What's the etiquette here??

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 3:51pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

Jesus stop I cracking up here...:D:D

The frustrating thing about ghosties is that sometimes you know its a beauty and it's gone- no chance to marvel in its oblong perfect wonder.

Perhaps that's the point. It was indeed too beautiful to be seen. The unicorn of turds.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 3:51pm

Ray Bloody Purchase wrote: »

Is it too much to ask for your personal space not to be invaded during these precious, fleeting moments???

I had the thoroughly uncomfortable experience of getting in sync with the office oddball. Even when I tried to alternate the timing but he’d still either be there or come in after I’d arrived.

He was a “middle stallwart”, no matter what that was the one he’d be in. Was a nightmare. Went on for the guts of two years too. Think he had some form of IBS or something. He’d grunt, mutter and belch loudly and constantly. Then you had the arse orchestra playing strains of slushy bebop jazz.

It actually transpired that we weren’t exactly on the same “cycle”, he was just in the bog all the time. His contract was not renewed.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 3:54pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

That’s known as a “magic” round these parts. I had one there the other week. Was a truly joyous experience as I wasn’t in the best facilities.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 3:58pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s known as a “magic” round these parts. I had one there the other week. Was a truly joyous experience as I wasn’t in the best facilities.

Sounds like the type of turd you want to tell your whatsapp group about.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 4:04pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like the type of turd you want to tell your whatsapp group about.

“The Shy Talks”, doubt very much any of them would be on here so they won’t see.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 4:15pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Only if it is, in fact, nice. I’m not throwing out laudations willy-nilly.

Was in a place in Myrtle Beach, kip of a bar, dunnies consisted of two urinals set close together with no barrier and a trap with the fcuking bottom of the door three feet above the floor.

Was having a good piss after playing Waterway Hills when in walks this gimp,wide as camper van, up to the adjoining bowl, pulls out a schlong like a fcuking lump hammer ,puts his hands behind his head,and proceeds to gush piss like a dray horse.

I could feel the fcuking spray coating my shorts and legs, fcuker must have left at least a half gallon in the bowl, then a big exaggerated shake of the knob,throwing huge droplets of piss all over me.. not a bother on the kernt, never washed the hands, and when I go out there he was with his mates dipping into a communal bowl of wings and fries.

Filthy kernt.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 4:18pm

Reminds me of sharing a house on a J1 with 6 other lads.

Something about living in the US the food made us all have monster turds. I mean 9-10 inches at a time and in one solid piece. Work of art if truth be told.

Lads were fierce proud and on several occasions we were summoned to the toilets to marvel at the creation.

11-04-2019 5:04pm

partyguinness wrote: »

You're up there with Wilde and Yeats for elegance in prose..:D

Stuck up his own orifice perhaps, more an unsophisticated Bukowski.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 5:18pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Stuck up his own orifice perhaps, more an unsophisticated Bukowski.

You strike me as a very ‘bound up’ sort of individual. Might I suggest you get more fibre in your diet? And stop following me round from thread to thread like a beggar looking for spare change. Very unbecoming.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 11-04-2019 5:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You strike me as a very ‘bound up’ sort of individual. Might I suggest you get more fibre in your diet? And stop following me round from thread to thread like a beggar looking for spare change. Very unbecoming.

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

11-04-2019 5:27pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

Struck a nerve in the duelling accounts department. Only two minutes apart, quality control is slipping somewhat.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 5:29pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

Feet up, cracked the head open on a can of lager, and watching the golf on the telly. Life ain’t bad, Paddy! Had an A1 shîte earlier as well, so in tip-top form.

Alpha_zero · 11-04-2019 5:39pm

Did he high splatter the bowl with specs of Faecal mater? You the particles that will not flush.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 6:22pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Feet up, cracked the head open on a can of lager, and watching the golf on the telly. Life ain’t bad, Paddy! Had an A1 shîte earlier as well, so in tip-top form.

Probably Excelsior or some other cheap piss, no wonder the sofa is stained and a whiff of stale drittle off it.

Probably had a table spoon of Liquid Parrafin to encourage that baton round out.

Seedy kernt.

TomasMacR · 11-04-2019 6:23pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Reminds me of sharing a house on a J1 with 6 other lads.

Something about living in the US the food made us all have monster turds. I mean 9-10 inches at a time and in one solid piece. Work of art if truth be told.

Lads were fierce proud and on several occasions we were summoned to the toilets to marvel at the creation.

This reminds of a business idea this rather large and disgusting Welsh lad I knew had, which he was deadly serious about. Remember the card game called Top Trumps? Well he wanted to genuinely make a card set called ‘Top Dumps’. Pictures of dumps competing with one another in various categories.He even had all the categories worked out; length, girth, potency etc. I spoke to him about it on more than one occasion and tried pointing out that looking at someone else’s sh*te isn’t what most people want to do and that it wasn’t like looking at a race car or a dinosaur but he seemed totally unfazed by it. Not sure if he ever tried to get it off the ground.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 6:44pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was in a place in Myrtle Beach, kip of a bar, dunnies consisted of two urinals set close together with no barrier and a trap with the fcuking bottom of the door three feet above the floor.

Was having a good piss after playing Waterway Hills when in walks this gimp,wide as camper van, up to the adjoining bowl, pulls out a schlong like a fcuking lump hammer ,puts his hands behind his head,and proceeds to gush piss like a dray horse.

