Mum died, Dad non composmentis

beauf

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Why do I get the feeling of the OP suggests putting dad into a nursing home where the family home value and the money his wife left him will be sucked up by the HSE the sisters will be against that too :rolleyes:

They will have no choice. Very little room to wiggle with the fair deal.

HildaOgdenx

As has been suggested upthread, OP, don't rule out nursing home care. That might be the route to go. I don't know, obviously, as an outsider to the situation.

Is there anyone you can discuss options with, be it a relative, or a health professional? Someone who is slightly removed from the situation, if that makes sense.

I reread your OP, and you are dealing with an awful lot, including your mam's sudden death, in your presence. I hope that you have someone to turn to, whether it's wider family, partner or friends. You are grieving, in addition to trying to sort out care for your dad.

It's not all down to you, much as your siblings might try to put it on your shoulders. That's why I think if there is someone you can discuss options with, objectively, it might help. If the siblings are not going to step up, and assume that it's all down to you, they may have just have to abide by decisions you take. Unless they want to step in as carers, which seems highly unlikely.

Once again, I'm sorry for your loss, and take care.

StereoSound

Sorry about that wrote: »

Hi op. I would get in touch with your GP and Public Health nurse, and get your Dad fully assessed by the multi disciplinary team. This may include occupational therapy, elderly medicine, and/or psychiatry of old age. This will provide you with a picture of your Dad's current needs, and may also shed light on the road ahead, allowing you to make realistic plans. You and your siblings can't do this yourselves.

Your mother was obviously a wonderful carer, and either qualified or experienced enough to deliver this care. While she may have been very against the idea of nursing home care for your Dad; she may not have considered the problems that might arise in her absence. I'm sure she said what she said, seeing herself at the helm, but in time, she may not have been able to continue, as your Dad's needs increased.

This is a very difficult time, and you're probably unable to grieve properly for your mother while it's all being ironed out. It'll work itself out; R.I.P your Mam.

My dad has tendency to kick and scream when he does not get his own way. He kicks the doors and slams things on the table etc. To even get him to brush his teeth or change his clothes is a task and he will do anything to avoid it. Sometimes he runs out the front door and you wouldn't see him for hours because we tried to get him to do something simple as this.

Our family GP has made an appointment for someone to come out and assess Dad considering his carer (my mother) has died. I don't know what they are going to do or suggest but I have heard from someone that either me or one of my sisters are required to now register as his carer or the state could force him into a nursing home as it's in his best interest. I don't know how true that is but I hope that is not the case as I know my sisters will drag me down the guilt road if I don't sign my name to being his carer.

I’ve never heard that you have to register as a Carer as there is no obligation to apply for carers benefit. It’s just their records that will show that X will be providing care for him.

How do you personally feel about nursing home care?

StereoSound

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

I’ve never heard that you have to register as a Carer as there is no obligation to apply for carers benefit. It’s just their records that will show that X will be providing care for him.

How do you personally feel about nursing home care?

I really don't know, I would prefer to keep him out of those places for the moment until a point comes where he is just completely unmanageable or he is a danger to himself or someone else. He can be managed at home but it's a full time job for that person.

Elessar

StereoSound wrote: »

I really don't know, I would prefer to keep him out of those places for the moment until a point comes where he is just completely unmanageable or he is a danger to himself or someone else. He can be managed at home but it's a full time job for that person.

I'm really sorry StereoSound that you are in this position. I think a lot of us will face this type of thing with our own parents at some point in time.

To be honest it sounds already completely unmanageable. You cannot take care of him to the extent he needs and still live your own life. You have an absolute right to live your life and not have to be forced into being a full time carer which will make you unhappy. Your sisters are being incredibly selfish and it boils my blood to hear what they're doing. It's completely unrealistic for you to shoulder the entire burden of full time care.

Remember you can still love and care for your dad, even if he is in an different setting like a quality nursing home. It sounds like that might be the best option for him and for you at this point.

Take a read of the Fair Deal Nursing home scheme to at least get yourself familiar with it:

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/health_services/health_services_for_older_people/nursing_homes_support_scheme_1.html

You probably already feel guilty about the situation but that is absolutely normal. It's ok to say no to being a full time carer if that's not what you want, and I'm sure deep down your dad would want you to be happy too. I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I wish you the best.

