How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

lainey_d_123 · 21-07-2019 12:04pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Heres why in a nutshell:

The guy is a rugby player and trainee solicitor. She's destined to be alone with her cats. I bet she's about 20 stone herself.

https://m.independent.ie/opinion/comment/ciara-oconnor-heartbreak-ahead-for-the-love-islanders-just-in-it-for-the-likes-38330956.html

Right, because women are NEVER judged on their looks and weight. You NEVER hear men picking apart a woman for having a few wrinkles or being a few pounds overweight, especially if they're extremely accomplished in their field.

Oh, wait.

21-07-2019 12:31pm

You do kind of sound quite bitter Lainey.. like, really, love island and that kind of vacuous sh1te is probably contributing to the whole situation too..
I hope you find someone..

Gimme A Pound · 21-07-2019 12:52pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Heres why in a nutshell:

The guy is a rugby player and trainee solicitor. She's destined to be alone with her cats. I bet she's about 20 stone herself.

https://m.independent.ie/opinion/comment/ciara-oconnor-heartbreak-ahead-for-the-love-islanders-just-in-it-for-the-likes-38330956.html

What in the name of god are you on about?

Between calling a three-year-old girl a wagon, pretending an article was about something that it wasn't (in order to start having a go at women) and now this utter randomness... not a fan of the females are ya?

d8491prj5boyvg · 21-07-2019 1:08pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I'm 34, in a brand new relationship and fairly ambivalent. My best friend is the same age, getting married in 2 months and also ambivalent. I don't think it's that uncommon for women either. I met a fair amount of mothers who say "I didn't really think I wanted kids either, even after I got pregnant".

With the rhetoric that's directed at women for "leaving it too late", it feels almost careless to be approaching my mid 30s and in two minds about it all. In reality, I don't want to be a single mum or to have kids with the next man that comes along for the sake of having them, as the biological urge is not that strong. I can't imagine having kids with someone that I didn't love deeply, someone that i didn't feel supported by 100%.

To point out something very obvious, I feel like this thread needs to hear this: it's ok to want what you want or not want what you don't want, and you're not answerable to anyone else on these major life decisions. Not society, not men, not parents, not non-parents, nobody. If my indecisiveness now leads to no kids down the line, so be it. If my new relationship works out and I get pregnant next year, that's fine too.

Ultimately, neither decision affects anyone except me in the general scheme of things. And I was never going to be a "young mum" in my 20s, those years were always going to be about travel and adventure and career and self-discovery. I'll be damned if I'll be made to feel guilty about that!

Why is everybody nowadays obsessed with what other people think. Nobody cares about what you do. This straw man is constructed every time. Nobody is placing value judgements on a decision either way.

lainey_d_123 · 21-07-2019 1:11pm

Sebastian Low Zenith wrote: »

Why is everybody nowadays obsessed with what other people think. Nobody cares about what you do. This straw man is constructed every time. Nobody is placing value judgements on a decision either way.

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

I think the point ginandtonicsky is making is that we should try not to let it affect us.

21-07-2019 3:40pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Right, because women are NEVER judged on their looks and weight. You NEVER hear men picking apart a woman for having a few wrinkles or being a few pounds overweight, especially if they're extremely accomplished in their field.

Oh, wait.

No they don't? Most men don't do this as a rule. It's more commonly women commenting on other women. Who are these men you are talking about?

Sunny Disposition · 21-07-2019 3:44pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No they don't? Most men don't do this as a rule. It's more commonly women commenting on other women. Who are these men you are talking about?

To be fair writing an article criticizing anyone’s appearance is not right. Wouldn’t be tolerated about a woman and shouldn’t be about a man.

21-07-2019 3:47pm

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

What in the name of god are you on about?

Between calling a three-year-old girl a wagon, pretending an article was about something that it wasn't (in order to start having a go at women) and now this utter randomness... not a fan of the females are ya?

The 3 year old girl thing was joking and nothing to do with her being a girl.

