How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

Mark25 · 07-03-2016 8:36pm #1

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

fleet_admiral · 07-03-2016 8:39pm

A guy I know who drinks in my job did time for assault. He seems very calm now and we were both very good friends of the man who died in Harolds Cross the other night, RIP

Birneybau · 07-03-2016 8:40pm

Depends on what they did but generally wouldn't care.

07-03-2016 8:41pm

You're gonna have to tell her, and trust she will be mature enough to deal with it. I'm sure many people have an issue that has to be raised at some stage, and that they have to hope won't become title tattle. But I guess it wouldn't harm to preface it with a request that she doesn't tell others. Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, there is so much more to people than one blot on the copybook - I know of utter scumbags who have never troubled the Gardai that I would trust far less than someone with a record - but guess there will be some that might have an adverse reaction. I think much would depend on the reason for the imprisonment.

Birneybau · 07-03-2016 8:41pm

fleet_admiral wrote: »

A guy I know who drinks in my job did time for assault. He seems very calm now and we were both very good friends of the man who died in Harolds Cross the other night, RIP

Have been in Peggy Kelly's a few times, sure I'd recognise him.

Kepler 186f · 07-03-2016 8:44pm

You seem to be in a genuine conundrum, while you admit to a checkered past you've clearly made an effort to correct this which is commendable.
Honesty is the best policy but in your situation it's a difficult decision as you won't know the outcome. Being slightly negative if you do tell her, and she knows that it takes a serious offence to be jailed or a number of offences it might be a put off. Overall the decision is yours but in my opinion your other half has the right to know

fleet_admiral · 07-03-2016 8:45pm

Birneybau wrote: »

Have been in Peggy Kelly's a few times, sure I'd recognise him.

He drank in Peggys more than the others but was in my job on Wednesday for the quiz

snickerpuss · 07-03-2016 8:48pm

I think if I was going out with someone it would depend on why they had been in prison.

i.e. not paying your tv license v rape/assault/GBH...

Nodin · 07-03-2016 8:49pm

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

It's whatever you were in for that will be the issue, not the fact that you've been inside.

07-03-2016 8:49pm

Meh

eviltwin · 07-03-2016 8:51pm

Fair play to you Mark for trying to turn your life around. It wouldn't bother me personally but everyone is different. Hopefully she will be open minded about it but I would tell her before she hears it second hand. If she can't handle it that's her, not you. There are plenty of people out there who won't judge you on your past.

Lady is a tramp · 07-03-2016 8:53pm

Two of the greatest guys I know have spent time in prison. Don't know what one of them did, he's never told me, I've never asked. The other guy has done several stints, mostly for non-violent burglaries committed while addicted to drink/drugs. Both had sad upbringings and have gone through terrible things, but both have successfully turned their lives around and I admire and respect them for it. I don't think any more or less of them for having spent time in prison; as far as I'm concerned their debt to society has been repaid and I judge their characters based on how I know them as they are now.

The_Valeyard · 07-03-2016 8:54pm

Really depends what you were in for.

TV licence to drug cartels to kiddy fiddling.

We do mean prison now and not boards.is prison :P

Tombi! · 07-03-2016 8:55pm

I can move to this Relationship Issues if you want. Just let me know

Anyway, I genuinely wouldn't care. Unless you did something I think is "bad" such as rape or beat up a child or something, I don't think I could care beyond "oh, okay".

Mark25 · 07-03-2016 8:57pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Fair play to you Mark for trying to turn your life around. It wouldn't bother me personally but everyone is different. Hopefully she will be open minded about it but I would tell her before she hears it second hand. If she can't handle it that's her, not you. There are plenty of people out there who won't judge you on your past.

Yeah I want to tell her myself and let her know in my way instead of her just finding out. I knew I would have to tell her but the last few months have been great not having to deal with it.

Tigger · 07-03-2016 9:03pm

what did you get done for?

TerrorFirmer · 07-03-2016 9:08pm

Yeah, it's very much a contextual thing I suppose. If you did time for assaulting someone in the heat of a moment let's say, that's obviously something you can move past versus say, a violent sexual crime.

Tough situation to be in if you have turned a corner. Hope it works out for you.

Tombi! · 07-03-2016 9:15pm

After considering it a bit more, it's definitely down to the fact that you're genuinely making an effort to get over whatever you did that's important. So I'm sure the girlfriend will be fine withi t.

Mark25 · 07-03-2016 9:16pm

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Tombi! · 07-03-2016 9:21pm

Well look at it this way: are you comfortable explaining what happened? If so, then you should beo kay with her

The Moldy Gowl · 07-03-2016 9:22pm

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

At least it wasn't for not paying the tv licence.
Should be grand.