Neyite

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

A similar situation almost happened to us OP some years ago where it looked like one of the siblings would need to be a full time carer. I was proposed by one sibling - like that, single, mobile and no kids to just quit my job and move 60 miles away from my boyfriend to become a round-the-clock carer.

I said sure. I'll happily do it. Honoured even. That €xxx is my current salary so divided by the rest of you it's only 10k a year, setting aside social security payments/pension etc and I'll need 4 weeks annual leave every year so you'll need to reserve XXX days each to cover me, and that it was a bargain really considering I'd be working both day AND night instead of just the 40hrs I currently do.

Funnily enough it went quiet after that.

Look, nobody wants our loved ones in a home. We always swore that my relative would never go in but there comes a point where they need professional nursing care and we were falling short in what the person needed at that time. So if your dad, at some stage, needs proper nursing care, in a nursing home then that's sadly in his best interests and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

Look into a daily carer that might fit your requirements, with each of you rotating every evening or so as required to ensure he's got what he needs. Also sort out power of attorney (I don't know much so can't advise you there) so that the money remains there for the care that he needs.

StereoSound

beauf wrote: »

You need to get the legal aspect sorted. Control of the funds etc. Also who can make decisions. Medical and wellbeing.

Me and my sisters are getting power of attorney, however it's a long process and can take months to come through. My mum left everything to Dad, she left me and my sister's nothing at all. I guess she wanted to make sure dad would be taken care of. At first we were wondering why she left everything to a mentally ill man who can't withdraw or sign for anything because of his state. I guess she knew we would seek power of attorney so we could use the money for Dad's best interest which is fine by me.

StereoSound

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

I gave up work to be my dads full time Carer in Feb 2017. I love my dad so much but I hate this part of my life.

I went from working in a busy environment talking about anything and everything to cooking, moving and cleaning my dad or staring at the light switch in my parents kitchen.

I’ve gained weight, I have the worst thoughts sometimes and my biggest fear is this could go on for another 10 years ( I don’t know) and by then I’ll be in my 50s and could get ill myself. And those years after my children had flown the coop had passed me by.

If the money is there, get a full time care team. I wish you well and sorry about the loss of your mother.

Why are you tolerating this ? I am assuming in your case there was no money to pay for care ? This is exactly what I don't want to end up happening to me. My sisters would be happy to see my life wasted by staring at the wall as they f off and enjoy their lives. My younger sister had the ignorance to say to me even if Dad lives another 10 years, after Dad passes I'm still sort of young.... I'm 38 and sure as hell am not going to wait until I'm 48 to continue my life.... She can go jump ! I want to get married and have kids, not waiting until I'm pushing 50 to do that.

StereoSound

StereoSound wrote: »

Why are you tolerating this ? I am assuming in your case there was no money to pay for care ? This is exactly what I don't want to end up happening to me. My sisters would be happy to see my life wasted by staring at the wall as they f off and enjoy their lives. My younger sister had the ignorance to say to me even if Dad lives another 10 years, after Dad passes I'm still sort of young.... I'm 38 and sure as hell am not going to wait until I'm 48 to continue my life.... She can go jump ! I want to get married and have kids, not waiting until I'm pushing 50 to do that.

To cut a long story short my dad’s behaviour from the brain injury he received got him expelled from the home he was in. I can laugh now at this. He went there from rehab so went back to rehab. The rehab also has a nursing home attached but they told us that they wouldn’t take him because of his “issues”. They gave us his date he had to be out of rehab by so we had no other option.

I say we as my sister also looks after him but she is in a good job with great pension benefits. I wasn’t so it made more sense for me to leave work.

It’s not all bad but it can be stressful and boring in equal measures. There is no just deciding to take time off work and go where you want. You need to see if there is respite available first. It’s like having to ask for permission to do as you wish. Even though my dad is a tall heavy man I would struggle with the mental part of it much more than the physical.

StereoSound

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

To cut a long story short my dad’s behaviour from the brain injury he received got him expelled from the home he was in. I can laugh now at this. He went there from rehab so went back to rehab. The rehab also has a nursing home attached but they told us that they wouldn’t take him because of his “issues”. They gave us his date he had to be out of rehab by so we had no other option.

I say we as my sister also looks after him but she is in a good job with great pension benefits. I wasn’t so it made more sense for me to leave work.

