What's the etiquette here??

Former Observer · 24-05-2019 1:49pm

Oh lord. Sometimes life imitates art. I was only talking with the other scholars on here about bidets yesterday and I've been sent a twelve page PDF today discussing the merits of different brands and form factors.

Former Observer · 24-05-2019 3:25pm

Lads quick question, somewhat urgent. I was in a cheerful mood today and was downing back the awl Maxwell House (10 big mugs approx) while sitting at my workstation. Now I've gone in for some vegetable broth and rye bread at lunchtime, and about four minutes ago I released a noxious plume of gasses (I'd say about a litre and a half of gas) with follow through. By follow through I mean aqua vitae, moisture, maybe streaking, maybe crowning. The problem is I am going straight to the bus after work for a 2 hour 30 minute bus journey. Should I create a tampon of toilet paper to place between my arse and the wet patch? Any ideas?

partyguinness · 24-05-2019 3:59pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Lads quick question, somewhat urgent. I was in a cheerful mood today and was downing back the awl Maxwell House (10 big mugs approx) while sitting at my workstation. Now I've gone in for some vegetable broth and rye bread at lunchtime, and about four minutes ago I released a noxious plume of gasses (I'd say about a litre and a half of gas) with follow through. By follow through I mean aqua vitae, moisture, maybe streaking, maybe crowning. The problem is I am going straight to the bus after work for a 2 hour 30 minute bus journey. Should I create a tampon of toilet paper to place between my arse and the wet patch? Any ideas?

Well, it might be worth considering letting the wet patch dry out but if you put a tampon in there then it may just prolong the wetness and fragrance. I can foresee the tampon getting incredibly dry and uncomfortable on the bus and then you will have an almighty itchy hole on you. Scratching away on the bus may lead one to think you have worms,

Personally I would try to mop up and dry it as best as you can and try to get some fresh air in there.

Carrying a good wedge of paper on the bus may be advisable.

Hotblack Desiato · 24-05-2019 4:28pm

That's more of a panty liner than a tampon, unless you're shoving it inside the hole of course (not recommended.)

Tena Man is a thing but it's only for urinary leakage afaik

If there's a shower in work there's probably a hairdryer, you could use that on the pants and the cheeks

Maybe ask one of your female colleagues nicely for an Always Ultra?

Former Observer · 24-05-2019 4:34pm

Ah chite lads I'm on the bus now and it's not the most comfortable experience. I believe I may end up compounding issue as I've three Marks and Spencers pornstar martinis for the trip also.

partyguinness · 24-05-2019 4:45pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Ah chite lads I'm on the bus now and it's not the most comfortable experience. I believe I may end up compounding issue as I've three Marks and Spencers pornstar martinis for the trip also.

Which option did you go for?

Former Observer · 24-05-2019 4:46pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Which option did you go for?

Tampon.

JohnnyFlash · 24-05-2019 5:02pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Tampon.

Did you bring a plastic bag as well?

Bullocks · 24-05-2019 5:04pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Tampon.

Horse the martinis down fast and hope u fall asleep for the journey. Feel nothing that way

Sheep Shagger · 24-05-2019 5:18pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Horse the martinis down fast and hope u fall asleep for the journey. Feel nothing that way

Unless he shytes himself!

Brendan Bendar · 24-05-2019 5:21pm

Hmmm I’m obviously too late to save the lads jocks but I have been in the situation, where an over vigorous ‘blow out’can lead to some ‘collateral’.

My preferred routine was to hit for the Supermarket, and purchase a jumbo pack of microfibre towels,’ touch me,enjoy the soft’ is their tag line.

Lower the jocks and ‘line’ the area of contamination with the towel,making sure to cradle the nutbag and ‘tamp’ well into the arse crease.

These bad boys will ensure no leakage and will withstand all but catastrophic contamination and would have an endurance of up to three hours standing, about 2.5 seated.

Careful washing could bring them back to kitchen duties later, especially if spiced beef, hot chili, or slightly off mackerel are not involved.

partyguinness · 24-05-2019 5:21pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Tampon.

Hope you don't get arrested or taken to A&E this evening. Having that hauled out of the crack of your ass and put in a clear plastic bag might be a tad embarrassing when handed back to you.

JohnnyFlash · 24-05-2019 5:32pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm I’m obviously too late to save the lads jocks but I have been in the situation, where an over vigorous ‘blow out’can lead to some ‘collateral’.

My preferred routine was to hit for the Supermarket, and purchase a jumbo pack of microfibre towels,’ touch me,enjoy the soft’ is their tag line.

Lower the jocks and ‘line’ the area of contamination with the towel,making sure to cradle the nutbag and ‘tamp’ well into the arse crease.

These bad boys will ensure no leakage and will withstand all but catastrophic contamination and would have an endurance of up to three hours standing, about 2.5 seated.