The flying mouse · 07-03-2016 9:24pm

I know lots of people who were in and out of prison, some have turned there life around like you and some haven't, It shouldn't be an issue ,it all depends on your girlfriend in what she decides and if you have truthfully turned away from that life.

eviltwin · 07-03-2016 9:27pm

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Tigger · 07-03-2016 9:28pm

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

so you used to get in fights
do you still get in fights, i wouldn't like to have to explain to a judge the fights i've been in but i don't do it anymore and i never got caught so its irrelevantb at this point

i think its better to tell someone than for them to find out, good luck

harry Bailey esq · 07-03-2016 10:09pm

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well.

Fair dues mark.

Conor Bourke · 07-03-2016 10:31pm

I met a guy on tinder, couldn't quiet put my finger on what it was but something about him made me a little uneasy when we were talking before the date but I just thought I was being over-cautious after coming out of a messed-up relationship not long before so I decided to give him a chance and meet him.

When I met him, I still couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was a perfect gentleman throughout. Eventually ended up googling his name (which he'd gone to some lengths to conceal from me as it turned out) and discovered he'd been inside for posting death threats online to his ex-girlfriend and a member of the gardaí who dealt with him when he was arrested for slashing the tyres of her car and pouring acid over it! He had a string of other convictions and was apparently mixed up in some seriously shady sh!t. He may have changed his ways while in prison or since getting out but my gut told me to run like hell and I did. I'd spent two years having my heart broken and head wrecked by someone with serious problems controlling their anger and emotions, I couldn't entertain the possibility of getting into that kind of situation again and the article I found made my blood run cold.

Maybe if I hadn't had the experience prior to that, I might have been able to give him a chance but for me there were just too many red flags.

Pity though, coz he was so flippin' hot

thattequilagirl · 07-03-2016 10:37pm

Mark25 wrote: »

I got out of prison in January last year. Since then I have stayed out of trouble and got on with my life. I ended up moving away from home for a fresh start, went back to college as a mature student and have a job as well. I had to explain to the college about being in prison when I was getting interviewed but apart from that nobody at college, where I live or at work knows about my past.

I've been with my girlfriend since Christmas. She is in college with me and works in the same place and is younger than me. I met her family for the first time a week ago and it went well. She now wants to meet my mates and family at home and I can't really put it off much longer. I know it will come up if she meets them and so know I will have to tell her as things are getting serious. I don't know how she will take it and what she will think but I am getting ready to tell her.

Once she knows I know there is a good chance that it will get out and don't know what other people will think of me. I would prefer if people didn't know - I'm a different person now.

I know some people will probably think once a scumbag always a scumbag but I've done my time and just want to get on with my life

I dated a guy for a while and the second/third time I went out with him he told me he had been to prison twice in the States, once for drug dealing and once for having a concealed weapon.

He had then gone to live with his grandfather for a year after he got out in Jordan, and was starting to put a career together.

It didn't work out between us, but that was mainly because he was selfish in bed! So yeah, don't be like that.

It didn't bother me that he had been to prison because he was upfront about it early on, and he seemed to have made a clean break from it.

It's about how you tell it. Don't frame it as "There's this big awful secret i have to tell you and you'll probably hate me and break up with me but here it is......."

Just tell her the truth, calmly, and hope for the best.

Incidentally, the fact that the guy I mentioned above was honest with me about that made it easier for me to be honest with him about some of my history.

maryishere · 08-03-2016 2:13am

Depends, but more than likely I would give them another chance, forget about the past, and move on. We all make mistakes of one type or another.

Custardpi · 08-03-2016 3:05am

I think it really depends on how you've been able to process your guilt & the extent to which you understand how you ended up doing what you did. How is the person you assaulted doing, were they left with permanent injuries or disfiguration? How can you be sure that the factors or triggers which led to your crime won't occur again, what steps & changes are you making to avoid those dangers?

I also think that if you can show a mature appreciation of where you went wrong & can demonstrate (not an easy thing to prove admittedly) atonement & self-development towards becoming a better person then most people (though by no means all sadly) will give you a chance of some sort but there is likely to be some unease & trust issues which you will have to work through if you believe the relationship is worth going for.

bodice ripper · 08-03-2016 3:13am

I have friends who have been in prison. I wouldn't have thought that was unusual.

The Talking Bread · 08-03-2016 3:28am

Mark25 wrote: »

Got 2 years for Assault Causing Harm

It's a huge part of your life, not necessarily a defining part of you. If you are serious about the girl let her know ASAP but in your own comfortable way. She has a right to know if you are going to continue your path together and prepare yourself if she doesn't take it easily. I know what it's like to have a close family member do time and I know the prejudices associated with same but I also respect that some people are so far detached from such circumstances that they cannot help but be affected by what can be a bombshell to them. Whatever you do don't hide it, you must have told some lies or been constructive with the truth so as that she has no idea you spent two years in prison so that may be what affects her more so than the events themselves.

Honesty is the foundation of a relationship. After that you build.

How would you react if you found out that someone you know had been in prison?

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