Ghosted after a few good dates

Surreptitious · 01-05-2021 4:19pm

Ubbquittious wrote: »

They are loads. Just unwritten social ones that they're constantly updating and changing to keep the socially inept fellas out

Don't know but I suppose it's different for women. I'm not going on them anymore anyway. Too time consuming

Lesalare · 01-05-2021 4:20pm

Fuzzyduzzy wrote: »

From what I remember with online dating, you treat it like a game of tennis. You send a message, they send one back. You reply at a similar time ratio, no fast replies or long messages. Send a max of 10 messages before you suggest a meet-up in a public place. NEVER double text, no matter how hard you want to convince yourself they've forgot to text you or been captured by pirates. No emojis (guys). Pretend you're not really attracted to them yet, you can take them or leave them. Any rule breaking and then you get ghosted or pen pal zoned. Just my 2 cents but I learned the hard way!

My God. This is exhausting even just to read. This is not 'dating' it sounds like torture.

"You reply at a similar time ratio, no fast replies or long messages" Jesus.

Ubbquittious · 01-05-2021 4:26pm

Surreptitious wrote: »

Don't know but I suppose it's different for women. I'm not going on them anymore anyway. Too time consuming

You mean there is no masonic lodge style building overgrown with ivy in the countryside beside an old Protestant church where all the popular girls meet to ballot on what rules they're going to impose on the dating public? Followed by rice krispy buns and red lemonade in a white plastic cup laced with rum

monkeysnapper · 01-05-2021 4:31pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Why in the name of Jaysus did you post this on after hours OP?

He has had a lot of good solid advice .... seems like as good a place as any .....

Fuzzyduzzy · 01-05-2021 6:37pm

Lesalare wrote: »

My God. This is exhausting even just to read. This is not 'dating' it sounds like torture.

"You reply at a similar time ratio, no fast replies or long messages" Jesus.

I felt the same way writing it, let alone experiencing it! It is what it is unfortunately. Any hint of neediness and it's game over. I don't miss online dating one bit..

20Wheel · 01-05-2021 7:15pm

85603 wrote: »

i lost contact with one girl, a platonic friend, due to her having a miscarriage, she had stopped contact abruptly. got back in contact a year, and managed to do so because i had been upfront enough to send a message of concern to a friend of hers.

another time after an abrupt cease in communications i later discovered it was a religious parent, she lived in n.africa and her father just put the kaibosh down on her flirting - not her fault.

both times i reconnected due to a simple message of concern through mutual contacts.

why the hell would you not just leave a simple message saying 'hey havent heard from you, hope theres nothing wrong'.

Absolutely. If youre an adult then you will communicate directly. Pointless childlike games of text message tennis just lead to confusion and frustration.
In any case most normal people stop that nonsense during adulthood. If you have to say something important just say it. Dont be so delicate, dont worry about weirdos gossiping that oooh you texted her twice, stalker.

Direct no bull**** communication probably would have helped the author of this thread some hassle.
The whole thread brought this to mind, from 01:27. (from Gladwells 'outliers')

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KYPcHv78tk

Austria! · 02-05-2021 1:04pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

some women in their 30's will settle with absolutely anyone.

which women? where?

YellowLead · 02-05-2021 1:11pm

Austria! wrote: »

which women? where?

I’ve seen this happen. Some want kids so badly it gets to an age where they stop looking for mr perfect and go with whoever is ready and willing. They don’t really fancy this guy so are a little resentful and end up treating him like crap. Sex is off the cards once marriage and kids have been sorted and he settles into a life of no sex and being bullied.
But more fool him he married her in the first place

Note - this is only a tiny percentage of women - most women are awesome!

raclle · 02-05-2021 3:01pm

YellowLead wrote: »

But more fool him he married her in the first place

The same could be said for those types of guys too and will happily settle for anything even if it means getting treated like crap. Some need that security of just been with someone

Fuzzyduzzy · 02-05-2021 4:02pm

20Wheel wrote: »

Absolutely. If youre an adult then you will communicate directly. Pointless childlike games of text message tennis just lead to confusion and frustration.
In any case most normal people stop that nonsense during adulthood. If you have to say something important just say it. Dont be so delicate, dont worry about weirdos gossiping that oooh you texted her twice, stalker.

Direct no bull**** communication probably would have helped the author of this thread some hassle.
The whole thread brought this to mind, from 01:27. (from Gladwells 'outliers')

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KYPcHv78tk

It's never been easier for someone to show the decency of replying to a message. A lot of people spend at least 10 minutes scrolling aimlessly on their phones each day. If a person is this flaky then you are doing yourself a favour by not double texting them as (a) you look needy to them and (b) you've avoided finding out what other horrible traits they have. Resist the urge and never double text.

