Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

razorblunt · 11-01-2019 11:24am

ongarboy wrote: »

I don't understand it either. It's not just pubs or clubs where the excuse of booze may be blamed for some guys etiquette! I've worked in the IFSC in Dublin for almost 20 years. Gleaming office buildings full of supposedly more cultured guys in expensive designer suits....but with disgusting toilet habits. Recently, in our 4 cubicle mens toilet, I had to walk in and out of 3 cubicles before I found the 4th cubicle being acceptable. i.e. that didn't have piss spatter over the seats or skid marks or unflushed crap in it. I cringed (ok I smirked) at the thought of a visiting client we were trying to win business from seeing this!

I like the way some toilets in the USA have disposable/flushable paper rings you put on the seat before using. Although if the seat is soaked with the previous user's deposits, that is still not enough of a safeguard!

Rule of thumb - Perform your No 2s at home at all costs - nothing worse than having the urge in a packed pub or club with just one cubicle and a queue waiting/smelling/knowing it's you causing the delay!!

Some good points there. The skidmarks can be forgiven in the event of no toilet brush being present. I imagine the toilet brush is missing as the last one was covered in shítty toilet paper.

Always do a dump at work. Find the trap that's acceptable. Getting paid to do a dump is one of life's little pleasures!

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 11:31am

Ah here, the skidmarks thing, you're going in there to crap on it not eat your dinner off it! Very sensitive altogether.

Kevin Finnerty · 11-01-2019 12:10pm

stoneill wrote: »

It's all culchies - with their culchie sh1te and their culchie piss...

Bet they don't do it at home. Retain all that fudgy sludge for the big schmoke then release the hatches on arrival.

Boom_Bap · 11-01-2019 12:18pm

I just go in the cistern. Much bigger target so you rarely miss.
You just need to be a bit flexible, particularly in the under the stairs toilet.

Sir Oxman · 11-01-2019 12:32pm

Walsh's Pub in Stoneybatter has the best, cleanest lovely smelling jacks in Ireland.
Fact.
(And a great pint of Guinness)
It must be cleaned every 30 seconds or less.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 12:36pm

uptherebels wrote: »

I used to work as a porter in a busy four star hotel in the middle of a city when I was younger. Housekeeping would clean the women's during the day so we would only do it at night, but they are as bad as the gents.
As for the gents, **** on the walls, on top of the toilet roll holders ( imagine trying to clean the key slot on top of one of those). Toilets blocked from ****ty jocks that they tried to flush. Blobs of **** leading in (or out?) of the toilets and up the lobby, nevermind the poo footprints.
**** in places that you can't figure out how it got there as it looked like a spray.
The funny thing is I didn't notice the blobs because of the colour of floor tiles until I stood in it.
As a young lad I never understood why places wouldn't let you use the toilet unless you were a customer - then I worked in a hotel.

Women's toilets are as bad as that? Don't think I've ever been in one.

TheIrishGrover · 11-01-2019 12:39pm

Clearly the OP has never been abroad or even outside of Dublin.........

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 12:39pm

razorblunt wrote: »

Always do a dump at work. Find the trap that's acceptable. Getting paid to do a dump is one of life's little pleasures!

Could not agree more, I've even started adding up what I've earned while doing it.

Kevin Finnerty wrote: »

Bet they don't do it at home. Retain all that fudgy sludge for the big schmoke then release the hatches on arrival.

Its payback for all the fine Dubs in our prisons outside the pale. Seems to be a family ticket to the countryside for most. You take our sh*te, we'll take yours.

Day Lewin · 11-01-2019 12:42pm

Ah, OP - I can tell you have never travelled on Indian railways?

Or used a public loo in Vietnam or China?

I've seen some rough ones in France, too.

So lay off the knocking "Irishmen" -

No man can aim a willy accurately down the loo (as far as I can tell, having cleaned many)

Its funny, they'll boast of being a sharpshooter with snooker cues or guns or video games, but a plain excretory organ and a bowl eighteen inches across, from a distance of a few inches, they still can't hit the bullseye.

One of those Life Mysteries.

Larbre34 · 11-01-2019 12:52pm

Oh man, this thread is starting my weekend off so well, im coughing with the laughter here. 'Box of shoes out of an attic' may have broken me altogether!

