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Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

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    #152
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    sligojoek wrote: »
    Laxatives, I'd say. It was no accident.

    Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.


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    #153
    The Enbalmer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭The Enbalmer


    A large Fray Bentos steak n kidney,a net of satsumas,a deep-fried cream egg and a bottle of Schooner sherry.


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    #154
    Cody montana
    Registered Users Posts: 5,234 ✭✭✭Cody montana


    I took a dump in the shower once.
    True story.


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    #155
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,058 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.

    Nailed that one John, had a good feed of Bombay Mix + last weekend and had a severe ‘surge’ in the bilges the following day. Pointed the brown eye at the pewter, held her on the clutch and spooled up big time.

    Unfortunately lost control and sprayed the pan with gouts of spicey midden which if I am being honest,left a pretty large ‘damage footprint’ on the units and toilet furniture.

    So. Bombay Mix is one thing but Bombay Mix Plus is a dangerous animal after a feed of porther.

    Beware folks, just posting to advise of this issue.

    Could happen to you- at a visit to the in-laws.


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    #156
    The Enbalmer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭The Enbalmer


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.

    Nailed that one John, had a good feed of Bombay Mix + last weekend and had a severe ‘surge’ in the bilges the following day. Pointed the brown eye at the pewter, held her on the clutch and spooled up big time.

    Unfortunately lost control and sprayed the pan with gouts of spicey midden which if I am being honest, a pretty large ‘damage footprint’ on the units and toilet furniture.

    So. Bombay Mix is one thing but Bombay Mix Plus is a dangerous animal after a feed of porther.

    Beware folks, just posting to advise of this issue.

    Could happen to you- at a visit to the in-laws.

    Did you find the spicy coating on the mix burned the ring off you when expelling the sour runnell?


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    #157
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,058 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Cody montana wrote: »
    I took a dump in the shower once.
    True story.

    Did you ‘ toe it out’?


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    #158
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,058 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    The Enbalmer wrote: »
    Did you find the spicy coating on the mix burned the ring off you when expelling the sour runnell?

    Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

    The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .


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    #159
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,058 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

    The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .

    https://goo.gl/images/BrxVba


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    #160
    Ush1
    Registered Users Posts: 11,461 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

    The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .

    Been there after an Inferno from Four Star. My poor balloon knot was like a baboons the next day.


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    #161
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,748 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    I read if you sh*t in the cistern, it cleans the toilet as you flush.

    Go on, someone give it a go and report back.


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    #162
    padd b1975
    Registered Users Posts: 10,703 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Did you ‘ toe it out’?

    I'd say sieving it through the grate with the heel of the foot would be more your style Bren.


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    #163
    Pints?
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭Pints?


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    I read if you sh*t in the cistern, it cleans the toilet as you flush.

    Go on, someone give it a go and report back.

    I believe that's known as an Upper Decker


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    #164
    Floppybits
    Registered Users Posts: 7,533 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    We have someone in here that decided that they would discard their used toilet paper not in the bowl like normal folks but just throw it on the floor after wiping.


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    #165
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,058 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    I'd say sieveng it through the grate with the heel of the foot would be more your style Bren.

    I beg your pardon P.

    No, doing that would put all the pressure on your left foot and leave one very susceptible to a slip and end up in a messy heap.

    *

    No, the toe method is much more ergenomic and safer, the weight is on the ball of the foot rather than the sole,much safer.

    Much more control too,like, try to move something with a locked wrist?

    You’ll shift the big stuff allright, but the smaller stuff will escape you and still be there next week.
    Not a good scenario.

    * assuming right footer depositer.


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    #166
    Stab*City
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭Stab*City




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    #167
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Just take a shît before you go to the pub. Then don’t go for a piss until you’ve had at least 6 pints. This stuff isn’t rocket science, pal.

    unless you're drinking Bulmers Pear Cider

    one of the all-time great boards threads

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=60384215


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    #168
    padd b1975
    Registered Users Posts: 10,703 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    I beg your pardon P.

