How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 10:00pm

Double post

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 10:00pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Here's the thing though. You're acting as if she owes you something, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that she invited you over one time. She clearly has no interest in dating you and has been upfront and honest about that.

I've had similar things happen with fellas in the past. Initial interest and then realising I didn't want to pursue anything. Sometimes it was something offputting the fella said or did or just not feeling a connection, but often it was little to do with him. I just decided I didn't want to start seeing someone, maybe because of mental health, physical health, family stuff going on, realising I wasn't over an ex, whatever. A date or a kiss doesn't come with an obligation to date the man just because he wants to.

One of the worst things about online dating for me was the lack of respect for my decisions and boundaries. I'd get lads blowing up my phone asking me what was wrong with them and it often turned to insults. As if them finding me attractive meant I was obliged to date them. There seems to still be this deep seated attitude in some men that women are there to be 'chosen' and their ego can't cope with rejection, even if it's polite and direct.

The woman invited you around and you kissed. She didn't want anything more. The fact you're so obsessed with her is quite concerning and makes you seem very entitled. She's a human being with her own mind and an entire life you know nothing about. Painting her as an awful person who broke your heart is very immature. She hasn't messed you around or led you on or mistreated you. You had one kiss and she very quickly and very clearly said she's not interested.

You should apply that logic to your ex.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:01pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

But isn't that what you're trying to do? Follow the script and do what's supposed to be done? You want marriage and kids, right?

You seem to be judging marriage and kids yourself? But that's what you're striving for?

I want them because I want them, not to follow some script. I think some people almost sleepwalk into it without considering if it's what they actually want, and if they married at a young age they might feel like they've missed out on other things.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:01pm

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:04pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You should apply that logic to your ex.

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:07pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Here's the thing though. You're acting as if she owes you something, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that she invited you over one time. She clearly has no interest in dating you and has been upfront and honest about that.

I've had similar things happen with fellas in the past. Initial interest and then realising I didn't want to pursue anything. Sometimes it was something offputting the fella said or did or just not feeling a connection, but often it was little to do with him. I just decided I didn't want to start seeing someone, maybe because of mental health, physical health, family stuff going on, realising I wasn't over an ex, whatever. A date or a kiss doesn't come with an obligation to date the man just because he wants to.

One of the worst things about online dating for me was the lack of respect for my decisions and boundaries. I'd get lads blowing up my phone asking me what was wrong with them and it often turned to insults. As if them finding me attractive meant I was obliged to date them. There seems to still be this deep seated attitude in some men that women are there to be 'chosen' and their ego can't cope with rejection, even if it's polite and direct.

The woman invited you around and you kissed. She didn't want anything more. The fact you're so obsessed with her is quite concerning and makes you seem very entitled. She's a human being with her own mind and an entire life you know nothing about. Painting her as an awful person who broke your heart is very immature. She hasn't messed you around or led you on or mistreated you. You had one kiss and she very quickly and very clearly said she's not interested.

I think this is a little harsh. If a guy I really liked and had been hanging out with invited me back to his place and we kissed, I would be very hurt if he rejected me the next day, and if nothing else, I would feel like I was owed an explanation.

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 10:07pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

Same logic applies, people are entitled to leave long term relationships and owe you nothing. People can change their mind at any stage and walk, it happened to me but I'm not crippling myself with a massive chip on my shoulder.

ToddyDoody · 22-07-2019 10:08pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

There's the sandpaper again.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:09pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

Where do these women live? It's common enough in Dublin, but in rural Ireland (where half my family is from), people still get married and/or have kids around their mid twenties. Several of my friends from primary school have kids in secondary school by now. We're 34.

And I don't count women who met their partners in their twenties as 'single'. Half of your sample group were indeed settled with partners in their twenties and the third met her partner around 30. You're kind of proving my point here.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:12pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Same logic applies, people are entitled to leave long term relationships and owe you nothing. People can change their mind at any stage and walk, it happened to me but I'm not crippling myself with a massive chip on my shoulder.

And where did I say otherwise? I've ended relationships, I know people are allowed to leave.

What I'm saying is that it's a normal reaction to be heartbroken and devastated after the end of a long relationship where your lives were totally entwined and you'd made all kinds of future plans together.

It's not remotely normal to be heartbroken and devastated because the woman you kissed ONCE doesn't want to see you again.

I can't believe this needs explaining.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:14pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Where do these women live? It's common enough in Dublin, but in rural Ireland (where half my family is from), people still get married and/or have kids around their mid twenties. Several of my friends from primary school have kids in secondary school by now. We're 34.

