Adults living with their parents...

emilymemily wrote: »

My mother is the very same, im the only girl and always felt like she didnt really like me, we never had a good relationship and although im living under her roof, paying rent to her every week, we hardly speak to each other and I keep out of her way.
Im 30, cant get a job and cant afford to rent cant even get a decent volunteer position outside of standing on the street with a bucket collecting money. It is so frustrating, it feels like a block in my life that I cant get past no matter how hard I try.
I buy all my own food, clean up after myself, wash my own clothes and dont get any money off my parents for anything but still feel like im stuck in my teenage years, fights occur regularly over silly things, the other day I fed the cat, she didnt want me to feed him she wanted to do it her self and started shouting at me so I left the room to avoid argument, she starts shouting after me then follows me up the stairs to my bedroom with the cat dish screaming at me to take it. Its horrible, mammys are crazy.

Hi - I just wanted to say that it sounds like your Mam has serious issues shes not dealing with or whatever and you have my deepest sympathies - I can't imagine how soul-destroying it must be to be stuck in the house with her crap behaviour - Wishing you the best.

PS there's a number of subreddits where people discuss living with negative or abusive parents - Raised by narcissists is one and should open the door to the others. I sincerely believe reading of others experiences could only give one perspective and perhaps feel less likely to blame themselves in any way for these types of behaviours.

Actually linked here - https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

mariaalice wrote: »

I do understand why someone cant gets a job in the areas they want but it is hard to credit that they can't get any job what soever?

My children moved out by late teens early twenties one went to university in the uk and one moved in with her them bf.

Of course, it depends on the situation but think of it from a parent's point of view children grow up and are supposed to move on to something, yet the parents are looking at a30 35 or 40-year-old still in their childhood bedroom, it's bound to be frustrating for them.

The person with the farm, get a loan from the credit union and get a shomra or the like and put it somewhere on the farm creating your own home there are loads doing that.

Can I just ask, your child that went to live and study in the UK in her late teens, was she funding that all by herself or where you helping her?
Your other child that moved with her boyfriend, what sort of job did she get and was getting any financial help from you or the boyfriend she moved with?

I'm 28 and living at home again since last year and being honest, I have no plans to move out any time soon.

I moved out for college, then returned. Then moved out for a few years to live with my ex, and when that relationship ended, I returned again. I've been continuously employed since the age of 16 and apart from a bit of help buying my Debs dress, I've been completely financially independent too.

I put myself through college and paid more than my fair share of bills & expenses when living with my ex so I'm pretty good with money.
I obviously pay my parents rent but its nowhere near the market rate for the area. I make up for it by helping around the house, and buying things for the house when needed.
I'm saving for a mortgage which will be a long road to do on my own, so my parents are happy for me to stay for as long as necessary.

I get along quite well with them, I don't think I'd have lasted this long there if I didn't. They don't want me to move out because they see renting (again) as a waste of money. They're happy for me to keep the head down and try to gather the funds as quickly as possible.

With the exception of those who have mortgages with their partners, all my friends still live at home. Rental properties are in short supply and are extortionately priced around here, so its the new norm.

I feel lucky to be in a position to be able to save & have a roof over my head but I am a bit bitter and frustrated that my parents generation could buy a nice house for approx. 2yrs of income, whereas now you'd be looking at 9 times your annual income (for me anyway).
Stats like that are depressing.

guitarzero wrote: »

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.


I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

It's a bit like that for me, I actually bought the family home, odd situation but my Mother still lives there, I take care of everything, all the bills and the upkeep but I know as long as my Mother is around it will always be her house, and tbh I really don't mind that. What I do mind is that I get grief for leaving things 'lying about' or not doing DIY - my Dad always had some sort of project on the go.
I leave the house at 5.30am and don't usually return until 7pm and my Mother is away most weekends or I'm with my GF.

In the main it's grand but people seem to be quick to judge but I didn't want my Mother struggling to pay for the house after my father passed away (He'd had underlying medical conditions so insurance was a non runner) so this suited us both.

I am very grateful that we could help out when our kids needed to live here for various reasons .I am very grateful that they were mature enough to ask and get help and a hand up . They are all now very settled and have their own houses but we are delighted we could aid them and make the path smother .

