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Mum died, Dad non composmentis

StereoSound

My mother died unexpectedly in the past few weeks. She was the carer of my Dad who is not in a right frame of mind for maybe 10 years now. There is a lot of things he cannot do such as being left alone in the house at any time. He has issues making proper decisions and he has sort of a childish understanding of things. Saying that, he can walk down to the shop alone and buy a litre of milk or other simple things like that but most other things is a no.

I have two sisters, and because Mum died someone has to take care of Dad on a full time basis. I have temporarily moved in with Dad into the family home but my sisters seem to think I should be the one to be his carer and quit my job in the process to do it.... This is not something I want to do, I don't want to quit my job and live with my sick father until the day he dies. That is not really fair on me and my sisters insist they cannot do this because of relationships and work. I have my own life made outside this house to. My mother never wanted to put my Dad into a nursing home and I can understand that, they would just drug the man up until the day he passes. She worked in nursing homes and hospitals all her life and she would tell us exactly what goes on with mentally ill patients.

I told my sisters that I am not going to live with Dad in this way because it suits "their lifestyles" .... I have my own life and as much as I care for my Dad I cannot sit here in the house with him day and night doing nothing but cooking and cleaning for him and watching him the whole time. I was with my mother the moment she died in her bedroom as we waited for the ambulance to arrive, she had some sort of heart complications that led to her death or so we believe until we get proper toxicology results ..... My Dad is 80 and who knows when he could go and the notion of him also dying in my presence like Mum did scares the life out of me

. I am depressed enough over my Mum right now and I am being nailed against the wall here to become Dads carer. I have my own house to pay for and I will lose that if I quit my job...

I did suggest to my sisters to get a live in carer into the house for Dad. We don't know how this would actually work or how much it would cost. My mother left a very healthy sum of money to my Dad and a live in carer would probably be doable. Plus my mothers life insurance payout would also help cover costs for my Dads care.

Has anyone got any advice on this ?

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Pistachio19

StereoSound I could have written your last line. Our mum died looking after our dad. There was an age gap. We all assumed he'd go first. She was slowly dying from an undiagnosed lung disease. He was out driving, doing his own thing while she was keeping house and then cleaning up after him. We didn't realise the level of care he needed until after she was gone. I feel bad that our mother had to shoulder the burden alone. But do you know what? I don't feel bad for him going into a nursing home where he was safe. He'd had falls from tia's so he couldn't stay at home alone. And I don't feel bad in saying that none of us would have moved home, or would have moved him in with us. So while I understand your sisters not wanting to take on his care, it does not give them any rights whatsoever to guilt you into doing it. It's either shared 33% or he needs alternative care. And as they have made it clear they won't do the care, then it just leaves you with full time home care or the nursing home option. Ideally you would get carers in but it sounds like it would have to be 24/7 and that is very costly. We priced it for MIL a few years back.

Your mother, like mine, could have asked for help. She could have had carers come in, maybe paid for it, but I'd say like mine she wouldn't have wanted 'strangers in the house'. At the end of the day our mothers did it out of duty. You don't have to. There are options out there so start your research on the fair deal scheme now, see what information you need for the application, get your father's financial documents together and tell your sisters that it's either expensive full time home care, or a nursing home where the costs won't be as high.

StereoSound

Pistachio19 wrote: »

StereoSound I could have written your last line. Our mum died looking after our dad. There was an age gap. We all assumed he'd go first. She was slowly dying from an undiagnosed lung disease. He was out driving, doing his own thing while she was keeping house and then cleaning up after him. We didn't realise the level of care he needed until after she was gone. I feel bad that our mother had to shoulder the burden alone. But do you know what? I don't feel bad for him going into a nursing home where he was safe. He'd had falls from tia's so he couldn't stay at home alone. And I don't feel bad in saying that none of us would have moved home, or would have moved him in with us. So while I understand your sisters not wanting to take on his care, it does not give them any rights whatsoever to guilt you into doing it. It's either shared 33% or he needs alternative care. And as they have made it clear they won't do the care, then it just leaves you with full time home care or the nursing home option. Ideally you would get carers in but it sounds like it would have to be 24/7 and that is very costly. We priced it for MIL a few years back.

