs because they have their own expenses, and one of my sister's is planning on buying a house and she insists she has to work 5 days a week to qualify for her mortgage. .....But it's ok for her if I loose mine.... The past month I have had 4 days to myself out of 30. I have been dragging around my 80 year old father in the car with me everywhere I go. After all of this is settled or forced for another word, I have a feeling me and my sister's are going to have a long term falling out.

    I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time. I hope you have some emotional support for yourself.

    While things are getting sorted, can you ask for some reasonable time off? Will they look after dad for a weekend/day/overnight? Their behaviour now is a glimpse of the future isn’t it? You’d be left as a 24/7 carer for 200e a week, and homeless at the end of it. I think you should tell them you need a break now, and they will have to step in for at least one day every week. I can’t remember if you said, up but how are you managing work at present?

    25% Of the household bills? That’s just downright insulting.

    Because your dad is not able to make decisions, and there is no family unity in planning his future, I think he can be made a ward of Court (or something like that). That takes the decision out of your hands. Speak to a solicitor about the options because you are dealing with unreasonable people who will not work on a reasonable compromise.


  • #75
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    Have a feeling that I may have to take drastic action here and give my sisters a date I am going to move out of the family home and back into my own so they will have no choice but to get themselves back down to the house. Is this too drastic ? What if I left and they didn't bother to even show up at the house afterwards ? Can't leave my Dad there on his own. This is probably a bad idea.


  • #76
    august12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭august12


    StereoSound wrote: »
    Have a feeling that I may have to take drastic action here and give my sisters a date I am going to move out of the family home and back into my own so they will have no choice but to get themselves back down to the house. Is this too drastic ? What if I left and they didn't bother to even show up at the house afterwards ? Can't leave my Dad there on his own. This is probably a bad idea.
    How far away do they live from your dad's place??
    This must be so stressful, it's stressful even when all siblings are on the same page,


  • #77
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,985 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    StereoSound wrote: »
    Have a feeling that I may have to take drastic action here and give my sisters a date I am going to move out of the family home and back into my own so they will have no choice but to get themselves back down to the house. Is this too drastic ? What if I left and they didn't bother to even show up at the house afterwards ? Can't leave my Dad there on his own. This is probably a bad idea.

    To be honest I think this is something you have to do. They've shown their true colours and I think at this stage your relationship with them is pretty much gone, they have shown you absolutely no respect.

    Though what I would do is have my stuff in the boot of my car, when one of them "does their duty" and pops in for 3 minutes I'd say I'm off to the shops.... Your sister is there with your dad and you have escaped.

    Edited to add... I also think you should book a gp appointment, go through it with them, really emphasis that you are overwhelmed, anxious stressed etc. And you just can't be a full time carer...... (there's not many people that can manage it, fair play to them that can, but I know I wouldn't last a week)

    I really do feel that a home is the fairest option for this.


  • #78
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    StereoSound wrote: »
    Have a feeling that I may have to take drastic action here and give my sisters a date I am going to move out of the family home and back into my own so they will have no choice but to get themselves back down to the house. Is this too drastic ? What if I left and they didn't bother to even show up at the house afterwards ? Can't leave my Dad there on his own. This is probably a bad idea.


    I'd probalby invent a plumbing job in your own house that needs doing - you need to return to be there when the repair gets done, can they come over for the day. Then later that day tell them that you are taking a break and that they will have to cover. When they howl that they cant disrupt their lives etc "don't be ridiculous, you've demanded that off me for months, you can manage a few days" and turn your phone off. If not for the pandemic, I'd book a week in Spain altogether.



    But that is the nuclear option. And could irreparably damage your relationships with those sisters though. If you don't want to do that, or want to go for a less explosive option, what about family mediation. You all sitting around a table with a mediator might help you get heard and some sort of discussion going?


  • #79
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,572 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Neyite wrote: »
    I'd probalby invent a plumbing job in your own house that needs doing - you need to return to be there when the repair gets done, can they come over for the day. Then later that day tell them that you are taking a break and that they will have to cover. When they howl that they cant disrupt their lives etc "don't be ridiculous, you've demanded that off me for months, you can manage a few days" and turn your phone off. If not for the pandemic, I'd book a week in Spain altogether.