I feel quite fortunate that im not squeamish about such things. Obviously i dont endanger my own health, but ive been able to relieve myself in some horrifying surroundings at times. I remember being at a concert long ago in the old Croke Park. The facilities were dire at the best of times, but this day when the Guinness and undercooked chip van food made its presence felt, i was able to (had to) top off a toilet whose contents was already above the rim without causing a landslide. Ah, memories.

Ive very seldom been in a women's bog and certainly never at a busy time, but the way my wife describes them they sound much worse than the Gents when they get out of hand.

gerrybbadd · 11-01-2019 12:56pm

Might be speaking for myself here, but there are few pleasures in life greater than heading into the jacks in someplace like a Truck Stop, and absolutely laying King Kong's finger down into the bowl.

The sense of pride one gets from knowing you've blocked a toilet intended for a big trucker's arse is immense

11-01-2019 12:58pm

I love my toilet, because we’ve been through so much **** together.

tigerboon · 11-01-2019 1:01pm

Deleted User wrote: »

As a child after learning to finally do a "stand-up pee" I quickly discovered the joys of what I called "the wee wee race". Got years of great entertainment out of it as a young lad.

Basically when you're standing over the bowl taking a whizz, mid-flow so to speak you then flush the toilet. The "race" is to see whether you can complete your pee before the toilet stops flushing. Ah, simpler times! Doesn't work anymore with modern jacks bowls being so fast, thus robbing an entire generation of this wonderful experience.

Playstations now!!

JohnnyFlash · 11-01-2019 1:39pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Might be speaking for myself here, but there are few pleasures in life greater than heading into the jacks in someplace like a Truck Stop, and absolutely laying King Kong's finger down into the bowl.

The sense of pride one gets from knowing you've blocked a toilet intended for a big trucker's arse is immense

Do you leave it just there without flushing? Maybe put a wizard’s hat on the top of it? Exorcising the demon of dinner past is all well and good, but surely some standards apply??

TheIrishGrover · 11-01-2019 1:41pm

1:30 in

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 1:44pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Might be speaking for myself here, but there are few pleasures in life greater than heading into the jacks in someplace like a Truck Stop, and absolutely laying King Kong's finger down into the bowl.

The sense of pride one gets from knowing you've blocked a toilet intended for a big trucker's arse is immense

My mate once brought a few of us into the jacks at a house party to see what he called "The Brown Anaconda". F*cking thing was standing up in the toilet, almost looking at us.

whisky_galore · 11-01-2019 1:48pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

My mate once brought a few of us into the jacks at a house party to see what he called "The Brown Anaconda". F*cking thing was standing up in the toilet, almost looking at us.

Stay classy.

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 1:48pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Do you leave it just there without flushing? Maybe put a wizard’s hat on the top of it? Exorcising the demon of dinner past is all well and good, but surely some standards apply??

If you work in an office with women and men with small single cubicle toilets, wait till late on Friday evening when everyone is gone home, head into the ladies toilet. Lay an ungodly length of pipe and then close the lid, no flush. Let it fester there and stew nicely for the weekend and whichever lady comes in first on Monday gets a lovely greeting.

Works best in summer.:D

gerrybbadd · 11-01-2019 1:52pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Do you leave it just there without flushing? Maybe put a wizard’s hat on the top of it? Exorcising the demon of dinner past is all well and good, but surely some standards apply??

Ah ya would of course flush. Sure how would you know you'd suitably blocked the toilet without having flushed first?

gerrybbadd · 11-01-2019 1:54pm

Ush1 wrote: »

If you work in an office with women and men with small single cubicle toilets, wait till late on Friday evening when everyone is gone home, head into the ladies toilet. Lay an ungodly length of pipe and then close the lid, no flush. Let it fester there and stew nicely for the weekend and whichever lady comes in first on Monday gets a lovely greeting.

Works best in summer.:D

Stick 2 of those Googly eye stickers on top, for comedic effect. Laughs all round

DS86DS · 11-01-2019 2:08pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

My mate once brought a few of us into the jacks at a house party to see what he called "The Brown Anaconda". F*cking thing was standing up in the toilet, almost looking at us.

Sh!t happens

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k30bOba64KQ

blanch152 · 11-01-2019 2:13pm

Day Lewin wrote: »

Ah, OP - I can tell you have never travelled on Indian railways?