Your mother, like mine, could have asked for help. She could have had carers come in, maybe paid for it, but I'd say like mine she wouldn't have wanted 'strangers in the house'. At the end of the day our mothers did it out of duty. You don't have to. There are options out there so start your research on the fair deal scheme now, see what information you need for the application, get your father's financial documents together and tell your sisters that it's either expensive full time home care, or a nursing home where the costs won't be as high.

You could say my Mam did it out of duty yes. I guess she felt it was her responsibility. I was in and out of the house a lot during this time. Sometimes I would stay over, go do some shopping in Tesco, bring Mam to her own doctor if she needed to go. I gave her money every week to. During more awkward times I stayed in the house more frequently to support my mother. We did have a cleaner from the HSE who would come out for 1 hr on Monday and 1 hour on Friday, it was a home help scheme. My mam became good friends with that lady actually and she was devastated when Mam passed. She has been coming to the house for almost 10 years and never had a bad word to say to each other.

I was doing abit of research on 9 - 5 daytime home care today and it's going to cost well over 1,500 a week. It's mad money. It wont be long before the money she left dad and her life insurance payout runs out with those fees. They will ring us dry and when the money is all gone a state run nursing home will be the only option where they will look after him and take his full 245 odd per week pension until he dies. Not the most glowing outlook for him when it comes to that.

Trending

OP

Unfortunately no matter what you pay day care isn’t going to cut it here.

It’s clear that your sisters are playing on the fact that you are kind natured and have a dose of the guilts to boot !!! They know that’s a combination where they can bully you into doing what suits
Get your head around the fact that you have NOTHING to feel guilty for !
You weren’t responsible for your mother’s life and what happened either - seems you helped her and was there for her too.
You didn’t cause your dads illness after he retired.

Get a grip now ! You have your own life to lead. Your sisters have a handle on that fact for themselves.

Stand up to them.
Your father is their dad in exactly the same measure as he is yours.

Ageing is a blessing but can also be sad And very difficult if there is extreme health complications.

Inform your sisters that until ye come up with a plan between ye about your dads long term care that a rota is GOING to have to be set up in the interm.

You will be returning to your job and your house and you will share the rota until such time as your dads plan is sorted. End of - thats it.

Your GP and public heath should offer advise on how to go about nursing home care placement. Again your sisters need to be involved in helping organise this don’t let them leave it all up to you.

It’s ðŸ’¯ clear that this is the only option for your dad. Btw don’t know why your thinking your sending him to the gallows - nursing home care is fantastic if you get a good one.
He isn’t capable of looking after himself.

Best of luck !

stargazer 68

Trending wrote: »

OP

It’s &#55357;&#56495; clear that this is the only option for your dad. Btw don’t know why your thinking your sending him to the gallows - nursing home care is fantastic if you get a good one.
He isn’t capable of looking after himself.

Best of luck !

This OP. Don't believe everything you read about nursing homes. Residents aren't drugged up to the eyeballs and lying in bed or sitting in chairs all day.

Just yesterday a group of ours were doing the men's sheds, another group were playing bingo, a few others were wandering around chatting to staff. There will be a sing song at some point and the activity staff take requests and play their requests over spotify! And that's every day. There are a few bedridden but that is to be expected with the nature of their diagnosis.

Your Dad cannot be left to look after himself and you cannot be expected to shoulder the burden. Its time for a serious discussion. Best of luck

StereoSound

We all sat down earlier and I gave them the third degree about me doing all the care. One of my sisters is now contributing to 2 week days 9am to 6pm care. She has to go home to her kids afterwards. She admitted I was been taken advantage off. My other sister started crying her eyes out saying she cannot take time off work. She said the best she can do is take care of Dad on a saturday from 9am - 6pm. She wants to clear it with her work if she can take a week day off so she has 2 days care of Dad like my other sister. She says it's more then likely impossible and she may lose her job ? To be honest I don't think she is even going to bother asking her job, she is just too protective of her own time and lifestyle, she will fob me off. She attacked me claiming she has lots of other sh!t going on in her life and that it was unfair of me to force her into a corner to care for Dad ? Her external personal issues outside of this situation don't excuse her from caring for her Dad. I told her if she cannot give equal care for Dad because of her job then she has to pay a carer from her own pocket to cover her absence. She furiously refused and says she cannot afford this. I told her I was going to move out of the house so she will be forced to care for her Dad equally and she responded by saying put him into a nursing home then! So the complications continue...

[Deleted User]

As an employee, you are entitled to take carers leave. It’s unpaid but your job has to be kept open for you. Just like maternity leave.

