How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

Mark25

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

fleet_admiral

A guy I know who drinks in my job did time for assault. He seems very calm now and we were both very good friends of the man who died in Harolds Cross the other night, RIP

Birneybau

Depends on what they did but generally wouldn't care.

You're gonna have to tell her, and trust she will be mature enough to deal with it. I'm sure many people have an issue that has to be raised at some stage, and that they have to hope won't become title tattle. But I guess it wouldn't harm to preface it with a request that she doesn't tell others. Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, there is so much more to people than one blot on the copybook - I know of utter scumbags who have never troubled the Gardai that I would trust far less than someone with a record - but guess there will be some that might have an adverse reaction. I think much would depend on the reason for the imprisonment.

Birneybau

fleet_admiral wrote: »

A guy I know who drinks in my job did time for assault. He seems very calm now and we were both very good friends of the man who died in Harolds Cross the other night, RIP

Have been in Peggy Kelly's a few times, sure I'd recognise him.

Kepler 186f

You seem to be in a genuine conundrum, while you admit to a checkered past you've clearly made an effort to correct this which is commendable.
Honesty is the best policy but in your situation it's a difficult decision as you won't know the outcome. Being slightly negative if you do tell her, and she knows that it takes a serious offence to be jailed or a number of offences it might be a put off. Overall the decision is yours but in my opinion your other half has the right to know

fleet_admiral

Birneybau wrote: »

Have been in Peggy Kelly's a few times, sure I'd recognise him.

He drank in Peggys more than the others but was in my job on Wednesday for the quiz

snickerpuss

I think if I was going out with someone it would depend on why they had been in prison.

i.e. not paying your tv license v rape/assault/GBH...

Nodin

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

It's whatever you were in for that will be the issue, not the fact that you've been inside.

Meh

eviltwin

Fair play to you Mark for trying to turn your life around. It wouldn't bother me personally but everyone is different. Hopefully she will be open minded about it but I would tell her before she hears it second hand. If she can't handle it that's her, not you. There are plenty of people out there who won't judge you on your past.

Lady is a tramp

Two of the greatest guys I know have spent time in prison. Don't know what one of them did, he's never told me, I've never asked. The other guy has done several stints, mostly for non-violent burglaries committed while addicted to drink/drugs. Both had sad upbringings and have gone through terrible things, but both have successfully turned their lives around and I admire and respect them for it. I don't think any more or less of them for having spent time in prison; as far as I'm concerned their debt to society has been repaid and I judge their characters based on how I know them as they are now.

The_Valeyard

Really depends what you were in for.

TV licence to drug cartels to kiddy fiddling.


We do mean prison now and not boards.is prison :P

Tombi!

I can move to this Relationship Issues if you want. Just let me know

Anyway, I genuinely wouldn't care. Unless you did something I think is "bad" such as rape or beat up a child or something, I don't think I could care beyond "oh, okay".

Mark25

eviltwin wrote: »

Fair play to you Mark for trying to turn your life around. It wouldn't bother me personally but everyone is different. Hopefully she will be open minded about it but I would tell her before she hears it second hand. If she can't handle it that's her, not you. There are plenty of people out there who won't judge you on your past.

Yeah I want to tell her myself and let her know in my way instead of her just finding out. I knew I would have to tell her but the last few months have been great not having to deal with it.

Tigger

what did you get done for?

TerrorFirmer

Yeah, it's very much a contextual thing I suppose. If you did time for assaulting someone in the heat of a moment let's say, that's obviously something you can move past versus say, a violent sexual crime.

Tough situation to be in if you have turned a corner. Hope it works out for you.

Tombi!

After considering it a bit more, it's definitely down to the fact that you're genuinely making an effort to get over whatever you did that's important. So I'm sure the girlfriend will be fine withi t.

Mark25

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Tombi!

Well look at it this way: are you comfortable explaining what happened? If so, then you should beo kay with her

The Moldy Gowl

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

At least it wasn't for not paying the tv licence.
Should be grand.

The flying mouse

I know lots of people who were in and out of prison, some have turned there life around like you and some haven't, It shouldn't be an issue ,it all depends on your girlfriend in what she decides and if you have truthfully turned away from that life.

eviltwin

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Tigger

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

so you used to get in fights
do you still get in fights, i wouldn't like to have to explain to a judge the fights i've been in but i don't do it anymore and i never got caught so its irrelevantb at this point

i think its better to tell someone than for them to find out, good luck

harry Bailey esq

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well.

Fair dues mark.

Conor Bourke

I met a guy on tinder, couldn't quiet put my finger on what it was but something about him made me a little uneasy when we were talking before the date but I just thought I was being over-cautious after coming out of a messed-up relationship not long before so I decided to give him a chance and meet him.