And I don't count women who met their partners in their twenties as 'single'. Half of your sample group were indeed settled with partners in their twenties and the third met her partner around 30. You're kind of proving my point here.

Three of the four are from county towns in Galway. The fourth is from Eastern Europe.

If your point remains "people see single women over 30 as worthless" then I'm absolutely not proving that point. I have never been made to feel that way either in Dublin or Galway. It's not regarded as unusual at all to be single at 30 in my peer group or in any office I've worked in.

There's a meme about it that goes something like "I'm at that age where half my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phones".

That sums it up pretty well for me, we're in that 'in between' phase - certainly not on the shelf for life.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:17pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

Change the genders and you'd think I was a heartless player, an asshole.

Whatever. **** her. You can't just mess people around like that. Doubt I'm the first.

No, I wouldn't.

Do you think men don't kiss women (and much more) and then decide they don't want to take it further?

It's called 'life'. Honestly. We've all been there. She didn't remotely mistreat you or screw you over. You kissed and she decided she didn't want more.

How did she 'mess you around'?

She told you she didn't want anything with you, quickly and directly. Why do you seem so keen to believe she had some kind of twisted agenda to break your heart?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 10:17pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

I can think of one explicit comment I've gotten recently, there's an Italian Roma guy who sells the Big Issue beside where I work, he brings his son in for ice cream some afternoons, we get on well and have a good chat in that way people do when they've about fifty words of each other's languages :pac: anyways he had another kid recently and was showing me pictures then mimed his way through the "and what about your kids" question. I said no, no babies and his jaw nearly hit the floor "whaaaat?? No babies???"

That's obviously coming from a different culture though. I've worked with and dealt with some sexist dinosaurs over the years in this country, and while there can certainly be an unconscious or more subtle negative attitude, explicit comments like that are a vanishingly small exception in my experience.

I do get comments from my older family members and they do sometimes get to me, but I know they wouldn't be talking to co-workers or acquaintances that way either.

I'm 30 and in a LTR, most of my friends would be coupled up, very few with kids, very few married, I can't think of any who are both, any of the married ones visas/residency played a big part.

Edit: I'm from the ruralest of rural Ireland.

ToddyDoody · 22-07-2019 10:18pm

Is there any fun left in you Laney?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:20pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

And where did I say otherwise? I've ended relationships, I know people are allowed to leave.

What I'm saying is that it's a normal reaction to be heartbroken and devastated after the end of a long relationship where your lives were totally entwined and you'd made all kinds of future plans together.

It's not remotely normal to be heartbroken and devastated because the woman you kissed ONCE doesn't want to see you again.

I can't believe this needs explaining.

I cried for three days in October over a guy I had never met. He lived far away and we texted a lot for about six weeks, and then he told me he wasn't interested. I was absolutely gutted.

You don't get to tell people how upset they are allowed to feel about something.

I have a cousin who ended an 11 year relationship and felt nothing but relief.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:21pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Three of the four are from county towns in Galway. The fourth is from Eastern Europe.

If your point remains "people see single women over 30 as worthless" then I'm absolutely not proving that point. I have never been made to feel that way either in Dublin or Galway. It's not regarded as unusual at all to be single at 30 in my peer group or in any office I've worked in.

There's a meme about it that goes something like "I'm at that age where half my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phones".

That sums it up pretty well for me, we're in that 'in between' phase - certainly not on the shelf for life.

Well, I certainly agree with that. I don't think 30s is old at all and find that viewpoint ridiculous, but I am one of very few mid 30s women at my (very big) workplace who isn't married/engaged/a mother. Very, very few of the men are single. Maybe it is unusual, who knows?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:23pm

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

I can think of one explicit comment I've gotten recently, there's an Italian Roma guy who sells the Big Issue beside where I work, he brings his son in for ice cream some afternoons, we get on well and have a good chat in that way people do when they've about fifty words of each other's languages :pac: anyways he had another kid recently and was showing me pictures then mimed his way through the "and what about your kids" question. I said no, no babies and his jaw nearly hit the floor "whaaaat?? No babies???"

Oh I did get a lot of that when I lived in the Middle East, where a woman being single and unmarried at my age would be very unusual and fairly frowned upon.

I get the odd "you career girls think you can have it all" type comment. The only hurtful one I got lately was about a year ago - an aunt who's pretty miserable in her own marriage told me I'm too picky (if anything I'm not picky enough!) and I said to her "Do you not think I should be fairly picky about choosing someone to spend ther est of my life with?"

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:26pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

I cried for three days in October over a guy I had never met. He lived far away and we texted a lot for about six weeks, and then he told me he wasn't interested. I was absolutely gutted.