It’s not all bad but it can be stressful and boring in equal measures. There is no just deciding to take time off work and go where you want. You need to see if there is respite available first. It’s like having to ask for permission to do as you wish. Even though my dad is a tall heavy man I would struggle with the mental part of it much more than the physical.

My Dad has a brain injury to, he had a form of meningitis 10 years back which he never fully recovered from. He is very difficult at times and acts like a child. Going around Lidls doing the shopping with him beside me can be really awkward, or going to the bank or whatever I am doing. I am forced to bring an 80 year old mentally ill man everywhere I go, you know yourself it's not easy and I don't feel it's fair for him either. I feel really sorry for my Dad as he is calling out for my Mam everyday since she died. It's an awful situation for anyone to be in. My mam always said she hoped Dad would pass before her as it would alleviate the stress and complications of his situation, but look this is the reality we are facing now and he has to be prioritized and yet be fair on the rest of us.

Sorry about that

StereoSound wrote: »

My dad has tendency to kick and scream when he does not get his own way. He kicks the doors and slams things on the table etc. To even get him to brush his teeth or change his clothes is a task and he will do anything to avoid it. Sometimes he runs out the front door and you wouldn't see him for hours because we tried to get him to do something simple as this.

Our family GP has made an appointment for someone to come out and assess Dad considering his carer (my mother) has died. I don't know what they are going to do or suggest but I have heard from someone that either me or one of my sisters are required to now register as his carer or the state could force him into a nursing home as it's in his best interest. I don't know how true that is but I hope that is not the case as I know my sisters will drag me down the guilt road if I don't sign my name to being his carer.

That is extremely tough going, both from your Dad's difficulties, and from the pressure you're getting from family. It's a nightmare. You can remind them that caring for elderly people is not your area of expertise. I suspect that your sisters are possibly transferring their sense of guilt onto you, as it currently beats the alternative m, which is to admit that you are not equipped (or may not be), to begin the long haul that is caring for an older person with increasing needs.

Sometimes you need to be assertive in getting the right referrals; you can ask for a multi disciplinary team meeting, where your Dad's expected future needs can be discussed. This is time consuming and may not be offered, but if I found myself in your shoes, I'd be pushing for it. Because of his somewhat challenging behaviour, I'd really push for psychiatry of old age to assess him asap.

I'd advise you to agree to nothing right now. Emphasise the importance of a diagnosis and assess of needs; otherwise appropriate care can't be implemented. Feel no guilt, you're doing nothing wrong, and have a right to live your life as you choose. Your mother was wonderful but it was her choice all the way. No guilt, and accept no pressure.

Sardonicat

It's so sad, OP. Your poor Dad and you trying to grieve and deal with your Dad's behaviour. I'd go with the advice of the last poster. And while the assessment is taking place make it clear to those assessing his needs that you can't and wont be his carer. The most like outcome here is a Nursing Home. I know you are against it but putting in the research combined with the funds available an excellent home can be found for your Dad.

StereoSound

Sorry about that wrote: »

That is extremely tough going, both from your Dad's difficulties, and from the pressure you're getting from family. It's a nightmare. You can remind them that caring for elderly people is not your area of expertise. I suspect that your sisters are possibly transferring their sense of guilt onto you, as it currently beats the alternative m, which is to admit that you are not equipped (or may not be), to begin the long haul that is caring for an older person with increasing needs.

Sometimes you need to be assertive in getting the right referrals; you can ask for a multi disciplinary team meeting, where your Dad's expected future needs can be discussed. This is time consuming and may not be offered, but if I found myself in your shoes, I'd be pushing for it. Because of his somewhat challenging behaviour, I'd really push for psychiatry of old age to assess him asap.

I'd advise you to agree to nothing right now. Emphasise the importance of a diagnosis and assess of needs; otherwise appropriate care can't be implemented. Feel no guilt, you're doing nothing wrong, and have a right to live your life as you choose. Your mother was wonderful but it was her choice all the way. No guilt, and accept no pressure.

There is someone coming to the house soon enough to assess Dad, directed by his GP. My sisters don't want me to mention anything bad about him in terms of his behavior (kicking and screaming) in case they try to force some sort of unwanted care on him. I disagree and think I should be straight forward about his actual behavior. They cannot help unless they know whats going on.

