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Cheating

124

Comments

  • #152
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,366 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Had an argument with the gf recently. She had no problem with it. I did. She also had no problem cheating on an ex because "he was a prick". I wish I hadn't remember all this just now. Slightly boils my blood still.

    This is a major red flag. This is exactly what people mean when they say they ignored the warning signs.


  • #153
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    This is a conversation I had with a friend recently on cheating...her exact words.

    Have I ever cheated? Yes, some might say; however I wouldn't call what happened cheating as I had checked out of that relationship long before the so called "cheating" happened on my side (OK maybe it was cheating as we were still in a relationship at the time). Safe to say that shortly after it happened we did break up (he figured it out why in the end - didn't have to confirm or deny it - it was just so clear with my subtle hinting). I don't feel bad about it, he did it first and broke my heart. Does that mean I wanted to even out the score - not at all....or maybe....I was trying to escape I guess.

    It was the best thing we ever did (break up). Worst 3 years of my life being with him (well the last 2 were)...mentally abusive, extremely patronizing the list goes on, she says.

    Turns out he cheated on her a good few months before on a stag...came home with a few hickeys on his neck, poor woman only noticed it after she picked him up from the airport and took him back to his home town (near Mullingar). Did it happen before - she is certain it happened on many occasions.

    Did she try to break it off then, yes she did, unfortunately she stayed. However shortly after she met a guy in work and they had a fling. Still remembers that time with fondness she says...the time she spent with the other guy of course, not her then partner.

    Does she regret it, not a bit! She advised she needed it to happen this way for her to finally manage to break away and realize there are better "opportunities" out there.

    Funny enough she does condone cheating...guess we are complex creatures!


  • #154
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    On the ‘better opportunities’ train of thought...

    I knew a girl who quite openly said to me before she’d cheat on her boyfriend (who seemed like a perfectly decent bloke who treated her well) if a better opportunity came up. Kind of the same attitude to “It’s better to get a job from a job.”

    More than anything I felt bad for both him and her. He probably thought he was with someone totally devoted to him and she’s quite frank about this. She’s got zero sense of loyalty and wouldn’t think twice about breaking someone she claims to care about, so in turn probably can’t actually experience real love or happiness. There’s just no winners in it.


  • #155
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    To answer the OP question - I think we are all capable of cheating....and a good majority of us have and will cheat at some stage in our lives...

    Have I been propositioned...hell plenty of times especially in the last 4 years (yes he is married)....have I done anything about it.....nope! Would I agree to it if I were single? I can say, the honest answer here is YES, a big fat YES, but I am not single. I find it quite sad that a certain someone cant get/won't get the hint....and still lives in hope.

    Leggo - I think my friend was coming from a different prospective when she said opportunities or so I hope....I know it was a very bad relationship and it ended really badly...it resulted in a baby...and a lot of other terrible things....


  • #156
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    leggo wrote: »
    On the ‘better opportunities’ train of thought...

    I knew a girl who quite openly said to me before she’d cheat on her boyfriend (who seemed like a perfectly decent bloke who treated her well) if a better opportunity came up. Kind of the same attitude to “It’s better to get a job from a job.”

    More than anything I felt bad for both him and her. He probably thought he was with someone totally devoted to him and she’s quite frank about this. She’s got zero sense of loyalty and wouldn’t think twice about breaking someone she claims to care about, so in turn probably can’t actually experience real love or happiness. There’s just no winners in it.

    She sounds like a sociopath. I doubt she cares particularly if she can't actually experience real love.


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  • #157
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    I'd be curious to know who she was doing the cheating with @ Leggo :)


  • #158
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    Interesting school of thought. Maybe it was the case 150 years ago...but even with that...its hard to believe it.


  • #159
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    Redsky121 wrote: »
    There is a school of thought that men are the "true romantics" as they'll more likely devote themselves to one a woman whereas women are more likely "opportunistic", in that the "love" they speak of is actually an acceptance that they've done as well as they can. If it changes and they think they can do better then they "fall out of love".

    Not sure I agree but an interesting view nonetheless.

    Did you find that on an incel forum between 'Why are women such ****ing bitches when I'm such a nice guy' and 'All the women I like are whores because they like other men than me'?


  • #160
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    Redsky121 wrote: »
    No, just a rational discussion to determine underlying dynamics.

    I find men are also interested in the "social status" aspect - I cant even begin to tell you the things that have been said to me...but to sum it up...I didn't really make the cut due to the fact that I just wouldn't be good enough since I am a foreigner....family wouldn't accept it...hell they brought into discuss the job he does would take a dim view of my foreignness...and that's just one example...that came from a common "friend"!


  • #161
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    Anna2834 wrote: »
    I find men are more interested in the "social status" aspect - I cant even begin to tell you the things that have been said to me...but to sum it up...I didn't really make the cut due to the fact that I just wouldn't be good enough since I am a foreigner....family wouldn't accept...hell they brought into discuss the job he does would take a dim view of my foreignness...and that's just one example...that came from a common "friend"!