You don't get to tell people how upset they are allowed to feel about something.

I have a cousin who ended an 11 year relationship and felt nothing but relief.

You're allowed to feel however you want, but saying things like 'fck him/her' and acting as if the person did you wrong just isn't on. It's entitled, immature and frankly weird.

It's the kind of attitude which would be understandable from someone who had been cheated on or physically assaulted or mistreated in some other way.

Accusing someone of messing you around because they kissed you once and decided not to pursue things is not at all reasonable. A woman doing this would be called a crazy bunny boiler. It's not a gender thing.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:27pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well, I certainly agree with that. I don't think 30s is old at all and find that viewpoint ridiculous, but I am one of very few mid 30s women at my (very big) workplace who isn't married/engaged/a mother. Very, very few of the men are single. Maybe it is unusual, who knows?

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Do you see the distance between "very few women in their mid-30s are single" and "women in their mid-30s who are single are worthless"?

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:27pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

I think this is a little harsh. If a guy I really liked and had been hanging out with invited me back to his place and we kissed, I would be very hurt if he rejected me the next day, and if nothing else, I would feel like I was owed an explanation.

Why are you owed one though? And more to the point, what would it really achieve?

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:28pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Do you see the distance between "very few women in their mid-30s are single" and "women in their mid-30s who are single are worthless"?

Do you see how being one of very few mid-30s single women might attract comments which imply there's something wrong with you to still be single? Given that it's so uncommon?

Yes, maybe we are getting somewhere.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-07-2019 10:29pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Why are you owed one though? And more to the point, what would it really achieve?

Aren't you the one looking for openness and honesty? It works both ways.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:30pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

The absolute arrogance of you saying that when seem a bitter wreck of a person...

Honestly, this place is like some parallel universe. Someone posting that bitter sh1t about someone they had one kiss with, on any other forum I frequent, would rightfully be torn to pieces.

She didn't lead him on.

She didn't lie to him.

She didn't ghost him.

She had one kiss and for whatever reason decided she didn't want to pursue it, told him so, and now she's a heartless b1tch who broke his heart?

Jesus wept.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:32pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Why are you owed one though? And more to the point, what would it really achieve?

Because ghosting someone is a crappy thing to do. Nobody 'owes' anyone anything as such, but it's common decency I would have thought?

What would it achieve? Some closure. Right now Dalai doesn't know if he did something that put her off or if she changed her mind for a reason that has nothing to do with him.

If she said "you came on too strong" at least he'd know and he'd avoid making that mistake again in the future. If she said "I was lonely that evening and just wanted a kiss and a cuddle but you're just not my type" he'd know he had been used to a degree but that he'd done nothing wrong.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 10:35pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Oh I did get a lot of that when I lived in the Middle East, where a woman being single and unmarried at my age would be very unusual and fairly frowned upon.

I get the odd "you career girls think you can have it all" type comment. The only hurtful one I got lately was about a year ago - an aunt who's pretty miserable in her own marriage told me I'm too picky (if anything I'm not picky enough!) and I said to her "Do you not think I should be fairly picky about choosing someone to spend ther est of my life with?"

My mother, god bless her, seems to think there's some magical number of pictures of my cousins'/her friend's kids' babies that she can send me on WhatsApp that will suddenly make me broody :rolleyes: My dad likes to inform my siblings and I in quite an injured tone "Wee Brian just had another daughter. That's six grandkids Brian has now. He'd four by my age

"

Both my siblings will definitely be parents I'd say, they're both younger than me and I wish they'd hurry it up, pull a bit of focus from me! My brother is only 25 and his girlfriend a bit younger and just getting started on her career, my sister is just starting her MA in September so probably another few years of my phone being clogged up with identical pictures of babies I really don't care about...

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:35pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Do you see how being one of very few mid-30s single women might attract comments which imply there's something wrong with you to still be single? Given that it's so uncommon?

Yes, maybe we are getting somewhere.

So are people actually telling you single women in their 30s are worthless, or is it something you are inferring from what they are implying? (i.e. has this actually been said to you - often - or is this something you think people feel even though no one has said it)

22-07-2019 10:47pm

where did this thread start again

ah yes

how common is it never to find another half or not have kids

id say its becoming more common as people have more options than marriage, what with better education and more career and travel options.

id say that relaxed societal mores around people having a sex life without long term entanglements (particularly for women) will also contribute to it being more common.

as to whether its common for people who *want* these things? well theres two main types of wanting that tend to remain unfulfilled.

the type of want that isnt able to do whatever is required- always been plenty of these in affairs of the heart, and i think maybe the world is harder/expects more from fellas who may be hopeless this way these days.

the type of want that isnt willing to do whatever is required- manifests itself in resentment towards the desired gender and projection onto them as a whole. the person in question is never at fault. always been plenty of these of both sexes.

two rules ive found work for me. if you stay nice and patient, and dont aim higher than is fair in any one characteristic, you will prob do ok.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:49pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Aren't you the one looking for openness and honesty? It works both ways.