Sardonicat

StereoSound wrote: »

There is someone coming to the house soon enough to assess Dad, directed by his GP. My sisters don't want me to mention anything bad about him in terms of his behavior (kicking and screaming) in case they try to force some sort of unwanted care on him. I disagree and think I should be straight forward about his actual behavior. They cannot help unless they know whats going on.

Absolutely be honest. Create an incident diary to record his outbursts. Do not let your sisters stop you from being honest. The asesment wll be pointess if you aren't honest. How dare they prevent 'some kind of care' for your Dad and expect you to provide it all. The absolute selfishness and cheek of them.

Sorry about that

StereoSound wrote: »

There is someone coming to the house soon enough to assess Dad, directed by his GP. My sisters don't want me to mention anything bad about him in terms of his behavior (kicking and screaming) in case they try to force some sort of unwanted care on him. I disagree and think I should be straight forward about his actual behavior. They cannot help unless they know whats going on.

Of course you have to be upfront; and you know this. Your sisters also know it.

If it's any comfort, this type of situation arises in families all the time, with siblings treating each other incredibly badly, for whatever reasons. People can be manipulative and nasty, while convincing themselves that they're just trying to do the right thing. I'm not suggesting that this is the case in your family, but it happens. From what you've said, your Dad already needs a certain amount of care and supervision. No matter how much you love him, and want to deliver on your mother's wishes, becoming a full time carer is an enormous, life-changing undertaking, and even if you had 24/7 help from paid carers, you're still the fall guy.

I'm not trying to steer you in any direction, but if you have major concerns about becoming your Dad's carer, you're right, it's a huge deal.

Stay calm, and stand your ground. You do not have to make any decisions today or tomorrow. It's ok to muddle along for a little while, till you know more.

sunshinew

StereoSound wrote: »

Why are you tolerating this ? I am assuming in your case there was no money to pay for care ? This is exactly what I don't want to end up happening to me. My sisters would be happy to see my life wasted by staring at the wall as they f off and enjoy their lives. My younger sister had the ignorance to say to me even if Dad lives another 10 years, after Dad passes I'm still sort of young.... I'm 38 and sure as hell am not going to wait until I'm 48 to continue my life.... She can go jump ! I want to get married and have kids, not waiting until I'm pushing 50 to do that.

This is so unfair on you. If anything your siblings have people to support their lives and current grief and are taking the opportunity away from you to meet somebody. Similar situation happened in my family with my grandmother when I was a child. She couldn't live by herself and she moved in with my single childless 40 year old aunt. The other siblings had "families to look after". My grandmother died 10 years later. I'm 39 and single myself now and was having a chat with my mother recently. I asked had she ever really sat down and thanked her sister. She paused her entire life for 10 years to look after her mother... My mum had her own issues at the time with two kids and an alcoholic husband, but she got upset when I told her I thought her sister made an incredible sacrifice for the whole family and it effected the entire course of her life. My aunt became quite bitter over time and remained single and is now in her 70s living alone through covid.
Your sisters will gaslight you and make you feel guilty... If it's that important to them that he's looked after in his own home, and if it's such a reasonable request they are asking of you, then why aren't they offering to do it themselves. Being married isn't an excuse!

Sonic the Shaghog

Its most likely it's the public health nurse that will be sent out to access. Under no circumstance play down his behaviour, it will totally mess up her assessment.

You'll have carers going in not knowing half his behaviour and possibly refusing to engage with your family and father if they see he can be extremely agitated and kick out and it wasn't mentioned. I worked in it for a while. Some carers, particularly female don't want to be with a male client that can lash out as unfortunately the stress as well physical injury that may occur is just too much so it would be very unfair to do that to carers going in blind.

It could end up with you losing care too. Not so much HSE cutting hours but if one company who only has say 1 carer in the area and the carer finds out a lot of issues or behaviour were never told or as I said they are wary of a client who may lash out they'll tell the company they are not going back there and you could end up months waiting for another company to apply to take over and you're on your own for that time.