    There's plenty of women obsessed with social status out there too - that type of assholeism is non-gender specific.


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  • #162
    Anna2834
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭Anna2834


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    There's plenty of women obsessed with social status out there too - that type of assholeism is non-gender specific.

    ha ha ha fair enough, now that I am thinking the common friend who told me that, was in fact a woman....and she always did show off...ah well...guess its hard to get that out of my head.


  • #163
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    She sounds like a sociopath. I doubt she cares particularly if she can't actually experience real love.

    I wouldn't necessarily say sociopathic, but definitely high on the narcissistic scale. What's scarier there is that I think a LOT of the Insta generation these days are similar because social media, Love Island etc has programmed them to live their lives based around thinking everything they do is fascinating and they have to chase this mystical life to make other people jealous. Go to the gym, eat fancy food you can take pictures of, talk about Love Island, try to find someone you can go on a 'Sunday Funday' walk to Howth with, who'll buy you whatever jewellery all your other friends are getting off their fellas (so you can post a pic with the caption "He did good") and so on. I know so many people who follow that mould and it's all based around building this avatar of themselves for the world to see rather than actually becoming a healthy, well-rounded individual.

    BUT...I feel bad for those people. Being in love and having all of that is awesome, and what's awesome about it is giving yourself to a person and risking being hurt then having that risk pay off. But if you're constantly looking out for your own best interests because you can't do that, then you can't properly experience it. Your entire life is essentially a super posh ****. Whether they care or not because they've no data pattern for it is irrelevant, it's a massive loss to their life and they're the ones who suffer as a result.
    Anna2834 wrote: »
    I'd be curious to know who she was doing the cheating with @ Leggo :)

    I don't think she did tbh, not at least when we'd have been close (she didn't with me if that's what you're getting at). Although if you're walking around with those thoughts, it just takes a few drinks and the right opportunity to change that so who knows?


  • #164
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    The type of man that cheats a lot is also the type that seems to be irresistible to women. Maybe that's why women have the perception that all guys cheat? And its not about looks... There are plenty of good looking guys who do badly with women because they are too nice. A balding overweight Jack Nicholson type will win over a Michael Buble every time (weird comparison but you get the point)


  • #165
    Calhoun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    Deleted User wrote: »
    The type of man that cheats a lot is also the type that seems to be irresistible to women. Maybe that's why women have the perception that all guys cheat? And its not about looks... There are plenty of good looking guys who do badly with women because they are too nice. A balding overweight Jack Nicholson type will win over a Michael Buble every time (weird comparison but you get the point)

    I don't think nice or not nice comes into it, i think its a case of being comfortable in your own skin and being assertive/confident.

    I also don't think that all women think that men cheat but the ones who are attracted to traits in cheaters would.

    I get what your saying but the whole nice guy thing has such negative connotations about it.


  • #166
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    leggo wrote: »
    Go to the gym, eat fancy food you can take pictures of, talk about Love Island, try to find someone you can go on a 'Sunday Funday' walk to Howth with, who'll buy you whatever jewellery all your other friends are getting off their fellas (so you can post a pic with the caption "He did good") and so on. I know so many people who follow that mould and it's all based around building this avatar of themselves for the world to see rather than actually becoming a healthy, well-rounded individual.

    BUT...I feel bad for those people.     Being in love and having all of that is awesome, and what's awesome about it is giving yourself to a person and risking being hurt then having that risk pay off. But if you're constantly looking out for your own best interests because you can't do that, then you can't properly experience it. Your entire life is essentially a super posh ****. Whether they care or not because they've no data pattern for it is irrelevant, it's a massive loss to their life and they're the ones who suffer as a result.

    Did it ever occur to you that those types of activities are popular because a lot of people actually enjoy them?

    I know just as many people who saturate their social media with posts about hiking/meditating/baking and other more ‘wholesome’ activities that for some reason are considered more socially acceptable, as I do those who post about love island and brunch dates.

    Who are we to judge what other people, who aren’t harming anyone, find enjoyable?

    I don’t post much on social media but I enjoy most of the things that you mentioned on your list of judgements.That doesn’t mean I am to be pitied or I’m not a well rounded individual.

    I would never look down on someone or judge them for the types of things they do for fun, but for some reason it’s fair game on Boards to sneer and look down upon anyone who enjoys anything mainstream as if they are a bunch of unintelligent half wits.

    And for what it’s worth, my ex, who cheated on me, hated love island, wouldn’t go on nice walks and never once took a hint I gave for a birthday/chrisrmas gift. A healthy, well rounded individual he was not.


  • #167
    rainybillwill
    Site Banned Posts: 136 ✭✭rainybillwill


    Calhoun wrote: »
    I don't think nice or not nice comes into it, i think its a case of being comfortable in your own skin and being assertive/confident.