Dickie10 wrote: »

im a bit the same I officially own the house according to the government /land register etc so a shre of the profit from the farm goes towards keeping the bills paid in the house, esb,intenet, (sky tv for my father!) diy jobs, food etc. my mother pays for the upkeep of her car alright. so im not exactly the same as another 35 year old living at home. in this situation the roles are completely reversed from childhood where I look after the health and upkeep of my parents. health insurance is another big bill. but it has great benefits the person with drive and energy is in charge of keeping the house and bills etc. plus the fair deal scheme will kick in because if in the event of a parent needing nursing home care it will be paid for from their pension because they have no assets in theo#ir name.

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

Edgware wrote: »

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

Doesn't your ma go home most nights?

mariaalice wrote: »

The one going to the uk has saving from a summer job and she got some supprot for me not enough to live on she got a job while studing, the other one lived on fresh air the most she ever asked for was money to buy food eveynow and then she is very independent its her personality. I would help them but not to the point of totaly supporting them. In fact I would say they both got more when living at home that when they moved away. I wouldnt mind if they moved home for a while if they ever needed to as long as they has some plan.

That little bit of support is likely what enabled them to be able to move out of home and study abroad.
A part time job on its own while studying and renting isnt enough to sustain someone while paying rent, bills, food, social life, college fees and supplies. Your other daughter had you as a fall back for money or support when she needed food.
If neither of your children had the financial support from you they likely wouldnt have had the opportunities they have like studying abroad and moving out at late teens. I dont think its fair to compare people who have zero support at all to people who have had the support to help get them on their feet.
Your kids are privileged. Im sure they have worked very hard but having your support gave them the incentive and ability to do so, if they work a part time job and earn 250 or 300 euro, they also have you to bridge the gap and make ends meet, not all young people have that, they have to support themselves completely, that results in it taking much longer for them to get on their feet, they often have to take the long way around or the slower route to get anywhere and often just as hard workers, sometimes harder but all theyre earning is that 250 euro with nothing else to fall back on.

Id also be interested to know how your daughters got their first jobs, did you or a family member or friend have a hand in helping them to secure jobs? Maybe asked around for them? or asked a manager friend if theyre looking for staff to consider your child?

emilymemily wrote: »

That little bit of support is likely what enabled them to be able to move out of home and study abroad.
A part time job on its own while studying and renting isnt enough to sustain someone while paying rent, bills, food, social life, college fees and supplies. Your other daughter had you as a fall back for money or support when she needed food.
If neither of your children had the financial support from you they likely wouldnt have had the opportunities they have like studying abroad and moving out at late teens. I dont think its fair to compare people who have zero support at all to people who have had the support to help get them on their feet.
Your kids are privileged. Im sure they have worked very hard but having your support gave them the incentive and ability to do so, if they work a part time job and earn 250 or 300 euro, they also have you to bridge the gap and make ends meet, not all young people have that, they have to support themselves completely, that results in it taking much longer for them to get on their feet, they often have to take the long way around or the slower route to get anywhere and often just as hard workers, sometimes harder but all theyre earning is that 250 euro with nothing else to fall back on.

Id also be interested to know how your daughters got their first jobs, did you or a family member or friend have a hand in helping them to secure jobs? Maybe asked around for them? or asked a manager friend if theyre looking for staff to consider your child?

Sorry but I don’t agree, I’m only 28 so would have finished school during the height of the recession and by saving during the summers of 4th, 5th and 6th year I was well able to afford my fees working full time on minimum wage.

I worked a maximum of about 25 hours a week (not a lot really) during the academic year which gave me about €250 a week to play around with. My rent was €80 per week leaving me with €170 to live off of.
During the Christmas holidays etc. I could easily work 60/70 hours a week, which suppplemented me the rest of the year.
Now I won’t deny that there were weeks where I was stone broke and lived off of beans on toast, but I survived!
Naggins of vodka were €5 and walking home in the rain with a gang of friends was no trouble so I even managed to squeeze in a pretty good social life :pac:

I got every job myself, I worked in retail, waitressing, babysitting on the side and a lot of bar work. On more than one occasion I worked more than one job.
My parents would have loved nothing more than to help me but unfortunately they weren’t in a position to do so at the time. The responsibility was on me to get myself through it.

