The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium · 21-09-2020 2:24am

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi all, I've volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Athlone , which apparently were made by a tried and regulated, Russian Pharmaceutical company.

I received my first shot and wanted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκιχoρoshό Я чувствую себя немного странно и думаю, что трахнул твою мать. сука ебать

I tried the German vaccine and now I'm in the Sudetenland.

waynescales1 · 23-09-2020 1:53pm

Me: "Hello, emergency services? Yeah, I've got a cow stuck half way in my fridge!"

ES: "Is it Friesian?"

Me: "No it's still warm, but how do I get this cow out?"

byrner88 · 26-09-2020 2:37am

My grandad has a plaque on his head in memory of a park bench that passed away

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 12:09pm

Just found out that there is a library in my local town centre. They kept that quiet.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:14am

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off it's tail... it will be delighted!

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:24am

Last night I watched the uncut version of Scarface. It's called ... Face.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:25am

Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."

He came fifth, and won a toaster.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:29am

I once called Seaworld. They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:31am

I asked out IT expert at work if "beef stew" was a good password. He said "No, it's not Stroganoff"

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:32am

Madam Tussaud's have just finished their new wax model of Bonnie Tyler, but there's a problem....

Every now and then it falls apart.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 12:33am

What do you call a mexican carpet layer? Underlay, underlay!

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 1:15am

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2020 1:36am

A lone sniper is about to assassinate President Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse".
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse".
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

TheChevron · 29-09-2020 10:19pm

Picked up a COVID mask for my pet duck.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

29-09-2020 10:49pm

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

Bob Harris · 29-09-2020 10:59pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....

frag420 · 29-09-2020 11:02pm

Bob Harris wrote: »

I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....

Its jokes like that, that make the Swedes cross...

foxy farmer · 30-09-2020 2:48am

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down the mountain.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Stand on his toe.

joeguevara · 30-09-2020 10:04am

Deleted User wrote: »

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

The Japanese Flag is a Venn Diagram of the amount of Japan that is Japan

RobMc59 · 02-10-2020 11:54am

A woman is walking past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window. 'F*nny licking frog for sale,€25'.
So she went in and said 'can I see the f*nny licking frog please'.-the man behind the counter replied-'bonjour'.

iamstop · 02-10-2020 9:00pm

i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

whiskeyman · 02-10-2020 9:51pm

iamstop wrote: »

i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

I ordered our national flag from a printer in black and white, but he told me to tricolour.

03-10-2020 12:00pm

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.
One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon.
"A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says.
He runs up and gets riddled with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

coolhull · 03-10-2020 8:27pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."

Ted_YNWA · 03-10-2020 8:35pm

I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

It was sole destroying.

New Home · 03-10-2020 8:50pm

Did you put your foot down, Ted?

Ted_YNWA · 03-10-2020 8:54pm

There was no trainers of any description there.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-10-2020 8:55pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

It was sole destroying.

Come admit it, you got the boot.

New Home · 03-10-2020 8:57pm

I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...

IrishZeus · 03-10-2020 9:00pm

New Home wrote: »

I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...

You’d be a shoe-in for the role - just step on up.

Ted_YNWA · 03-10-2020 9:04pm

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

IrishZeus · 03-10-2020 9:05pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

A bit of banter is good for the sole.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-10-2020 9:15pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

There was no trainers of any description there.

Rumour was you injected the laces with LSD and people were tripping all over the place.

bonzodog2 · 03-10-2020 9:17pm

IrishZeus wrote: »

A bit of batter is good for the sole.

Are you codding us? Way nicer in breadcrumbs!

Capt'n Midnight · 03-10-2020 9:19pm

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

If only you'd kept instep with your co-workers.

New Home · 03-10-2020 9:33pm

Nice way of putting the boot in, Capt'n.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-10-2020 10:01pm

IrishZeus wrote: »

A bit of banter is good for the sole.

Sounds like brogue.

the beer revolu · 04-10-2020 9:55am

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

I guess it was good at the start but it could never last.

04-10-2020 11:49am

This thread is turning into a load of cobblers!
We need to get a comment from an F1 driver.

Michael Schumacher

Capt'n Midnight · 04-10-2020 11:08pm

Prisoner says to his guard “it’s freezing in this cell,…any chance of a bit more heat”,..
Guard replies “no problem,…I’ll put you another bar on”.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-10-2020 11:09pm

My mate just told me I don't understand irony at all.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-10-2020 11:10pm

My favourite Dave Allen story.

A reporter was interviewing him and asked him what the secret of comedy was. Allen hung up on him.

A few days later, the reporter's phone rang, he picked it up and Allen said 'Timing.'

M.T. Cranium · 05-10-2020 2:41am

I've been told I lack empathy but in both cases the person had just lost their job so I suppose they weren't thinking straight.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2020 9:21pm

I went to a hairdressers in Newcastle recently and asked “Could you please give me a perm?”

“Certainly, Madam” said the hairdresser, “Ah wandered lernly as a clood...”

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2020 9:22pm

When the waiter brought me a horse with a stocking over its head, I had to to repeat: “ No, Mascarpone.”

byrner88 · 06-10-2020 9:22pm

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-10-2020 10:23pm

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

Capt'n Midnight · 06-10-2020 10:24pm

I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

tayto lover · 06-10-2020 11:18pm

I know a small barman.

But he’s counter productive.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-10-2020 12:04am

We were so poor growing up that for breakfast we had ordinary K

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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