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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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MonkieSocks

Murphy applied for a fork-lift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Polish man applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications,
they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job".

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that?
We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job".

Manager:
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong".

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?".

Manager: "That's simple.

On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know'.

You put down,

'Neither do I'".

Capt'n Midnight

Went on a date with a girl from the Stock Exchange.

I knew it was going well when she started playing FTSE with me under the table!

patmac

NEW CEO
The Allied Steel Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a
new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make about €400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came
back in two minutes, and handed the guy €1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."

Ipso

What's big, hard and pink in the morning?

The crossword in the Financial Times.

Wombatman

f(x) = 2x + 5 walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a toasted ham, cheese and onion.

The barman says "Sorry. We don't carter for functions".

.................................................................................

A woodworm walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?".

foxy farmer

A public school raises it's fees but sends out letters mistakenly saying the new fees should be paid "per anum" instead of "per annum".
One parent sends back a reply stating while he had no problem paying the increased fees he would prefer to continue paying through the nose.

the_pen_turner

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you
understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old guy seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no
money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you even imagine the kind of weekend that I had?"

byrner88

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.

philstar

Hugh Hefner dead rumours are not true.

That's just how the playbunnys describe him in bed.

7 Seconds...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

7 Seconds...

And God said to Moses, come forth and see the light.

He went fifth and got a hairdryer.

7 Seconds...

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40".

sligojoek

philstar wrote: »

Hugh Hefner dead rumours are not true.

That's just how the playbunnys describe him in bed.

He's stiffer now than he's been in 20 years.

[Deleted User]

sligojoek wrote: »

He's stiffer now than he's been in 20 years.

Well at least he doesn't need the Viagra anymore.

7 Seconds...

I can't dance to save my life. But the moment I step in dog poop I can moon walk better than Michael Jackson.

7 Seconds...

If you were born in September, it's pretty obvious your parents started their new year off with a bang.

Capt'n Midnight

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

[Deleted User]

Wonderful English from Around the World "*(for the hard of hearing)

"In a Bangkok Temple*":
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

*"Cocktail lounge, Norway"*:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR

*"Doctor's office, Rome"*:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

*"Dry cleaners, Bangkok"*:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

*"In a Nairobi restaurant"*:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
.
*"In a City restaurant"*:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

*"In a Cemetery"*:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

*"Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations"*:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

*"On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant"*:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

*"In a Tokyo Bar"*:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

*"Hotel, Yugoslavia"*:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*"Hotel, Japan"*:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*"In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery"*:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

*"A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest"*:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

*"Hotel, Zurich"*:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

*"Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand"*:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

*"Airline ticket office, Copenhagen"*:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like Qantas!!!)

*"A Laundry in Rome"*:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

*"And finally the all time classic:"**" "**"Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window"*:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
…. Priceless

MonkieSocks

There was this really Fat bloke, waddling along down the road.

A rather Bumptoious woman saw him and remarked,

'If that Belly had been on a Woman she would be Pregnant'

Without breaking step, he replied,

'It has been ,And she is'

byrner88

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

dilallio

An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.
Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.
As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:
"Ladies & Gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Dept. of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"
Well poor Mick & Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.
"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".
"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"
"Sure why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.
Mary responds "But what about the smell?"
"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies"

TheBody

I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Loafing Oaf

7 Seconds...

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

7 Seconds...

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public or take an exam.

7 Seconds...

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Can I come too... wrote: »

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public or take an exam.

Can I come too... wrote: »

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

7 Seconds...

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

So, what's wrong with that?

[Deleted User]

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

Both these are from a wedding speech I heard last year.

Maybe "can i come too" went too to the same wedding. :P

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Can I come too... wrote: »

So, what's wrong with that?

Jeez, did I say anything was wrong? Relax!