What's the etiquette here??

Purple Mountain

Former Observer wrote: »

Just off the bus back down from the return leg. Journey up was wretched. I'd stupidly wet a few fistfuls of toilet paper to make the panty liner and the phucking thing formed up into a ridge shaped saddle which kept stroking and grinding my buthole. Typical Irish bus. Heat turned up to 100, like a phucking furnace, with strong smell of farts and cheese and onion taytos in the air. Everytime I inched left or right on my seat there was a sound like a boot being pulled out of a bog ditch. Dopey bich next to me with pink dreadlocks and an infected eyebrow piercing kept scowling at me as I knocked back the pornstars. Smell of chite in the air.

Time to buy yourself some wheels.

Hotblack Desiato

Slideways wrote: »

Lads, it feels like I have some shrapnel stuck in the muzzle. Have sat down since but if I keep straining I’m likely to end up with some arse grapes.

Sounds like a peanut stuck between the inner and outer sphincters.

An unfortunate turn of events and not a comfortable situation by any means.

I was going to suggest that rather than work the thing out, it'd probably be easier to push it in and let it depart on the next train as it were.

Anyway I see relief has been obtained.

Former Observer

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Sounds like a peanut stuck between the inner and outer sphincters

Not so sure. Obviously we'd need more input from the man himself to make a full diagnosis, but I reckon I had something similar myself, and it's less like a full nut caught somewhere between the purse mouth and inner sphincter, and more like a coarse grit lining the mucus membrane of the muscle and rectal valves. Imagine someone grinding up some M&Ms in a coffee grinder and applying the sharp and irregular material inside your anus with a gloved finger. It will create substantial discomfort and no matter how well you clean, it'll feel like you're in possession of a very sticky, itchy and dirty tunnel for at least 48 hours.

Der Stier

Went to a surprise party on Saturday - awful affair, like bloody weddings, hardly know anyone there and end up drinking out of boredom really - and eating too much.

Had been a bitt off in the bowel movements before this so was not the best of starts - especially as I started to horse all the bloody finger food/tapas on offer - again, bad idea as it's maximising chances of eating something dodgy + hard to tell the source afterwards.

Finally was chatting to an interesting guy that actually had a cool job and was telling me about it, when I felt the old coffee gurgle in the guts below, typical, I had been talking to a Fr. Purcell type chap moments before and I would have begged to **** myself to get away from the kent, but anyhow - I mumble an "excuse me one moment ... "
Slowly , trying to be casual, cos I can hardly leg it to the jacks at an event like this, I stroll to the traps, holding my arse cheeks together.

Oh yeah, another thing about this place - it had 2 ****ing traps for about 50 people - lovely.

The state of the place, piss all over the floor, I had to grab handfuls of bog roll to mob the floor as i didn't want piss on the levis, then the seat of course.

Made it just in time to shotgun blast the pewter with two kilos of loose yobble.
Followed by a nest of baby eels ... the relief was incalculable.

The fent tho - would have knocked dead a troop of bombay sewage workers plus a fully grown male elephant seal - and those f*ckers pong!
Some poor ****er waiting outside to use the trap after me .
I advised perhaps the ladies WC would be a better option.

Brendan Bendar

Was it a house party.... you should have at least ‘top decked’ the gaff.

Der Stier

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was it a house party.... you should have at least ‘top decked’ the gaff.

NAh, some bar they rented ... kip of a place, one room had two massive paintings, one lad holding his erect penis.
Other a woman with her legs open.

Andy Warhol style, fecking too much, there was kids at this party ffs!!

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was it a house party.... you should have at least ‘top decked’ the gaff.

Or the more controversial and student style prank of sh*tting on the coats.

JohnnyFlash

Ush1 wrote: »

Or the more controversial and student style prank of sh*tting on the coats.

Not a victimless crime.

Ush1

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not a victimless crime.

True, unlike punching someone in the dark.

Sonny noggs

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not a victimless crime.

Coats have feeling too?

