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How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

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    #62
    Boom_Bap
    Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    The unfortunate thing here is that everyone will react differently to this news.
    If you want to have an honest relationship, you have to tell her. You also have to trust her to be confidential about it if she has the opposite reaction than what you are looking for.


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    #63
    The Talking Bread
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,050 ✭✭✭✭The Talking Bread


    Nelson Icy Grease wrote: »
    I'm not sure how much time he did for it, if any, but a mate of mine once confessed to me that he participated in the Rwandan genocide. It's hard to believe that such a quiet guy, a real gent, could have committed murder with a machete but there you go. He seemed genuine to me.

    If I found out my partner participated in such activities I'd give me the "axe".
    .




    I'll get my coat


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    #64
    tmh106
    Registered Users Posts: 528 ✭✭✭tmh106


    The Talking Bread wrote: »
    If I found out my partner participated in such activities I'd give me the "axe".

    I'll get my coat

    Was that an attempt at humour? It's so bad I'm not even sure it was. But if not "humor", what was it?


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    #65
    The Talking Bread
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,050 ✭✭✭✭The Talking Bread


    tmh106 wrote: »
    Was that an attempt at humour? It's so bad I'm not even sure it was. But if not "humor", what was it?

    Oh chill out. Sigh.


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    #66
    Mark25
    Registered Users Posts: 131 ✭✭Mark25


    Thanks for all the advice.

    Yes it was a bad assault - the other guy ended up in hospital. I saw some of it on CCTV when I was been interviewed by the guards. Was ashamed alright. I had previous too. Made me know I had to change after seeing it. I was very drunk at the time - not that that's an excuse. Got to do courses in prison for anger management and other things.

    I am going to tell her alright. I've had to cover up things and tell lies over the past few months like being in Australia, about not getting on with my family and it is wrecking my head. There were a few times I wanted to tell her and just didn't have the balls but I know it gets worse the longer I leave it.
    Savage Tyrant wrote: »
    Hopefully she is mature enough to see that you have changed and while it's a part of your past, it isn't going to define your future.
    My worry is that it is probably going to be more of an issue for her parents than it will be for her. And once you are on the back foot with the folks, it's going to be an uphill struggle.

    I gave my wife all the gory details of my past a few months after we got together. I went the whole hog and included stuff that I got away with (but still haunted me and definitely defines my personality and moods).... She decided to go on with the relationship and we got married... I adopted her children, we had one together and she is an unofficial guardian to my children from a previous relationship. She is my rock (huge cliche, but true).
    If one of my daughters came to me with the very same information on her boyfriend, I'd step in and do my utmost to end the relationship.
    Double standards? Absolutely... But there is no limit to what a father might do to save his daughter from grief down the road.

    The circumstances of your conviction will surely play a huge part. Good luck and all the best.

    You're lucky about your wife - must have been a relief when she was OK with it. I felt really bad about going through the same stuff when I met her family. I was worried about the age gap as well - 8 years between us but that wasn't really an issue. Her Dad asked me to go for a 'walk' with him after the meal - really so he could have a smoke so we had that in common - and we had a long chat and there was 6 years between them and he seemed really sound and we got on well. But like you say if he found out about my past he might have been much different. My gf is very close to her family so even if she is OK with it - I don't know if they will be.


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    #67
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    Look, at the end of the day you're dating her. Not them. Talk to her first, tell her the truth and hope that she likes you enough/trusts you enough to understand you've changed. Hopefully if she's okay with it, so will her family. She knows her family best so if she knows they will react badly, she might hold off telling them until they like you more and know you better as the person you are now, but the ball is then in her court.

    You can't change the past, you can only learn from it and you seem to have taken that on board. Best of luck with it.


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    #68
    noaddedsugar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 316 ✭✭noaddedsugar


    You should tell her soon. Often lies are as a big a deal breaker as anything else.

    My husband has a conviction for possession of cannabis, to me that is no biggie. Assault would be a step too far for me though. I couldn't be with someone who dealt with things with his fists. Even if he said it was in the past I would never be able to trust that. I have been with an abusive partner before though so would be extra cautious not to get involved with someone who has a history of violence.


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    #69
    IvyTheTerrible
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,949 ✭✭✭✭IvyTheTerrible


    My brother in law spent time in jail for a drink driving accident where his best friend died, 15 years ago. He turned his life around after it, I think he had real remorse. Now he is as straight as they come, married with 3 kids and a business employing 10 people. I think if you're serious about being on the straight and narrow people will see you are sincere.


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    #70
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    Hi OP, fair play for turning things around.


    Why would her parents have a reason to know or why would you think that either of you should tell them?

    An ex if mine would have had a serious drug problem in his early 20s. To me, it was in his past but I appreciate being told.

    If I told my parents they would have judged him/worried about me etc (very old fashioned). Instead they were never told and had great time for the guy.


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