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Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

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    #32
    kenmm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,698 ✭✭✭kenmm


    Panthro wrote: »
    If you feel uncomfortable with the idea OP, say no.
    If you get asked why say worldwide pandemic.

    See, it depends. Pandemic and child abuse excepted, if the reason is that you feel the uncle doesn't have a strong enough relationship to go away for and few days, then just say that. Anyone willing to understand that will work on that relationship and build it up.
    If his nose is out if joint then who cares, shows more about him and why you wouldn't want him to do it.

    No point making excuses here.


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    #33
    The Mighty Quinn
    Registered Users Posts: 1,228 ✭✭✭The Mighty Quinn


    Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

    It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

    But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough. And if there's no evidence of anything, than it is sad for that man that his sister's husband thinks like that about him.. it really is.

    ----
    Edited to add, child abuse seems to be the clear implication, from the OP's line about not putting himself in a position where he is alone with his daughter's friends, which is probably a smart move on his behalf, remove any possibility of anything untrue being said - it's unfortunate that that's where things are, but it is a reality. And I know that "stranger danger" is not usually the issue, but to be guilty until proven innocent is an unfortunate view too. Better safe than sorry, perhaps, but.. there'd need to be some, any, prior indication of something.


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    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    munchkin_utd wrote: »
    I personally find this extremely odd. What does a 40 year old and an 11 year old do in a city that is experiencing covid restrictions? They'd likely end up in the hotel for more time than out and about.
    Also, if he has a spare weekend wouldnt it not be a more attractive proposition to bring the girlfriend than an 11 year old?
    With one you can go for a meal/ to a bar/ talk about grown up stuff, maybe a little action late in the evening
    With the child, no craic, no pints, early to bed, no ride (you'd hope).

    EDIT: Ive a daughter barely younger than yours and I wouldnt be bothered on a city trip on my own with her, and I have mulled it over a couple of times (planning spins for football matches, family occassions with hotel overnights) and it was too much of a hassle to have her tag along compared to just going on my own.

    Just about all tourist locations are open so they can do what you normally do with a child on holiday in London ie plenty.

    At 11 sulhe is probable going to enjoy the dungeon, thorpe, etc and actually it's a good age to bring with you for those reasons.

    Is the girlfriend going as well? Could be a case of water testing on his part or simple, he and the child night get along.


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    #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Tombo2001 wrote: »
    Thats an appalling inference, there is a big difference between not wanting them to do it, and reaching your conclusion...

    FFS Boards does my nut it sometimes...

    The biggest problem the OP has is expecting a reasoned response on this website. Just ask your friends instead. Dealing with shower of ****s here.

    The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

    I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.


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    #36
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,470 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    The Mighty Quinn wrote: »
    Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

    It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

    But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough.

    At no point did OP say it was weird....this forum is a like a bad case of Chinese whispers where now the Uncle is an out and out degenerate and police should be called, or alternatively the OP is implying as much.

    My own read on this, and I see it all the time with kids, is that they are offered things that suit the person offering...don't particularly suit the kid, and don't at all suit the parent. The most obvious being the ubiquitous, "here's a giant bag of sweets, amnt I great.....and we'll let your parents worry about getting you to sleep when you were too full up with sugar to eat a proper dinner".

    This is a good example. Am sure the Uncle would love to be knocking around London, see the sites, who wouldn't.

    However its a long haul for an 11 year old child without their parents. Plenty of kids have never been on a sleepover of any sort at that age.

    If he wants to be a good uncle he could also do it by offering to bring them to their sports training, by helping them with homework, by cooking a meal with them. But that's not much fun for him.


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    #37
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,470 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    Deleted User wrote: »
    The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

    I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

    That is absolutely standard etiquette followed by pretty much every parent I know.

    His statement doesn't imply anything of the sort you are saying and its an appalling slur by yourself.

    Its implying that the uncle's offer is a big deviation from the norm and he is uncomfortable with it, no more, no less.


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    #38
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users Posts: 3,967 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    If they go to London they will have to self isolate for 14 days including missing school when they get back, use that to say no.
    I could all be innocent but frankly it's weird say no. Question is what are you going to do from now on, keep a close eye on her and make sure he's not trying to get her on her own.


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    #39
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Tombo2001 wrote: »
    That is absolutely standard etiquette followed by pretty much every parent I know.