Then there's also the safety issue. If a carer didn't know he can take off out the front door they could be making the bed or making him a bit 9f lunch and he's gone and what's more depending if the PHN and care company isn't aware of the total extent of his behaviour they may just tell her he's obviously gone out and left you just head away. This has happened where sometimes a client isn't at home when you'd arrive or a rare occasion where some difficult clients just left the house to head off to the pub etc and the carer left there having to ring in to be told head away if that's their carry on. However in your dad's case it would be a case of he can't be left alone so proper channels to report him missing would need to be followed from contacting the family and Gardai

So for the carers and your own sake tell them everything.

qwerty13

I’ve seen this happen to a good friend of mine, and she’s just broken now.

For a start, the idea that you can just pick up the carer role is so unfair. My friend had that because her siblings thought that was ok because she was female and single, and it’s affected her hugely. It has basically taken up her whole life for her 30s and most of her 40s. And then there was a row about inheritance, as her mother left her the house.

I’m afraid to say that your father is already at the unmanageable point. He needs professional care. Your mother chose to provide full-time care for him, undoubtedly at a huge cost to herself. You don’t have to do down the same route, despite your mother’s preference re your Father’s day to day living.

My friend never had her father assessed, and that meant severe difficulties in accessing any supports. So do not go down the road of just sucking it up, as your siblings seem to want you to do.

The other aspect is money. If there’s a good amount of money from your mother’s estate, then that should be used for your Dad. I’d be highly suspicious of any sibling who thinks otherwise - especially when they appear to think that you should basically replace your Mum.

You have a huge amount going on OP: the loss of your mother, the trying to cope with your father, and being emotionally blackmailed by your siblings. I think you need to talk to someone very soon. My friend is only doing that after 17 years of care, and she’s very hurt, angry, and broken. Don’t do that to yourself OP. You need to establish boundaries with your siblings - including acknowledging that your Dad needs professional care.

I wish you the very best, I know it’s tough going.

Tork

I’m afraid to say that your father is already at the unmanageable point. He needs professional care. Your mother chose to provide full-time care for him, undoubtedly at a huge cost to herself. You don’t have to do down the same route, despite your mother’s preference re your Father’s day to day living.

I know a little about this because someone in my family reached that particular crossroads. Saying you'll keep somebody at home until the day they leave in a wooden box is a noble intention but it doesn't always work out that way. There often comes a time when a big decision has to be made. Despite what your mother was saying all along, there is no guarantee she wouldn't have agreed to have him put into a home at some point. The burden of caring for somebody creeps up on their carer and it's only when they're gone that they realise what they'd been through. It's hard for someone who's in the middle of caring to notice how bad things have got. Your mother's view of nursing homes might be a bit out of date if you don't mind me saying. Things will have changed since your mother was working and there is more transparency now. There are lots of very good nursing homes in Ireland, where they won't just drug your father up to the nines against everyone's wishes and leave him there. There's more consulation with the family now and the homes are subject to HIQA inspections. We still hear about institutions where there are problems but they're a rarity rather than the norm. So in other words, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the nursing home option. Maybe you know someone who has a family member in a home and you could talk to them? Also, many people have found that the local Public Health Nurse was their greatest ally when it came to caring and accessing help. Don't be afraid to talk to him/her.

Definitely don't play down anything when he's assessed and see what the experts say. Nothing they say is binding anyway so you are still free to make up your own mind.

HildaOgdenx

I agree with Tork. Saw it with a friend of mine. The family, well two of them, including my friend, did their best to care for an elderly parent, at home. They were both working full time but spent nights there, in turn, and had carers come in during the day.

Eventually the parent required more care than they could provide. They found an excellent nursing home, where the parent was really well cared for. So, as Tork said, your mother could well have reached that stage too, where she was no longer able to care for your dad, and would have had to go the nursing home route.

There's nothing to be gained, and I know that you are well aware of that, by playing down the situation. That seems to be coming from a selfish place, on the part of your siblings. And it's not in anyone's best interest, least of all your dad's.

Mind yourself and give yourself space to grieve.
All the best.

Tork

Something else I meant to say - if you give the HSE or your sisters any inkling that you can manage this on your own, they'll leave you to do this on your own. It sounds like a really awful thing to say but for your own good you're going to have to be incredibly selfish here and keep saying you can't do this and can't do that.

Neyite

Firstly I would suggest to get a full assessment of need done, and work out a plan for care. Tell them everything -good, bad, ugly. They will work out what your father actually needs, not what your siblings think he needs.

