Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

21-02-2020 3:45pm

Or trying to make her responsible for the marriage ending.

I guess this proves that divorce statistics aren't the whole picture. Just because one party initiates the divorce, it doesn't mean they're the one responsible for it.

OP, do you feel your wife has hope that you'll decide to remain faithful and work on your marriage and that's why things are stagnant?

banoffe2 · 22-02-2020 2:04am

Would it be possible that your wife is too broken from the impact the affair has had on her to make a rational decision that requires courage and strenght

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 3:30pm

Sorry for the delay in answering, was dealing with some stuff. I'll get through them.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 3:34pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

But would that not be at your wife's expense? She's trapped in a marriage in the full knowledge that her husband is having an affair.

You're happy having the best of both worlds. The kids have two parents at home. What does she have?

My wife isn't trapped by any means. She has the agency to choose her own path. She knows I'll support the kids, and her. She has me supporting her new career, in every sense. She has me to co-parent with, so that the burden doesn't fall solely on her shoulders.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 3:38pm

up for anything wrote: »

OP, I know it sounds like you are making all the decisions but I don't agree with this comment.

Your wife is very well able to end your marriage. She is not trapped except by herself. She is an adult with free will.

Lots of us go it alone when we realise we can no longer put up with what our partners are dishing out. Yes, it is very difficult because you have to let go of the person you thought your partner was or could become and in so many cases the standard of living will drop hugely but it is made up for by peace of mind and regaining one's self and being able to be a better and more honest parent to childre. She obviously has her reasons as to why she doesn't. I do think that by not taking the initiative yourself you are hoping that she will eventually reach breaking point and then you won't need to feel so guilty. That to me is much worse than the affairs. It seems to me that you are trying to make her complicit in your mess one way or another.

I haven't looked to make decision, you're right there. I don't know that it's from trying to ease my feelings of guilt. Don't think anything could accomplish that, nor would is it something I care about.

Part of it is trying to avoid making the situation worse I suppose, fear of the fallout from ending things. Maybe things would be better in the future if we split, but that'd be after an extended period where things were worse.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 3:44pm

Candie wrote: »

Or trying to make her responsible for the marriage ending.

I guess this proves that divorce statistics aren't the whole picture. Just because one party initiates the divorce, it doesn't mean they're the one responsible for it.

OP, do you feel your wife has hope that you'll decide to remain faithful and work on your marriage and that's why things are stagnant?

I think she has a mindset that she won't leave, even if she might want to. At the moment, I feel she still has hope for us. She wants to make us work.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 3:46pm

banoffe2 wrote: »

Would it be possible that your wife is too broken from the impact the affair has had on her to make a rational decision that requires courage and strenght

She doesn't strike me as a broken woman. She's very capable and strong in herself. If she was in a place that she thought things were impossible, she would leave, I think.

zapper55 · 22-02-2020 3:57pm

I've no criticism, I think you almost enjoy the reinforcing of your low self esteem judging by the thread.

My question is where do you see the affair going long term (I presume it's not really over despite not seeing her for a year).

Just a note about kids being better with two parents than one. They are learning how to show 'love' is by how much you freeze each other out. Going by experience they'll play out this dynamic for years to come in their own adult relationships. It's far more damaging for them to be witness to this messed up relationship than you or your wife moving out. And you'd be surprised at how young kids pick these things up.

zapper55 · 22-02-2020 3:58pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

She doesn't strike me as a broken woman. She's very capable and strong in herself. If she was in a place that she thought things were impossible, she would leave, I think.

I'm not sure you have the perspective or emotional intelligence to accurately assess her emotional state. I'm not quite clear why you dont end the relationship?

22-02-2020 4:09pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I think she has a mindset that she won't leave, even if she might want to. At the moment, I feel she still has hope for us. She wants to make us work.

And you clearly don't.

Given that situation, do you not think the humane an decent thing to do is to end the marriage instead of allowing her false hope in an atmosphere of betrayal and indifference to the impact on her life of your actions?

I don't get why you don't see how cruel it is to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. At the very least you are wasting your wifes time by not letting her find love with someone who respects her enough to care about that.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 4:12pm

zapper55 wrote: »

I've no criticism, I think you almost enjoy the reinforcing of your low self esteem judging by the thread.

My question is where do you see the affair going long term (I presume it's not really over despite not seeing her for a year).