    I also don't think that all women think that men cheat but the ones who are attracted to traits in cheaters would.

    I get what your saying but the whole nice guy thing has such negative connotations about it.

    Women are smart they lie a lot. Look at the gender pay gap rubbish they are spreading, the quotas for females in cushy jobs no quotas for army or contruction. Men cheat more? who benefits from this lie??? WOMEN..


  • #168
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Did it ever occur to you that those types of activities are popular because a lot of people actually enjoy them?

    I know just as many people who saturate their social media with posts about hiking/meditating/baking and other more ‘wholesome’ activities that for some reason are considered more socially acceptable, as I do those who post about love island and brunch dates.

    Who are we to judge what other people, who aren’t harming anyone, find enjoyable?

    I don’t post much on social media but I enjoy most of the things that you mentioned on your list of judgements.That doesn’t mean I am to be pitied or I’m not a well rounded individual.

    I would never look down on someone or judge them for the types of things they do for fun, but for some reason it’s fair game on Boards to sneer and look down upon anyone who enjoys anything mainstream as if they are a bunch of unintelligent half wits.

    And for what it’s worth, my ex, who cheated on me, hated love island, wouldn’t go on nice walks and never once took a hint I gave for a birthday/chrisrmas gift. A healthy, well rounded individual he was not.

    I think you’re a bit triggered because you enjoy those activities, so you’re assuming I’m saying enjoying those activities is what makes a person this. It’s not. I go to the gym, I don’t watch Love Island but love a good walk, Howth is a nice place like, and I enjoy spoiling partners with stuff they like.

    The point is that people are now directed towards living a life, through social media, that focuses on building their own avatar and that’s what makes them narcissistic. I painted that particular picture because the portrait a lot of these people paint and thus build their life around what appears to be perfect and the ‘right’ thing to do/like rather than building their own individual life, ie they’re working on making the outside look nice while completely ignoring the inside.

    I remember chatting to someone I know after they broke up with a guy and were a bit lost, so I asked them “Well why not focus on you for a bit? What are your hobbies?” They went blank and couldn’t think of one thing they liked. Their hobby, the thing they did in life that was for them, was get a boyfriend and post about it on social media. But when you got to know them past that superficial stage, the relationships were a mess. And, even if you just saw their socials, every couple of months you could sub in a new bloke they did the same things with. A lot of people are like that now. They’ve no clue who they actually are and base that discovery off copying what other people do because they’re addicted to likes. And, if they get those likes, they feel validated so have no incentive to change despite everything around them constantly falling apart.

    That’s how I personally feel you’re getting a rise in this narcissistic type who see a partner as an accessory rather than an other half, hence little loyalty, hence cheating and the likes.


  • #169
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Leggos point is that it's not liking the activities that is the issue, it's pretending to like them so as to garner likes on social media. We all have our secret shame... I for example am a closet Fair City fan.


  • #170
    dapperdan101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭dapperdan101


    sorry to drag on this thread which has come to its inevitable end - like a bad relationship.
    im 40 yrs old and i have been on the recieving end of infidelity.
    its quite a complicated story really. ive worked hard all along, built a house, drive a decent motor. I met my "wife" when i was 27. we were soon living together, 2 kids, holidays, cars etc. what i thought was a good, honest life.
    she started a new job in 2014. made friends and i was happy she had another outlet. soon she joined a gym and shortly after a she told me a guy, Dave, was txting her but not to worry - it was just gym and work stuff.
    i didnt mind as i said i was happy she had another outlet. things were still great, sex was brilliant. we took regular family holidays. always kissed and said i love if the other was off to work.
    then signs started to appear like she never came home from a work do that was 5 miles away. when i asked why she said the taxi was too expensive!
    i checked her phone and sure enough i saw a pic of a naked guy she worked with, that she had been at the work do with the night b4!
    funny thing is she wasnt even with that guy, as far as i now. just never understand what kind of relationship they had where was comfortable sending nudes!
    she changed the pin on her phone and spent every day in the gym where the first guy, Dave, was.
    she changed her attitiude to me, got really nasty even about my friends coming over. she started trying to pay some of the mortgage and wanted my payslips to give to the guy she had nudes on her phone of. she said he could help with our taxes.
    all the time i was trying to keep it together for our 2 kids.
    eventually i got to breaking point, and tho not proud of this, i put a keglogger on her phone.
    sure enough within a week i read the sordid details of their past encounters and what they palnned next. funny thing is it was all her - he wasnt even bothered just that she was making it so easy for him.
    i confronted her and she denied it to the end. i told her i had the whatsapps she'd been deleting as she sent them. the keylogger was a godsend.
    she broke down then said she was sorry and wanted things to go back to the way they were!! i agreed for the kids and maybe a bit for myself. i didnt want to lose my kds, my home and everything i own.
    to protect myself and went to my solicitor but he more or less told me in ireland there is a no blame clause. court sees a breakdown of marriage and splits assets accordingly. in this case coz of the kids she would keep the house i built and am paying for!!
    anyway sorry for dragging this on but i thought things were good and we went on a family hoilday to disney.
    when we got back the keylogger was long gone. trust didnt come back so i set up a fake fb account. i sent her a message pretending to be him. sure enough within 4 messages she had given her new number and agreed to meet him.
    so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
    she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused or atleast lets on she is.
    i think about it every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. it never goes away.
    cheating is the most sinister, down right horrible disgusting thing a partner / wife / husband can do. it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.