How long is carer’s leave?
You can apply to take carer’s leave in one continuous period of up to 104 weeks or for a number of shorter periods that add up to a maximum of 104 weeks. If you do not take carer’s leave in one continuous period, there must be a gap of at least 6 weeks between each period of carer’s leave. You must give your employer at least 6 weeks’ notice that you plan to take carer’s leave – see ‘How to apply’ below.

The minimum period of carer’s leave you can take is 13 weeks. If you apply for a period of less than 13 weeks, your employer can refuse (if they have good reason). If your employer refuses this leave, they must explain why in writing.

However, you and your employer may agree arrangements for carer’s leave which suit you better.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/employment_rights_and_conditions/leave_and_holidays/carers_leave_from_employment.html#l1e81f

Pistachio19

StereoSound wrote: »

We all sat down earlier and I gave them the third degree about me doing all the care. One of my sisters is now contributing to 2 week days 9am to 6pm care. She has to go home to her kids afterwards. She admitted I was been taken advantage off. My other sister started crying her eyes out saying she cannot take time off work. She said the best she can do is take care of Dad on a saturday from 9am - 6pm. She wants to clear it with her work if she can take a week day off so she has 2 days care of Dad like my other sister. She says it's more then likely impossible and she may lose her job ? To be honest I don't think she is even going to bother asking her job, she is just too protective of her own time and lifestyle, she will fob me off. She attacked me claiming she has lots of other sh!t going on in her life and that it was unfair of me to force her into a corner to care for Dad ? Her external personal issues outside of this situation don't excuse her from caring for her Dad. I told her if she cannot give equal care for Dad because of her job then she has to pay a carer from her own pocket to cover her absence. She furiously refused and says she cannot afford this. I told her I was going to move out of the house so she will be forced to care for her Dad equally and she responded by saying put him into a nursing home then! So the complications continue...

Well there you have it. She's agreed to a nursing home, you know it's the only viable option so it's just the other one who needs to be convinced. And why on earth are they only doing 9-6 care. Do they still expect you will stay and do the rest every evening/night of the week? That is not an acceptable compromise at all.

December2012

I just wanted to add this point. I am married. I decided when I married my husband, that I would take care of him "in sickness and in health". I made no such deal with my parents. Therefore, the promise or intentions of a spouse is very different to those of a child. And at the same time, if my husband ever needs nursing home care, I will put him in one. My parent is presently in one, and is thriving.

The responsibility for a child to a parent is different than that of a spouse to each other.

It really looks like nursing home will be the only suitable way to keep your father safe and healthy.

Best wishes OP

[Deleted User]

If you all came to an agreement, you could take turns with leave from work and subsidise the reduction in wages by using your mums money.

A rota with someone taking over in the evenings and everyone getting some time off from both day and evening.

StereoSound

Pistachio19 wrote: »

Well there you have it. She's agreed to a nursing home, you know it's the only viable option so it's just the other one who needs to be convinced. And why on earth are they only doing 9-6 care. Do they still expect you will stay and do the rest every evening/night of the week? That is not an acceptable compromise at all.

At this point I just need to be able to get back to work, having days free is more important then nights to me right now. I have already spoken to my job about the situation and they are very supportive in accommodating me. I will be working from home when its my turn to care for Dad and in the work place the other days. I told them it was temporary until we get a day carer in. Waiting for power of attorney to come through so we can get access to the money for Dads care is the killer. It's going to take awhile. There will be headaches for awhile yet and I don't trust my siblings 100% on their schedules that they are saying they will care for Dad to be honest.

StereoSound

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

If you all came to an agreement, you could take turns with leave from work and subsidise the reduction in wages by using your mums money.

A rota with someone taking over in the evenings and everyone getting some time off from both day and evening.

The problem with Power of attorney is this.. Solicitor was very clear that we are not allowed to use any of mams money for personal use. It is only to be used specifically for Dad and the house. One of my sisters doesn't even agree on using the money to pay the bills so I have to pocket that myself. Some families do abuse power of attorney and start using it for their own personal life. If we did that then there would be no money to care for Dad so I guess it is best we don't touch it because it looks like we are seriously going to need it for Dads care soon.

radiotrickster

StereoSound wrote: »

My other sister started crying her eyes out saying she cannot take time off work. She said the best she can do is take care of Dad on a saturday from 9am - 6pm. She wants to clear it with her work if she can take a week day off so she has 2 days care of Dad like my other sister. She says it's more then likely impossible and she may lose her job ?