    But that is the nuclear option. And could irreparably damage your relationships with those sisters though. If you don't want to do that, or want to go for a less explosive option, what about family mediation. You all sitting around a table with a mediator might help you get heard and some sort of discussion going?

    I dunno, I think regardless, this is going to end in a falling out unless he rolls over and does what they want. I wouldn't be afraid to go for the nuclear option on account of that.


  • #80
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,985 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    JeffKenna wrote: »
    I dunno, I think regardless, this is going to end in a falling out unless he rolls over and does what they want. I wouldn't be afraid to go for the nuclear option on account of that.

    Yeah I agree with this. They have shown that they are extremely selfish.

    They will not voluntarily take on the care themselves, so there will be "kicking and screaming".

    It's obvious that they want to wash their hands of the situation and as soon as the op objects he will be the worst in the world.

    I do think the options are make a stand or be a doormat.


  • #81
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    JeffKenna wrote: »
    I dunno, I think regardless, this is going to end in a falling out unless he rolls over and does what they want. I wouldn't be afraid to go for the nuclear option on account of that.


    True, it's certainly heading that way, but the OP may want to have a final attempt at being amicable. Down the line, it means hurt feelings at being left out of nieces/nephews milestone events, not being invited to siblings for Christmas etc, maybe not being told if one of the wider family are seriously ill. That sort of thing. It's a big step so if there's other ways to resolve this that can be tried before that point, it's worth exploring.


  • Advertisement
  • #82
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    When is the meeting to discuss your Dad’s health OP?


  • #83
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Pistachio19


    I honestly do not think they will co-operate if you tell them you are going home. By giving them notice you are giving them time to guilt you into staying and they won't show up. I'd tell them you need an hour or so on Saturday to visit your house, collect post, open windows to air your house etc. Have your stuff in your car and when they arrive just go, and then you can tell them you won't be coming back as you drive off. They might go ape **** but that's not your problem. After a couple of days you can let them know you are willing to discuss your father's care at a neutral location but you will not be bullied into anything - no moving out of your own house, no leaving your job, etc. At this point I wouldn't even consider doing a rota as no doubt they'll just disappear and leave you to it again. Either use your dads money to pay for carers (extremely expensive) or find a nursing home place - let them decide which option they wish to pursue.


  • #84
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Op

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation and condolences on your mums sudden death.
    I went through a similar experience and can relate to what you are going through. My mum died suddenly and we were left to deal with dad who was not in full mental health.
    We all had different ideas of what care dad needed and what we were each prepared to do. It was a very stressful time and we all fell out with each other. On top of that trying to hold down a full time job, live our lives and care for our father was extremely stressful.

    I think the only option is to put your dad into a home. No matter what agreement you might eventually come to with your siblings to share the workload and care for him at home, how can you be sure that they won't go back on their word and you will be left with it all anyway, as they know you have a conscience and genuinely care what happens to him. Do your homework and find a nice home where he will be well cared for. In the end my dad had to go into a home and he was much better off there. He was looked after 24/7 by nice staff, was well fed and engaged in activities and had companionship during the day. It will be daunting to stand up to your siblings and get it sorted but it is in his best interest. Do not be bullied by them and definitely tell the public health nurse everything, don't try to sugar coat how your father is. Do not say to the nurse that you can look after him in any way at all, as they will leave you to it.

    Best of luck with it all, and please take time to look after yourself and your grieving process for your mum too.


  • #85
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    visitorssss wrote: »
    Hi Op

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation and condolences on your mums sudden death.
    I went through a similar experience and can relate to what you are going through. My mum died suddenly and we were left to deal with dad who was not in full mental health.
    We all had different ideas of what care dad needed and what we were each prepared to do. It was a very stressful time and we all fell out with each other. On top of that trying to hold down a full time job, live our lives and care for our father was extremely stressful.