  • #171
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,572 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Jez man sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you reading it.


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  • #172
    rtron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 640 ✭✭✭rtron


    dapperdan101 wrote: »
    ...
    so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
    she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused...
    ...it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.
    That's tough Dan, just going to suggest you add your post to PI where you will get some advice from others that had the same experience. You are certainly not trapped there are always options and from your post you sound like a resourceful guy.
    Definitely revisit another solicitor for legal advice, if your wife could not afford the mortgage then the house would be lost for you both and the kids so there might be another arrangement ye could make if ye split. If she could afford the mortgage at least you know your kids will have a roof over their heads. I doubt she will block your access to the kids either.


  • #173
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 25,160 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    Your not trapped, you have done nothing wrong (well the keylogger but aside from that). Be civil, say it's not working because of what's happened again (don't say how you know). You'd like to be civil and keep the kids happy so let's have a discussion about how we make that happen. You sound miserable, like it or not, the kids will pick up on that no matter how much you hide it. For your sake and theirs, don't get angry, don't raise your voice and talk to someone whose been through it before. I have friends who have split from their partners with kids and more often than not, it works out in a civil manner. Your never going to trust or forgive her so be honest about that and move on before you throw the rest of your life away.


  • #174
    Mrsmum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Mrsmum


    Monife wrote: »
    It's something I read on a psychology post about infidelity. I don't have kids and have obviously never lost one so I can't compare. But it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, to feel the one person you trusted the most could betray you like that. I'm out of the other side mentally now which is good.

    I'm on a few FB groups that discuss the issue and a large number have also been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being cheated on.

    Two of my friends were cheated on by their husbands. I could never have believed the effect it would have had on them. You think you could imagine it as bad but the level of pain and hurt they were in was unreal. They were strong, sound women and it utterly broke them so I agree with you that it is a horrendously painful thing. Sorry it happened to you. He was never worth a curse.
    In general I think in any long term relationship, you can't be in the honeymoon phase forever. It's funny though how people who cheat put their energy outside the relationship and then claim things weren't good or exciting within the marriage/relationship. Some people never outgrow needing the first all consuming passionate stage imo. Affairs anyway are totally different from a committed relationship. No washing dishes/hoovering/changing dirty nappies happening in affairs just having your ego and the rest stroked big time.


  • #175
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I went through similar OP and to say it was horrific is an understatement. I'm still not back to myself 6 years later but the first 2 to 3 years I barely functioned tbh, without a doubt it was PTSD.
    The only advice I can give to you is to tell a close friend or family member exactly what happened, you need someone you can trust to talk to that will just listen. I told nobody and I think that caused more trauma.
    Don't protect her, let people know what happened (without the private details) if they ask what has happened. Don't slate her in public.
    Don't fall for her attempts to get back together, it doesn't work after something like this.
    Finances are a big thing now, protect your money, make sure you have a track of what you're spending, I'd definitely suggest you check where you're savings are etc.
    It's an horrible thing to happen, similar to a death tbh, try to eat and sleep, talk to someone, mind yourself.


  • #176
    HamSarris
    Registered Users Posts: 109 ✭✭HamSarris




  • #177
    Mrsmum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Mrsmum


    Around the time my friend was cheated on, another acquaintance of ours lost her husband, he died suddenly. My friend said to me afterwards that at the time she actually envied that woman because the widow was able to grieve in an upfront, uncomplicated way whereas my friend, whose world also crashed suddenly ( as far as she was concerned),was grieving in a twisted way, she hated him and she still loved him and she hated herself for loving and hating him. Also she grieved for her children whose happy existence was forever changed And also you often lose his side of the family and ' his,' friends in a way you wouldn't through death so it's kind of like a complicated death.


  • #178
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,887 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    My two cents....Cheating is a really sh*tty thing to do to someone else - it’s a betrayal of trust and deceitful. Especially where there are kids involved. But it’s also very, very commonplace.

    But I will say this from the perspective of a gay man - gay guys who are in long-term relationships (and indeed married to each other these days) often have open relationships where the two spouses still deeply love each other but get their sexual jollies on the side from other men. It’s very common in gay male relationships and it does seem to work for a lot of gay men (that said, there are gay guys in monogamous relationships too who cheat, or get cheated on and there is huge pain, hurt etc).