I've never sought an explanation for a man I've kissed once not wanting to pursue something. What would it achieve? In what way could it possibly be helpful, other than drawing my attention to something objectively off putting and also fixable, like having bad breath? If someone doesn't want to date me, I don't see the point in pressing to know why.

If I see someone isn't interested (and it has happened, and in a couple of cases without giving me the courtesy of telling me so), I move on. Like a normal person.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:53pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I've never sought an explanation for a man I've kissed once not wanting to pursue something. What would it achieve? In what way could it possibly be helpful, other than drawing my attention to something objectively off putting and also fixable, like having bad breath? If someone doesn't want to date me, I don't see the point in pressing to know why.

If I see someone isn't interested (and it has happened, and in a couple of cases without giving me the courtesy of telling me so), I move on. Like a normal person.

And it's totally fine that that's your approach to dating. I don't see anything wrong with it. Your thoughts on this are not universally held though, and other people are allowed have different opinions on dating etiquette.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:54pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Oh I did get a lot of that when I lived in the Middle East, where a woman being single and unmarried at my age would be very unusual and fairly frowned upon.

I get the odd "you career girls think you can have it all" type comment. The only hurtful one I got lately was about a year ago - an aunt who's pretty miserable in her own marriage told me I'm too picky (if anything I'm not picky enough!) and I said to her "Do you not think I should be fairly picky about choosing someone to spend ther est of my life with?"

The 'career girl' comments always make me laugh because what else are we supposed to do? I'm not a 'career girl', I need to make money to pay my rent, bills, groceries, etc. and I can't afford all that on a shelf stacking salary. For men, that's called living your life, but for women it's framed as a choice?

22-07-2019 10:55pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The 'career girl' comments always make me laugh because what else are we supposed to do? I'm not a 'career girl', I need to make money to pay my rent, bills, groceries, etc. and I can't afford all that on a shelf stacking salary. For men, that's called living your life, but for women it's framed as a choice?

yeah

no man is ever judged for having..hmmm...how would i put it .... ah yes

"a shelf stacking salary"

are you even for real tbh

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:56pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

So are people actually telling you single women in their 30s are worthless, or is it something you are inferring from what they are implying? (i.e. has this actually been said to you - often - or is this something you think people feel even though no one has said it)

Well, no, obviously nobody has come out and used the word 'worthless'.

I think it's fairly obvious how people feel when they're making comments like 'sure what good is having a PhD if you're 40+ and single' (about my colleague) or 'are you not really worried about turning 35 and still being single' (about me).

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

yeah

no man is ever judged for having..hmmm...how would i put it .... ah yes

"a shelf stacking salary"

are you even for real tbh

Was the point a bit too complex for you?

I didn't say people (male and female) aren't judged for their jobs.

I said men aren't called 'career men' because they have jobs. They're not accused of 'trying to have it all' for wanting a wife and family along with their job.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 11:00pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

No gives a toss that you're single in you're 30s. No one. Why? Because you're not that important in people's lives. Maybe your mother is concerned but that's about it.

If you can't find a man it's because of your nasty, mean spirited attitude.

You're not doing yourself much credit there either now Dalai. I'm finding this thread really interesting generally and it'd be great if it didn't devolve into a slanging match.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 11:04pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

No gives a toss that you're single in you're 30s. No one. Why? Because you're not that important in people's lives. Maybe your mother is concerned but that's about it.

If you can't find a man it's because of your nasty, mean spirited attitude.

I think we all now know exactly what kind of person YOU are.

Point made for me.

One eyed Jack · 22-07-2019 11:05pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

She can dish it out, she can take it.

Yourself and Lainey should totally hook up already, it’s making for gripping reading

ps. Welcome back Kiki!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 11:05pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

She can dish it out, she can take it.

Start of a beautiful romance if ever I read one!

:pac:

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 11:06pm

Imagine the make up sex! Skin and hair flying everywhere. ðŸ˜‚

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 11:06pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yourself and Lainey should totally hook up already, it’s making for gripping reading

ps. Welcome back Kiki!

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Start of a beautiful romance if ever I read one!