    No, doing that would put all the pressure on your left foot and leave one very susceptible to a slip and end up in a messy heap.

    *

    No, the toe method is much more ergenomic and safer, the weight is on the ball of the foot rather than the sole,much safer.

    Much more control too,like, try to move something with a locked wrist?

    You’ll shift the big stuff allright, but the smaller stuff will escape you and still be there next week.
    Not a good scenario.

    * assuming right footer depositer.

    Apologies Brendan, my post could have been taken as advice.

    The last thing I'd want to do is create any needless embarrassment with ambulance staff, triage nurse, firemen etc

    Wasn't thinking.


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    #169
    feargale
    Registered Users Posts: 8,636 ✭✭✭feargale


    Cody montana wrote: »
    I took a dump in the shower once.
    True story.

    It's one thing to brag about it under the anonymous cover of the internet, but I would advise you in a friendly way not publicly divulge it using your real name, because the story could follow you for life, and sometime after you have grown up you could be deeply embarrassed about it. You are clearly immune to embarrassment at the moment.


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    #170
    The Enbalmer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭The Enbalmer


    feargale wrote: »
    Cody montana wrote: »
    I took a dump in the shower once.
    True story.

    It's one thing to brag about it under the anonymous cover of the internet, but I would advise you in a friendly way not publicly divulge it using your real name, because the story could follow you for life, and sometime after you have grown up you could be deeply embarrassed about it. You are clearly immune to embarrassment at the moment.


    I regularly brag about the time I shat in somebody's bath at a party and put a facecloth over it.

    Still makes me chuckle out of sheer badness.


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    #171
    Cody montana
    Registered Users Posts: 5,234 ✭✭✭Cody montana


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Did you ‘ toe it out’?

    I squashed it down the drain.
    It was in a hostel as well.
    😳


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    #172
    The Enbalmer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭The Enbalmer


    Cody montana wrote: »
    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Did you ‘ toe it out’?

    I squashed it down the drain.
    It was in a hostel as well.
    😳

    Good work.

    I shat the bed in a hostel pretty good after a feed of mythos and gyros in the fair city of athens.

    I waited til the aussie backpackers had pissed off for the day and swapped one of the birds's nice clean bedclothes for my own,drenched as they were in what I like to call Black Poison.
    Anyways,I make the bed up all nice like,hand my key into reception and got the hell out of there.


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    #173
    GinAndBitter
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 746 ✭✭✭GinAndBitter


    My brother had a weird thing going there for a while, he would piss in people's sinks, at first he said it was a convenience thing, no piss on the seat, no leaving the seat up. After a while it just became a thing "he had to do". Strange guy.


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    #174
    Kevin Finnerty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,254 ✭✭✭Kevin Finnerty


    GinAndBitter wrote: »
    My brother had a weird thing going there for a while, he would piss in people's sinks, at first he said it was a convenience thing, no piss on the seat, no leaving the seat up. After a while it just became a thing "he had to do". Strange guy.

    Ha. "My brother".
    Lived in an allgemeine wohnung or some such myself 20 years ago in Germany whereby there was a sink in each bedroom and a communal jax. Needless to say the sinks doubled up as pisspots.And sometimes trebled up. So the lads said anyway...


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    #175
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    The Enbalmer wrote: »
    Good work.

    I shat the bed in a hostel pretty good after a feed of mythos and gyros in the fair city of athens.

    I waited til the aussie backpackers had pissed off for the day and swapped one of the birds's nice clean bedclothes for my own,drenched as they were in what I like to call Black Poison.
    Anyways,I make the bed up all nice like,hand my key into reception and got the hell out of there.


    Heard of a lad doing a ‘round the world’ a few years back. His heart was broken as he had to share a dorm room with a load of Aussie backpackers. Cûnts called Hayden and Nate and the like.
    Anyways, he was feeling very ropey after a feed or dodgy local Thai street food the night before. And the Aussies had headed out to some temple to be rude, loud, and obnoxious. Felt a ‘whittering’ on the badge and knew instinctively that things weren’t going to be pleasant. Squat toilets don’t help if you’ve the possibility of ‘scatter gun with buckshot’. The vindictive ****er saw a sleeping bag on a bed across the room, hopped over, and unloaded a few litres of watery scutter into it. Folded the thing up, and decided to check out a day early.


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    #176
    sligojoek
    Registered Users Posts: 25,420 ✭✭✭✭sligojoek


    The story of the lad pissing in the sink reminds me of this story I told a few years back.
    Quite a good thread too.
    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=96898048&postcount=199
    Back in the late 80s I Worked for a friend of my father's in a pub in England. One of the perks was a big room on the 3rd storey of one of his houses. I had to share this room with my bosses younger brother. We'll call him davey. He deserves a thread all to himself.
    Anyway, An old friend of Davey's arrived from San Fran and was thinking of hanging around for a few weeks before he went home to Ireland. Davey asked me was it OK for his mate to kip in a sleeping bag on our floor . No problem.

    He turned out to be a complete nutter. He'd come in pissed every night , lie on the bed and say "Boy, am I pissed?" in an american accent every 30 seconds. At weekends he used to play The Pogues "And the Band Played Waltzing matilda" over and over.

    There was a sink in the bedroom for shaving, brushing teeth etc. One night after a session he got up and went to the ground floor for a piss. There was someone else in the toillet so he said he'd run back up to the room and piss in the sink. Howver he lost count of the stairs and ran into Big Patsy's room turned and started pissing. Instead of pissing into the sink he pissed into the cot of a 6 month old baby. I can still hear the slaps he got.

    Even if that never happened, he was getting the door the following day anyway. Before he came home from the pub he tried touching up the wife of the landlord (of the pub and his bedroom).


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    #177
    TCM
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭TCM


    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    I was at a wedding myself before Christmas, Brendan, and can confirm that they appear to bring out a more 'primal' side to some people. Typical rural wedding - red-faced lads in Dunnes Stores suits horsing into the pints in a pub across the road from the church before the ceremony had even started; some fûcking animal let a 'Helena Bonham' go that would strip paint off a trawler just as the priest was conducting the marriage rites, almost a crush at the counter once people heard there was a free bar for an hour - etc etc.

    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    Anyways it was about 8PM, and I needed to visit the facilities to 'park the breakfast'. I was taking my time as the beer was beginning to kick in, and I had just spent the previous hour sitting beside some tedious kent rambling on about caravan holidays in France. My time of peace and solitude was ruined though by some lad heading into the cubicle next to mine. Heard the sound of him dropping the kecks, perching on the bowl, letting a loud sigh go, then he 'disengaged the airbrakes', set the 'cabin crew doors to manual', and uploaded a bowel full of loose 'yobble' in about 5 seconds flat. Followed through with a chuckle and a 'string of pearls'; then I could hear him breathing heavily.

    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    I was at a wedding myself before Christmas, Brendan, and can confirm that they appear to bring out a more 'primal' side to some people. Typical rural wedding - red-faced lads in Dunnes Stores suits horsing into the pints in a pub across the road from the church before the ceremony had even started; some fûcking animal let a 'Helena Bonham' go that would strip paint off a trawler just as the priest was conducting the marriage rites, almost a crush at the counter once people heard there was a free bar for an hour - etc etc.

    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    Anyways it was about 8PM, and I needed to visit the facilities to 'park the breakfast'. I was taking my time as the beer was beginning to kick in, and I had just spent the previous hour sitting beside some tedious kent rambling on about caravan holidays in France. My time of peace and solitude was ruined though by some lad heading into the cubicle next to mine. Heard the sound of him dropping the kecks, perching on the bowl, letting a loud sigh go, then he 'disengaged the airbrakes', set the 'cabin crew doors to manual', and uploaded a bowel full of loose 'yobble' in about 5 seconds flat. Followed through with a chuckle and a 'string of pearls'; then I could hear him breathing heavily.

    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    I finished my ablations and left the cubicle in disgust. Washed my hands and turned around to head to the hand dryer. There was your man, cubicle door open, fast asleep, with the suit trousers around his ankle, and his peg pulsing out piss every time the belly expanded as he breathed out. In fairness, he wasn't seen at the reception for the rest of the night, and the rumour was that his missus made him sleep in the car that night.

    JohnnyFlash wrote:
    What is wrong with these people?

    That's good. I can picture the scene.


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    #178
    sligojoek
    Registered Users Posts: 25,420 ✭✭✭✭sligojoek


    I'm now reminded of the said Davey in the above post. Another tulip. He'd sh1te for Ireland.

    One night after getting off with a woman they went back to her place, did the deed and fell asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night and felt the un-reversable pressure on the starfish. No time to go looking for the potty in a strange house, found a newspaper , squatted down and let go. He wrapped the whole lot up and slid it under the bed. After cleaning up he decided to get outta Dodge but she woke as he was leaving and got the dreaded pong. It didn't take her long to find the evidence. As she was pulling it out he said, "Don't believe everything you see in the paper", and did a runner.


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    #179
    sligojoek
    Registered Users Posts: 25,420 ✭✭✭✭sligojoek


    Another Monday morning Davey arrived into the pub where I worked (his brother's pub by the way) called for a pint and headed off to the small room. Came back 10 mins later and tore into said pint. Soon after his brother arrived down and did his usual cursory checks around the place. He ran out of the bog empty reaching and arrived back with a fire tongs and a plastic bag and headed back in. On his arrival back out the conversation went something like this.

    Davey: What's wrong?

    Jim: Ah some fucker sh1t his underpants and tried to flush them down the jacks.

    Davey: The dirty ba$tard.

    As soon as Jim left with the bag of goods, Davey left to go. I asked him where he was off to. He winked and said "Down town to buy a pair of boxers".


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    #180
    The Enbalmer
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭The Enbalmer


    Got a dicky stomach on holidays in portugal once.

    Had been drinking heavily for a week until I drank the tapwater from the hotel one morning.

    Had a quick bit of breakfast then headed down the pub in time for opening at 10 am.

    Few nice pints later I felt what I assumed to be a soapy fart gathering in the bilges so I put down my pint,stood up and cocked my leg to let fly.
    Instead of a gust of gas I squirted a heavy gout of foul-smelling scutter down the leg of my baggy shorts and onto the floor where it sat there fulminating.
    The barman could tell from my face something was wrong so as he headed over to see what was up I grabbed a handfull of napkins and wedged them in my gusset to prevent any further leakage and got the hell out of there just as the first of the punters became aware of the horrible,stomach-grabbing stench.

    A funny postscript is that on the way back to my fleapit hotel I staggered face first into a tree and knocked myself unconscious..woke up a few mins later covered in blood and my shorts bulging with sticky excreta where I'd lost control of my guts.
    Great holiday,mind.


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    #181
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    The Enbalmer wrote: »
    Got a dicky stomach on holidays in portugal once.

    Had been drinking heavily for a week until I drank the tapwater from the hotel one morning.

    Had a quick bit of breakfast then headed down the pub in time for opening at 10 am.

    Few nice pints later I felt what I assumed to be a soapy fart gathering in the bilges so I put down my pint,stood up and cocked my leg to let fly.
    Instead of a gust of gas I squirted a heavy gout of foul-smelling scutter down the leg of my baggy shorts and onto the floor where it sat there fulminating.
    The barman could tell from my face something was wrong so as he headed over to see what was up I grabbed a handfull of napkins and wedged them in my gusset to prevent any further leakage and got the hell out of there just as the first of the punters became aware of the horrible,stomach-grabbing stench.

    A funny postscript is that on the way back to my fleapit hotel I staggered face first into a tree and knocked myself unconscious..woke up a few mins later covered in blood and my shorts bulging with sticky excreta where I'd lost control of my guts.
    Great holiday,mind.


    Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.


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