Or used a public loo in Vietnam or China?

I've seen some rough ones in France, too.

So lay off the knocking "Irishmen" -

No man can aim a willy accurately down the loo (as far as I can tell, having cleaned many)

Its funny, they'll boast of being a sharpshooter with snooker cues or guns or video games, but a plain excretory organ and a bowl eighteen inches across, from a distance of a few inches, they still can't hit the bullseye.

One of those Life Mysteries.

I remember being in Asia and being told to follow my nose if I wanted to find a public toilet. Cubicle with a hole in the ground and nothing else, no urinal, no bowl to sit on, no toilet paper and no facility to wash hands. You learned fairly quickly to hold on until back in the hotel.

JohnnyFlash · 11-01-2019 2:34pm

Ush1 wrote: »

If you work in an office with women and men with small single cubicle toilets, wait till late on Friday evening when everyone is gone home, head into the ladies toilet. Lay an ungodly length of pipe and then close the lid, no flush. Let it fester there and stew nicely for the weekend and whichever lady comes in first on Monday gets a lovely greeting.

Works best in summer.:D

So you just ‘pinch off some spine’ and leave it floating in its watery grave for the weekend? Disgraceful behaviour.

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 2:37pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

So you just ‘pinch off some spine’ and leave it floating in its watery grave for the weekend? Disgraceful behaviour.

This bad boy won't float. You're talking a high-fibre, dense, telescopic baton of a turd. Thing will be halfway up the U bend.

Pissartist · 11-01-2019 2:42pm

Worst thing i ever saw in a urinal, was a turd.
Granted this was back in school in the 90's but i still cant believe someone stood back to front and dumped in a urinal.
Madness

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 2:44pm

Pissartist wrote: »

Worst thing i ever saw in a urinal, was a turd.
Granted this was back in school in the 90's but i still cant believe someone stood back to front and dumped in a urinal.
Madness

Username checks out.

Greentopia · 11-01-2019 3:25pm

Fuaranach wrote: »

Are there any countries where males do not behave like this in toilets? A society of men with toilet manners and toilet etiquette?

Germany and Sweden, from my experience. My fiancee is German and I go there frequently, and my experience is all toilets (ladies and unisex) are kept clean and well maintained. Even the ones on Autobahn service stations. Many are self flushing so that helps.
Germans are socialised from a very young age to be responsible and considerate towards others, to have self respect, and with cleanliness and order a high priority. This is what's lacking in Ireland. Of course not everyone but a sizeable minority. Same causes of the litter problems here. It's embarrassing to bring my other half here to Irish pubs and public conveniences sometimes when I see the state of the toilets.

I was at a large party in a disused factory in the middle of no-where in Thuringia (former East) over Christmas and they had two portaloos outside the venue. At the end of the night they were as clean as at the start. No piss, excrement or vomit anywhere. Also no-one falling around drunk or starting fights, but that's another matter...

Day Lewin wrote: »

No man can aim a willy accurately down the loo (as far as I can tell, having cleaned many)

My one can. See above reply-German. He pees sitting down like many German men for that very reason. It's great. Never once had to clean up after him when we lived together. They come ready trained

gerrybbadd · 11-01-2019 3:35pm

Greentopia wrote: »

Germany and Sweden, from my experience. My fiancee is German and I go there frequently, and my experience is all toilets (ladies and unisex) are kept clean and well maintained. Even the ones on Autobahn service stations. Many are self flushing so that helps.
Germans are socialised from a very young age to be responsible and considerate towards others, to have self respect, and with cleanliness and order a high priority. This is what's lacking in Ireland. Of course not everyone but a sizeable minority. Same causes of the litter problems here. It's embarrassing to bring my other half here to Irish pubs and public conveniences sometimes when I see the state of the toilets.

I was at a large party in a disused factory in the middle of no-where in Thuringia (former East) over Christmas and they had two portaloos outside the venue. At the end of the night they were as clean as at the start. No piss, excrement or vomit anywhere. Also no-one falling around drunk or starting fights, but that's another matter...