    I think the only option is to put your dad into a home. No matter what agreement you might eventually come to with your siblings to share the workload and care for him at home, how can you be sure that they won't go back on their word and you will be left with it all anyway, as they know you have a conscience and genuinely care what happens to him. Do your homework and find a nice home where he will be well cared for. In the end my dad had to go into a home and he was much better off there. He was looked after 24/7 by nice staff, was well fed and engaged in activities and had companionship during the day. It will be daunting to stand up to your siblings and get it sorted but it is in his best interest. Do not be bullied by them and definitely tell the public health nurse everything, don't try to sugar coat how your father is. Do not say to the nurse that you can look after him in any way at all, as they will leave you to it.

    Best of luck with it all, and please take time to look after yourself and your grieving process for your mum too.


    Years ago when Dad first got sick in 2010 we did try him in a day care center to give my mum a break for 2 days a week. He ran out of the place screaming, he doesn't really see himself as an 80 year old man. I don't think he is aware of how old he is. If you sat him somewhere with a bunch old elderly people he would be very expressive about how he would feel about it. He does cry sometimes when we try to get him to do stuff which is sad to see. Even before Mam died he did this. He acts like some things is a major chore when they are really not.



    I guess trying to take an 80 year old man out of the comfort of his own home will never be easy. He has been there since 1976 when he bought the house. He was a medical professional himself before retiring in 2009. A few months later he got ill unfortunately which is unfair, lovely retirement..... I remember my mother having to do so much adjustment for him when he got sick, she retired from work herself so she could look after him. All the research for help for Dad we did together back in those days. He had a speech therapist that came to the house which he literally kicked out of the house, next time she arrived he runs upstairs and locks himself in the bedroom so that was the end of that. He refused all help when it was offered to him when he first got sick. We had issues getting him to doctors appointments as he wouldn't go. Me and mam back in those days had to literally drag him up screaming and roaring so the doctor could assess his progress. His Doctor wouldn't prescribe him any medication unless he saw him so you can imagine the fun we had with that.



    If we were to put Dad into a nursing home, he would probably feel he is on his way to prison, the stress might trigger something in him. Home care is option one I am pushing for. Failing this then what choice would we have but to put him into nursing home care.


    I will tell you what makes me feel so sorry... Back in 2016 I remember sitting with Mam and she was really upset. Dad was extremely difficult kicking and throwing things around the house. She said to me "What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life, I cannot keep doing this until the day I die". It's so sad for me to think that this is exactly what happened... Breaks my fckn heart everytime.. I love you Mam and so sorry for your stress the last years of your life, I wish I could have done more but it's too late now :(


  • #86
    scarepanda
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,456 ✭✭✭scarepanda


    Your last line in that post is a hard one to read. It also made me ask, if you want to be your mam in 10 years time? Do you want to be in that position of looking after your dad and in the process giving up your while life and then having to rebuild when he has passed? You can be dam sure your sisters won't be of any help whatsoever, no matter what tales they spin you.

    Also, in home care, via the HSE/Wheelchair association etc will only give your dad a number of slots a day, he would be lucky to get 2 half hour slots. How would you manage the rest of the day when your at work? You might get hours from more than one source, but I suspect numerous people coming and going all day wouldn't be something beneficial to your Dad. Your other in home care option is to hire a carer, from what I know most are from the Philippines and its very hit and miss as to how good or bad they are.

    You might be surprised about how your dad settles in a care home at this stage, it is different than going on respite. Someone I know, who's mother was wandering day and night, climbing out windows, confused etc had to be put into a home and to everyones surprised has settled very very well. She's actually happier in there than she was for years before hand.


  • #87
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    It’s heartbreaking, stereo :(

    Does your dad have medication to calm him down?


  • #88
    blackbox
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭blackbox


    It sounds to me like the sisters have an eye on the inheritance and don't want it spent on caring for your father.


  • #89
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,455 ✭✭✭Tork


    That last line is hard to read but you can't change the past. Even if you'd understood better what your mum was going through, the end result was probably going to be the same. You'd have helped out more, I'm sure, but your mum would still have carried most of the caring duties. One thing I've noticed is that you're talking a lot about things that happened a few years ago. 2016, 2010 etc. Your father's condition will have deteriorated in the meantime, right? Does he have a GP who sees him from time to time and is he on any medication to calm him down? I wouldn't rule out the nursing home option, based on what your father did 10 years ago. He isn't the same person now. That is why it is important that he be assessed by somebody who isn't emotionally involved in your situation.