Careful washing could bring them back to kitchen duties later, especially if spiced beef, hot chili, or slightly off mackerel are not involved.

I’d add Bombay mix and Eastern European lager to that list, Brendan.

Brendan Bendar · 24-05-2019 6:05pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d add Bombay mix and Eastern European lager to that list, Brendan.

Agree on the Bombay Mix John, but I find Eastern European lager, especially Baltika very palatable along with Karpackie.

Doesn’t initiate an attack of the ‘squits’ I find even after a gallon of the stuff.

Head like a stone pot next day in fairness, but it goes after a while.

JohnnyFlash · 24-05-2019 6:12pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Agree on the Bombay Mix John, but I find Eastern European lager, especially Baltika very palatable along with Karpackie.

Doesn’t initiate an attack of the ‘squits’ I find even after a gallon of the stuff.

Head like a stone pot next day in fairness, but it goes after a while.

I'm the opposite, Brendan. Lager wouldn't be my drink of choice, but when I do knock back 12 cans of it I find the next day extremely unpleasant. Feels like trying to squirt a barrel of acid through a fúcking paper straw. Porter is my usual tipple, and while the bang of the farts the next day is wojus, the bowel movement itself is usually benign enough.

Slideways · 24-05-2019 7:09pm

I’m in bad fettle today lads.

Had a feed of dry roasted nuts the past few days. These normally go down well unless I really overdo them. Then it ends up coming out like silly string.

Anyway, dropped off an otter and his entire family earlier, no bother, slipped out like greased eels and only a bit of paperwork involved.

Unfortunately this is where the good news ends. Lads, it feels like I have some shrapnel stuck in the muzzle. Have sat down since but if I keep straining I’m likely to end up with some arse grapes.

Have employed some intensely vigorous wiping but it hasn’t gone away. Feels like I’m about to father a peanut and it’s a breach birth..

Advice please lads and lassies

FFred · 24-05-2019 7:28pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Ah chite lads I'm on the bus now and it's not the most comfortable experience. I believe I may end up compounding issue as I've three Marks and Spencers pornstar martinis for the trip also.

Let me get this right then , so far today you have shioted your kaks, made a homemade panty liner and are now drinking premixed cocktails from a can on public transport.

Wow, I thought my average day was fcuked up!

Der Stier · 24-05-2019 7:34pm

Nothing worse when you feel you need to go and just fart and a little bit of drittle comes out ....
Wet hole then and gave myself a ****in prostate exam when wiping my arse.

partyguinness · 24-05-2019 9:40pm

FFred wrote: »

Let me get this right then , so far today you have shioted your kaks, made a homemade panty liner and are now drinking premixed cocktails from a can on public transport.

Wow, I thought my average day was fcuked up!

You couldn’t make this stuff up.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 25-05-2019 6:13pm

Was in Gdansk back in April , a Ryanair weekend thing.

Was drinking Tyskie, a real flat polak lager.

On the Saturday evening we were having a bit of grub in a pub. I wasn't feeling too good , hadn't dropped a log in over 2 days.

Went into the jacks and entered the stall. Hot slurry poured out of me for the next 25 mins.

The doorman came in half way through, banged on the door of the stall and said 'what are you doing?" in a heavy eastern European accent. I told him I was backing out a load but he didn't seem to understand.

Came out then and went back into the bar, friend ask's what the fck were you doing in there? They're all talking about you at the bar.

Apparently they thought I was shooting up and sent the bullet headed slav of a bouncer in to check on me.

JohnnyFlash · 25-05-2019 9:43pm

Slideways wrote: »

I’m in bad fettle today lads.

Had a feed of dry roasted nuts the past few days. These normally go down well unless I really overdo them. Then it ends up coming out like silly string.

Anyway, dropped off an otter and his entire family earlier, no bother, slipped out like greased eels and only a bit of paperwork involved.

Unfortunately this is where the good news ends. Lads, it feels like I have some shrapnel stuck in the muzzle. Have sat down since but if I keep straining I’m likely to end up with some arse grapes.

Have employed some intensely vigorous wiping but it hasn’t gone away. Feels like I’m about to father a peanut and it’s a breach birth..

Advice please lads and lassies

This poor fûcker got no advice at all.

EmmetSpiceland · 25-05-2019 10:06pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This poor fûcker got no advice at all.

Must have worked it out himself, probably with one of his fingers.

Brendan Bendar · 25-05-2019 11:26pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This poor fûcker got no advice at all.

I would have told him to wave a spud...about 4 mins 30 .

Let her cool a bit to tolerable heat and apply to the affected area .

The heat will melt any winnits of tag nuts into a paste which can easily be removed with a moist towel.

Peel the spud and add to the stew if desired.

An alternative would be to smear a good coating of ‘Winalot Super Meaty Paté ‘on the balloon knot and borrow a Labrador or Beagle.

Present the area to the animal and she will be licked clean as a young nuns hoop in no time.

