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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #182
    Loafing Oaf
    Registered Users Posts: 16,056 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

    Bonus
    The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.

    Reminds me of my favourite ever fringe gag, by Stewart Francis:

    "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."


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    #183
    christy c
    Registered Users Posts: 2,193 ✭✭✭christy c


    What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul


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    #184
    foxy farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    christy c wrote: »
    What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul

    While the nun in the bath has soap in her hole.


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    #185
    quickbeam
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 16,287 Mod ✭✭✭✭quickbeam


    I think that was implied. :rolleyes:


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    #186
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!


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    #187
    foxy farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    quickbeam wrote: »
    I think that was implied. :rolleyes:

    Whats being implied by your post getting 8 thanks from 7 posters?


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    #188
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh. :D


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    #189
    Kimbot
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 18,452 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    New Home wrote: »
    Either Srameen has a doppelganger, or they've named one of the hamsters after him. Duh. :D

    So good they were named twice :D


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    #190
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    T'was in a café they first met,
    Romeo and Juliet.
    And it was there that Romeo ran into debt,
    for Rome-owed for Julie ate


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    #191
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Dearest Dad,

    I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check
    book out. I'm in love with a man who is far away from me.
    As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland.
    We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook,
    and had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on
    Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
    through Viber.

    My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes,
    and a really big wedding.

    Lots of love and thanks.

    Your daughter, Lilly


    THE RESPONSE

    My Dear Lilly,

    Like wow! Cool!

    I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have
    fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
    for it all through PayPal.
    And when you get fed up with your new husband,
    sell him on eBay.

    Love,

    Your Dad


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    #192
    jaykay74
    Registered Users Posts: 6,566 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    Two guys are hunting, one guy says "Whoa, big hole. How deep is that?"

    Other guy says "Let's throw something in the hole and see."

    They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole.

    "Becky? Becky!!" Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops near the two hunters and asks them "You guys seen a goat?"

    "Yes, we did! A goat ran by us about 80 miles an hour down into that hole!"
    "That's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him chained to an anvil."


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    #193
    Ipso
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    There was a Scots man called Andy, who went into a pub for a shandy.
    When he lift up his kilt to see what he spilt.
    The bar maid said "Andy, that's handy"


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    #194
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What's black and white, black and white, Black and white?
    A nun falling down the stairs

    What's black and white and laughs?
    The nun that pushed her


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    #195
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

    Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"


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    #196
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at school today

    Dad: Punch him in the face.

    Son: But he is so cute.


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    #197
    flutered
    Registered Users Posts: 6,669 ✭✭✭flutered


    yank ends up at the wedding reception end of bunratty castle, he orders a large burbon, while waiting for the drink he looks around and spies a cat on the landing behind the railing which runs around the top floor, its sitting on its arse washing its nether regions, while paying for the drink he says to the barman i wish i could do that, while getting his change the barman scoops out some cat food using the change, hands it to the yank saying, give him that and he might let you


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    #198
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    What did the cowboy say when he walked into a German car showroom?

    Audi


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    #199
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    How do you make a Swiss Cross?

    Step on his foot!


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    #200
    Loafing Oaf
    Registered Users Posts: 16,056 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    branie2 wrote: »
    How do you make a Swiss Cross?

    Step on his foot!

    While we're on the subject:

    swiss+flag+a+big+plus.jpg


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    #201
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents...

    What a pair of miserable bastards!


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    #202
    Erik Shin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    Fabritzo wrote: »
    I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents...

    What a pair of miserable bastards!

    Jesus fckin Christ!! I thought I had clicked on the "where are you now" thread!!.... nearly fell over :D


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    #203
    McMurphy
    Registered Users Posts: 13,365 ✭✭✭✭McMurphy


    I lol'd.


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61S4-OxmUfs


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    #204
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    I got my mother in law a chair for Christmas.

    She won't let me plug it in though.


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    #205
    thesandeman
    Registered Users Posts: 9,961 ✭✭✭thesandeman


    branie2 wrote: »
    I got my mother in law a chair for Christmas.

    She won't let me plug it in though.

    Mine wouldn't let me use electricity either.


    I used gas instead.


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    #206
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.


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    #207
    blueser
    Registered Users Posts: 10,691 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    Those Stannah stair lifts drive me up the ****ing wall.


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    #208
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,506 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    blueser wrote: »
    Those Stannah stair lifts drive me up the ****ing wall.

    that's a shame I find them very up lifting


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    #209
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,506 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one
    day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system
    at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and
    we're ready to go on the trucks.
    So from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When
    I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I
    want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to
    make love all night."
    The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and
    his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his
    wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to
    make love.
    After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
    The husband asked
    "What's this Bell 4???"
    And the wife replied "More Hose!!!
    You're nowhere near the fire!"


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    #210
    somefeen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,657 ✭✭✭somefeen


    What do you call a testicle with ADHD

    Hyperbolic


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    #211
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,506 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
    The first little boy said, "Alligator."
    "Very good James, that's a big word."
    The second boy said, "Predator."
    "Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."
    Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
    After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
    eat anything."
    "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!


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