  • #90
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I understand you would find it difficult if your dad went into a home and it's not something that he wants. My father was the same and it broke my heart at first that he had to go into the home, but believe me it was the best solution. I wont deny it wasn't hard at the start for everybody but he settled into it and it was the best place for him to be.

    Day care will only partly help the situation and if you require somebody there all day, will be very costly. Sometimes you have to take a hard decision in someones best interest even if it doesn't seem very palatable unfortunately. Please at least review the option of the care home with the public health nurse before writing off the idea.


  • Advertisement
  • #91
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, that is so sad. I'm very sorry for your loss, and also for the difficulties you're having at such a sad time. It's very distressing for all of you, and I can see that your sisters want to honour your mother's wishes, but I'm wondering have they actually witnessed the difficulties involved in your father's care? If they have, I can't understand how or why they are being so utterly unreasonable. To me they sound like selfish wagons.

    As others have suggested, I would also recommend looking into a nursing home.
    Nursing homes offer security, and have staff 24/7 that can support each other if a resident is being difficult.

    I've been witness to two families with loved ones needing full time professional care. There were a few people that never had any involvement in caring for the loved ones, but they shouted the loudest when the family members that provided all the care wanted to put them into a home. Both started off with care at home, between family members and care staff coming to the house, sadly it wasn't enough.

    It's hard going through all this, and to have your siblings fighting against you.
    Do you have support OP? Is there an aunt or uncle or other relatives that know what's going on that you could talk to?
    Would it be possible for them to try and reason with your siblings? Get them to calm down and see that they should be showing support, instead of dictating to you?

    My heart goes out to you, you are long due a break so that you can rest and grieve. As others have mentioned, you'll end up completely burnt out.
    A few years ago, I lost a close relative. Within months after their sudden death, two of us under the age of 35 with no prior medical conditions, ended up quite ill in hospital. It was brought on from the shock and grief, and we didn't have the added stress of caring for someone full time. Please mind yourself, OP. You need to take care of yourself too.


  • #92
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Pistachio19


    StereoSound I could have written your last line. Our mum died looking after our dad. There was an age gap. We all assumed he'd go first. She was slowly dying from an undiagnosed lung disease. He was out driving, doing his own thing while she was keeping house and then cleaning up after him. We didn't realise the level of care he needed until after she was gone. I feel bad that our mother had to shoulder the burden alone. But do you know what? I don't feel bad for him going into a nursing home where he was safe. He'd had falls from tia's so he couldn't stay at home alone. And I don't feel bad in saying that none of us would have moved home, or would have moved him in with us. So while I understand your sisters not wanting to take on his care, it does not give them any rights whatsoever to guilt you into doing it. It's either shared 33% or he needs alternative care. And as they have made it clear they won't do the care, then it just leaves you with full time home care or the nursing home option. Ideally you would get carers in but it sounds like it would have to be 24/7 and that is very costly. We priced it for MIL a few years back.

    Your mother, like mine, could have asked for help. She could have had carers come in, maybe paid for it, but I'd say like mine she wouldn't have wanted 'strangers in the house'. At the end of the day our mothers did it out of duty. You don't have to. There are options out there so start your research on the fair deal scheme now, see what information you need for the application, get your father's financial documents together and tell your sisters that it's either expensive full time home care, or a nursing home where the costs won't be as high.


  • #93
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    Pistachio19 wrote: »
    StereoSound I could have written your last line. Our mum died looking after our dad. There was an age gap. We all assumed he'd go first. She was slowly dying from an undiagnosed lung disease. He was out driving, doing his own thing while she was keeping house and then cleaning up after him. We didn't realise the level of care he needed until after she was gone. I feel bad that our mother had to shoulder the burden alone. But do you know what? I don't feel bad for him going into a nursing home where he was safe. He'd had falls from tia's so he couldn't stay at home alone. And I don't feel bad in saying that none of us would have moved home, or would have moved him in with us. So while I understand your sisters not wanting to take on his care, it does not give them any rights whatsoever to guilt you into doing it. It's either shared 33% or he needs alternative care. And as they have made it clear they won't do the care, then it just leaves you with full time home care or the nursing home option. Ideally you would get carers in but it sounds like it would have to be 24/7 and that is very costly. We priced it for MIL a few years back.