I’m not for a minute denying it’s hard and I know some people have awful luck when it comes to these things but I really think that if an adult has reached their late 20’s/early 30’s and have never managed to hold down a job or complete a short course then it’s a reflection on them and not their circumstances.
Particularly when we’re nearly at full employment levels.

Id Believe Anything wrote: »

33 and living at home. Love it. Not going anywhere soon. Saving a fortune on rent and food. Made a token effort to give the parents rent money but they refused, that was over two years ago.

Suck on that one, boomers.

same age and situation but i have to pay them rent - 550 a month and food is up to myself....its handier though i suppose you know the landlord

I think my parents prefer it as theres more money in the house (the morgage is paid and they can do more stuff/get sky etc_

Edgware wrote: »

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

i suppose u just go out in dublin or galway and do that craic. if your settling down and going out with a girl im sure nature will take its course

Celia Many Ladder wrote: »

I love my parents get along great with them but can't live with them. I moved out the day after college at 22. I am 30 now and married. Was home with the parents recently with the wife and it was an absolute nightmare. My mother has no sense of boundaries which is grand I guess and I was used to it. My wife was going mad. One day in the middle of the day I was in bed riding and my mother walked in asking us do we want a cup of tea or some lunch or something. Mortified so I was. She didn't see anything because we were under a blanket but it is very weird to be balls deep in a woman and looking at your mam.

I'd be more worried about that third testicle to be honest.

Tony EH wrote: »

I'd be more worried about that third testicle to be honest.

I didn't read the poster name and read the post about five times before I twigged it. I was sitting here going, "third testicle???"

tylercheribini wrote: »

I know people that rushed into marriage/mortgage/kids early in life, all went tits up by their 30's and are now back where they started living at home with the folks anyway. I'm curious as to how these people are categorised by the judge,juries and executioners on this thread.

To be honest I think that a weird one as well unless its a short term plan to get sorted, then when the parents die they somehow think its their house and cant believe they have to buy out their siblings.

How long does it last, if someone's marriage broke up in their 40s 50s would they still think of going home to their parents.

I know circumstances can vary, but it does come across as the person is unable to break the psychological link with their parents as a crutch to fall back on.

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

I take your point.
What is the mortgage obsession?
You're saying 3 years in parent's house / 7 or 8 whilst renting?

I don't see the problem with the 7 or 8 year rent.
is it not pretty normal. Say graduate at 22 and own mortgage by 30?
House share with mates/whomever and possibly boyfriend/girlfriend before buying at a reasonable age?

Living at home with mammy isn't pain to me. I'd see it as imposing on the parents rather than pain to the 20 / 30 year old.

As for the longer commute. Get used to it. The generation coming is going to be commuting unless there's 2 of ye with nice jobs.

Why would see it as imposing on other people’s parents . ? Every situation and every parent is different , some parents are happy to have company , some have large houses with plenty of room. Some have granny flats that are not in use

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

I take your point.
What is the mortgage obsession?
You're saying 3 years in parent's house / 7 or 8 whilst renting?

I don't see the problem with the 7 or 8 year rent.
is it not pretty normal. Say graduate at 22 and own mortgage by 30?
House share with mates/whomever and possibly boyfriend/girlfriend before buying at a reasonable age?

Living at home with mammy isn't pain to me. I'd see it as imposing on the parents rather than pain to the 20 / 30 year old.

As for the longer commute. Get used to it. The generation coming is going to be commuting unless there's 2 of ye with nice jobs.

The mortgage obsession? Are you aware of the rental crisis?
If I could rent long term, securely, for a reasonable price like you can in other European countries I wouldn't bother with a mortgage at all.
Its to give myself security when I am elderly cause I sure as hell won't be able to pay €1,500 a month rent when I'm not working and I don't aspire to live in a house share at that age either.