My one can. See above reply-German. He pees sitting down like many German men for that very reason. It's great. Never once had to clean up after him when we lived together. They come ready trained

5-8-pogreshni-tipovi-momci-so-koi-kje-izleguvate-vo-20-tite-godini-od-vashiot-zhivot-kafepauza.mk_1.gif

freshpopcorn · 11-01-2019 3:50pm

When I was at college I cleaned toilets and hotel rooms for a while. i generally preferred cleaning mens one's mainly because all you ever really had to deal with was a bit of piss wipe it and clean down the area.
The women's toilets used be covered in make up and they took forever to clean and sometimes people used out sanitary sanitary pads down the toilet.

Greentopia · 11-01-2019 3:58pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Yeah took me a while to get my head around it, but it makes sense from a hygiene point of view. They also have toilets with shelves in the bowl so that poop can stay on it if it needs to be um, inspected for health reasons and to stop water splash back. The Lad has one in his apartment. Mostly older design toilets, I don't think the newer ones have them.

JohnnyFlash · 11-01-2019 4:11pm

I wonder does Aongus Von Bismarck take a piss sitting down if that’s the case?

MaryBrosnan · 11-01-2019 4:15pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I wonder does Aongus Von Bismarck take a piss sitting down if that’s the case?

Maybe AVB has a shewee.

Boom_Bap · 11-01-2019 4:17pm

Rumour has it that AVB has a toilet seat installed at his desk instead of your standard office chair so that there is minimal disruption to his productivity.
He has also to sit pantless all day but who doesn't want to do that?

feargale · 11-01-2019 4:22pm

mosstin wrote: »

You're taking the piss.
We don't give a ****.

Without that kind of thinking the problem wouldn't exist.

ChikiChiki · 11-01-2019 4:23pm

Lads, we all know how disastrous that first pee of the day can be straight outta bed half asleep especially with the morning horn.

You'd nearly need a toilet bowl as big as the grand canyon to ensure no spillage.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 4:39pm

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Lads, we all know how disastrous that first pee of the day can be straight outta bed half asleep especially with the morning horn.

You'd nearly need a toilet bowl as big as the grand canyon to ensure no spillage.

Half of it ends up in the shower sometimes

irishgrover · 11-01-2019 4:55pm

I've not been in a women’s toilet since I used to clean them in pubs 20+ years ago.
However I do work manage a big team (50+ people). Part of that unfortunately involves dealing with things I have no ****ing interest in whatsoever and would be far happier not to know about. One such item is that state of the toilet facilities where I work (big modern building, with big modern facilities)
All of any toilet related problems I've had the misfortune to be indirectly exposed to (through complaints coming up the management chain) relate to lack of hygiene in the women’s facilities. Primary problems include
1. General uncleanliness, make up "stuff" discarded around the sinks
2. Inappropriate disposal of feminine sanitary products on the floor or in the toilet.
3. Unwillingness to use toilet brushes.
3. Defecating on the floor, close to, but not, in the toilet (more than once - a phantom ****ter)
4. An innocent user of the facilities stepping into and then slipping (with new white runners) into a problem left unnoticed by the phantom ****ter...

The only problem I have been aware of with the men’s facilities was a partially blocked urinal which quickly filled up when in use, thereby frightening the users that they would need to stop mid flow or make a bit of a mess.

Mine is not a scientific study and maybe there are less issues with the men’s facilities reported because men have lower standards, but the point is, men don't have a monopoly on a lack of basic toilet hygiene.

Floppybits · 11-01-2019 5:12pm

Elisha Better Baby wrote: »

Women's toilets are as bad as that? Don't think I've ever been in one.

Yep they are as bad. I worked in a bar and at the end of the night you would be sent in to collect any glasses in there and check that no one has fallen asleep. Sometimes you would need to wear waders in there was that much water/p1ss on the floor. Other times you would find a surprise crap on the floor of the cubicle.

w/s/p/c/ · 11-01-2019 5:13pm

A few years ago, I went to use the toilet in work for my afternoon pony. Stepped into the cubicle to notice some dirt bird had left a turd on the ground. (I ended up using the disabled toilets instead!)

Emailed HR to let them know that someone had left a mess on the floor and I was hoping that it was dog s*it and it needed to be cleaned up. Some people have no shame. Email went around and people had a laugh.

This was in a company in the IFSC also, where so called "professionals" spend 8 or more hours a day working and using the facilities. Would hate to see their houses.

