What's the etiquette here??

Der Stier

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Have heard of some vindictive ****ers taking a block of butter out of the fridge. Slicing it on half. Hollowing it out slightly and then inserting a turd before putting the halves back together and wrapping it all up in the foil again.

The victim then butters their toast for weeks to come before finding the hidden log. I imagine that discovery would be fairly distressing.

And there's the line in the sand.
vile, just vile.

Ush1

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

What a moronic thread.

Very important to maintain a healthy anus.

Brendan Bendar

Indeed, just sprayed out a nice fawn sheet of loose drittle with good manifold pressure.

Emptied the tanks nicely.

Flushed away cleanly without fuss.

Very important business here.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Indeed, just sprayed out a nice fawn sheet of loose drittle with good manifold pressure.

Emptied the tanks nicely.

Flushed away cleanly without fuss.

Very important business here.

Loose drittle. I’d say there was as much paperwork getting that sorted as there is trying to buy a gaff in France.

Utter Consternation

I had a bit of a situation in work yesterday. I went down for my morning evacuation. All went well, a good solid movement and there was a solid fug in the air that you could cut with a butter knife.

Anyways, cut to the flush and there was nothing in the fcuking cistern. No flush. Fcuking thing was as dry as Gandhi's sandal. Bizarrely there was water coming out of the taps but the cisterns weren't filling.

To be fair, i actually didn't give a bollocks, my main priority was to offload successfully but i did feel guilty about the wojus bang of sh1te that was going to hang around the jacks for the day. This has happened before and the maintenance lad for our building takes fcuking ages to get his finger out.

I exited stage left fairly sharpish. I didn't want anyone to associate me with what had gone on before.

I went down for a slash later and saw one of my colleagues, with an ashen visage, filling the electric kettle in the sink and pouring the water into the cistern of the jacks. Poor cnut was green around the gills.

Not ideal for him if you're dying for a sh1te and you have to flush away someones rancid turd before you 'get down to business.'

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I went down for a slash later and saw one of my colleagues, with an ashen visage, filling the electric kettle in the sink and pouring the water into the cistern of the jacks. Poor cnut was green around the gills.

Fair play to the lad. I’ve been in this situation before and just dropped my own log on top of the last fellah’s. Depending on the stickiness/weight of the turds, you’ll sometimes get “a rider”, with your own turd grasping to the back of the master turd.

JohnnyFlash

Complex situation for Utter. Caustic soda or sulphuric acid will liquidise and get rid of even the most obstinate and belligerent of logs. However you can’t just leave a bowl full of liquidised ****e and dangerous chemicals there without flushing it away. Imagine doing that and hearing the agonising screams of one of your colleagues who went into the pewter palace and dropped one from a height, but got some serious splashback and a ‘plop’ of sulphuric acid right into his hoop? You couldn’t live with the shame. Unless he was a cünt.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Complex situation for Utter. Caustic soda or sulphuric acid will liquidise and get rid of even the most obstinate and belligerent of logs. However you can’t just leave a bowl full of liquidised ****e and dangerous chemicals there without flushing it away. Imagine doing that and hearing the agonising screams of one of your colleagues who went into the pewter palace and dropped one from a height, but got some serious splashback and a ‘plop’ of sulphuric acid right into his hoop? You couldn’t live with the shame. Unless he was a cünt.

My conscience is clear Johnny. I'm not a fcuking janitor.

Top marks to my colleague for using his initiative though. Some people under pressure can really come up with the goods.

Hotblack Desiato

Der Stier wrote: »

NAh, some bar they rented ... kip of a place, one room had two massive paintings, one lad holding his erect penis.
Other a woman with her legs open.

Andy Warhol style, fecking too much, there was kids at this party ffs!!

I once ate at a restaurant in Kilkenny (it's closed now) which had a massive mural of Pope John Paul II, kiddie fiddler Eamon Casey and jailbait fiddler / father of the year Michael Cleary covering a whole wall

Would rather have been looking at the pics you describe, tbh.

Back on topic - didn't have any jacks-related misadventures at that place, sorry.