This is the reality of the online dating world unfortunately and people are constantly getting disappointed expecting more decency on it.

02-05-2021 7:52pm

Fuzzyduzzy wrote: »

It's never been easier for someone to show the decency of replying to a message. A lot of people spend at least 10 minutes scrolling aimlessly on their phones each day. If a person is this flaky then you are doing yourself a favour by not double texting them as (a) you look needy to them and (b) you've avoided finding out what other horrible traits they have. Resist the urge and never double text.

This is the reality of the online dating world unfortunately and people are constantly getting disappointed expecting more decency on it.

not double texting them as (a) you look needy to them

ah stop. this isn't secondary school any more.

if sending two texts without a reply in between is the filter which removes me from someone's interactions then great. please break off contact, as im not looking for some head wrecker who will be taking careful metrics on who opened the door, who arrived first, who sent a double text. fck that.

such nonsense and hyperbole in this thread. and such an exaggerated fear of rejection.

maybe its an age difference thing. maybe some here are still in their 20's when theres still such foolishness going on.

Galwayguy35 · 02-05-2021 8:38pm

Sometimes I think a paid dating site might be better, it would cut out the timewasters of both sexes I think.

YellowLead · 02-05-2021 9:23pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Sometimes I think a paid dating site might be better, it would cut out the timewasters of both sexes I think.

I think it depends - I think if you are going to pay then a match maker might be better. I’m not sure that by using a paid site you are going to get what you are looking for. The usual apps are annoying yes but the paid apps are full of people who can’t get a date on the regular ones...and you got to wonder why...

02-05-2021 9:47pm

YellowLead wrote: »

The usual apps are annoying yes but the paid apps are full of people who can’t get a date on the regular ones...and you got to wonder why...

how would you know whether they can get a date or not?

As for why; maybe they just wanted to use a paid app to avoid the kind of conceited bollocks you seem hung up on.

YellowLead · 02-05-2021 9:52pm

85603 wrote: »

how would you know whether they can get a date or not?

As for why; maybe they just wanted to use a paid app to avoid the kind of conceited bollocks you seem hung up on.

Actually you are right - I wrote that the wrong way! But a friend of mine who joined elite singles was very disappointed as she saw a lot of the same faces as the other apps but the less attractive (not physically just overall) ones.
I mean you are obviously going to pay if you are a bit desperate.
Some of the sites through might be different - the really expensive ones where it’s more of a match maker service and they match people on personalities etc. They might be worth it for sure. I’d consider that.

ulster · 02-05-2021 10:06pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Sometimes I think a paid dating site might be better, it would cut out the timewasters of both sexes I think.

Yeah but avoid match, there's loads of washed up women on that.

raclle · 02-05-2021 10:10pm

Don't you have to pay on Tinder to see who liked you? or just get a lucky match by swiping for hours on end

YellowLead · 02-05-2021 10:12pm

raclle wrote: »

Don't you have to pay on Tinder to see who liked you? or just get a lucky match by swiping for hours on end

I definitely think it’s more worth men’s while than women’s to use paid versions. With women pretty much everyone they swipe on likes them as men are typically swipe happy yet women are more selective.
Hinge you can see who liked you without paying.

02-05-2021 10:31pm

raclle wrote: »

Don't you have to pay on Tinder to see who liked you? or just get a lucky match by swiping for hours on end

When I use tinder I set up my account and let the "likes" accumulate, while using the app just enough to stop the account from closing. Once I get around 200 likes, I pay for a single month to access the likes.

Fuzzyduzzy · 02-05-2021 11:04pm

85603 wrote: »

ah stop. this isn't secondary school any more.

if sending two texts without a reply in between is the filter which removes me from someone's interactions then great. please break off contact, as im not looking for some head wrecker who will be taking careful metrics on who opened the door, who arrived first, who sent a double text. fck that.

such nonsense and hyperbole in this thread. and such an exaggerated fear of rejection.

maybe its an age difference thing. maybe some here are still in their 20's when theres still such foolishness going on.

So what's your solution to someone messaging/meeting up with you and then just abruptly ceasing contact? This is the reality of what a lot of people are doing.

YellowLead · 02-05-2021 11:06pm

Fuzzyduzzy wrote: »

So what's your solution to someone messaging/meeting up with you and then just abruptly ceasing contact? This is the reality of what a lot of people are doing.

I think the best solution is not to get invested too soon. End of. We can’t control how others act.

raclle · 02-05-2021 11:53pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Once I get around 200 likes, I pay for a single month to access the likes.