As for your other comment the article was demeaning in the extreme to that guy - unfortunately the norm in the media these days. Some women - particularly Irish women - talk to guys like this way more than the other way round. It's somehow makes them feel superior or something. Personally I always just mentally labelled them bitches and ignored them, and talked to women with actual personalities instead. Every group has at least one of these in my experience.

21-07-2019 3:52pm

I find it amusing that some women seem to think that when Theresa May or Angela Merkel are talking on TV men are sitting there commenting on their looks instead of listening to what they are saying. Maybe a certain knuckle dragging type is, I don't know. Certainly isn't a conversation I ever remembered having in any event. Theresa's dance skills were commented on alright but so would Varadkars' socks or Michael Healy Raes cap.

Edit: or everything about Mick Wallace's wardrobe.

21-07-2019 4:01pm

Also if I'm an average single guy struggling with women, why would I pick a woman clearly in the top 5% of attractiveness and call her a potential 3/10? Smacks of bitterness to me.

21-07-2019 4:05pm

People should be 100% sure before they have kids. Having kids involves putiing your needs last for many years. If you're not prepared for that then don't have them.

lainey_d_123 · 21-07-2019 4:52pm

Deleted User wrote: »

No they don't? Most men don't do this as a rule. It's more commonly women commenting on other women. Who are these men you are talking about?

You don't hear them do it because you're not a woman!

ToddyDoody · 21-07-2019 5:01pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

People are idiots, in fairness

21-07-2019 6:06pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You don't hear them do it because you're not a woman!

Do you mean I somehow block it out or do they only say it in the company of women? I don't follow?

21-07-2019 6:15pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

have a little read back of the complaint you're making against "people" there and then your own spiteful projection in the same paragraph.

the world isnt going to suit everyone, a person has to put in a lot of work to get what they want in any sphere.

if it doesnt *ever* work out for a person, sure its possible that the world is the problem

the odds, as i understand them, are about 8 billion to one but theres always a chance i spose.

21-07-2019 6:44pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

I think the point ginandtonicsky is making is that we should try not to let it affect us.

People really don't care that much about other people. Some make judgy comments to make themselves feel better. Pro tip: don't ever go to the Netherlands - they are the bluntest people I've ever met.

d8491prj5boyvg · 22-07-2019 4:54pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

I think the point ginandtonicsky is making is that we should try not to let it affect us.

:rolleyes:. I'm sorry I tried.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 5:00pm

Sebastian Low Zenith wrote: »

:rolleyes:. I'm sorry I tried.

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

22-07-2019 5:04pm

But like, in fairness, the current situation regarding dating in the year 2019 probably engenders a certain level of bitterness..

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:00pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you mean I somehow block it out or do they only say it in the company of women? I don't follow?

What a stupid thing to say. It's like a white person telling a black person there's no racism in Ireland because he's never heard any. You don't tend to hear comments aimed at woman if you're.....not a woman.

Yeah, mindblowing, huh?

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:03pm

Deleted User wrote: »

have a little read back of the complaint you're making against "people" there and then your own spiteful projection in the same paragraph.

the world isnt going to suit everyone, a person has to put in a lot of work to get what they want in any sphere.

if it doesnt *ever* work out for a person, sure its possible that the world is the problem

the odds, as i understand them, are about 8 billion to one but theres always a chance i spose.

Not very good at logic, are we? I'm saying that people who are so determined to make others feel bad about themselves and judge their life choices must be doing so from a place of deep unhappiness, because people who are genuinely happy in themselves don't tend to try to crush others. If I'm minding my own business living my life and someone feels the need to interrogate me on things that have nothing to do with them, then yes, I'll assume they're overcompensating.

But sure, carry on with your petty little insults.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:05pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

cannotlogin · 22-07-2019 7:20pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

kunst nugget wrote: »

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Thread has kind of wandered well off topic but anyhow, I think everyone is judged and everyone makes assumptions about people, it's human nature. Your own posts contain a lot of judgment too.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think people don't judge men too. How good-looking they are? How successful they are? They fact the terms "dad bod" and "beer belly" exist confirms same. How often is a single man's sexuality questioned if he hasn't had a girlfriend in sometime? Still happens a lot, particularly in rural areas. It's not just women.