Hotblack Desiato

Had similar lack of flush action at work once, went into the cleaner's cupboard next door, grabbed a big bucket, threw bucket of water down jacks, locked door from outside, put up sign and reported faulty jacks

I should get (sh)itizen Of The Year

Hotblack Desiato

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Tell us about your facilities for excretory matters so, Aongus.
Manual or electronic flush?
Probably motion sensor?

I'm getting more of a late period Howard Hughes vibe.

Hector Savage

Originally Posted by Purple Mountain View Post
Tell us about your facilities for excretory matters so, Aongus.
Manual or electronic flush?
Probably motion sensor?

Whatever his parents have , he's still 19 living at home "studying" creative writing...

Utter Consternation

Bit of bad news. The jacks in work are still on the fritz. Something wrong with the pump. I'm fairly fooking bursting for a sh1te and the jacks down there is like a fcuking gas chamber after nearly a full two days of no flushing.

Just going to have to hold it in until i get home. In three hours.

padd b1975

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Bit of bad news. The jacks in work are still on the fritz. Something wrong with the pump. I'm fairly fooking bursting for a sh1te and the jacks down there is like a fcuking gas chamber after nearly a full two days of no flushing.

Just going to have to hold it in until i get home. In three hours.

Have you done a full recce of the area?

Is there anything you can squat behind?

Bullocks

padd b1975 wrote: »

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Bit of bad news.  The jacks in work are still on the fritz.  Something wrong with the pump.  I'm fairly fooking bursting for a sh1te and the jacks down there is like a fcuking gas chamber after nearly a full two days of no flushing.  

Just going to have to hold it in until i get home.  In three hours.  :(

Have you done a full recce of the area?

Is there anything you can squat behind?

I was plastering a house for a lad years ago but there was no facilities and no cover really anywhere around the fields . Best I could do was hop into the field out the back and squat against the wall out of sight . As I was dropping grout I felt a hand on my head ! It was your mans ould lad . "Jaysus Bullocks were ya caught short ? Will you bury that when you're ready good lad ". I don't know why he left his hand on my head but it was hard to fully empty after that

Hal3000

The stalls in our place are utterly disgusting and getting worse. Some days lads just come in, casually have enormous farts, and then walk out, without even doing their business. WTF is up with that? A horrendous experience when your in a stall by yourself. Gassed by some mysterious plonker in a monkey suit. I now try and identify them by their shoes because that's all I can see of these cowards when I'm on the pot.

Also, the brazeness of a man who can squelch out rotten depth charges in a opposing stall and then try and spark up a conversation when you both come out of the stall is beyond me. I couldn't even look a person in the eye never mind talk to them after doing something like that! I get SO anxious now when some paltry oaf lands in the opposite stall. It's so bad I put my headphones on to drown out the disgusting sounds of these pigs.

Doctors room ghost

Have a dose of the wild sh1tes this past two days.Not good.going having a feed of rhubarb now to see will it settle things.a bowl of stewed rhubarb and custard warmed.
Ate fcuk all today.
The septic tank took a hammering

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Bit of bad news. The jacks in work are still on the fritz. Something wrong with the pump. I'm fairly fooking bursting for a sh1te and the jacks down there is like a fcuking gas chamber after nearly a full two days of no flushing.

Just going to have to hold it in until i get home. In three hours.

3 hours until you got home? Hmmmmm. You strike me as a semi state or civil service sort. Surprised you didn’t ‘clock off’ around 2 and hit the local watering hole to empty your ‘dinner tray’ before spending the afternoon lashing back the porter and gambling on the racing from Brighton.

armaghlad

I have no time for people who defecate at work. Like, I know sometimes one gets caught short but it’s as if some people in our place make a point of sitting down to business during work hours. We have one toilet for about 30 staff and it’s the same offenders who spend upwards of 20 minutes in the toilet. The staff toilet is, naturally, accessed via the staff room. So it gets fairly unpleasant when some of the cretins decide they’ll not enjoy the solitude and privacy of their own bathroom at home but instead will wait until they get to work to literally get paid to take a sh*te. And then force whatever unfortunate is in the staff room at that time to sample their disgusting odours. Absolutely shameless.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

3 hours until you got home? Hmmmmm. You strike me as a semi state or civil service sort. Surprised you didn’t ‘clock off’ around 2 and hit the local watering hole to empty your ‘dinner tray’ before spending the afternoon lashing back the porter and gambling on the racing from Brighton.