Look at Mr. Popular over here

I'd be lucky to get that in 3 months

03-05-2021 12:22am

Fuzzyduzzy wrote: »

So what's your solution to someone messaging/meeting up with you and then just abruptly ceasing contact? This is the reality of what a lot of people are doing.

theres no solution, because theres no problem.

i'd send them a message (just a hello how are you), and if no eventual reply i'd probably ask around to see if they were ok, out of concern.

and if theres no report of some accident or incident then id just go about my day as normal. ive done my bit.

(this is given we've established some kind of history, like a few dates and regular contact over some weeks).

thereafter if some halfwits want to exaggerate like teenagers about me being a stalker then so be it. i check in on friends and acquaintances, crazy world eh.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 12:26am

85603 wrote: »

theres no solution, because theres no problem.

i'd send them a message (just a hello how are you), and if no eventual reply i'd probably ask around to see if they were ok, out of concern.

and if theres no report of some accident or incident then id just go about my day as normal. ive done my bit.

(this is given we've established some kind of history, like a few dates and regular contact over some weeks).

thereafter if some halfwits want to exaggerate like teenagers about me being a stalker then so be it. i check in on friends and acquaintances, crazy world eh.

Really? You get to know somebodies friends and families after a couple of weeks of dating?
Yikes....

Fuzzyduzzy · 03-05-2021 12:32am

85603 wrote: »

theres no solution, because theres no problem.

i'd send them a message (just a hello how are you), and if no eventual reply i'd probably ask around to see if they were ok, out of concern.

and if theres no report of some accident or incident then id just go about my day as normal. ive done my bit.

(this is given we've established some kind of history, like a few dates and regular contact over some weeks).

thereafter if some halfwits want to exaggerate like teenagers about me being a stalker then so be it. i check in on friends and acquaintances, crazy world eh.

But nobody said anything about what others say or think? It's about facing the fact of how disposable interactions are on online dating, even if you surpass the online element and meet up a few times. People go onto these apps with high expectations, often just passing the time for someone until someone more appealing comes along.

03-05-2021 12:32am

YellowLead wrote: »

Really? You get to know somebodies friends and families after a couple of weeks of dating?
Yikes....

Family? I dunno.

I'd expect I might have met a friend, or been introduced to a co-worker. After some weeks.

Yikes.

03-05-2021 12:37am

Fuzzyduzzy wrote: »

People go onto these apps with high expectations, often just passing the time for someone until someone more appealing comes along.

thats fine. whats to lose?
if ive checked in on them and there has been some sort of urgency/misunderstanding then glad to know.

if ive checked in on them and they're engaging in some sort of adolescent silliness then i dont care. a moment of disappointment, and back to my day.

Fuzzyduzzy · 03-05-2021 12:52am

85603 wrote: »

thats fine. whats to lose?
if ive checked in on them and there has been some sort of urgency/misunderstanding then glad to know.

if ive checked in on them and they're engaging in some sort of adolescent silliness then i dont care. a moment of disappointment, and back to my day.

Sure follow whatever works for you I suppose.

03-05-2021 1:30am

raclle wrote: »

Look at Mr. Popular over here I'd be lucky to get that in 3 months

Hahaha, yeah I guess people's experiences can vary!

:pac:

03-05-2021 1:33am

85603 wrote: »

theres no solution, because theres no problem.

i'd send them a message (just a hello how are you), and if no eventual reply i'd probably ask around to see if they were ok, out of concern.

and if theres no report of some accident or incident then id just go about my day as normal. ive done my bit.

(this is given we've established some kind of history, like a few dates and regular contact over some weeks).

thereafter if some halfwits want to exaggerate like teenagers about me being a stalker then so be it. i check in on friends and acquaintances, crazy world eh.

Good call. I'd also recommend ringing their GP to ensure no medical emergency has taken place. Maybe ring a few hospitals too. All normal stuff.

03-05-2021 1:53am

Deleted User wrote: »

Good call. I'd also recommend ringing their GP to ensure no medical emergency has taken place. Maybe ring a few hospitals too. All normal stuff.

Yep, hospitals. Good lad.

Em ugh pop pfft · 03-05-2021 2:12am

The men on here posting are sounding 'blockworthy' lol :pac:

Galwayguy35 · 03-05-2021 11:51am

YellowLead wrote: »

Actually you are right - I wrote that the wrong way! But a friend of mine who joined elite singles was very disappointed as she saw a lot of the same faces as the other apps but the less attractive (not physically just overall) ones.
I mean you are obviously going to pay if you are a bit desperate.
Some of the sites through might be different - the really expensive ones where it’s more of a match maker service and they match people on personalities etc. They might be worth it for sure. I’d consider that.