I could feel the fcuking spray coating my shorts and legs, fcuker must have left at least a half gallon in the bowl, then a big exaggerated shake of the knob,throwing huge droplets of piss all over me.. not a bother on the kernt, never washed the hands, and when I go out there he was with his mates dipping into a communal bowl of wings and fries.

Filthy kernt.

I’ll tell you something, Brendan, it’s unsavoury behaviour alright but I’m loathe to condemn it outright as I was the “bad guy” in a situation close to that.

I’d been drinking pretty heavily in a pub called “The Pale”, it’s a hipster bar now from what I gather. Great pub at the time, a real “spit on the floor” place, even used to let you smoke in the lower part even after the smoking ban was in.

Anyway, there was a little person, a dwarf not a child, running around from table to table having “de craic” as they say. He had the terrible misfortune of sidling up beside me at the urinal, the galvanised sheet metal type. When the pressure was up the spray was too. This lad was just over hip height and took a considerable amount from head to toe. Didn’t seem to bother him one iota, not a jot.

Over to the sink, a quick wipe down with some paper towels and off he went back into the fray. Didn’t say a word, guess he was well used to it.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 7:27pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

This reminds of a business idea this rather large and disgusting Welsh lad I knew had, which he was deadly serious about. Remember the card game called Top Trumps? Well he wanted to genuinely make a card set called ‘Top Dumps’. Pictures of dumps competing with one another in various categories.He even had all the categories worked out; length, girth, potency etc. I spoke to him about it on more than one occasion and tried pointing out that looking at someone else’s sh*te isn’t what most people want to do and that it wasn’t like looking at a race car or a dinosaur but he seemed totally unfazed by it. Not sure if he ever tried to get it off the ground.

Tee.. just a thing a friend told me , there is a site which rates dumps out there.

I’m banned from it...........:eek:

No , not really but there’s plenty.

Gimme A Pound · 11-04-2019 7:57pm

You know those really big folks who need someone to wipe their bum - what in the name of god kinda poos would they be doing :eek: and how does the arse wiper feel about this role.

Hal3000 · 11-04-2019 8:03pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Real leadership here. He can muzzle up and wait for more appropriate time in the future. You'll make a gentleman of him yet !

Roger Hassenforder · 11-04-2019 8:46pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

I'm in tears that someone could consider it as something someone would do. Gold.

Have to admit a little malevolence:

Row of traps, and you burst in to drop a deuce, you spot bum fodder hanging from the underneath of the metal drum, and you drop the keks open the penstock sure in the knowledge theres paper...

But what if a previous patron had used the last of the bogroll, bar three sheets... just enough to drape around the empty spool and hang down...
Single ply ideally.

Its actually a disciplinary matter now in the OPW, agreed with SIPTU and management after a Assistant Secretary General of the Dept. Public Expenduture was caught badly at a strategic policy meeting.

Roger Hassenforder · 11-04-2019 8:49pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Excellent intervention.
Nipped it in the bud, excellent example of leadership and management, a very rare combination these days

John DoeReMi · 12-04-2019 2:48am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ll tell you something, Brendan, it’s unsavoury behaviour alright but I’m loathe to condemn it outright as I was the “bad guy” in a situation close to that.

I’d been drinking pretty heavily in a pub called “The Pale”, it’s a hipster bar now from what I gather. Great pub at the time, a real “spit on the floor” place, even used to let you smoke in the lower part even after the smoking ban was in.

Anyway, there was a little person, a dwarf not a child, running around from table to table having “de craic” as they say. He had the terrible misfortune of sidling up beside me at the urinal, the galvanised sheet metal type. When the pressure was up the spray was too. This lad was just over hip height and took a considerable amount from head to toe. Didn’t seem to bother him one iota, not a jot.

Over to the sink, a quick wipe down with some paper towels and off he went back into the fray. Didn’t say a word, guess he was well used to it.

It wasn't Peter Dinklage was it? On a day trip down from Belfast in between episodes of Game of.......Thrones?

Ray Bloody Purchase · 12-04-2019 8:24am

John DoeReMi wrote: »

It wasn't Peter Dinklage was it? On a day trip down from Belfast in between episodes of Game of.......Thrones?

Peter Tinkle-age.

Ush1 · 12-04-2019 9:00am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Proper order Johnny, let him know he's on a yellow card.

Hector Savage · 12-04-2019 9:51am

TomasMacR wrote: »

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

True tis rare enough allright, but great all the same when it happens!!

Hector Savage · 12-04-2019 9:56am

Can Pintman and JohnnyFlash do a podcast or an AMA ?

Hector Savage · 12-04-2019 9:58am

Kaden Mysterious Pointer wrote: »

You know those really big folks who need someone to wipe their bum - what in the name of god kinda poos would they be doing :eek: and how does the arse wiper feel about this role.

Sumo wrestlers apparently have the apprentice wipe their arse, don't know if this is an urban myth or not ..

EmmetSpiceland · 12-04-2019 10:24am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Sumo wrestlers apparently have the apprentice wipe their arse, don't know if this is an urban myth or not ..

The old “rag on a stick” routine works best.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 12-04-2019 10:49am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The old “rag on a stick” routine works best.

Speaking from experience?

dos30 · 12-04-2019 10:54am

There's a name for people like him... Turd Burglar

When you finally find an empty public restroom for a dump so massive that it requires complete solitude for the deposit....and then someone walks in.(especially at your office/work place)
Just as I was about to 'release the beast', some turd buglar entered the bathroom causing my sphincter to snap shut!

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=turd%20burglar

What's the etiquette here??

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