Eh no one asked you to make an assessment on utters employment status. Totally irrelavent to the discussion. Just have some empathy and compassion for his predicament.

Hal3000

armaghlad wrote: »

I have no time for people who defecate at work. Like, I know sometimes one gets caught short but it’s as if some people in our place make a point of sitting down to business during work hours. We have one toilet for about 30 staff and it’s the same offenders who spend upwards of 20 minutes in the toilet. The staff toilet is, naturally, accessed via the staff room. So it gets fairly unpleasant when some of the cretins decide they’ll not enjoy the solitude and privacy of their own bathroom at home but instead will wait until they get to work to literally get paid to take a sh*te. And then force whatever unfortunate is in the staff room at that time to sample their disgusting odours. Absolutely shameless.

I throughly agree. Have a crap at home or go to a Supermacs or something. Or if you see an engaged stall then simply walk away and wade it out in the reception or canteen . These people have no shame. How could you live with yourself knowing that you might be in a meeting with the guy in the next stall who's just had a front row seat at one of your intimate digusting logs. I'm baffled by how people think this is OK.

gerrybbadd

I'm below in Trabolgan with herself and the kids since last Friday and will be here until this friday. By **** is the food bad. I haven't had a solid shyte in 7 days at this stage.

Gallons of cow Pats.

To make matters worse, I'm booked into an all you can eat Indian / Chinese job tomorrow night. I intend on overdoing it in fine fashion.

Everything is mental expensive here. They've a shop on site, and virtually everything has a €1 premium attached to the price.

I'm definitely leaving a top decker loaf in one of the Jack's before I leave

gerrybbadd

armaghlad wrote: »

I have no time for people who defecate at work. Like, I know sometimes one gets caught short but it’s as if some people in our place make a point of sitting down to business during work hours. We have one toilet for about 30 staff and it’s the same offenders who spend upwards of 20 minutes in the toilet. The staff toilet is, naturally, accessed via the staff room. So it gets fairly unpleasant when some of the cretins decide they’ll not enjoy the solitude and privacy of their own bathroom at home but instead will wait until they get to work to literally get paid to take a sh*te. And then force whatever unfortunate is in the staff room at that time to sample their disgusting odours. Absolutely shameless.

I'll bet your the kinda fella that puts the toaster into a press when you're finished with it.

No shame in a work shyte. When nature calls, heed it's cry

Hotblack Desiato

Hal3000 wrote: »

The stalls in our place are utterly disgusting and getting worse. Some days lads just come in, casually have enormous farts, and then walk out, without even doing their business. WTF is up with that?

If you can't fart in the jacks, where can you fart ffs?
Maybe they're being considerate by not doing it outside in the office.

armaghlad wrote: »

We have one toilet for about 30 staff

Illegal

The staff toilet is, naturally, accessed via the staff room.

Also illegal.
Any toilet (except an en-suite used only by those sleeping in the attached bedroom) has to open onto a ventilated lobby.
This is why the jacks is usually beside the lifts/stairs in an office block.

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm below in Trabolgan with herself and the kids since last Friday and will be here until this friday. By **** is the food bad. I haven't had a solid shyte in 7 days at this stage.

Nothing to do with the porter consumption on holiday, of course?

Is it true that most of the guests at that place are what you might call extremely well-travelled?

Bullocks

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Hal3000 wrote: »

The stalls in our place are utterly disgusting and getting worse. Some days lads just come in, casually have enormous farts, and then walk out, without even doing their business. WTF is up with that?