Just a note about kids being better with two parents than one. They are learning how to show 'love' is by how much you freeze each other out. Going by experience they'll play out this dynamic for years to come in their own adult relationships. It's far more damaging for them to be witness to this messed up relationship than you or your wife moving out. And you'd be surprised at how young kids pick these things up.

That's a fair point re: the kids. We've never tried to hide our relationship from them, in terms of having secret fights or anything like that. At the end of the day, you can't predict how they'll develop. We both try to be loving and open with them, despite our personal issues.

As to your question about my GF, she'll probably move on at some point. A text based relationship isn't much of a substitute for the real thing.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 4:20pm

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not sure you have the perspective or emotional intelligence to accurately assess her emotional state. I'm not quite clear why you dont end the relationship?

Fair enough, I'd disagree obviously. I don't end it because I don't want to.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 4:34pm

Candie wrote: »

And you clearly don't.

Given that situation, do you not think the humane an decent thing to do is to end the marriage instead of allowing her false hope in an atmosphere of betrayal and indifference to the impact on her life of your actions?

I don't get why you don't see how cruel it is to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. At the very least you are wasting your wifes time by not letting her find love with someone who respects her enough to care about that.

It's more nuanced than that for me. It's not that we couldn't make our relationship work, it's more whether it would be satisfying to both parties. Do you accept a lesser level of happiness, or do you live apart and deal with the sadness that comes from that?

I'm getting ready to leave, perhaps my wife's perspective will change with some time apart for her to reflect. For me, I'd rather be in the marriage and a little sad, be able to be a present as a parent, than the apart.

22-02-2020 4:58pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

It's more nuanced than that for me. It's not that we couldn't make our relationship work, it's more whether it would be satisfying to both parties. Do you accept a lesser level of happiness, or do you live apart and deal with the sadness that comes from that?

I'm getting ready to leave, perhaps my wife's perspective will change with some time apart for her to reflect. For me, I'd rather be in the marriage and a little sad, be able to be a present as a parent, than the apart.

I think you should consider the possibility that you're actively harming your wife while you consider the nuances and how your level of happiness will be affected.

It certainly feels that you're participating in this thread as a way of talking about your affair and how it affects your life. Would you say you're looking for validation?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 5:13pm

Candie wrote: »

I think you should consider the possibility that you're actively harming your wife while you consider the nuances and how your level of happiness will be affected.

It certainly feels that you're participating in this thread as a way of talking about your affair and how it affects your life. Would you say you're looking for validation?

It's not just my happiness I'm taking into consideration, it's hers and the kids both. I do worry about my wife and her emotional state. If anything, this has made me aware of how deficient I can be at times in meeting her emotional needs. I'm naturally more self contained, and have to force myself at times to be demonstrative emotionally.

I'm not looking for validation. I mean would you think I've received it here? Hardly like.

Fury Wilder · 22-02-2020 6:39pm

OP thank you for taking the time to be give an honest and candid account of your relationship and your infidelity. It has been interesting how mature, respectful and articulate you have been in this thread, in contrast to those looking to throw insults at you in search of a reaction.

Take no notice of such people, they are insecure, trying to protect their world view from reality. They desperately need to believe that people who cheat are despicable, it threatens their world view that an otherwise good person can be unfaithful. These people want you to be dehumanised, they don't want to see your humanity. It is ironic they accuse you of being selfish, with low self esteem, exactly the traits which drive them to try and get a reaction out of you to protect their world view.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 22-02-2020 6:52pm

Fury Wilder wrote: »

OP thank you for taking the time to be give an honest and candid account of your relationship and your infidelity. It has been interesting how mature, respectful and articulate you have been in this thread, in contrast to those looking to throw insults at you in search of a reaction.

Take no notice of such people, they are insecure, trying to protect their world view from reality. They desperately need to believe that people who cheat are despicable, it threatens their world view that an otherwise good person can be unfaithful. These people want you to be dehumanised, they don't want to see your humanity. It is ironic they accuse you of being selfish, with low self esteem, exactly the traits which drive them to try and get a reaction out of you to protect their world view.

I can understand why people have a strong reaction to cheating. I know I have a view on the sex and love that's not a common one, or shared by many. At the end of the day, I lied repeatedly to two women I love, and that's always the wrong option. I should've been honest and upfront. Hard to come back from that, and it's very undermining.

Boards.ie: Niamh · 24-02-2020 10:54am

Thanks so much to OP for taking so much time to anwer everyone's questions here. I think it's time to close it up, thanks also to everyone for their questions.

If anyone fancies doing an AMA of their own, please PM me or email me (niamh@boards.ie). Thanks!

Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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