The Tetrarch · 11-01-2019 5:54pm

Have you ever played in a poker tournament?
You visit the toilet, do your business, wash and dry your hands.
And notice that about half the players do not wash their hands.
Back at the tables everyone handles the cards every few minutes, hour after hour.

uptherebels · 11-01-2019 6:00pm

The Tetrarch wrote: »

Have you ever played in a poker tournament?
You visit the toilet, do your business, wash and dry your hands.
And notice that about half the players do not wash their hands.
Back at the tables everyone handles the cards every few minutes, hour after hour.

Don't ever take change from a pub/bar!

DEFTLEFTHAND · 11-01-2019 6:06pm

Do you ever notice that only men find things like farting and fecal matter hilarious?

What's wrong with us? Why are we wired this way?

_Brian · 11-01-2019 6:10pm

I wonder sometimes what some people do in public toilets.

It’s like an competition to shiit and piss everywhere, use as much paper as you can and block the loo when your done.

Really, I’m on the road allot in my job and so use public facilities daily. Men seem completely incapable of pointing their knob into a toilet bowl and controlling themselves. I’m sure it’s not like that at home so it must be a total break down of their civility when they see a public loo.

As for the hoards that run out without washing their hands, Jesus considering how poor their control is you’d imagine washing their hands would be a priority.

The only place I’ve seen dirtier public toilets than Ireland was in Egypt.

AndrewJRenko · 11-01-2019 6:19pm

My father-in-law came out of the loo just before I went in, while we were both visiting another house over Christmas. I was greeted with large amounts of his pi$$ around the seat and the floor.

So I had to clean up his pi$$ to avoid getting blamed for it being my pi$$. Yeuch.

Zorya · 11-01-2019 6:26pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Do you ever notice that only men find things like farting and fecal matter hilarious?

What's wrong with us? Why are we wired this way?

Some ladies quite enjoy scatalogical humour.

Jimbob1977 · 11-01-2019 6:31pm

I went to a restaurant in Skopje, Macedonia a few years ago.

The toilet was Slavic style, i.e. a flat ceramic unit built into the floor. Zero height. Like crapping in the woods.

You had to squat for #2s.

Funnily enough, our Western-style toilets cause more haemmerhoids than squat toilets.

James Brown · 11-01-2019 6:42pm

Is this a thread about poor aul' George Michael's favourite hobby? Either way just wash your hands after and don't be a scummer.
The amount you see don't wash their hands after a whizz is manky.

Brendan Bendar · 11-01-2019 6:59pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Just take a shît before you go to the pub. Then don’t go for a piss until you’ve had at least 6 pints. This stuff isn’t rocket science, pal.

Why would you not wait till you get a nice warm stall to pump out a length of rope,John.

No seat wear, no brushing, fire and forget, man, ignore the fawn footprint.

Someone else’s bog roll, John.

What’s not to like about that,dude.

JohnnyFlash · 11-01-2019 7:00pm

I was in a pub on Baggot Street during the summer, and was in the jacks draining my main vein. I spotted a well-known TV 'celebrity chef' emerge out of one of the cubicles. The fúcker was still pulling up his chinos and belting up as he walked out. Then he looked at the sink, turned around, and wiped his hands down the front of his trousers, before walking out the door with not a care in the world. Spotted the dirty bastard at the bar a few minutes later demolishing a bag of scampi fries, and hoovering down the porter like he was dying of the thirst.

JohnnyFlash · 11-01-2019 7:05pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Why would you not wait till you get a nice warm stall to pump out a length of rope,John.

No seat wear, no brushing, fire and forget, man, ignore the fawn footprint.

Someone else’s bog roll, John.

What’s not to like about that,dude.

Fair questions, Brendan. Where your argument falls down is the assumption that no other fúcker has the same ideas and principals as the ones you allude to. Can't take the risk of opening a cubicle door, and discovering a 'dead otter' looking up at you, along with a wojus 'fent' of scutter that would knock down a Bombay sewage plant worker.

Even if that isn't the case, you always find pubs tend to scrimp on the quality of the toilet paper - rough 2-ply at most. And I really can't abide sitting down on the throne and discovering some latent heat because of the fat cúnt that was holding court there only 5 minutes earlier.

Very much an AM and home 'pooper'. A mug of coffee and 2 benson and hedges, and I'm goose stepping into the ensuite with a look of urgency on my face.

Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

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