In reality, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, if you are happy and secure in yourself, you won't even care.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 7:21pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-07-2019 7:25pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:32pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

Thread has kind of wandered well off topic but anyhow, I think everyone is judged and everyone makes assumptions about people, it's human nature. Your own posts contain a lot of judgment too.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think people don't judge men too. How good-looking they are? How successful they are? They fact the terms "dad bod" and "beer belly" exist confirms same. How often is a single man's sexuality questioned if he hasn't had a girlfriend in sometime? Still happens a lot, particularly in rural areas. It's not just women.

In reality, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, if you are happy and secure in yourself, you won't even care.

Sure, of course men get comments, but not anywhere near to the same extent women do, according to my male friends who are single. There might be some talk of whether they're gay, but generally a single man with a good job and hobbies is assumed to be an eligible bachelor rather than a sad sack worthy of pity. I don't have any problem with being single in itself, other than worrying about my timeline for kids. It's the way other people treat you.

And no, it's not just me. I have a long term single friend of 43 who was saying she never gets invited to dinner parties or group weekends away because people just don't want a single woman when it's all couples. She's a lovely, positive person who loves her life, but even she gets fed up with people's weird, judgemental views on women who are single after a certain age. She feels like they're (other women in particular) almost threatened by her or something.

The fact is, it's 2019 and as far as the general population is concerned, a woman's value is still based around whether she's married and/or has kids. Every time someone at work gets engaged, there's a flurry of congratulations and cards and presents that goes on for days, endless chat about wedding venues and dresses. A colleague got her PhD recently, sent an email around about it and got a couple of lacklustre 'oh, that's brilliant' comments in reply. No collection for a present, no talk of cards, for something that is a real achievement and took years of hard work. Yet someone puts a diamond on your hand and everyone is over the moon.

It's very sad IMO.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:36pm

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 7:38pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

Well, they're not.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

Yes, sometimes it's just idle small talk, but there is very often an edge to these kinds of questions. And sometimes people actually come out and ask me incredibly intrusive things like 'are you not worried you'll be too old for kids?' Way more often that you seem to think.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 7:39pm

I've been following this thread with interest and it's one of the reasons I signed back up.

I had two relationships in college, and none since. I'm 31 so that's 10 years now. I've had a lot of 'almosts' where I've gone on a few dates but it didn't work out, several friends-with-benefits situations and the odd ONS. I also have a lot of very meaningful platonic male friendships.

I do wonder what's wrong with me sometimes - and is it me or have I just had bad luck? I have issues with my mental health and self-esteem, but I know a lot of people with similar issues who have been able to find and maintain stable relationships.

I'm a valued friend, I'm considered fun - was thought of as a bit of a mad bitch in earlier years and that rep seems to follow me around even though it's no longer really true and hasn't been for quite a while.

Online dating is a nightmare and because I don't drink and I'm in my 30s now, I'm not on nights out that often.

I'd be interested to hear any genuine advice people have for meeting someone nice. I already have a number of hobbies and I'm outgoing.

AryaStark · 22-07-2019 7:39pm

Me and my ex partner tried for kids for years and were never able... I am now single and have been trying to have a baby by myself! Am 40 still in love with my ex who I split with nearly 10 years ago and have no interest in trying to find a suitable partner to have a baby with. I have had fertility tests and had to have surgery early this year and am now hopefully fertile! Have to have some more tests and will then be trying a round of ivf...
I will only be able to try one round and if it fails then I have to accept that it is not to be... I am almost scared to try as if it fails it will be so terrible. I had a few miscarriages when I was younger and am always wondering how them babies would have turned out.

One thing I hate is how people will say did you never want kids or assume that because you dont have them you didnt want them. I never ask people if they want kids or are trying.. Its so heart breaking when it doesnt work.

How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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