Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

Your son sounds like an awful person, to be honest.
One of the absolute worst things that could happen when I was a teen
was an sex scene in a film you'd be watching with your parents on TV.
This guy is leaving lube around and having loud sex in rooms with no doors in the family home. Jesuuuss. Degenerate behaviour.

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

We must assume your surname to be 'offyourhighhorse'.

That's admittedly a very clever quip. I wouldn't say I hold particularily lofty ideals though. The behaviour described is hugely disrespectful.

Gynoid wrote: »

We seem to have generally moved from being horrible prudes all the way to absolutely forbidding any and all kink shaming in one fell swoop. The middle ground only felt the kiss of our speeding tyres. It is so much harder to be a parent when the outside culture is saturated with porn and early sexualisation of children. But also because of brain damaged "progressive" notions about how to deal with kids and inappropriate behaviour. Personally I think kids benefit from relative strictness and strong boundaries. Makes them overall feel safer. Gives them something to measure themselves against.

There is another aspect to the general picture, and I am not assuming it to be the case here -

There are parents out there who are not only afraid to give a teenage son a kick up the hole for fear of rocking the 'progressive' boat, but who feel and are actually intimidated by their teenage sons and daughters.

I've seen this happen. But I can't remember one instance of it in all my peer group at that age, back in the '80's.

Which is partly why, in my opinion, the behaviour with alcohol is the much bigger issue averred to by the OP.

susieball wrote: »

Hi! All, thanks for replies. Yes, I did tell the girl to leave. Her dad is involved but lives on the other side of the city. She seems to be always conveniently missing the bus. Her mother seems to be always out and never able to collect her. I am currently sick with flu, so didn't have the energy to drop her home, and asked my son to give her money for a taxi. I have dropped her home on several occasions before this. Every time I get home from work, she's either leaving or arriving to my house, and 80% of the time conveniently missing the bus, though I keep reminding her of the bus times. I doubt she is taking precautions. I have spoken to my son about this a lot - about the importance of using condoms, especially if he is mad enough to engage in underage sex. I have always said I don't approve of underage sex, and he should wait until age of consent at 17. My son was so annoyed and mad at me this morning that he refused to a private careers guidance counsellor I had paid for for him, and had an appointment with, to help him choose subjects for 5th year. Feel he is going down the tubes fast! Re parenting - I am a single parent. Re the other parents - I don't have the girl's father's details. I doubt she will give them to me. I don't have her mother's details either, and as she won't let me drop her directly to her house when I drop her home, I don't know exactly where she lives, but I do know the school she goes to, when she goes to school!

Have you anyone to support you ?

I know its not your duty or responsibility but this girl is underage and by the sounds of it she is being neglected by her parents/guardians. I actually feel sorry for her from what you have said.

Jumping over a wall so you dont see her house. There is something not right about all of this. If it was me I would approach her school and tell them this. This situation surely needs to be reported to Tusla?

It is your house, your rules but he really is just being a teenager. Its not exceptionally strange behaviour. I would not take too much notice of it. He will grow out of it. Most do.

Nikolai Vast Rat wrote: »

I don't think it's really fair to say 'he's just being a teenager' and excusing the behaviour.

Yes, it's a difficult age and teens like to push boundaries but he's making his mother uncomfortable in her own home and his sister feeling unsafe/in danger.

He's abusive, drinking, having sex and him and his mates are trashing his mother's home.

I'm sorry but it should not be acceptable and is not standard for most teen behaviour.

Oh dont get me wrong its despicable behaviour and shouldnt be tolerated in her house at all. I was just telling this (wonderful) single mother that she as a parent is not doing anything wrong rearing him. As I said the behaviour is typical of lots of teens but I wouldnt be over thinking it as a reflection on her parenting skills.

Hi OP, a lot of conflicting opinions here.

On the issue of consent when do they both turn 17? Any difference in age that leaves your son turning 17 before his girlfriend & continuing to have sex with her could land him in murky waters.

To be blunt, they are going to continue having sex, that’s a given. Consent & safe sex are the core issues here.

Is there possibly a male figure in your sons life that could support you in having a conversation with him about his behaviour has overall. I’d advise you’re realistic & flexible about the rules you set.

Once the core issue of consent becomes a non-issue it would be my advice that you accept that teenagers are going to explore & have fun. This is the reality & acknowledging that is important.

Consider telling this girls Father as she’s currently living with him. I’d do so in a way that acknowledges that your teenagers are going to continue sleeping together.

My parents didn’t trust me & had a totally different set of rules for me whilst my older sibling had her boyfriends stay in a ‘separate’ room! My reaction? I had as much damn fun as possible every time my parents left the house! My mother found a used condom once that we hadn’t properly disposed of so that forced an unpleasant conversation, she was disappointed & disgusted but she accepted it however the “Not in my home”, typical ‘Irish Mammy’ reaction was there too, to be fair at least she didn’t tell my Dad, I would’ve been packing a bag had she done so!