    Your mother, like mine, could have asked for help. She could have had carers come in, maybe paid for it, but I'd say like mine she wouldn't have wanted 'strangers in the house'. At the end of the day our mothers did it out of duty. You don't have to. There are options out there so start your research on the fair deal scheme now, see what information you need for the application, get your father's financial documents together and tell your sisters that it's either expensive full time home care, or a nursing home where the costs won't be as high.


    You could say my Mam did it out of duty yes. I guess she felt it was her responsibility. I was in and out of the house a lot during this time. Sometimes I would stay over, go do some shopping in Tesco, bring Mam to her own doctor if she needed to go. I gave her money every week to. During more awkward times I stayed in the house more frequently to support my mother. We did have a cleaner from the HSE who would come out for 1 hr on Monday and 1 hour on Friday, it was a home help scheme. My mam became good friends with that lady actually and she was devastated when Mam passed. She has been coming to the house for almost 10 years and never had a bad word to say to each other.


    I was doing abit of research on 9 - 5 daytime home care today and it's going to cost well over 1,500 a week. It's mad money. It wont be long before the money she left dad and her life insurance payout runs out with those fees. They will ring us dry and when the money is all gone a state run nursing home will be the only option where they will look after him and take his full 245 odd per week pension until he dies. Not the most glowing outlook for him when it comes to that.


  • #94
    Trending
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭Trending


    OP

    Unfortunately no matter what you pay day care isn’t going to cut it here.

    It’s clear that your sisters are playing on the fact that you are kind natured and have a dose of the guilts to boot !!! They know that’s a combination where they can bully you into doing what suits
    Get your head around the fact that you have NOTHING to feel guilty for !
    You weren’t responsible for your mother’s life and what happened either - seems you helped her and was there for her too.
    You didn’t cause your dads illness after he retired.

    Get a grip now ! You have your own life to lead. Your sisters have a handle on that fact for themselves.

    Stand up to them.
    Your father is their dad in exactly the same measure as he is yours.

    Ageing is a blessing but can also be sad And very difficult if there is extreme health complications.

    Inform your sisters that until ye come up with a plan between ye about your dads long term care that a rota is GOING to have to be set up in the interm.

    You will be returning to your job and your house and you will share the rota until such time as your dads plan is sorted. End of - thats it.

    Your GP and public heath should offer advise on how to go about nursing home care placement. Again your sisters need to be involved in helping organise this don’t let them leave it all up to you.

    It’s 💯 clear that this is the only option for your dad. Btw don’t know why your thinking your sending him to the gallows - nursing home care is fantastic if you get a good one.
    He isn’t capable of looking after himself.

    Best of luck !


  • #95
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,144 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Trending wrote: »
    OP

    It’s �� clear that this is the only option for your dad. Btw don’t know why your thinking your sending him to the gallows - nursing home care is fantastic if you get a good one.
    He isn’t capable of looking after himself.

    Best of luck !

    This OP. Don't believe everything you read about nursing homes. Residents aren't drugged up to the eyeballs and lying in bed or sitting in chairs all day.

    Just yesterday a group of ours were doing the men's sheds, another group were playing bingo, a few others were wandering around chatting to staff. There will be a sing song at some point and the activity staff take requests and play their requests over spotify! And that's every day. There are a few bedridden but that is to be expected with the nature of their diagnosis.

    Your Dad cannot be left to look after himself and you cannot be expected to shoulder the burden. Its time for a serious discussion. Best of luck


  • #96
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    We all sat down earlier and I gave them the third degree about me doing all the care. One of my sisters is now contributing to 2 week days 9am to 6pm care. She has to go home to her kids afterwards. She admitted I was been taken advantage off. My other sister started crying her eyes out saying she cannot take time off work. She said the best she can do is take care of Dad on a saturday from 9am - 6pm. She wants to clear it with her work if she can take a week day off so she has 2 days care of Dad like my other sister. She says it's more then likely impossible and she may lose her job ? To be honest I don't think she is even going to bother asking her job, she is just too protective of her own time and lifestyle, she will fob me off. She attacked me claiming she has lots of other sh!t going on in her life and that it was unfair of me to force her into a corner to care for Dad ? Her external personal issues outside of this situation don't excuse her from caring for her Dad. I told her if she cannot give equal care for Dad because of her job then she has to pay a carer from her own pocket to cover her absence. She furiously refused and says she cannot afford this. I told her I was going to move out of the house so she will be forced to care for her Dad equally and she responded by saying put him into a nursing home then! So the complications continue...