So you think the people who choose a paid site are desperate?

Strange way of thinking.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 11:53am

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

So you think the people who choose a paid site are desperate?

Strange way of thinking.

Ah, a few people have said it to me. Obviously it’s not across the board. And some people might just be a bit shy or something.
Plus as a woman I wouldn’t expect it to filter out guts just looking for casual sex.

spurious · 03-05-2021 12:01pm

Christ. Does nobody meet up with anyone the 'normal'* ways anymore?

*
through mutual friends
at a party
at a class/course
at work
through a sports club

Sonics2k · 03-05-2021 12:08pm

spurious wrote: »

Christ. Does nobody meet up with anyone the 'normal'* ways anymore?

*
through mutual friends
at a party
at a class/course
at work
through a sports club

Kinda hard to do that over the last 13 months to be fair.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 12:22pm

Sonics2k wrote: »

Kinda hard to do that over the last 13 months to be fair.

I was just going to say that! I can’t wait to not have to rely on them anymore.

Sonics2k · 03-05-2021 12:37pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

Not necessarily. I've slept with more than dozen escorts since the first lockdown and not so much as a sniffle.

We sacrificed a year of our lives for nothing.

I literally cannot fathom being proud of that.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 12:47pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

It's just sex.

Yes we are all getting sex too, and we don’t need to pay for it!!! It’s not that real life or escorts are the only option. The dating apps have their place! For me they only really work for casual sex. So why would I be paying for that when I can get it at the click of a (free) button.

ZoZoZo · 03-05-2021 12:51pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

It's just sex.

Just sex, sounds very boring, when I hire an escort I like to do something special like dress up in a monkey suit and ride them round on all fours screaming 'where's my banana'

Put in some effort for God's sake.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 12:54pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

Are you a woman? The majority of men are most certainly not getting regular casual sex. That is reserved for the top tier men. There seems to be an idea among women and older people that you just hop on Tinder and meet someone for hook up.

It doesn't work like that for average and below average looking men!

Yes I am. And I know it’s not as easy for men. It takes more effort than just hopping on. But if you are average you can still get some, you might just have to lower your standards.
Or be lucky enough to swipe on somebody who’s only looking for casual and they are out there (unused to be me when first single)

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 1:04pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

Lowering your standards won't work online. Why would a woman settle for me, a 5 at best, when she should could potentially have an 8+ on tinder?

It's different irl, but it's still very difficult for the average man to get casual sex. And when you do get it you are normally drunk which means you run the risk of being accused of rape.

Since the game is rigged against men, I decided to cheat by seeing escorts.

Whatever works for you personally dude

sporina · 03-05-2021 1:05pm

can't believe this thread is still open.. :eek:

ZoZoZo · 03-05-2021 1:19pm

sporina wrote: »

can't believe this thread is still open.. :eek:

Why wouldn't it be ?

03-05-2021 1:30pm

spurious wrote: »

Christ. Does nobody meet up with anyone the 'normal'* ways anymore?

*
through mutual friends
at a party
at a class/course
at work
through a sports club

There's been this virus knocking around lately. It's been fairly low key in the media, to be fair to you.

03-05-2021 1:32pm

Prelude In E Minor wrote: »

Are you a woman? The majority of men are most certainly not getting regular casual sex. That is reserved for the top tier men. There seems to be an idea among women and older people that you just hop on Tinder and meet someone for hook up.

It doesn't work like that for average and below average looking men!

Today I learned I'm a top tier man!

Leg End Reject · 03-05-2021 1:38pm

Sonics2k wrote: »

Kinda hard to do that over the last 13 months to be fair.

But people meeting others from dating apps, or using the services of escorts aren't following restrictions. No shortage of house parties either.

Em ugh pop pfft · 03-05-2021 1:46pm

The way some people look at dating on here sounds so practical and awful.

Reminds me of that scene in A Beautiful Mind. Though the difference is it seemed somewhat endearing in that.

YellowLead · 03-05-2021 1:53pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

But people meeting others from dating apps, or using the services of escorts aren't following restrictions. No shortage of house parties either.

It depends. You can meet one other household outdoors and you always could. And when it moves indoors that is where your support bubble comes in.

03-05-2021 1:55pm

YellowLead wrote: »

It depends. You can meet one other household outdoors and you always could. And when it moves indoors that is where your support bubble comes in.

Thank god for that bubble!

:pac:

Ghosted after a few good dates

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