When I met him, I still couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was a perfect gentleman throughout. Eventually ended up googling his name (which he'd gone to some lengths to conceal from me as it turned out) and discovered he'd been inside for posting death threats online to his ex-girlfriend and a member of the gardaí who dealt with him when he was arrested for slashing the tyres of her car and pouring acid over it! He had a string of other convictions and was apparently mixed up in some seriously shady sh!t. He may have changed his ways while in prison or since getting out but my gut told me to run like hell and I did. I'd spent two years having my heart broken and head wrecked by someone with serious problems controlling their anger and emotions, I couldn't entertain the possibility of getting into that kind of situation again and the article I found made my blood run cold.

Maybe if I hadn't had the experience prior to that, I might have been able to give him a chance but for me there were just too many red flags.

Pity though, coz he was so flippin' hot

thattequilagirl

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

I dated a guy for a while and the second/third time I went out with him he told me he had been to prison twice in the States, once for drug dealing and once for having a concealed weapon.

He had then gone to live with his grandfather for a year after he got out in Jordan, and was starting to put a career together.

It didn't work out between us, but that was mainly because he was selfish in bed! So yeah, don't be like that.

It didn't bother me that he had been to prison because he was upfront about it early on, and he seemed to have made a clean break from it.

It's about how you tell it. Don't frame it as "There's this big awful secret i have to tell you and you'll probably hate me and break up with me but here it is......."

Just tell her the truth, calmly, and hope for the best.

Incidentally, the fact that the guy I mentioned above was honest with me about that made it easier for me to be honest with him about some of my history.

maryishere

Depends, but more than likely I would give them another chance, forget about the past, and move on. We all make mistakes of one type or another.

Custardpi

I think it really depends on how you've been able to process your guilt & the extent to which you understand how you ended up doing what you did. How is the person you assaulted doing, were they left with permanent injuries or disfiguration? How can you be sure that the factors or triggers which led to your crime won't occur again, what steps & changes are you making to avoid those dangers?

I also think that if you can show a mature appreciation of where you went wrong & can demonstrate (not an easy thing to prove admittedly) atonement & self-development towards becoming a better person then most people (though by no means all sadly) will give you a chance of some sort but there is likely to be some unease & trust issues which you will have to work through if you believe the relationship is worth going for.

bodice ripper

I have friends who have been in prison. I wouldn't have thought that was unusual.

The Talking Bread

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

It's a huge part of your life, not necessarily a defining part of you. If you are serious about the girl let her know ASAP but in your own comfortable way. She has a right to know if you are going to continue your path together and prepare yourself if she doesn't take it easily. I know what it's like to have a close family member do time and I know the prejudices associated with same but I also respect that some people are so far detached from such circumstances that they cannot help but be affected by what can be a bombshell to them. Whatever you do don't hide it, you must have told some lies or been constructive with the truth so as that she has no idea you spent two years in prison so that may be what affects her more so than the events themselves.


Honesty is the foundation of a relationship. After that you build.

recylingbin

Loop Zoop wrote: »

I met a guy on tinder, couldn't quiet put my finger on what it was but something about him made me a little uneasy when we were talking before the date but I just thought I was being over-cautious after coming out of a messed-up relationship not long before so I decided to give him a chance and meet him.

When I met him, I still couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was a perfect gentleman throughout. Eventually ended up googling his name (which he'd gone to some lengths to conceal from me as it turned out) and discovered he'd been inside for posting death threats online to his ex-girlfriend and a member of the gardaí who dealt with him when he was arrested for slashing the tyres of her car and pouring acid over it! He had a string of other convictions and was apparently mixed up in some seriously shady sh!t. He may have changed his ways while in prison or since getting out but my gut told me to run like hell and I did. I'd spent two years having my heart broken and head wrecked by someone with serious problems controlling their anger and emotions, I couldn't entertain the possibility of getting into that kind of situation again and the article I found made my blood run cold.

Maybe if I hadn't had the experience prior to that, I might have been able to give him a chance but for me there were just too many red flags.

Pity though, coz he was so flippin' hot

Even people from prison are motoring better on tinder than me

I punched a squirrel once.

TheHillOfDoom

Who was the assault on?

con___manx1

A friend of mine was in prison for 18 months. we became friends as he lived in an apartment next to mine. I knew him before that to see and i was aware he was in prison but took him at face value anyway. we are still friends he doesn't drink now as that is a big part of what was getting him into trouble in the first place. he has never been in trouble since and that is going back maybe 5 or 6 years.

arybvtcw0eolkf

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Again it depends on the circumstances, but two years for assault causing harm ~ it must have been a pretty bad assault.

Generally speaking I couldn't give a toss if someone has been to prison, but if he was going to date my daughter or sister an assault conviction would be something which would concern me, and I'd certainly want to know the circumstances ~ and if it was against a female, a partner for example that would certainly be a game changer.