    Because men in general can more easily separate out and compartmentalise sexual pleasure from love, open relationships (with clear agreed boundaries) can and do work.

    And being on an LGBT web forum the past 17 years - I can tell you that the number of deeply closeted gay men married to women with kids etc. who look to cheat on them with other men is a total eye opener. And all the excuses and justifications they make for cheating in the face of the reality of betrayal and not being prepared to bite the dust and end the marriage ... which was a sham anyway. It does sorta lessen your faith in the goodness of humans.


  • #179
    eagle eye
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38,930 ✭✭✭✭eagle eye


    JupiterKid wrote:
    And being on an LGBT web forum the past 17 years - I can tell you that the number of deeply closeted gay men married to women with kids etc. who look to cheat on them with other men is a total eye opener. And all the excuses and justifications they make for cheating in the face of the reality of betrayal and not being prepared to bite the dust and end the marriage ... which was a sham anyway. It does sorta lessen your faith in the goodness of humans.
    Everything you said was fine until.yiu went down the route of criticising them for not ending the marriage.
    If there's children involved it's often a case where the person puts their own needs behind that of their children and they should think that way imo.


  • #180
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    eagle eye wrote: »
    Everything you said was fine until.yiu went down the route of criticising them for not ending the marriage.
    If there's children involved it's often a case where the person puts their own needs behind that of their children and they should think that way imo.

    That's just an excuse.


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  • #181
    eagle eye
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38,930 ✭✭✭✭eagle eye


    eviltwin wrote:
    That's just an excuse.
    Well I'm a father and my kids come first.

    I don't have any issues as regards my marriage but if I did the no.1 concern would be my kids. I'm pretty confident I'll never have a decision to make but I've often thought about what I'd do if my wife cheated on me and the instant thoughts are kick the crap out of the person she cheated with and walk out but once I get into deeper thought about it I start thinking I'd never forgive her but maybe lie and say I did to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.

    I'd guess you don't have kids. I didn't understand the love parents have for their kids until my own came along.


  • #182
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    eagle eye wrote: »
    Well I'm a father and my kids come first.

    I don't have any issues as regards my marriage but if I did the no.1 concern would be my kids. I'm pretty confident I'll never have a decision to make but I've often thought about what I'd do if my wife cheated on me and the instant thoughts are kick the crap out of the person she cheated with and walk out but once I get into deeper thought about it I start thinking I'd never forgive her but maybe lie and say I did to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.

    I'd guess you don't have kids. I didn't understand the love parents have for their kids until my own came along.


    I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

    And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:


  • #183
    statto25
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,862 ✭✭✭statto25


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

    And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:


    Ive said this before in other threads but my own parents "stayed together for the kids" and myself and my siblings still have the scars of that decision and we are all adults now. They eventually separated but the damage was done. Our story is on the extreme end with violence and abuse and not all situs will be as extreme but even if there is any type of animosity between parents or indeed a lack of love, children pick up on this and it will impact their own lives later down the line.
    I am also a parent and I never want my kids to in that situation. I want them to grow up well rounded and loving people.


  • #184
    raclle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,384 ✭✭✭raclle


    Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly love. Happened to me previously and absolutely broke me. If you even consider cheating then end your relationship. You clearly don't care about your other half


  • #185
    david
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,684 ✭✭✭david


    dapperdan101 wrote: »
    sorry to drag on this thread which has come to its inevitable end - like a bad relationship.
    im 40 yrs old and i have been on the recieving end of infidelity.
    its quite a complicated story really. ive worked hard all along, built a house, drive a decent motor. I met my "wife" when i was 27. we were soon living together, 2 kids, holidays, cars etc. what i thought was a good, honest life.
    she started a new job in 2014. made friends and i was happy she had another outlet. soon she joined a gym and shortly after a she told me a guy, Dave, was txting her but not to worry - it was just gym and work stuff.
    i didnt mind as i said i was happy she had another outlet. things were still great, sex was brilliant. we took regular family holidays. always kissed and said i love if the other was off to work.
    then signs started to appear like she never came home from a work do that was 5 miles away. when i asked why she said the taxi was too expensive!
    i checked her phone and sure enough i saw a pic of a naked guy she worked with, that she had been at the work do with the night b4!
    funny thing is she wasnt even with that guy, as far as i now. just never understand what kind of relationship they had where was comfortable sending nudes!
    she changed the pin on her phone and spent every day in the gym where the first guy, Dave, was.
    she changed her attitiude to me, got really nasty even about my friends coming over. she started trying to pay some of the mortgage and wanted my payslips to give to the guy she had nudes on her phone of. she said he could help with our taxes.
    all the time i was trying to keep it together for our 2 kids.
    eventually i got to breaking point, and tho not proud of this, i put a keglogger on her phone.
    sure enough within a week i read the sordid details of their past encounters and what they palnned next. funny thing is it was all her - he wasnt even bothered just that she was making it so easy for him.
    i confronted her and she denied it to the end. i told her i had the whatsapps she'd been deleting as she sent them. the keylogger was a godsend.
    she broke down then said she was sorry and wanted things to go back to the way they were!! i agreed for the kids and maybe a bit for myself. i didnt want to lose my kds, my home and everything i own.
    to protect myself and went to my solicitor but he more or less told me in ireland there is a no blame clause. court sees a breakdown of marriage and splits assets accordingly. in this case coz of the kids she would keep the house i built and am paying for!!
    anyway sorry for dragging this on but i thought things were good and we went on a family hoilday to disney.
    when we got back the keylogger was long gone. trust didnt come back so i set up a fake fb account. i sent her a message pretending to be him. sure enough within 4 messages she had given her new number and agreed to meet him.
    so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
    she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused or atleast lets on she is.
    i think about it every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. it never goes away.
    cheating is the most sinister, down right horrible disgusting thing a partner / wife / husband can do. it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.
    Sorry mate