As for your son drinking, honestly I don’t know one Irish teen that didn’t/doesn’t! Not to excuse it but to demonise it will have an adverse effect. Addressing this should be part of a conversation you have with him with the support of someone that you believe may be able to get through to him. With respect, Parents aren’t always best placed to navigate these waters & a mediator (Uncle, Aunt, family friend etc) may really be able to help you here.

Andrew00 wrote: »

How on earth could you be riding in ur parents house? At any age?

The most embarrassing thing ever. Sure talking about sex to them is embarrassing enough

Are you joking?! Honestly I’m not being sarcastic! Teenagers are full of curiosity & hormones. A potent mix.

Andrew00 wrote: »

Im not joking..why would you bring a woman back to your parents house and ride them whilst ur mum and dad are there?

Because lust and logic are not good bedding partners (no pun intended!)

KiKi III wrote: »

I’m not a parent, but surely it’s better that they’re doing it at your place rather than down an alley somewhere?

What age did you lose your virginity OP?

Have to agree with this, safer under your roof then in a town park or who knows where, boys will be boys and your son will continue no matter what

OP, I am texting the following with the greatest of respect. I have 4 teenage children 14-20

First off....wtf.
Sex in your house?
Drinking?

He needs his arse handed to him.
You sound like a very nice woman, mother, doing her best, with the makings of an abusive thug on her hands.

Under any circumstances would I NOT be accepting this disrespect from someone under my roof.

Oh and I am most certainly not alone. I live in a very MC area with a lot of similar families and I can tell you they would most certainly not be putting up with this bull**** and disrespect from their children in school or college.

Your son's behaviour is not acceptable.

He needs it spelt out to him that he either follows your rules in your house and treats you with courtesy and respect, or he makes other arrangements.

Harsh perhaps, but this will not get better for you with the attitude and behaviour that he feels comfortable displaying.

Under NO circumstances should YOU be made to feel uncomfortable in YOUR home by your son.

As for that poor girl! Well early pregnancy is an obvious possibility. Spell it out to your son, otherwise you have the moniker of Grandmother looming.

I repeat...to those thinking this bull**** is tolerated in most homes... you are wrong. It is not.

It most certainly isn't in the many, many families of which I am familiar.

Good luck OP, it isn't easy. But you do NOT have to accept this BS.

KiKi III wrote: »

I’m not a parent, but surely it’s better that they’re doing it at your place rather than down an alley somewhere?

What age did you lose your virginity OP?

The age that the OP lost her virginity is none of your business and irrelevant to the rules that the op sets in her house. I hope that the op does not attemp to answer it.

Cheap shot Kiki

Andrew00 wrote: »

Agree, Nobody I know had sex at 16 or 17

I don't know why everyone is claiming every child that age is riding

Geuze wrote: »

Correct.

It is not normal to be having sex at 16.

Indeed, it may be illegal?

Nobody I know had sex at 16-17.

You may see it it on soap operas, etc.

Note that these are children, and as such should be focussed on sport and study, etc.

Are you two being serious ? Really ? Get a grip. My GF at the time and I were 16 for our 1st time and I'm a 70's culchie kid.

As a parent of 2 Girls and a Boy now I'm dreading them hitting the teens with what content is so readily available to them these days to give them ideas thanks to smart devices. Absolute minefield.

My wife and I have every intention of keeping devices out of their hands for as long as we can but they'll still be bound to have a friend that has one to show them whatever

This is a very difficult situation OP. Firstly, you should try to get support for yourself from family or friends, perhaps your GP, and maybe through counselling. Many years ago, I too was a single mother to a teenage boy and I understand something of what you’re going through. With adolescence, especially male adolescence, all you can do is stand back and let it happen. Focusing on the sex issue is fighting a losing battle. Although the situation is very tough for you, there’s nothing in your son’s behaviour that would cause me particular concern. For instance, it’s a good sign that he’s holding down a part time job.

I would talk to your son about his future plans, the importance of his studies, the college courses he’s aiming for etc. He should be working towards independence, and education is the key to this. Meanwhile, it seems from earlier posts in your thread that your son sleeps in an open gallery in the attic, and sounds from the room reverberate throughout the house. Yet you mention there’s a guest bedroom in the house? I think anyone over the age of twelve should have a private bedroom, and perhaps you could move your son to the bedroom and use the open gallery for any occasional overnight guests?

The person that I’m most concerned about in this scenario is the girlfriend, who seems to be essentially homeless. Her mother and stepfather “don’t want her” and her father seems to do little more than allow her to stay, perhaps “sofa surf”, at his house. It sounds to me like she’s being emotionally and possibly physically neglected by the adults in her life, and she really needs help. Maybe you should raise your concerns with the school?

Good luck with this journey. You and your son will get there eventually, though it will be a bumpy road ahead for the next while.