So yea it depends, however if you're going to continue this relationship you're going to have to be straight with her and let her make up her mind on you based on the truth.

Best of luck anyway.

armaghlad

Good luck op. You seem genuine. Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

AnonoBoy

The_Valeyard wrote: »

TV licence to drug cartels to kiddy fiddling.

That's some escalation!

The new TV licence ads really don't pull any punches do they?

tmh106

bodice ripper wrote: »

I have friends who have been in prison. I wouldn't have thought that was unusual.

I'd say it is fairly unusual - I don't know anyone who has been to prison, and a quick poll of people in my office reveals the same (of course, it might be something people would deny).

OP, your girlfriend obviously cares for you and sees a potential for a long term relationship with you given she wants to meet her family and her friends. Trust and honesty are a huge part of any relationship. You are going to have to tell her eventually - you cannot keep something like this a secret from a potential future partner - and the longer you leave it the bigger an issue it will become. I honestly don't know how your girlfriend will react, but I am pretty certain that if you don't tell her very soon the fact that you haven't told her will become at least as big an issue as the fact that you have been in prison.

OP you say you don't want this to get out and that some people will think "once a scumbag always a scumbag". But I think this is too big a secret to keep from people who are close to you - not just your girlfriend, but also close friends. I am not saying you need to broadcast it publicly to the world, far from it, but maybe you need to start to let a few people you know well and trust (starting with your girlfriend) know. You may be pleasantly surprised at how understanding people can be. Yes they may be shocked that you were in prison, but if they are decent people they will also recognise the efforts you have made, and are making, since you left prison. And if any of them really are in the "once a scumbag, always a scumbag" mode, well do you really want someone like that as a friend?
Your spell in prison is obviously something that bothers you (understandably), you wouldn't have posted what you did if it didn't. Maybe by sharing it with those close to you it will help you unburden you of some of the 'sentence' you are still carrying.

Good luck and well done on getting this far!

intheclouds

Id be more annoyed that you had concealed it from me and met my family and allowed the relationship to develop without being honest with me.

IF I got over that (which I might not because if there isnt honesty in a relationship there isnt anything), it would depend on the crime itself and the context under which it had been committed.

osarusan

OP you seem like a nice guy who has done his best to put his past behind him.

But when you tell her, you'll have to respect any reaction/decision she makes. The spectrum of responses could go from not caring at all to instant break-up.

Even for people for whom any prison sentence at all isn't a red flag, two years for assault might still be.

Perhaps the particular circumstances of your assault might be mitigating factors, I don't know.

Green Mile

osarusan wrote: »

The spectrum of responses could go from not caring at all to instant break-up.

She could think you're a "bad boy" and think it's hot.

valoren

This being Ireland I can assume that the OP's crime was not of the white collar variety.

SEPT 23 1989

I know people who did time

but you wouldn't be dating my daughter with that record for violence

Nodin

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Many do, few get caught. As long as it wasn't to a woman and you don't lose the run of yourself still I can't imagine a problem.

The Talking Bread

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I know people who did time

but you wouldn't be dating my daughter with that record for violence

I wouldnt date any spawn of a City supporter either!!

Aongus Von Bismarck

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

Howard the Duck

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

You were good at the start now you're turning into a poor parody of yourself

Mesrine65

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

I'd trust trolley chap before I'd trust a banker

LDN_Irish

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

Can't be too careful. Head the ball might drive over them with no tax or insurance.

Savage Tyrant

Hopefully she is mature enough to see that you have changed and while it's a part of your past, it isn't going to define your future.
My worry is that it is probably going to be more of an issue for her parents than it will be for her. And once you are on the back foot with the folks, it's going to be an uphill struggle.

I gave my wife all the gory details of my past a few months after we got together. I went the whole hog and included stuff that I got away with (but still haunted me and definitely defines my personality and moods).... She decided to go on with the relationship and we got married... I adopted her children, we had one together and she is an unofficial guardian to my children from a previous relationship. She is my rock (huge cliche, but true).
If one of my daughters came to me with the very same information on her boyfriend, I'd step in and do my utmost to end the relationship.
Double standards? Absolutely... But there is no limit to what a father might do to save his daughter from grief down the road.

The circumstances of your conviction will surely play a huge part. Good luck and all the best.

The Talking Bread

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

We found out recently that the chap who does the trolley service to our meeting rooms spent time in prison for motoring offences. I did think about voicing my concerns to senior management, but decided he deserved a second chance.

I still wouldn't leave my phone, iPad or TAG Heuer watch lying around though.

?? What has motoring offences got to do with what he's doing???? As long as he isn't speeding along the corridor and keeps the trolley in good corridor condition you should be OK.

Not sure what the connection between motoring offences and your Tag Heur watch is.