Then propose a family meeting. If you think it's useful, you could see if one of the professionals such as the public health nurse sits in. If your siblings try to dismiss aspects of your father's care, a PHN won't be long putting them straight, especially if you tell them that your siblings want to land it all onto you. Go into this meeting with a clear plan of what you can offer, and more importantly what you absolutely cant. Have a think about how your siblings could adjust their lives to accomodate your father's care too. Let your siblings propose you if they like - your stock answers could be "no, I've a mortgage to pay". "No, I can't give up my job" "No, moving home doesn't work for me." "here's what I can provide, if you do X, I can do Y" - don't bother to explain or justify, they'll only pick apart your explanations.



It's often the case that the offspring who gives up their job/life to become a full time carer gets left the family home as recompense for them living off the pittance of carers allowance, not being able to progress their career/ get a mortgage or continue to pay a mortgage or pay into their pensions, so if they do bully you into becoming the full time carer, make it clear that that's what you expect, and you want it all legally tied up that way before you give up your life - you may find that the idea of forgoing their inheritance might soften their cough.;)


Lastly, there's a carers forum on here. Many have experienced very similar situations in their own families and a read of threads in there might be helpful or useful for you.

StinkyMunkey

If I was in your fathers place, I'd want my family to put me in a home. Why should someone else's life be wasted being a full time carer. Some people may not see it as being wasted, but I certainly would so I'd wanna be put in a home where I can have all of my needs catered for.

Your sibling have no interest in caring for your father, yet they don't wanna see him go into a home. There is a simple solution, they don't want him to go into a home, then they accept that they have to pull their weight when it comes to caring for him - 1 week on 2 week off for everyone (think you mentioned 2 siblings).

Your father will acclimatise to a home and will be properly looked after. You can visit as much as you like. Think your siblings will visit much....! I'll hazard a guess and say no.

Putting your father in a care home is not abandoning him, it's putting him in a safe environment where every need he has is catered for.

Live your life OP, I guarantee if your father could tell you to he would.

Daisy78

StereoSound wrote: »

One of them is married ye, the other is engaged and has a kid with her fiance. You could say they assumed I was the automatic choice for this job. I have been pretty firm with them recently about my feelings towards this. I suppose they think I have less sht going on in my own life compared to theirs which is not true at all. Me and my sisters in recent years have barely contacted eachother, my mum dying has forced us back into each others lives. It's been non stop arguing for weeks over this. Jesus

This attitude drives me wild, how dare they assume your life and well being can be sacrificed to provide care for your dad, just because you don’t have a spouse or children. Under no circumstances should you stay in that house on a permanent basis. Look obviously you love your dad and want the best for him but the solution to this has to be a joint effort. It is incredibly selfish of your sisters to dump this on you. My partner is going through a similar issue at the moment and it’s causing no end of stress on his part.

To me the answer is getting a carer into the house. There are more informed people on here who can advise you about different options regarding care packages and what might be appropriate for your dad in his situation. In one sense you are lucky that money /affordability isn’t an issue here so it does give you those options. You need to discuss this this again with your sisters and make it very clear that you simply cannot afford to give up your job and become a full time carer for your dad, it’s just not sustainable. It might be worth doing some research into in home care packages before you speak to them, come to them with a solution rather than getting into another argument.

Pistachio19

My siblings and I were thankfully on the same page - we'd have exaggerated my father's weaknesses in order to get him into a home. He wasn't overly thrilled but there was no way he could live alone after our mothers sudden death and there was no way any of us was going to take over his care. It took 2 months from application for fair deal scheme to getting into the nursing home. He spent 3 weeks in hospital prior to moving into the home, as we hounded his gp to refer him in after a fall. If any of my siblings had been against a nursing home then I'd gladly have washed my hands of the situation and left them to deal with it all. Your sisters are being complete selfish b*tches expecting that you will give up your life to be a full time carer. How dare they expect you to minimise your father's health issues. As suggested compile a list of all the things that have happened, every outburst you recall and every time he's gone awol. From our experience you will get sod all with a homecare package - we had someone come in fornhalf hour twice a day which was sod all use. Unless your sisters agree wholeheartedly to a rota whereby all of you share the load (with you not living there) then there is no other option but to find a nursing home place. Otherwise you will be left on your own while they give every pathetic excuse as to why they can't help out.