    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .




    Ah no in all seriousness that is horrendous, happened to me when I was younger, no kids, not living together, still knocked the wind out of me for a fair while. I hope to never find myself in that position.


  • #186
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 22,407 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

    And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:

    I did too however if myself and Mrs ever did come to the stage as where we were not compatable anymore I would do my damndest to remain living together in a civil manner rather than moving out. Men tend to have alot more to lose in these situations than women and kids from single parent families do not have the same outcomes as kids from families with both parents.


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  • #187
    Mrsmum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Mrsmum


    The decision to stay or split is surely in the hands of the injured party. After all by having a secret affair, the cheater has already decided s/he is staying put. Also it's adding insult to injury to say after being found out, yeah I cheated but I'm staying with you anyway for the sake of the kids. Can't see that having a hope of working.
    Also I would be of the opinion that in most cases the cheater is perfectly content in the marriage/relationship and it isn't that the relationship is bad at all. It's more akin,imo, to how we all love a hotel stay but we wouldn't want to live our life from a hotel. It's nice precisely because it's not the norm but the norm is what we actually prefer as a way of living. Likewise affairs,imo, are nothing more than desiring a change but at a reckless cost as they put everything at home at risk.


  • #188
    99nsr125
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Monife wrote: »
    I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

    Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

    I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

    It takes two to tango

    Statistically married women cheat more than married men, the men are just easy caught.


  • #189
    99nsr125
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    dapperdan101 wrote: »
    sorry to drag on this thread which has come to its inevitable end - like a bad relationship.
    im 40 yrs old and i have been on the recieving end of infidelity.
    its quite a complicated story really. ive worked hard all along, built a house, drive a decent motor. I met my "wife" when i was 27. we were soon living together, 2 kids, holidays, cars etc. what i thought was a good, honest life.
    she started a new job in 2014. made friends and i was happy she had another outlet. soon she joined a gym and shortly after a she told me a guy, Dave, was txting her but not to worry - it was just gym and work stuff.
    i didnt mind as i said i was happy she had another outlet. things were still great, sex was brilliant. we took regular family holidays. always kissed and said i love if the other was off to work.
    then signs started to appear like she never came home from a work do that was 5 miles away. when i asked why she said the taxi was too expensive!
    i checked her phone and sure enough i saw a pic of a naked guy she worked with, that she had been at the work do with the night b4!
    funny thing is she wasnt even with that guy, as far as i now. just never understand what kind of relationship they had where was comfortable sending nudes!
    she changed the pin on her phone and spent every day in the gym where the first guy, Dave, was.
    she changed her attitiude to me, got really nasty even about my friends coming over. she started trying to pay some of the mortgage and wanted my payslips to give to the guy she had nudes on her phone of. she said he could help with our taxes.
    all the time i was trying to keep it together for our 2 kids.
    eventually i got to breaking point, and tho not proud of this, i put a keglogger on her phone.
    sure enough within a week i read the sordid details of their past encounters and what they palnned next. funny thing is it was all her - he wasnt even bothered just that she was making it so easy for him.
    i confronted her and she denied it to the end. i told her i had the whatsapps she'd been deleting as she sent them. the keylogger was a godsend.
    she broke down then said she was sorry and wanted things to go back to the way they were!! i agreed for the kids and maybe a bit for myself. i didnt want to lose my kds, my home and everything i own.
    to protect myself and went to my solicitor but he more or less told me in ireland there is a no blame clause. court sees a breakdown of marriage and splits assets accordingly. in this case coz of the kids she would keep the house i built and am paying for!!
    anyway sorry for dragging this on but i thought things were good and we went on a family hoilday to disney.
    when we got back the keylogger was long gone. trust didnt come back so i set up a fake fb account. i sent her a message pretending to be him. sure enough within 4 messages she had given her new number and agreed to meet him.
    so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
    she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused or atleast lets on she is.
    i think about it every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. it never goes away.
    cheating is the most sinister, down right horrible disgusting thing a partner / wife / husband can do. it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.