    His statement doesn't imply anything of the sort you are saying and its an appalling slur by yourself. Its implying that the uncle's offer is a big deviation from the norm and he is uncomfortable with it, no more, no less.

    He brought it up. And did you just skip how he described the brother? Jesus.


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    #40
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

    I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

    That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.
    Right or wrong, they have every right to be concerned about their child.


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    #41
    The Mighty Quinn
    Registered Users Posts: 1,228 ✭✭✭The Mighty Quinn


    Tombo2001 wrote: »
    At no point did OP say it was weird....

    You're right, I used another poster's word, but the OP did say he was shocked and acknowledged he was wound up over it by asking if he was overreacting, the implication being he thought it strange behaviour. So apologies if "strange" morphing to "weird" has upset you.

    As for the rest of your post, I don't disagree that it may not be best for the child, at which point the parents just need to pipe up, doesn't mean he was strange to ask, just perhaps a little green with children.

    And yeah there are other ways he can be a good uncle of course there are. You're the one painting pictures now based on limited info by basically accusing him of suiting himself to swan around London and enjoy himself, you have twisted a kind offer to that of a selfish man.


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    #42
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ReginaldSmythV wrote: »
    That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.

    It's Boards though, disappointing but not surprising. If you can get a low dig in at someone from the safety of your keyboard, sure you may as well take it and improve your own day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


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    #43
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ReginaldSmythV wrote: »
    That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.
    Right or wrong, they have every right to be concerned about their child.

    Barely nasty. Sign of the times just. Parents see fear everywhere nowadays, as is demonstrated in the opening post.


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    #44
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,470 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    The Mighty Quinn wrote: »
    You're right, I used another poster's word, but the OP did say he was shocked and acknowledged he was wound up over it by asking if he was overreacting, the implication being he thought it strange behaviour. So apologies if "strange" morphing to "weird" has upset you.

    As for the rest of your post, I don't disagree that it may not be best for the child, at which point the parents just need to pipe up, doesn't mean he was strange to ask, just perhaps a little green with children.

    And yeah there are other ways he can be a good uncle of course there are. You're the one painting pictures now based on limited info by basically accusing him of suiting himself to swan around London and enjoy himself, you have twisted a kind offer to that of a selfish man.

    I would say you are right, just a little green with Children.


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    #45
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Deleted User wrote: »
    It's Boards though, disappointing but not surprising. If you can get a low dig in at someone from the safety of your keyboard, sure you may as well take it and improve your own day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    The only low digs handed out were by the OP doing a character assassination on his brother-in-law for having the gall to want to spend time with his niece.


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    #46
    JayRoc
    Registered Users Posts: 1,574 ✭✭✭JayRoc


    I don't think the request automatically makes him a weirdo.

    It's very difficult to judge something like this without knowing the individuals involved and the dynamics of the family.
    But the very fact that you are unhappy with the idea makes me think he must be somewhat naive to ask.

    I would never put myself in a position where I would be alone for an extended period with an 11 year old girl who wasn't my daughter. It's terrible and I hate that it's how we have to think nowadays but you have to protect yourself


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    #47
    irelandrover
    Registered Users Posts: 3,681 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    Perhaps the OP could explain why he is uncomfortable, and what the relationship the brother in law has with the child now. Otherwise its just a lot of guessing.

    Personally id be OK with family taking my kid for a few days, but they have always been pretty involved in her life. I don't see it as weird that they want a close relationship with their niece.


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    #48
    wildwillow
    Registered Users Posts: 1,113 ✭✭✭wildwillow


    Deleted User wrote: »
    The only low digs handed out were by the OP doing a character assassination on his brother-in-law for having the gall to want to spend time with his niece.

    It is spending a long time in another country, when he doesn't seem to have a relationship with her., that's worrying the OP.

    Others have mentioned that she may not be ready to spend so much time away from family. He may not have experience of dealing with children for a long period, without a break.

    Father is acting like any father would. I doubt he would be questioning it if there was a history of time spent together doing activities.