StereoSound

Daisy78 wrote: »

This attitude drives me wild, how dare they assume your life and well being can be sacrificed to provide care for your dad, just because you don’t have a spouse or children. Under no circumstances should you stay in that house on a permanent basis. Look obviously you love your dad and want the best for him but the solution to this has to be a joint effort. It is incredibly selfish of your sisters to dump this on you. My partner is going through a similar issue at the moment and it’s causing no end of stress on his part.

To me the answer is getting a carer into the house. There are more informed people on here who can advise you about different options regarding care packages and what might be appropriate for your dad in his situation. In one sense you are lucky that money /affordability isn’t an issue here so it does give you those options. You need to discuss this this again with your sisters and make it very clear that you simply cannot afford to give up your job and become a full time carer for your dad, it’s just not sustainable. It might be worth doing some research into in home care packages before you speak to them, come to them with a solution rather than getting into another argument.

One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...

Sardonicat

StereoSound wrote: »

One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...

Carer's is €214 a week - even worse then you thought! I'm glad you've got a clear idea of what direction you are going in. Do not let yourself be swayed by promises of a rota. I fell for that bollix and it was all lies. Judging from what you've told us about your sisters they wouldn't be long finding reasons to avoid their turn. I've been told to make sure I've got extra food in for when my siblings deign to call and what tea-bags sister in law prefers when she visits! You're getting a real insight in who your sisters are. Be proud of yourself for being there for your Dad while a solution to his care is being found. You ARE putting his needs first and are obviously a very decent, caring son.

Princess Calla

StereoSound wrote: »

One of my sisters in particular tells me I have to budget my money better in order to accommodate all the needs "when" I give up my job... Giving up my job which pays me 600+ per week in exchange for a carers allowance of 245 odd a week ?... She says to me "oh just put an x amount away every week from the carers allowance and you will still be able to afford stuff for yourself" etc etc. What about my effing house ? My mortgage is 900 per month.... How in the name of christ can I keep that up on 245 a week and pay all the bills in the house and the bills in my parents house.. Her partner has a highly paid job and he pays for her lifestyle. He paid for her college fees and the mortgage on the house they are living in. She would be living in a shoe box somewhere if it wasn't for him.



I appreciate all the info I am getting from this thread. The conclusion will be something like this, if we cannot get a carer into the house during the days so I can continue to work as normal, then my sisters will either have to do it which they wont anyways on any sort of full time basis. The only other alternative is a nursing home of some description. I already told my sisters earlier that I am not quitting my job to live on carers allowance and sitting here waiting for Dad to die...

I guarantee that sister will be the first inline for inheritance. I don't even know her and I want to give her a slap.

I wouldn't be giving up anything. Your dad is 80 and I've seen people with the best will in the world last a few months before it becomes way too much (parents leaving the house naked, leaving gas on etc)

There's an absolute massive difference in looking after a frail parent and looking after a physically strong parent with diminished mental awareness.

The last hospital stint my dad had the Dr's advised he couldn't look after himself.... None of us were able to look after him, he's in a home now, looking better than he was. He has his good and bad days, before covid he would have a stream of visitors, grandchildren etc.

As others have said there's no guarantee that your mum would have been able to look after him to the end. My aunt is a trained nurse and looked after her husband, but in the end she had to put him in a hospice as it got to a point that was beyond even her skillset.

Look after yourself, you shouldn't have all this extra stress.

If I were you now, I'd be saying that you are heading home for a few days and one of the sisters will need to stay.

cannotlogin

You are 100% right that this is not your burden to deal with. Your sisters are being selfish and completely out of order under the circumstances.

Most parents want the best for their children and most would not want to their children sacrifice their own life to provide for them no matter what the circumstances.

There's a horrible attitude among many in society that those who are single and don't have children should carry more than others....It's very obvious in a lot of workplaces at the moment too.

This is a decision that must be made with the agreement of all 3 of you. None of you are in a position to care for your father so you have to agree on some alternative whether it's homehelp or a nursing home. Don't let your sisters guilt you in to anything due to their selfishness.

A nursing home often is the best place forsomeone with dependencies. Look at HIQA reports online some standards are better than others, be satisfied you are putting him in one of the better run homes...that's all you can do and take comfort in the fact they can provide specialised care in excess of what his family can.

Don't feel guilty about this or be railroaded into anything else, especially by people who only have their own interests at heart.