If you can't fart in the jacks, where can you fart ffs?
Maybe they're being considerate by not doing it outside in the office.

armaghlad wrote: »

We have one toilet for about 30 staff

Illegal

The staff toilet is, naturally, accessed via the staff room.

Also illegal.
Any toilet (except an en-suite used only by those sleeping in the attached bedroom) has to open onto a ventilated lobby.
This is why the jacks is usually beside the lifts/stairs in an office block.

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm below in Trabolgan with herself and the kids since last Friday and will be here until this friday. By **** is the food bad. I haven't had a solid shyte in 7 days at this stage.

Nothing to do with the porter consumption on holiday, of course?

Is it true that most of the guests at that place are what you might call extremely well-travelled?

It's an experience down there. We booked a week there one time and left after the second night. Parents loaded during the Barney evening show and 12 Yr old begging fags off them. Some parents actually gave them a fag .....

Hotblack Desiato

Bullocks wrote: »

It's an experience down there. We booked a week there one time and left after the second night. Parents loaded during the Barney evening show and 12 Yr old begging fags off them. Some parents actually gave them a fag .....

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we can't have nice things.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

3 hours until you got home? Hmmmmm. You strike me as a semi state or civil service sort. Surprised you didn’t ‘clock off’ around 2 and hit the local watering hole to empty your ‘dinner tray’ before spending the afternoon lashing back the porter and gambling on the racing from Brighton.

Assumptions make an ass of you, Johnny. You make quite a lot of them. Just saying.

Hit the jacks running when i got home. Not fcuking good having to keep natures call on hold for too long.

It's rather upsetting.

EmmetSpiceland

Had a dreadful experience at my, daily, 10:30 “appointment”. Forgot my phone. While I do believe it’s good for your mental health to get away from the screen every now and then I really don’t think the work, or public, toilets is the place for it. It’s all too “real”.

Every sound seemed amplified. Every grunt, cough, fart, splat and splash. It’s just not a great point to be left alone with your thoughts.

You look around and there’s not a lot to see, the crude scratches of graffiti on the paper dispenser, the hook on the back of the door and the nose deposits wiped on the walls. Who even does that? And why?! There’s tissues right there, literally.

Anyway, I got through it. Although, in my haste that caused me to forget the phone I also forgot to put down the “buffer” so was thoroughly splashed.

I’m back in the same cubicle now, just getting back the ten minutes I felt utterly cheated out of earlier on.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Dropped the pants today at 2.10. Wide cylindrical loaf light brown in colour spat out into the toilet bowl followed immediately by major expulsion of odorless gas for what must have been six or seven seconds. Seems like the loaf was acting like a cork in a bottle of prosecco. Had the new veggie burger in McDonalds yesterday and I'm certain that is the root cause. Absolutely woeful food item by the way. Small and limp in the hand, insipid taste, but worst of all.. INSTEAD OF ONE PATTY WHO PUTS TWO FISHFINGER SHAPED PATTIES IN A BURGER BUN? IT'S ABSOLUTELY STUPID. ONE SLIDES OUT WHEN YOU'RE BITING INTO THE OTHER OR WHEN YOU APPLY EVEN THE MOST MINUTE AMOUNT OF PRESSURE WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS TO THE SURFACE AREA OF THE BURGER BUN. THESE 'BOFFINS' IN HALLYWOOD ARE MAKING A FORTUNE COMING UP WITH THE STUPIDEST IDEAS IMAGINABLE. BURGER KING, NOW THERE IS A GOOD VEGGIE BURGER (ALSO MAKES ME PUMP OUT STINKING WET CORNMEAL AND PORRIDGE AND GAS AND CHUNKS OF HALF DIGESTED CHICKPEA), BUT AGAIN, THERE ARE TWO FISH FINGERS IN THEIR "FISH BURGER" I MEAN SERIOUSLY NOW, WTF, BOFFINS ME HOLE

Hotblack Desiato

...aaaand relax.

If you're a veggie why would you be eating in BK or McDs?

If you're not a veggie and were in BK or McDs why on earth would you be ordering a veggie or fish "burger". Abominable things.