Has she got much annual leave left? Suggest to her to use that. She doesn’t need it for a holiday anyway.

And about her attacking you saying she has other stuff going on, *everyone* has other stuff going on. If she ever tries to attack you with that again, remind her she’s not the only one with a life or problems. You don’t have to go into specifics about your life. You know how much you’re dealing with and she doesn’t need an explanation.

Putting your father into care really sounds like the best option. I hope this works out for you, OP. Take care of yourself.

Sonic the Shaghog

OP, if you're dad has intellectual issues which it sounds like try contacting the Brothers of Charity they often can provide far more hours than standard HSE I think or they may work a deal where the HSE will give 21 hours and they may cover extra I'm not sure but it does sound like your dad may be someone they would work with

StereoSound

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

OP, if you're dad has intellectual issues which it sounds like try contacting the Brothers of Charity they often can provide far more hours than standard HSE I think or they may work a deal where the HSE will give 21 hours and they may cover extra I'm not sure but it does sound like your dad may be someone they would work with

Never heard of that group. I will look into it.

Psychiatric Patrick

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

I know your mum worked in nursing homes and was dubious about them but I wouldn’t discount them. There are very good ones. Just need to do a lot of research.

Is a nursing home an option at the moment with Covid?

Psychiatric Patrick

StereoSound wrote: »

My mother died unexpectedly in the past few weeks. She was the carer of my Dad who is not in a right frame of mind for maybe 10 years now. There is a lot of things he cannot do such as being left alone in the house at any time. He has issues making proper decisions and he has sort of a childish understanding of things. Saying that, he can walk down to the shop alone and buy a litre of milk or other simple things like that but most other things is a no.

I have two sisters, and because Mum died someone has to take care of Dad on a full time basis. I have temporarily moved in with Dad into the family home but my sisters seem to think I should be the one to be his carer and quit my job in the process to do it.... This is not something I want to do, I don't want to quit my job and live with my sick father until the day he dies. That is not really fair on me and my sisters insist they cannot do this because of relationships and work. I have my own life made outside this house to. My mother never wanted to put my Dad into a nursing home and I can understand that, they would just drug the man up until the day he passes. She worked in nursing homes and hospitals all her life and she would tell us exactly what goes on with mentally ill patients.

I told my sisters that I am not going to live with Dad in this way because it suits "their lifestyles" .... I have my own life and as much as I care for my Dad I cannot sit here in the house with him day and night doing nothing but cooking and cleaning for him and watching him the whole time. I was with my mother the moment she died in her bedroom as we waited for the ambulance to arrive, she had some sort of heart complications that led to her death or so we believe until we get proper toxicology results ..... My Dad is 80 and who knows when he could go and the notion of him also dying in my presence like Mum did scares the life out of me . I am depressed enough over my Mum right now and I am being nailed against the wall here to become Dads carer. I have my own house to pay for and I will lose that if I quit my job...

I did suggest to my sisters to get a live in carer into the house for Dad. We don't know how this would actually work or how much it would cost. My mother left a very healthy sum of money to my Dad and a live in carer would probably be doable. Plus my mothers life insurance payout would also help cover costs for my Dads care.

Has anyone got any advice on this ?

Trust me on this - you need to get your siblings in line and let them know you will not not be pushed around about anything.

I have the same type - want to live their lives free of the "burden". I'm happy for them to stay out of my way but they still think they can dictate.

Maybe your mother expected you all to share the duties equally. I would have a hard time going against her with about nursing homes (is that an option with Covid?)

"Living your own life" wouldn't even factor into it. Based on what you describe your father needs clearly needs a trained professional which you are not. I think a live in carer is something that has to be done.

You should contact your local HSE health centre or get in touch with your father's GP. you should do it immediately because the process will take time.

[Deleted User]

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

Is a nursing home an option at the moment with Covid?

I think they are but anyone being admitted is tested beforehand. Looking for a suitable home and organising the fair deal paperwork will take some time though.

Respite services haven’t been mentioned at all though by government or hse. It’s like carers have been forgotten about completely.

Psychiatric Patrick

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

I think they are but anyone being admitted is tested beforehand. Looking for a suitable home and organising the fair deal paperwork will take some time though.

Respite services haven’t been mentioned at all though by government or hse. It’s like carers have been forgotten about completely.

