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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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M.T. Cranium

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi all, I've volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Athlone , which apparently were made by a tried and regulated, Russian Pharmaceutical company.

I received my first shot and wanted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκιχoρoshό Я чувствую себя немного странно и думаю, что трахнул твою мать. сука ебать

I tried the German vaccine and now I'm in the Sudetenland.

waynescales1

Me: "Hello, emergency services? Yeah, I've got a cow stuck half way in my fridge!"

ES: "Is it Friesian?"

Me: "No it's still warm, but how do I get this cow out?"

byrner88

My grandad has a plaque on his head in memory of a park bench that passed away

Capt'n Midnight

Just found out that there is a library in my local town centre. They kept that quiet.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off it's tail... it will be delighted!

Capt'n Midnight

Last night I watched the uncut version of Scarface. It's called ... Face.

Capt'n Midnight

Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."

He came fifth, and won a toaster.

Capt'n Midnight

I once called Seaworld. They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises.

Capt'n Midnight

I asked out IT expert at work if "beef stew" was a good password. He said "No, it's not Stroganoff"

Capt'n Midnight

Madam Tussaud's have just finished their new wax model of Bonnie Tyler, but there's a problem....

Every now and then it falls apart.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a mexican carpet layer? Underlay, underlay!

Capt'n Midnight

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.

Capt'n Midnight

A lone sniper is about to assassinate President Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse".
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse".
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

TheChevron

Picked up a COVID mask for my pet duck.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

[Deleted User]

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

Bob Harris

Deleted User wrote: »

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....

frag420

Bob Harris wrote: »

I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....

Its jokes like that, that make the Swedes cross...

foxy farmer

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down the mountain.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Stand on his toe.

joeguevara

Deleted User wrote: »

Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

The Japanese Flag is a Venn Diagram of the amount of Japan that is Japan

RobMc59

A woman is walking past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window. 'F*nny licking frog for sale,€25'.
So she went in and said 'can I see the f*nny licking frog please'.-the man behind the counter replied-'bonjour'.

iamstop

i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

whiskeyman

iamstop wrote: »

i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

I ordered our national flag from a printer in black and white, but he told me to tricolour.

[Deleted User]

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.
One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon.
"A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says.
He runs up and gets riddled with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

coolhull

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."

Ted_YNWA

I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

It was sole destroying.

New Home

Did you put your foot down, Ted?

Ted_YNWA

There was no trainers of any description there.

Capt'n Midnight

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

It was sole destroying.

Come admit it, you got the boot.

New Home

I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...

IrishZeus

New Home wrote: »

I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...

You’d be a shoe-in for the role - just step on up.