How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

recylingbin · 08-03-2016 4:06am

Loop Zoop wrote: »

I met a guy on tinder, couldn't quiet put my finger on what it was but something about him made me a little uneasy when we were talking before the date but I just thought I was being over-cautious after coming out of a messed-up relationship not long before so I decided to give him a chance and meet him.

When I met him, I still couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was a perfect gentleman throughout. Eventually ended up googling his name (which he'd gone to some lengths to conceal from me as it turned out) and discovered he'd been inside for posting death threats online to his ex-girlfriend and a member of the gardaí who dealt with him when he was arrested for slashing the tyres of her car and pouring acid over it! He had a string of other convictions and was apparently mixed up in some seriously shady sh!t. He may have changed his ways while in prison or since getting out but my gut told me to run like hell and I did. I'd spent two years having my heart broken and head wrecked by someone with serious problems controlling their anger and emotions, I couldn't entertain the possibility of getting into that kind of situation again and the article I found made my blood run cold.

Maybe if I hadn't had the experience prior to that, I might have been able to give him a chance but for me there were just too many red flags.

Pity though, coz he was so flippin' hot

Even people from prison are motoring better on tinder than me

I punched a squirrel once.

TheHillOfDoom · 08-03-2016 4:23am

Who was the assault on?

con___manx1 · 08-03-2016 4:43am

A friend of mine was in prison for 18 months. we became friends as he lived in an apartment next to mine. I knew him before that to see and i was aware he was in prison but took him at face value anyway. we are still friends he doesn't drink now as that is a big part of what was getting him into trouble in the first place. he has never been in trouble since and that is going back maybe 5 or 6 years.

arybvtcw0eolkf · 08-03-2016 9:52am

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Again it depends on the circumstances, but two years for assault causing harm ~ it must have been a pretty bad assault.

Generally speaking I couldn't give a toss if someone has been to prison, but if he was going to date my daughter or sister an assault conviction would be something which would concern me, and I'd certainly want to know the circumstances ~ and if it was against a female, a partner for example that would certainly be a game changer.

So yea it depends, however if you're going to continue this relationship you're going to have to be straight with her and let her make up her mind on you based on the truth.

Best of luck anyway.

armaghlad · 08-03-2016 10:03am

Good luck op. You seem genuine. Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

AnonoBoy · 08-03-2016 10:09am

The_Valeyard wrote: »

TV licence to drug cartels to kiddy fiddling.

That's some escalation!

The new TV licence ads really don't pull any punches do they?

tmh106 · 08-03-2016 10:33am

bodice ripper wrote: »

I have friends who have been in prison. I wouldn't have thought that was unusual.

I'd say it is fairly unusual - I don't know anyone who has been to prison, and a quick poll of people in my office reveals the same (of course, it might be something people would deny).

OP, your girlfriend obviously cares for you and sees a potential for a long term relationship with you given she wants to meet her family and her friends. Trust and honesty are a huge part of any relationship. You are going to have to tell her eventually - you cannot keep something like this a secret from a potential future partner - and the longer you leave it the bigger an issue it will become. I honestly don't know how your girlfriend will react, but I am pretty certain that if you don't tell her very soon the fact that you haven't told her will become at least as big an issue as the fact that you have been in prison.

OP you say you don't want this to get out and that some people will think "once a scumbag always a scumbag". But I think this is too big a secret to keep from people who are close to you - not just your girlfriend, but also close friends. I am not saying you need to broadcast it publicly to the world, far from it, but maybe you need to start to let a few people you know well and trust (starting with your girlfriend) know. You may be pleasantly surprised at how understanding people can be. Yes they may be shocked that you were in prison, but if they are decent people they will also recognise the efforts you have made, and are making, since you left prison. And if any of them really are in the "once a scumbag, always a scumbag" mode, well do you really want someone like that as a friend?
Your spell in prison is obviously something that bothers you (understandably), you wouldn't have posted what you did if it didn't. Maybe by sharing it with those close to you it will help you unburden you of some of the 'sentence' you are still carrying.

Good luck and well done on getting this far!

intheclouds · 08-03-2016 10:52am

Id be more annoyed that you had concealed it from me and met my family and allowed the relationship to develop without being honest with me.

IF I got over that (which I might not because if there isnt honesty in a relationship there isnt anything), it would depend on the crime itself and the context under which it had been committed.

osarusan · 08-03-2016 10:57am

OP you seem like a nice guy who has done his best to put his past behind him.

But when you tell her, you'll have to respect any reaction/decision she makes. The spectrum of responses could go from not caring at all to instant break-up.

Even for people for whom any prison sentence at all isn't a red flag, two years for assault might still be.

Perhaps the particular circumstances of your assault might be mitigating factors, I don't know.

Green Mile · 08-03-2016 11:12am

osarusan wrote: »

The spectrum of responses could go from not caring at all to instant break-up.

She could think you're a "bad boy" and think it's hot.

valoren · 08-03-2016 1:10pm

This being Ireland I can assume that the OP's crime was not of the white collar variety.

SEPT 23 1989 · 08-03-2016 1:58pm

I know people who did time

but you wouldn't be dating my daughter with that record for violence

Nodin · 08-03-2016 2:03pm

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Many do, few get caught. As long as it wasn't to a woman and you don't lose the run of yourself still I can't imagine a problem.

The Talking Bread · 08-03-2016 2:05pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I know people who did time

but you wouldn't be dating my daughter with that record for violence

I wouldnt date any spawn of a City supporter either!!