I cannot understand anyone who doesn't want to look after a parent - I would have expected my sisters to to be fighting each other to do it not running the other way - but OP's father needs are clearly beyond what the average person can provide.

In this case it would be selfish to NOT get a carer in.

[Deleted User]

I think you need to read the whole thread. There are many posting who do care for their parents.

There’s has also been discussion with regards to the cost of private carers.

Psychiatric Patrick

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

I think you need to read the whole thread. There are many posting who do care for their parents.

There’s has also been discussion with regards to the cost of private carers.

I think you misunderstand my meaning because I didn't explain myself properly.

I'm not criticising people who cannot be carers for their parents or who use nursing homes, etc.

I'm commenting on the people who don't want to.

And I know a carer is expensive. I was simply encouraging the OP to look into it

Also might the OP get better advice if this is need to the Carers thread?

radiotrickster

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

I would have a hard time going against her with about nursing homes (is that an option with Covid?)

I know that when patients are transferred to different wards/hospitals at the moment, they stay isolated and are treated COVID+ until a test result comes back saying otherwise. I'd imagine it's the same with nursing homes.

JustAThought

StereoSound wrote: »

Me and my sisters are getting power of attorney, however it's a long process and can take months to come through. My mum left everything to Dad, she left me and my sister's nothing at all. I guess she wanted to make sure dad would be taken care of. At first we were wondering why she left everything to a mentally ill man who can't withdraw or sign for anything because of his state. I guess she knew we would seek power of attorney so we could use the money for Dad's best interest which is fine by me.

Don’t feel bad about this - She possibly had taken
tax advice and knew the score - she could leave everything to your father knowing the taxman could take nothing - with children the taxman would get a % - this way your father gets the maximum to cover his needs and should there be a need for a further inheritance in years to come there probably will be no need for the taxman to get involved at that point. Your mom was a clever business-woman.

The HSE can be of use in getting some care hours for the family, BUt - as happened my loved one and also a neighbour, when they send their physio & OT team out to evaluate the person at hime they can refuse to
give any package on grounds that the person is a danger to themselves and not fit to live alone - so think it through BEFORE you get a GP or health worker involved. Arguably if we had spent 10k modifying/ adapting the house (stairlift/walk in shower downstairs) and paid a 200k salary iver the years with private self contained accommodation as part of the package to a private nurse or part time day minder and night nurse then we would have not had to sign the 200K+ savings and 90% of the pension over to the fair deal AND also give them the majority of the value of the house. They woiod have been much happier in their home rather than in a single bed in a nursing home - but had we known how many years were left we would have made different decisions. Mental health issues and being also mobile make it a lot more complex. As it was they became so in need of care that a nursing home would have become inevitable - but it was still a very difficult thing to face into and moreso when there were issues and covid.

OP - I’m terribly sorry for your loss and for the position your siblings are trying to push you into. Is there a way your Dad might get medication that could manage his moods and anger for him and so enable him to stay in the home with a private carer or drop in carer at key hours ?

Also, make sure you have an ATM card and the number to be able to manage payments/ salaries/bills/house maintenants/clothes /physio/medication etc. Once a ward of court judgement is made you have to (pay) and get a solicitor, court appointed social worker and judge to agree when you want major things including what seems like basic money matters done - it gets messy and complicated quickly - mostly with the solicitor demanding a fee every time s/he is involved or goes to a meeting/sends a letter. Wuth Covid courts arn’t sutting except for backlogs and urgent cases - it would be far better to make a plan and draw up a spreadsheet of expected costs - Lx/House bin charges/winer gas/l bills/ food/ windowcleaning/weekly house cleaner/ ( you don’t want the place to start to look abandoned), shoes/food/toiletres/ taxis/ light entertainments like newspaoers-cigs etc There are better short term ways of managing this if the family is in agreement and you have one key person at the helm with a receipt book and a spreadsheet. Also paYing bills by direct debit - set it up now - so if there is a fall out the electricity or heat isnt cut off by accident etc.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. You have to look to your future too - do NOT be bullied into poverty or social isolation or into losing your home or job - you may never be able to get either back again if this crisis and financial collapse continues. Neither of your parents would want that for you. Stay strong, stand up to
your siblings and hold firm. If a night nurse is needed then start by telling them one will have to be bugeted for immediately or a rota for
them and their children/spouses to stay over. Your life, dreams and ambitions are not of less importance than theirs just because their paths are already set - you also need to
have your hopes, social ambitions and goals - you are not their lackey just because it is convenient for them. STAY STRONG.