There you go, my friend.

Slideways · 26-05-2019 12:33pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I would have told him to wave a spud...about 4 mins 30 .

Let her cool a bit to tolerable heat and apply to the affected area .

The heat will melt any winnits of tag nuts into a paste which can easily be removed with a moist towel.

Peel the spud and add to the stew if desired.

An alternative would be to smear a good coating of ‘Winalot Super Meaty Paté ‘on the balloon knot and borrow a Labrador or Beagle.

Present the area to the animal and she will be licked clean as a young nuns hoop in no time.

There you go, my friend.

Solid advice there Brenner but sadly a bit late for this poster

Yesterday was not a pleasant day in Slideways world. Being on nightshift and having ones crapping schedule all out of whack didn’t help either.

Was rocking around on my chair like a kid on the special bus going to school. Had even contemplated introducing a finger to the tea towel holder to see if it would help.

Towards the end of the night as desperation set in I drank 2 large mugs of extra strong blend 43. The bubbling started almost instantly and my regrets at the over indulgence of Mr Nobbys pork cracklings were to be realised. It was like one of those corduroy brown snakes that culchies (and protestants) put under the living room door to stop the draught.

Well it’s lay with it’s nose on the porcelain merely mm away from the meat purse. Luckily I’m a stander when I wipe or I might have brushed it with my hand going under. With that kinda specimen the only thing to do was to leave it on display. Especially since we now have non-gender assigned dunnys

The good news is that whatever was irritating me was brought to it’s watery demise by the oversized gorillas thumb

Yours in relief
Slidey

JohnnyFlash · 26-05-2019 12:51pm

Slideways wrote: »

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I would have told him to wave a spud...about 4 mins 30 .

Let her cool a bit to tolerable heat and apply to the affected area .

The heat will melt any winnits of tag nuts into a paste which can easily be removed with a moist towel.

Peel the spud and add to the stew if desired.

An alternative would be to smear a good coating of ‘Winalot Super Meaty Paté ‘on the balloon knot and borrow a Labrador or Beagle.

Present the area to the animal and she will be licked clean as a young nuns hoop in no time.

There you go, my friend.

Solid advice there Brenner but sadly a bit late for this poster

Yesterday was not a pleasant day in Slideways world. Being on nightshift and having ones crapping schedule all out of whack didn’t help either.

Was rocking around on my chair like a kid on the special bus going to school. Had even contemplated introducing a finger to the tea towel holder to see if it would help.

Towards the end of the night as desperation set in I drank 2 large mugs of extra strong blend 43. The bubbling started almost instantly and my regrets at the over indulgence of Mr Nobbys pork cracklings were to be realised. It was like one of those corduroy brown snakes that culchies (and protestants) put under the living room door to stop the draught.

Well it’s lay with it’s nose on the porcelain merely mm away from the meat purse. Luckily I’m a stander when I wipe or I might have brushed it with my hand going under. With that kinda specimen the only thing to do was to leave it on display. Especially since we now have non-gender assigned dunnys

The good news is that whatever was irritating me was brought to it’s watery demise by the oversized gorillas thumb

Yours in relief
Slidey

Great to have a good news story here on Boards, as opposed the usual stuff of some arsehole complaining about politicians. Trying to work out how to solve your blockage must have had you stroking your chin? In great form now I would imagine? Have you anything planned to celebrate?

Sonny noggs · 26-05-2019 12:56pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Must have worked it out himself, probably with one of his fingers.

Or better yet, a maths teacher who worked it out with a pencil.

padd b1975 · 26-05-2019 1:06pm

Der Stier wrote: »

Nothing worse when you feel you need to go and just fart and a little bit of drittle comes out ....
Wet hole then and gave myself a ****in prostate exam when wiping my arse.

A shirt with generous tails is invaluable in such a situation.

Aglomerado · 26-05-2019 3:45pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

A shirt with generous tails is invaluable in such a situation.

...just don't accidentally tuck it into your undercrackers.

padd b1975 · 26-05-2019 4:22pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

...just don't accidentally tuck it into your undercrackers.

Huh??

That's exactly what I'd be doing.

No way am I running the risk of developing "nappy rash" for the sake of the cost of a shirt.

Swings and roundabouts.

Former Observer · 26-05-2019 6:57pm

Just off the bus back down from the return leg. Journey up was wretched. I'd stupidly wet a few fistfuls of toilet paper to make the panty liner and the phucking thing formed up into a ridge shaped saddle which kept stroking and grinding my buthole. Typical Irish bus. Heat turned up to 100, like a phucking furnace, with strong smell of farts and cheese and onion taytos in the air. Everytime I inched left or right on my seat there was a sound like a boot being pulled out of a bog ditch. Dopey bich next to me with pink dreadlocks and an infected eyebrow piercing kept scowling at me as I knocked back the pornstars. Smell of chite in the air.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments