Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

Was on a feed of Tagus I would suggest.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was on a feed of Tagus I would suggest.

Never tried it, but haven’t heard good reports. That fella Pintman was telling me he got caught badly short on a golf course in the Algarve after consuming about 10 pints of it the night before. Was on the old ‘Bolivian marching powder’ as well. Was just about to take a difficult 6 footer for par when he felt severe cramps down in the ‘boiler room’. Had to run over to the nearest pot bunker, drop the tartan golf shorts, and unloaded a length of bumbilical cord onto the freshly raked sand.

Didn’t even bother raking afterwards (Silloge Park member) and was heard complaining in the clubhouse afterwards that the reason he shot 80 for the back 9 was because some sand lodged in the sheriffs badge.

Zero class.

Wibbs

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

bumbilical cord

I'm sending you a bill for my keyboard after tea came shooting out my nose. :pac:

sligojoek

A lad I know has a beautiful old cottage and garden in Connemara. He gets annoyed when too many tourists come from the local BnB taking pics.

Here's an email I got from him a few years ago.

I hadta get up early round 6 am to piss but then awful dose of c**tscour hit wit vengeance so wit cool,calculating,deliberation i ran out onto the c***** road & emptied my arse right in the middle of it, now all the tourists are staring at it when walkin over the road from michael *****'s b&b, there's no rain ta wash it away & because road so narrow & it in the middle of the road even a car cant run over it so looks like it'll be there for a long time! Looks like a king cobra thats coiled up & a pointy top on it like from an ice cream machine - never let it be said i did'nt do my bit for the tourist industry

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

I think the beer was called Super Bock..i usually stashed a couple of cans the night before so I could have an early morning eye-opener on awaking.

Was drinking later with a bunch of English bowsies when I realised all I'd had to eat in three days was an apple.

"Well, that'll keep the doctor away,Paddy!"

I'll drink to that me old limey segosha!

branie2

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

ELM327

branie2 wrote: »

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

Flushing the toilet doesn't help if you've dumped in the cistern

razorblunt

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

Sounds like a Sagres or Cristal thunder.

JohnnyFlash

branie2 wrote: »

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

Good for you, pal.

BobMc

Lads some priceless stories, I'm in a weakness reading them

The Enbalmer

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

Floppybits

Jesus had a close call there. The person who designed this place, who thought its a good idea to have a toilet with 2 cubicles beside the canteen and put one with 8 cubicles 2 minutes away is a sick individual. Trying to make it to the toilet while your stomach is churning away and you know you are a few seconds from flood gates opening, then you make it to the toilet and every cubicle is full except the one where someone has put a roll of bog roll down it. Well beggars cant be choosers.

Brendan Bendar

sligojoek wrote: »

A lad I know has a beautiful old cottage and garden in Connemara. He gets annoyed when too many tourists come from the local BnB taking pics.

Here's an email I got from him a few years ago.

He shoulda popped an Irish flag on it if he was that proud.

Like the lad at work who left a solid girthy ‘King Edward’ lolling in the pan and popped a Lithuanian flag on it.

Must have had a hoop like the sleeve of an overcoat:mad:

Duffryman

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

Also....I've never understood why they complain to men that they don't like having to touch toilet seats to put them back down, 'because they're dirty'.

Their arses are on the seats more often than ours. It's other women they should be complaining to, about the smelly dirty arses they must have.

Dakotabigone

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

You need to urinate sitting down if you are destroying the toilet in piss.

JohnnyFlash

Dakotabigone wrote: »

You need to urinate sitting down if you are destroying the toilet in piss.

Stupid suggestion. Refer to OldGoat’s excellent post from earlier in the thread about the complex range of factors that can influence the accuracy of a male piss. Chicks need to be more understanding of this.

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Stupid suggestion. Refer to OldGoat’s excellent post from earlier in the thread about the complex range of factors that can influence the accuracy of a male piss. Chicks need to be more understanding of this.

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Brendan Bendar

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Could I suggest that a piss to left might drench a stack of ‘Spangle Mags ‘and perhaps a scattering of the Debenhams Lingerie Catalogues.

The Enbalmer

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Could I suggest that a piss to left might drench a stack of ‘Spangle Mags ‘and perhaps a scattering of the Debenhams Lingerie Catalogues.

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

JohnnyFlash

When the internet is brought down in an act of warfare then the man with 15 boxes of ‘gentleman’s art pamphlets’ in the attic will be King.

Brendan Bendar

The Enbalmer wrote: »

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

E... I unreservedly apologise for those badly thought out suggestions.

I would not jump to conclusions about the ironed-in piss stain, lad probably had a few ‘wet coins ‘ in his pocket .Scattering of ‘forget-me -nots’ if you will.

Doubt if it was a deposit of ‘knuckle glitter’ though.

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

When the internet is brought down in an act of warfare then the man with 15 boxes of ‘gentleman’s art pamphlets’ in the attic will be King.

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

The Enbalmer

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

E... I unreservedly apologise for those badly thought out suggestions.

I would not jump to conclusions about the ironed-in piss stain, lad probably had a few ‘wet coins ‘ in his pocket .Scattering of ‘forget-me -nots’ if you will.

Doubt if it was a deposit of ‘knuckle glitter’ though.

Nah,it looked like the fcucker was a sink-pisser..zip up too early while the flute is above the level of the sink to avoid getting piss on the lino.

Resulting few drops of urine fall back into the trousers and spread through osmosis across the draylon. The auld urea leaches into the clothes and forms a coating of saltpetre that should never be ironed.

By the purple puss on the cnunt I'd say he was wearing the suit when he decided to iron it.

Filthy degenerate

JohnnyFlash

The Enbalmer wrote: »

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

Probably see a return to more old-fashioned activities such as saddle sniffing, robbing delicates from the neighbours clothesline, and spying on nudie beaches from the relative safety of a sand dune.

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

That attic would end up being your tomb once word got out.

Probably see a return to more old-fashioned activities such as saddle sniffing, robbing delicates from the neighbours clothesline, and spying on nudie beaches from the relative safety of a sand dune.

I do hope so.
I can return to my previous life as a flasher.

sligojoek

From a festival I was at in 2010

DJIMI TRARORE

This one goes back to the mid nineties,quiet Fri evening,6/7 o'clock. Mate arrives in,having stopped coming home from college to take advantage of a Beamish promotion tells us he'd swallowed 12 pints( believeable) and proceeded to horse another 5/6 Guinness into him b4 heading for the toilet. 30 mins later barman asks if "Paddy" has gone home. I said no,jacks and he asks me to check on him. In I go to the urinal area and the ****e is splattered 4-5 feet of the ground around the whole 4 walls,I puke my guts up,check the cubicle,it's like something out of a nuclear explosion,no sign of the mate so I knock on ladies door,no answer so I go in and find him covered in **** and his trousers around his ankles lying in the middle of the floor. I call the barman who quickly empties the pub and he still drinks there,but it was never mentioned. PS: he got the blame for my puke aswell,4 children + hundreds of ****ty nappies later + I can still smell it

PARlance

I'm away with work, got this text from my wife earlier

***** got out of bed to go to the toilet. When I went up he was peeing into the bath. Then he thought the bath was his bed and tried to get into the bath.

At 4, he's a little shy of being a man. I'll be checking the little bugger's room for bottles of whiskey when I get home.

sligojoek

PARlance wrote: »

I'm away with work, got this text from my wife earlier

***** got out of bed to go to the toilet. When I went up he was peeing into the bath. Then he thought the bath was his bed and tried to get into the bath.

At 4, he's a little shy of being a man. I'll be checking the little bugger's room for bottles of whiskey when I get home.

He's been sneaking out with Johnny, Brendan and the lads.


In Homebase Sligo not long after it opened. I was having a look around the tiling section (for the laugh) . My then 2 yr old daughter came over to tell me the toilet wouldn't flush. Turned out she'd been anal-non-retentive on one of the display toilets. One of her arms is about an inch longer since. I went back a week later with a woolly hat and sunglasses on to discover all the lids had been taped down. WIse move by the management,

Ush1

Just back from the jax there in work.

A fella in one of the traps obviously had a bit of an airlock going on in his pipework. Cue the sounds of him shifting around on the seat and then it was a noise like a whales mating call echoing around the bowl. Ended with a raspy crescendo which I'm sure sprayed brown fizz indiscriminately.