    Give her chlamydia


  • #190
    paw patrol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,312 ✭✭✭paw patrol


    eagle eye wrote: »
    Well I'm a father and my kids come first.

    I don't have any issues as regards my marriage but if I did the no.1 concern would be my kids. I'm pretty confident I'll never have a decision to make but I've often thought about what I'd do if my wife cheated on me and the instant thoughts are kick the crap out of the person she cheated with and walk out but once I get into deeper thought about it I start thinking I'd never forgive her but maybe lie and say I did to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.

    I'd guess you don't have kids. I didn't understand the love parents have for their kids until my own came along.


    staying together for your kids is the worst thing you can do for them
    you are a much better parent if you are happy.



    Not aimed at you but I feel (having seen examples of it too) that staying together "for the kids" is one of the laziest and most selfish things you can do. Bourne out of fear of moving on into the unknown and/or fear of creating upheaval and change. It's got f all to do with the kids.


  • #191
    eagle eye
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38,930 ✭✭✭✭eagle eye


    paw patrol wrote:
    Not aimed at you but I feel (having seen examples of it too) that staying together "for the kids" is one of the laziest and most selfish things you can do. Bourne out of fear of moving on into the unknown and/or fear of creating upheaval and change. It's got f all to do with the kids.

    I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.


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  • #192
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 25,160 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    eagle eye wrote: »
    I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.

    Could that be because the parents involved didn't just cut their ties neatly? Anytime I have seen it cause issues is when they try when they shouldn't have or one party refuses to behave amicably, and the kids are caught in the cross fire. An amicable separation, even if its not amicable under the surface is the only sensible solution.

    I have a step daughter who had no issues with her parents splitting up, and nowadays both my partner and myself are good friends with her biological father. Kids who have to put up with parents faking it for years never turn out OK, they are far more intuitive than you give them credit for, not thinking about the guilt when they do find out.

    As said to the poster up above, swallow your pride, that marriage is over. Be amicable, try and come to a fair solution without getting messy. Don't raise your voice. You will be angry but you have to be the bigger person. Undoubtedly his partner will give the same spiel again, and we all know now that its simply not true. Be fair and simply say you can't go back, you tried once, and whatever her reasons, you don't need to hear them, get some professional advice for both of you, even do it together just to show that its amicable.


  • #193
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,590 ✭✭✭blue note


    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=101947004&postcount=82

    I'm glad people aren't being as binary in this as you sometimes see. Not all cheating is equal. Above is a post I put up a couple of years ago. I cheated in a previous relationship and I don't regret it. If I hadn't, I think I'd have gone on longer in an extremely unhealthy relationship. It would have been worse for both of us.

    Now I'm married, kid on the way, life is good. I certainly haven't cheated on my wife and have no intentions to.

    I think when people look at cheaters though they assume something must be wrong with their relationship. People underestimate how much some people, guys in particular, can get a few drinks in them and suddenly only care about getting a ride. They love their wife, have a happy family, are satisfied physically, etc. But they get a few drinks in them, start talking to a girl and suddenly they can forget about all meaningful things in their life that truly make them happy and can only think about getting their leg over this girl in front of them. It's pathetic, but far more common than people care to admit.

    The big coping mechanism for this is to avoid these situations altogether. Stay away from booze, if you're on a night out don't talk to strange women. Most stags that I've been on have been very self contained and I suspect this is why. Back in the day some of these lads would be chatting to every willing girl in the pub. Now, it's just not on the cards.


  • #194
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 25,160 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    blue note wrote: »
    I'm glad people aren't being as binary in this as you sometimes see. Not all cheating is equal. Above is a post I put up a couple of years ago. I cheated in a previous relationship and I don't regret it. If I hadn't, I think I'd have gone on longer in an extremely unhealthy relationship. It would have been worse for both of us.
    100%, I know people in fairly open relationships who are fine with it, good for them. I know people who know their partners are cheating but they never talked to them about it but seem fine with it as they aren't that interested, again, fine. In the above posters case, he doesn't seem fine with it, although I imagine his partner would be if she could get away with it, and most of us probably know a few people who stray for a few years and settle down with out the other half knowing. If my partner cheated on me, would I want to know, probably not. If I found out, I wouldn't be best pleased and it would probably be the end of the relationship, but maybe it wouldn't be, maybe at the time I'd think, fair play it wasn't working for us at the time. As with any relationship, both sides have to be OK with what's going on (if they know about it).
    I think when people look at cheaters though they assume something must be wrong with their relationship. People underestimate how much some people, guys in particular, can get a few drinks in them and suddenly only care about getting a ride. They love their wife, have a happy family, are satisfied physically, etc. But they get a few drinks in them, start talking to a girl and suddenly they can forget about all meaningful things in their life that truly make them happy and can only think about getting their leg over this girl in front of them. It's pathetic, but far more common than people care to admit.
    Agreed, talking to a co worker about it, and she said the same thing, everyone would do it in the right circumstances, including me, her or her husband. It would hurt but the truth is, in her world view, we are all animals and on any given day, we can make a choice which we normally wouldn't.