In all of this I am also terribly sorry for
your father. They say music can often sooth and help - maybe worth a try in the background.

sunshinew

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

I cannot understand anyone who doesn't want to look after a parent - I would have expected my sisters to to be fighting each other to do it not running the other way - but OP's father needs are clearly beyond what the average person can provide.

In this case it would be selfish to NOT get a carer in.

That's quite a generalised and sheltered view. You must be very fortunate with your own parents that you can't understand or imagine why "anyone" would not want to look after a parent. Some people have horrific parents that do untold damage to their children... I hold no judgement on people that then don't choose to sacrifice their lives as adults to look after their parent in old age.

That's not the OPs situation from what he's said. What wrong here, is whatever the OP's and sisters relationship is with their father, his sisters are coming up with unfair solutions and placing responsibility on the OP. The siblings are all grieving for their mother while being flung into another crisis. Grief does crazy things to people. Hopefully the sisters will come to their senses when they can see clearly again. I find siblings often grow up with a "role" they play in the family. I wonder OP, if you've always been relied on to be the steady sorter outer of problems and they're boxing you back into that role.

Anyway, stand your ground. They are being unreasonable. I hope for your sake it's an emotional reaction on their part and they will see how unfair they are being in time.

qwerty13

I genuinely think that you’re making a big mistake in not considering a care home of your choosing for your Dad.

I totally understand why you want to follow your mother’s wishes, and I know it’s a very emotional decision - but you are not qualified to look after your Dad, and I’m afraid I can’t see his state getting any better.

I’ve had a number of friends and family go through similar situations, and from what I’ve heard private carers cost a lot - and I mean a LOT - more than a nursing home. And with your Dad’s outbursts and wandering, I’m not sure that all private carers would sign up for that - or at least not without additional costs on top of a very high cost. Meanwhile, you’d be burning through money that could provide a safe setting for him in a care home, for a lot longer. I’ll ask two friends of mine tomorrow if they can tell me the comparison of costs of private in-home carers versus a care home. I just think that - understandably - you’re letting your emotions overtake practical considerations of what your Dad needs, how his needs are best met, and what funds are available to meet his needs.

The other thing is that you know already that your siblings are not going to step up. One of them sounds like they will in the short term, but will flake out. The other one sounds like they’ll never step up. And so you will burn out doing the bulk of the caring, you will socially isolate yourself, and you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. I don’t mean to be mean when I say that your job is understanding for now - but a couple of years down the line, they just won’t be. If you plan to work from home in your Dad’s house, and he’s shouting and banging, and disappearing and you have to go look for him - with the best will in the world, no employer is going to take that long term. So that means that your job and home are potentially at risk.

I think your wishes re caring for your Dad in his home are very commendable - but just not doable. And I’d really question whether that is the best solution for your Dad. And that’s without going there on the inevitable sibling fighting over ‘sharing’ care duties, and there’s already been disagreements about money. It would be great to say that money doesn’t matter, but it does: money buys your Dad better care than you’re qualified to give, so there’s a choice to be made about how to maximise your Dad’s cash assets and the value of his house in order to get him the best / most appropriate care. And money spent on your Dad means that you won’t lose your job and get into difficulty with your mortgage.

There’s some very emotion-heavy and tough choices to be made. My fear is that you are writing off the best solution without giving it any consideration, because of how your mother decided to live her life. And that was her choice to do so. That doesn’t mean that the same life has to be imposed on you without choice - or that that is the best solution for your Dad’s increasing challenging needs, and what is the best use of his money.

I wish you all the best. Tough times.

StereoSound

qwerty13 wrote: »

I genuinely think that you’re making a big mistake in not considering a care home of your choosing for your Dad.

I totally understand why you want to follow your mother’s wishes, and I know it’s a very emotional decision - but you are not qualified to look after your Dad, and I’m afraid I can’t see his state getting any better.

I’ve had a number of friends and family go through similar situations, and from what I’ve heard private carers cost a lot - and I mean a LOT - more than a nursing home. And with your Dad’s outbursts and wandering, I’m not sure that all private carers would sign up for that - or at least not without additional costs on top of a very high cost. Meanwhile, you’d be burning through money that could provide a safe setting for him in a care home, for a lot longer. I’ll ask two friends of mine tomorrow if they can tell me the comparison of costs of private in-home carers versus a care home. I just think that - understandably - you’re letting your emotions overtake practical considerations of what your Dad needs, how his needs are best met, and what funds are available to meet his needs.