Bob Harris

Brendan Bendar

Bob Harris wrote: »

Some sour Shinner would be the prime suspect.

Ush1

Where else are you supposed to snap off a grogan other than the jax?

Sonny noggs

Does that count as a spoiled vote?

Brendan Bendar

Not transferable I believe, it wasn’t clear the voters intent.

JohnnyFlash

There’s a digital inspection camera on sale in Lidl at the moment. Perhaps that lad Slideways should buy one just in case he needs to do a more thorough investigation of what’s causing him to get ‘bound up’?

padd b1975

Ush1 wrote: »

Where else are you supposed to snap off a grogan other than the jax?

Discussed in detail several pages back.

Der Stier

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

There’s a digital inspection camera on sale in Lidl at the moment. Perhaps that lad Slideways should buy one just in case he needs to do a more thorough investigation of what’s causing him to get ‘bound up’?

Digital inspection camera ?

JohnnyFlash

Der Stier wrote: »

Digital inspection camera ?

https://www.lidl.ie/en/special-offers.htm?articleId=19597

That thing. He could grease up the head of the camera, put the legs up on the table, and ease it in to see what has him blocked.

Der Stier

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

https://www.lidl.ie/en/special-offers.htm?articleId=19597

That thing. He could grease up the head of the camera, put the legs up on the table, and ease it in to see what has him blocked.

Jesus Christ!
Actually do they sell any temperature guns ?
I got one from amazon years ago but sent it back, the guy at the other end reluctantly accepted it as he said it passed the factory test - I told him well if water boils at 35C , then yeah, it's tip fucking top!!!


Refund returned.

Brendan Bendar

Der Stier wrote: »

Jesus Christ!
Actually do they sell any temperature guns ?
I got one from amazon years ago but sent it back, the guy at the other end reluctantly accepted it as he said it passed the factory test - I told him well if water boils at 35C , then yeah, it's tip fucking top!!!


Refund returned.

Use one of those meat thermometers lad, grease up the ‘stem’ and get the lass to call out the temp.

‘Beef rare’ is a normal reading apparently.

Don’t go above ‘Turkey rolled’.

Lad told me he took readings a few years back and the lass read out ‘Pork well’ nearly ‘spat’ it out with shock...turns out she had it upside down.

:eek:

Ush1

Talking about scat related pranks, plumber friend of mine told me he once came across the ol' boiled sh*te in a kettle. Said when he realised what had happened he just went into a murderous rage...

Pintman Paddy Losty

Ush1 wrote: »

Talking about scat related pranks, plumber friend of mine told me he once came across the ol' boiled sh*te in a kettle. Said when he realised what had happened he just went into a murderous rage...

Have heard of some vindictive ****ers taking a block of butter out of the fridge. Slicing it on half. Hollowing it out slightly and then inserting a turd before putting the halves back together and wrapping it all up in the foil again.

The victim then butters their toast for weeks to come before finding the hidden log. I imagine that discovery would be fairly distressing.

Brendan Bendar

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Have heard of some vindictive ****ers taking a block of butter out of the fridge. Slicing it on half. Hollowing it out slightly and then inserting a turd before putting the halves back together and wrapping it all up in the foil again.

The victim then butters their toast for weeks to come before finding the hidden log. I imagine that discovery would be fairly distressing.

Fairly!!!

Pintman Paddy Losty

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Fairly!!!

Some sick puppies out there brenner.

Aongus Von Bismarck

What a moronic thread.

Purple Mountain

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

What a moronic thread.

Tell us about your facilities for excretory matters so, Aongus.
Manual or electronic flush?
Probably motion sensor?

EmmetSpiceland

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Tell us about your facilities for excretory matters so, Aongus.
Manual or electronic flush?
Probably motion sensor?

Sounds like he hasn’t “used” the facilities for quite awhile, P.

tgdaly

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

What a moronic thread.

You need a good turnout

Aglomerado

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Tell us about your facilities for excretory matters so, Aongus.
Manual or electronic flush?
Probably motion sensor?

He probably logs his logs in a spreadsh(i)t.