  • #195
    Tig98
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    I think its important to remember that we hold people to different standards, be it your friend, a colleague or you.

    If you hear around the office about a colleague having an affair behind his wife's back its easy to make judgements, as you dont know any of the circumstances. In this instance most people would label him as a cheater. General bad guy. Etc.

    If its you, or your friend, since you know the full circumstances its easy to brush aside personal responsibility. "Im still a good person, I only cheated due to this particular situation!".

    Im not throwing a dig at the guy above who said he cheated a few years ago, Im just hoping that people can notice their own bias and give some bit of the benefit of the doubt when talking about other people. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Of course cheating is not and should not be acceptable, but there are situations where you have a degree of empathy for both people involved.


  • #196
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 14,344 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I know a couple where the man broke up with the woman because he wanted to sleep around (theyve been in a relationship for years, since he was practically 18). They broke up over it, but she came back. She told him they're a couple and that's not acceptable. So he broke up with her again. She came back again. Said he can sleep around if he wants, but she isn't happy about it. She's not letting go of him, it seems, and he's stuck in limbo-land as a result.

    Dunno how that roundabout of a situation will ever resolve itself.


  • #197
    paw patrol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,312 ✭✭✭paw patrol


    eagle eye wrote: »
    I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.


    This is true I can't deny it but it's still better than the kids watching the sham marriage take place. For many reasons even if the split and the sham is amicable - for one it damages the kids emotionally and teaches them to accept a ****ty relationship


    When parents split some pain is unavoidable - you just need to decide which path to choose. Sharp Short term pain or long term throbbing ache.



    I know several adults who lived through a sham marriage growing up and not one of them is grateful their parent stuck it out.


  • #198
    Jenna James
    Registered Users Posts: 624 ✭✭✭Jenna James


    paw patrol wrote: »
    This is true I can't deny it but it's still better than the kids watching the sham marriage take place. For many reasons even if the split and the sham is amicable - for one it damages the kids emotionally and teaches them to accept a ****ty relationship


    When parents split some pain is unavoidable - you just need to decide which path to choose. Sharp Short term pain or long term throbbing ache.



    I know several adults who lived through a sham marriage growing up and not one of them is grateful their parent stuck it out.

    I'm one of those adults. 30 years since I was told about the affair. I was 10. Took another 15 at least before they split. Untold damage.


  • #199
    canonball5
    Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭canonball5


    I'm sorry but what the hell am I reading on here. This is exactly why society and women are the way they are today. Never ever let a woman or anyone disrespect you the way your wives are. I'm sorry if kids are involved and houses etc. Man up and kick these cheating disgusting scumbags out of your life. Man the F up and stop dealing with these narcissistic bitches. You will meet someone else who will love you and care about you and if you don't, you're better off alone rather than living a horrible life because some woman is getting attention from some pr1ck who only wants his hole!


  • #200
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 22,407 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    canonball5 wrote: »
    I'm sorry if kids are involved and houses etc. Man up and kick these cheating disgusting scumbags out of your life. Man the F up and stop dealing with these narcissistic bitches. You will meet someone else who will love you and care about you

    Easy thing to say but you are telling people not to see their kids on a daily basis. This would destroy alot of people alone.
    Also the home that you live in is probably not going to be available to you for too much longer. In addition you may not meet someone else. Some people are not suited to living alone and will wallow rather than thrive.

    That said I do agree that words should at least be had rather than passively tolerating the situation. There are lines you do not cross that have been crossed in some of the situations above that need to be resolved.


  • #201
    dapperdan101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭dapperdan101


    if the law was changed to actually hold people who cheat accountable for the break up of the marriage i think a lot of the low moral women would think twice. as it stands they can pretty much do as they please knowing that they will come out on top.
    im not saying all women are like this definitely not and prob as many men do it anyway.
    my wife carried on for yrs sneaking, lying and cheating on me and for what? the guy she was with was a complete loser who lived at home with his folks, was also cheating on his own gf and all for a 'badge' to show the lads he worked with that he could pull a married woman.
    hes gone on now, new job, new gf not a care in the world. im stuck with a cheater and everyday i look at her i just see them together and i feel sick to my stomach.
    but again as i mentioned before i cant kick her out. my only option is to suck it up or leave the kids and my house to cheater. its madness!!


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