  • Advertisement
  • #97
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    As an employee, you are entitled to take carers leave. It’s unpaid but your job has to be kept open for you. Just like maternity leave.
    How long is carer’s leave?
    You can apply to take carer’s leave in one continuous period of up to 104 weeks or for a number of shorter periods that add up to a maximum of 104 weeks. If you do not take carer’s leave in one continuous period, there must be a gap of at least 6 weeks between each period of carer’s leave. You must give your employer at least 6 weeks’ notice that you plan to take carer’s leave – see ‘How to apply’ below.

    The minimum period of carer’s leave you can take is 13 weeks. If you apply for a period of less than 13 weeks, your employer can refuse (if they have good reason). If your employer refuses this leave, they must explain why in writing.

    However, you and your employer may agree arrangements for carer’s leave which suit you better.

    https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/employment_rights_and_conditions/leave_and_holidays/carers_leave_from_employment.html#l1e81f


  • #98
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Pistachio19


    StereoSound wrote: »
    We all sat down earlier and I gave them the third degree about me doing all the care. One of my sisters is now contributing to 2 week days 9am to 6pm care. She has to go home to her kids afterwards. She admitted I was been taken advantage off. My other sister started crying her eyes out saying she cannot take time off work. She said the best she can do is take care of Dad on a saturday from 9am - 6pm. She wants to clear it with her work if she can take a week day off so she has 2 days care of Dad like my other sister. She says it's more then likely impossible and she may lose her job ? To be honest I don't think she is even going to bother asking her job, she is just too protective of her own time and lifestyle, she will fob me off. She attacked me claiming she has lots of other sh!t going on in her life and that it was unfair of me to force her into a corner to care for Dad ? Her external personal issues outside of this situation don't excuse her from caring for her Dad. I told her if she cannot give equal care for Dad because of her job then she has to pay a carer from her own pocket to cover her absence. She furiously refused and says she cannot afford this. I told her I was going to move out of the house so she will be forced to care for her Dad equally and she responded by saying put him into a nursing home then! So the complications continue...

    Well there you have it. She's agreed to a nursing home, you know it's the only viable option so it's just the other one who needs to be convinced. And why on earth are they only doing 9-6 care. Do they still expect you will stay and do the rest every evening/night of the week? That is not an acceptable compromise at all.


  • #99
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I just wanted to add this point. I am married. I decided when I married my husband, that I would take care of him "in sickness and in health". I made no such deal with my parents. Therefore, the promise or intentions of a spouse is very different to those of a child. And at the same time, if my husband ever needs nursing home care, I will put him in one. My parent is presently in one, and is thriving.

    The responsibility for a child to a parent is different than that of a spouse to each other.

    It really looks like nursing home will be the only suitable way to keep your father safe and healthy.

    Best wishes OP


  • #100
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    If you all came to an agreement, you could take turns with leave from work and subsidise the reduction in wages by using your mums money.

    A rota with someone taking over in the evenings and everyone getting some time off from both day and evening.


  • #101
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    Pistachio19 wrote: »
    Well there you have it. She's agreed to a nursing home, you know it's the only viable option so it's just the other one who needs to be convinced. And why on earth are they only doing 9-6 care. Do they still expect you will stay and do the rest every evening/night of the week? That is not an acceptable compromise at all.


    At this point I just need to be able to get back to work, having days free is more important then nights to me right now. I have already spoken to my job about the situation and they are very supportive in accommodating me. I will be working from home when its my turn to care for Dad and in the work place the other days. I told them it was temporary until we get a day carer in. Waiting for power of attorney to come through so we can get access to the money for Dads care is the killer. It's going to take awhile. There will be headaches for awhile yet and I don't trust my siblings 100% on their schedules that they are saying they will care for Dad to be honest.


  • Advertisement
Advertisement