Aongus Von Bismarck · 08-03-2016 2:16pm

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

Howard the Duck · 08-03-2016 2:21pm

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

You were good at the start now you're turning into a poor parody of yourself

Mesrine65 · 08-03-2016 2:23pm

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

I'd trust trolley chap before I'd trust a banker

LDN_Irish · 08-03-2016 2:27pm

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

Can't be too careful. Head the ball might drive over them with no tax or insurance.

Savage Tyrant · 08-03-2016 2:27pm

Hopefully she is mature enough to see that you have changed and while it's a part of your past, it isn't going to define your future.
My worry is that it is probably going to be more of an issue for her parents than it will be for her. And once you are on the back foot with the folks, it's going to be an uphill struggle.

I gave my wife all the gory details of my past a few months after we got together. I went the whole hog and included stuff that I got away with (but still haunted me and definitely defines my personality and moods).... She decided to go on with the relationship and we got married... I adopted her children, we had one together and she is an unofficial guardian to my children from a previous relationship. She is my rock (huge cliche, but true).
If one of my daughters came to me with the very same information on her boyfriend, I'd step in and do my utmost to end the relationship.
Double standards? Absolutely... But there is no limit to what a father might do to save his daughter from grief down the road.

The circumstances of your conviction will surely play a huge part. Good luck and all the best.

The Talking Bread · 08-03-2016 2:27pm

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

?? What has motoring offences got to do with what he's doing???? As long as he isn't speeding along the corridor and keeps the trolley in good corridor condition you should be OK.

Not sure what the connection between motoring offences and your Tag Heur watch is.

The Talking Bread · 08-03-2016 2:29pm

Howard the Duck wrote: »

You were good at the start now you're turning into a poor parody of yourself

Ah I take this was a joke!! Egg on face for me ðŸ˜„

Nodin · 08-03-2016 2:33pm

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

Can't help it, can yez. Do you hang your hand holding the ipad out the car window when you're driving, when the sleeve rolled up to subtly flash the watch as well?

What do you think hes going to do, put them on the trolley and drive for the border?

The Talking Bread · 08-03-2016 2:35pm

Nodin wrote: »

Can't help it, can yez. Do you hang your hand holding the ipad out the car window when you're driving, when the sleeve rolled up to subtly flash the watch as well?

What do you think hes going to do, put them on the trolley and drive for the border?

See above.
.......

Nodin · 08-03-2016 2:42pm

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Hopefully she is mature enough to see that you have changed and while it's a part of your past, it isn't going to define your future.
My worry is that it is probably going to be more of an issue for her parents than it will be for her. And once you are on the back foot with the folks, it's going to be an uphill struggle.

I gave my wife all the gory details of my past a few months after we got together. I went the whole hog and included stuff that I got away with (but still haunted me and definitely defines my personality and moods).... She decided to go on with the relationship and we got married... I adopted her children, we had one together and she is an unofficial guardian to my children from a previous relationship. She is my rock (huge cliche, but true).
If one of my daughters came to me with the very same information on her boyfriend, I'd step in and do my utmost to end the relationship.
Double standards? Absolutely... But there is no limit to what a father might do to save his daughter from grief down the road.

The circumstances of your conviction will surely play a huge part. Good luck and all the best.

Your honesty is of a type rarely seen.

also that hall was a fire trap anyway.......

08-03-2016 4:09pm

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Hopefully she is mature enough to see that you have changed and while it's a part of your past, it isn't going to define your future.
My worry is that it is probably going to be more of an issue for her parents than it will be for her. And once you are on the back foot with the folks, it's going to be an uphill struggle.

I gave my wife all the gory details of my past a few months after we got together. I went the whole hog and included stuff that I got away with (but still haunted me and definitely defines my personality and moods).... She decided to go on with the relationship and we got married... I adopted her children, we had one together and she is an unofficial guardian to my children from a previous relationship. She is my rock (huge cliche, but true).
If one of my daughters came to me with the very same information on her boyfriend, I'd step in and do my utmost to end the relationship.
Double standards? Absolutely... But there is no limit to what a father might do to save his daughter from grief down the road.

The circumstances of your conviction will surely play a huge part. Good luck and all the best.

The reality is that this kind of honesty is very disarming, it's very hard to be this open without exposing all kinds of vulnerabilities and people recognise the importance and significance of that instinctively. I've great admiration for the guts it takes.

I'm really glad things worked out so well for you and your family.

4zn76tysfajdxp · 08-03-2016 4:15pm

I'm not sure how much time he did for it, if any, but a mate of mine once confessed to me that he participated in the Rwandan genocide. It's hard to believe that such a quiet guy, a real gent, could have committed murder with a machete but there you go. He seemed genuine to me.

intheclouds · 08-03-2016 4:26pm

Nelson Icy Grease wrote: »

I'm not sure how much time he did for it, if any, but a mate of mine once confessed to me that he participated in the Rwandan genocide. It's hard to believe that such a quiet guy, a real gent, could have committed murder with a machete but there you go. He seemed genuine to me.

Christ, participating in genocide is one that would definitely cause me to end the relationship.

4zn76tysfajdxp · 08-03-2016 4:30pm

intheclouds wrote: »

Christ, participating in genocide is one that would definitely cause me to end the relationship.

Everyone has a past.

Iang87 · 08-03-2016 4:37pm

sorry i am not contributing but you could be a very entertaining ask me anything thread about your time in prison and what its like.

Just like the general consensus its whatever you done is the issue. Personally I've had an uncle in prison for robbery and don't think any less of him. Its not who he is now so doesn't bother me

intheclouds · 08-03-2016 4:45pm

Nelson Icy Grease wrote: »

Everyone has a past.

Yes, but mass slaughter of humans is something I wouldnt be able to move on from personally.

How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

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