I lived with my ex, renting, for several years. I moved home when that relationship ended last year.
I don't want to be living in a house share in my late 30's (no offence to anyone who does). I want to have my own children by then, so living in a houseshare at that point of my life isn't feasible anyway.
My commute is already about an hour, moving further out would only add another hour to it.

You seem to be really naive to the struggles people are facing trying to source accommodation.

If it were really that straightforward to just rent with friends, save for a mortgage, and have a decent quality of life and work/life balance there wouldn't be so many people in their 20's (and older) still living with their parents.

I really don't see the logic of putting myself through extra years of hardship paying extortionate rent when I can just stay at home, give my folks a few bob towards paying off their own mortgage and hopefully get my own a bit sooner than otherwise.

SusieBlue wrote: »

The mortgage obsession? Are you aware of the rental crisis?
If I could rent long term, securely, for a reasonable price like you can in other European countries I wouldn't bother with a mortgage at all.
Its to give myself security when I am elderly cause I sure as hell won't be able to pay €1,500 a month rent when I'm not working and I don't aspire to live in a house share at that age either.

I lived with my ex, renting, for several years. I moved home when that relationship ended last year.
I don't want to be living in a house share in my late 30's (no offence to anyone who does). I want to have my own children by then, so living in a houseshare at that point of my life isn't feasible anyway.
My commute is already about an hour, moving further out would only add another hour to it.

You seem to be really naive to the struggles people are facing trying to source accommodation.

If it were really that straightforward to just rent with friends, save for a mortgage, and have a decent quality of life and work/life balance there wouldn't be so many people in their 20's (and older) still living with their parents.

I really don't see the logic of putting myself through extra years of hardship paying extortionate rent when I can just stay at home, give my folks a few bob towards paying off their own mortgage and hopefully get my own a bit sooner than otherwise.

Yep that's nothing like what I was arguing.
My argument was to rent for extra few years rather than live with parents.

Nowhere did I argue to rent long term and especially into pension.

The simple fact is you do not want to house share. Your response to my first post was that you would love to and the freedom but alas it would set you back 4 or 5 years in your plan.

Plainly you prefer to live with your parents. Again nothing against that. I'd happily live with mine in my 20s but I'd prefer to house share somewhere. If renting with parents I'd expect to pay rent. That rent would be very similar to house share money.

I'm not naive about this. I'm just prepared to put up with a bit of hardship to rent. As per earlier longer commute, maybe deal with awkward landlord, sort the bills etc.....maybe there are those who aren't. It's easier stay with mammy.

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Yep that's nothing like what I was arguing.
My argument was to rent for extra few years rather than live with parents.

Nowhere did I argue to rent long term and especially into pension.

The simple fact is you do not want to house share. Your response to my first post was that you would love to and the freedom but alas it would set you back 4 or 5 years in your plan.

Plainly you prefer to live with your parents. Again nothing against that. I'd happily live with mine in my 20s but I'd prefer to house share somewhere. If renting with parents I'd expect to pay rent. That rent would be very similar to house share money.

I'm not naive about this. I'm just prepared to put up with a bit of hardship to rent. As per earlier longer commute, maybe deal with awkward landlord, sort the bills etc.....maybe there are those who aren't. It's easier stay with mammy.

Its not about being easier, its about being more logical.
If I did it your way I'd have to put off having children until my mid to late 30's.
That is not something I'm willing or prepared to do.
Its about priorities, really. And my priority is own my own place while paying my way to live at home.
I'm sacrificing some freedom but helping my parents financially and have increased my ability to save. Its worth it for that imo.
Short term pain, long term gain.

Looked at Lucan there on Daft.
Talking 400 to 600 for house share.

You'd surely be giving the parents min 100 a week? So 420 or 430 a month?

veryangryman wrote: »

I guess its alot of money when you consider that the morning buses tend to be packed on arrival from there. If or when you do get on, you join said sardines. You go home in the evening to a weird house where the communal area is never used and everyone lives in their room with (at best) a grunt when they see you in the house.

And the commute is rarely inside 1 hour

Still though, huge national debt. Rat race needs to be a priority.

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Ah shur our national debt is only due to scumbags being scumbags

Ah ok, so we don't need to pay it back?