The other thing is that you know already that your siblings are not going to step up. One of them sounds like they will in the short term, but will flake out. The other one sounds like they’ll never step up. And so you will burn out doing the bulk of the caring, you will socially isolate yourself, and you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. I don’t mean to be mean when I say that your job is understanding for now - but a couple of years down the line, they just won’t be. If you plan to work from home in your Dad’s house, and he’s shouting and banging, and disappearing and you have to go look for him - with the best will in the world, no employer is going to take that long term. So that means that your job and home are potentially at risk.

I think your wishes re caring for your Dad in his home are very commendable - but just not doable. And I’d really question whether that is the best solution for your Dad. And that’s without going there on the inevitable sibling fighting over ‘sharing’ care duties, and there’s already been disagreements about money. It would be great to say that money doesn’t matter, but it does: money buys your Dad better care than you’re qualified to give, so there’s a choice to be made about how to maximise your Dad’s cash assets and the value of his house in order to get him the best / most appropriate care. And money spent on your Dad means that you won’t lose your job and get into difficulty with your mortgage.

There’s some very emotion-heavy and tough choices to be made. My fear is that you are writing off the best solution without giving it any consideration, because of how your mother decided to live her life. And that was her choice to do so. That doesn’t mean that the same life has to be imposed on you without choice - or that that is the best solution for your Dad’s increasing challenging needs, and what is the best use of his money.

I wish you all the best. Tough times.

One of my sister's in all honesty I don't trust her with her suggested care schedule of Mondays and Saturdays. Tomorrow is her first day caring for Dad in a full day since Mam passed. I reminded her earlier about it and she is silent. I reckon she is pacing up and down dreading tommorow. Wouldnt surprise me if she pretends to be sick or something to get out of it. She is fierce protective of her freedom.

I definitely cannot be socially isolated by this. I have very much been bullied into his care and as I said to my sister's the other evening if I didn't protest I would stuck with him 24/7 and you would be delighted!

With the new temporary care schedule we supposedly worked out between ourselves we will see how things go. One sister is doing Wednesday and and Thursday from 9am to 6pm. The other difficult sister is doing Monday from 12:30 pm to 5pm, Saturday from 9am to 6pm. This gives me more time to move and get things done outside the house. But as I said I am not holding this rotated care times as gospel.

Fakediamond

I hope you’re checking out care homes in the meantime. Best to do your research anyway and find a place you think would suit your Dad’s needs, before being possibly forced into this decision. There are some lovely places, my friend’s mother is in a lovely home, with fabulous views across a golf course to the mountains. I tell my family that I want to go there, if it becomes necessary!

December2012

Fakediamond wrote: »

I hope you’re checking out care homes in the meantime. Best to do your research anyway and find a place you think would suit your Dad’s needs, before being possibly forced into this decision. There are some lovely places, my friend’s mother is in a lovely home, with fabulous views across a golf course to the mountains. I tell my family that I want to go there, if it becomes necessary!

Agreed! the place my parent is in is lovely, and they are actually thriving since they went in.

Pistachio19

Make sure you leave as soon as they arrive and don't arrive back until the second they are due to leave. Also tell them there are no second chances - one late arrival, one no-show and the entire plan is knocked on the head and you will all be researching nursing homes.

Tork

I had a family member in a home and it was the best place for them. It would not have been in the earlier stages of their illness but these things progress. It got to the stage where care at home was no longer the best thing for them or their carer. Even their carer, who had been determined to keep going with home care, admitted that it was better to send them into a home. It can take a while for the penny to drop though.

LegacyUser

Even if you can't contemplate a care home at the moment, it's a good idea to see what's in your local area, read their reviews and contact them to ask some general questions about costs etc.

I found that all of the good ones have long waiting lists, so you could put his name down on a list anyway at this stage. Otherwise if it became necessary for him to go into a home, he might end up having to go to one that might not be as good. If his name is on a waiting list and they contact you to say a place has become available you can always say he is not ready to go in yet but keep his name on the list for the future. I was glad I had done this when it came time for my father to go into the home as it happened suddenly in the end and he got into one of the better homes in the area.