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    #49
    Antares35
    Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    OP if you have any doubts then in my opinion that is reason enough to say no. It might be completely innocent but why should your daughter risk being another statistic. She's your child, you don't need to make excuses. I wouldn't worry about offending other people's sensitivities when it comes to my daughters welfare to be honest. Perhaps I'm harsh as I had a family who didn't protect me, and continued to make excuses for him long after the abuse was disclosed. When it comes to my daughter, I will tear myself in two to protect her from the same thing. I wouldn't care about offending anyone.


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    #50
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    All, lay off attacking the brother in law. OP is looking for opinions on what others do, as it seems to have come out of the blue for him. Keep responses to that.


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    #51
    JayRoc
    Registered Users Posts: 1,574 ✭✭✭JayRoc


    I'd also say to the OP to be incredibly careful how you go about this if you do decide not to allow your daughter go on the trip. I would say a simple mention of the covid situation would suffice.

    Don't even hint that you think your daughter could be at risk while in the company of her uncle.

    It's the sort of thing that could cause a massive family rift if he or your in-laws became aware of your concerns (regardless of whether you feel those concerns are justified)


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    #52
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    wildwillow wrote: »
    It is spending a long time in another country, when he doesn't seem to have a relationship with her., that's worrying the OP.

    Others have mentioned that she may not be ready to spend so much time away from family. He may not have experience of dealing with children for a long period, without a break.

    Father is acting like any father would. I doubt he would be questioning it if there was a history of time spent together doing activities.


    He is 40 and still lives with Mammy and Daddy only got a Girlfriend a few months ago. I was shocked when she said it to me am I over reacting ? as I wouldn't even drop any of her friends off without her been in the car.


    OP is worried about physical safety of his daughter around this weirdo. It has nothing to do with it being another country or whatever, and he'd have given us a lot more info about their relationship if it was.

    Anyways, pretty much all I wanted to say. Good luck with telling the wife, OP.


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    #53
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,073 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    I would not allow an 11 year old girl share a room with an adult male if I am very honest .

    Op Use Covid as your excuse as London is riddled with it


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    #54
    inthenip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 130 ✭✭inthenip


    Find it a bit strange to be honest, just say not with Covid and maybe invite him along on your next hotel break away.

    Would your daughter actually want to go?


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    #55
    munchkin_utd
    Registered Users Posts: 7,834 ✭✭✭munchkin_utd


    The health minister in Wales said today that he expects a UK lockdown in weeks.

    I dont think now is the time to be planning unnecessary spins to England, regardless of all other considerations.


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    #56
    Purgative
    Registered Users Posts: 2,509 ✭✭✭Purgative


    My 2 cents. We need more details.


    What does the daughter think of the trip? Is she enthusiastic or not?


    What is the daughter's relationship to uncle in any case? Information provided thus far suggests that it is little more than passing.


    All that aside Covid pretty much puts paid to any unnecessary trips.


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    #57
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,294 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    My 6 year old and 4 year old recently went to the other side of the country with my sisters husband. They had a great time as he is off work at the moment so had all the time to spend with them.
    If I had any doubts about him I wouldn't have let them go but he has been present in their lives since birth and they love him to bits.

    OP needs to figure out what he is worried about.


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    #58
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    The OP hasn’t mentioned when the trip would be. For all we know the brother in law could have been having a convo around the kitchen table that started with “when all this Covid crap is over I want to......”


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    #59
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Red flag I wouldn’t allow it and keep your daughter away from him.


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    #60
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,470 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    The issue of 'trust' has been brought up here, and a lot of people have assumed trust equates to being worried the Uncle will behave inappropriately.......a strawman which they have then used to denounce OP.

    The more fundamental issue, and I would say the issue OP is concerned about, is trust that the uncle - or whoever- will be able parent their child responsibly, and thats reasonable.

    To give two recent examples.....when lockdown lifted back in June, the kids went to visit a family relative for a few hours who brought them to a busy restaurant. We hadnt been inside a restaurant for four months, this was never checked with us, the relative thought it was fine, we didnt.

    Prior, years ago when we had young baby, family relative visited and said she would mind baby while we went to shops - at the time my wife was breastfeeding and it was really difficult to get a routine going. We got back to be told that baby was crying so family relative had popped some (dairy) milk into a bottle, warmed up, fed the baby.....delighted with herself. But it was wrong thing to give baby, and messed up the breast feeding routine, wife was fuming.


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    #61
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,294 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Red flag I wouldn’t allow it and keep your daughter away from him.

    What is the red flag?


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