:pac:

Boards Beers 2019 #shagfest ??

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 11:11pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

Lainey would just lead me on and break my heart...

That's the spirit!

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 11:15pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yourself and Lainey should totally hook up already, it’s making for gripping reading

ps. Welcome back Kiki!

Could you imagine? He thinks a woman is an evil b1tch for not wanting a relationship after a kiss. Imagine actually having some sexy time and then deciding not to continue dating. I'd wake up to him standing across the street holding up a placard declaring his undying love.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 11:17pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

Lainey would just lead me on and break my heart...

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Could you imagine? He thinks a woman is an evil b1tch for not wanting a relationship after a kiss. Imagine actually having some sexy time and then deciding not to continue dating. I'd wake up to him standing across the street holding up a placard declaring his undying love.

We almost had the atmosphere lightened there lads, work with us here.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 11:18pm

kikilarue2 wrote: »

We almost had the atmosphere lightened there lads, work with us here.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 11:23pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

If I send you flowers will you change your mind and take me back?

Opposite corners of the room right NOW and if you so much as look at each other I'm getting the wooden spoon!

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 11:28pm

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

If I send you flowers will you change your mind and take me back?

I guess if you kept doing that it might eventually wear me down/scare me enough that it would just be easier to date you, yeah.

Wait...is that not the goal?

22-07-2019 11:49pm

Sorry to come in at this heartwarming moment with a serious post

But.
I don't believe anyone has a right to tell us how we should or shouldn't feel when a date doesn't work out or a relationship ends. That doesn't mean however that our feelings aren't a little skewed or our reactions unhealthy.

Here's a scenario;
I connect with someone online and we chat for a number of weeks before meeting up. During this time my hope skyrockets and I am beside myself with excitement before the date. We get on so well in real life that I'm smitten. Sadly there won't to be a second date because he isn't interested. I'm devastated. Can't stop crying and resign myself to "no more men for a long time"

Now I would need to do some serious self-reflection if I find myself getting that invested in a man I had yet to meet. Its just too much and is indicative of my need for a relationship, a need that would no doubt come across. It's far better for our state of mind to keep both feet firmly on the ground in the initial stages of meeting someone. It is difficult to do that I know but for our own sakes its important to be able to regulate our emotions in a healthy way.

Here is a different scenario;
I go out for a few drinks which leads me to spend the night with a man I meet in the pub. The next morning he asks for my number and I give it. Thing is though I don't think I'm interested. I wasn't feeling great the previous night and was lonely which is the real reason why I slept with him. He texts and I respond. He texts again asking me out and I tell him that I had fun but am not interested in seeing him again. Or maybe I make up an excuse and say I'm busy with this that and the other. Or who knows.

So now he hates me. I'm a bìtch. Karma will get me. Again a completely unreasonable position to take. The least we can do is treat each other with respect and honesty. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen but then we need to take the higher ground and not give in to feeling bitter because I'm telling you, that is the most destructive feeling you can have. It will eat away at you.

kikilarue2 · 23-07-2019 12:05am

Deleted User wrote: »

Now I would need to do some serious self-reflection if I find myself getting that invested in a man I had yet to meet. Its just too much and is indicative of my need for a relationship, a need that would no doubt come across. It's far better for our state of mind to keep both feet firmly on the ground in the initial stages of meeting someone. It is difficult to do that I know but for our own sakes its important to be able to regulate our emotions in a healthy way.

Oh Persepoly you have absolutely nailed me there! I actually went back to therapy for a while after realising that my reaction was so disproportionate to what had actually happened.

Anyone got this "keep your feet on the ground" during the early stages of dating thing down though? Like, how? I still cling to this notion that one day I'll fall for someone at the drop of a hat but this time it'll be different because he'll love me too and we'll live happily ever after or something.

23-07-2019 12:09am

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Oh Persepoly you have absolutely nailed me there! I actually went back to therapy for a while after realising that my reaction was so disproportionate to what had actually happened.

Anyone got this "keep your feet on the ground" during the early stages of dating thing down though? Like, how? I still cling to this notion that one day I'll fall for someone at the drop of a hat but this time it'll be different because he'll love me too and we'll live happily ever after or something.

It was me too Kiki. I'm half asleep at the minute but will respond to you properly tomorrow

Ubbquittious · 23-07-2019 12:37am

Deleted User wrote: »

Or maybe I make up an excuse and say I'm busy with this that and the other. Or who knows.

Fingerpuppets. Tell him you are busy making fingerpuppets from old socks

Ulysses Gaze · 23-07-2019 12:42am

How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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