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Child Item

Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

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Leg End Reject

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Euthanasia is legal in some European countries you know.
Have they up to date passports?

An unfortunate gas leak maybe?

looksee

It isn't a predicament at all Dickie. There is nothing 'tough' about your situation.

Your parents created/maintained the farm and the house and reared you. For practical purposes they signed the place over to you trusting that you would act in the best interests of them and the farm.

You have allowed yourself to convince yourself that somehow this means that you are now sole owner. Of course you have done improvements, of course you have added bits to the house - the house that will in the long run be entirely yours - don't give the impression you are doing them a favour.

You are only 36, being handed a house and farm while having a job doesn't mean you can sit on your backside and moulder. Get out and make your own way a bit, act as though you have not been handed 50 years or so of work already done for you. They don't need you yet and you can farm from nearby. Or at any rate turn part of the house into an apartment for yourself and stop kidding yourself you are master and doing your parents a favour.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Dickie10 wrote: »

i guess its just do i bite the bullet and move out ? like what would a prospective partner think ? its the thought of renting giving someone dead money i could be paying into something else. just wondering if there are many others like me ?? so the set up is the farm funds my parents food,fuel, electric. it looks after one family but would struggle to rear two. unless you went back to living a 1980s lifestyle

I think in your predicament these are the two things to reconcile.

I'm assuming because you're considering whether the farm could support two families you're looking to find love, settle down, have a family; not just go out and score women to take home.

I'm quite impressed by what your 'predicament' says about your character: you're hardworking, you're thinking very practically, you're being very considerate of your parents. You've got a whooole big bunch of green flags there for a woman about your age looking for someone to be in a committed partnership with.

However, it does mean you have a living situation that's not exactly romantic and realistically will either put people off or cause bother in the early days of a relationship.

You say your parents are in their 70s and 80s and out of the house 4 nights a week, so it looks like (thank god) they've a good while left in them compared to a lot of people that age. If (again please god) one or both of them live another 15 years and you're in the same position of an uncomfortable living situation, wanting to start a family but now being nearly 50, you've scuppered yourself. Also, they can be overbearing now, they're only going to get more elderly and more difficult, if you're now at the point where you're staying late at work to avoid them the nights they're home, imagine the weeks where they're home every night and gone even more dotty. I don't mean that as anything bad against your parents, the relationship between adult child and elderly parent is always challenging imo, especially when it's a single adult child who's living with them.

If you can afford it and it won't completely overstretch you time-wise I'd say bite the bullet and rent somewhere. Don't think of it as dead money, think of it as something you're investing to be in the right situation to do something that's an important goal: finding a partner.

Dickie10

thank you for that advice. yes i suppose thats the way to look at it as an investment in my life. a bit like education you cant ever put a value on something like that because it makes you who you are i suppose.its just so tempting to see rent as dead money when you possibly could get away without it

somefeen

I'm in the frustrating position where I can afford to move out but finding it difficult to actually get a place.
Landlords and house shares can be very selective and don't seem to want to know unless you have the right job and the right credentials.
At the moment I'm convinced my occupation is putting them off. I'm tempted to start pretending I'm in a different job with similar money and see if I get a better response.

Leg End Reject

somefeen wrote: »

I'm in the frustrating position where I can afford to move out but finding it difficult to actually get a place.
Landlords and house shares can be very selective and don't seem to want to know unless you have the right job and the right credentials.
At the moment I'm convinced my occupation is putting them off. I'm tempted to start pretending I'm in a different job with similar money and see if I get a better response.

What do you work as? It sounds intriguing ....

Dickie, renting won't be dead money because you'll have a better quality of life.

somefeen

Leg End Reject wrote: »

What do you work as? It sounds intriguing ....

Dickie, renting won't be dead money because you'll have a better quality of life.

Nothing particularly interesting. I'm a truck driver but I dunno if I'm paranoid or if people have a really poor image of truck drivers.
I earn about as much as newly qualified teacher or more than a 'freelance social media manager' but I'm convinced if either of those was my occupation I'd have much better luck

Always Tired

You're not going to get sympathy on here, this is the 'blame the OP especially if they are unemployed' brigade.

The best is people will tell you to emigrate, obviously from families comfortable enough that they could help someone with the cost of that. How do you get money together to move when you're unemployed and paying rent? They can't answer that as their parents wouldn't need to collect rent off them and they probably would get them a bit of work with family connections too.

This 'full employment' palace is the biggest lie. Lots of people can't get work in their location, and can't afford to relocate, and are totally screwed but no one cares about that they'll still say it's all your fault.

Leg End Reject

somefeen wrote: »

Nothing particularly interesting. I'm a truck driver but I dunno if I'm paranoid or if people have a really poor image of truck drivers.
I earn about as much as newly qualified teacher or more than a 'freelance social media manager' but I'm convinced if either of those was my occupation I'd have much better luck

Do you work long hours? It might just be that you'd be coming home very late, or up very early. I don't think there's a general poor image of truck drivers.

Be careful about lying though, it'll come out fairly soon, and your housemates might be more annoyed at the lie than your occupation.

[Deleted User]

@ Dickie10, you definitely need some physical separation from your parents and the privacy to lead your private life. Would it be possible to divide the house into a sort of cosy granny flat for your parents and an independent living space for yourself?

Your parents have handed you a great gift but it's got strings attached and it's still their home. If you can make it two homes, do it. If you can't, rent somewhere for yourself or if you can get a small morgage to build a granny flat annex. Just make sure you have some separation and privacy to build a life for yourself. It's not dead money when it's buying you long term happiness.

Looksee is right though, improvements aren't a favor for your parents when you're ultimately going to be the main beneficiary of them.

JupiterKid

Dickie10 wrote: »

thank you for that advice. yes i suppose thats the way to look at it as an investment in my life. a bit like education you cant ever put a value on something like that because it makes you who you are i suppose.its just so tempting to see rent as dead money when you possibly could get away without it

I wish people would start to move away from the “rent is dead money” mindset that seems so entrenched and prevalent in Ireland.

If you can find somewhere affordable and comfortable to rent and in the long-term you will benefit (as you will in inheriting your parents’ farm OP) then renting in the short to medium-term is a very viable solution.

Filmer Paradise

JupiterKid wrote: »

I wish people would start to move away from the “rent is dead money” mindset that seems so entrenched and prevalent in Ireland.

If you can find somewhere affordable and comfortable to rent and in the long-term you will benefit (as you will in inheriting your parents’ farm OP) then renting in the short to medium-term is a very viable solution.

The first part of your post is viable for people in their 20'/30's. Renting long term into your 50's, 60's & beyond is seriously ungood in this country. Rent never dies, a mortgage has an end.

Second part. I agree totally.

JupiterKid

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

The first part of your post is viable for people in their 20'/30's. Renting long term into your 50's, 60's & beyond is seriously ungood in this country. Rent never dies, a mortgage has an end.

Second part. I agree totally.

The reality is that renting for younger households IS becoming the norm in urban Ireland. Between 1991 and 2016 the share of the total housing stock that was in the private rented sector sharply increased from 10% to 19%, marking the reversal of a long-standing decline in the private rented sector since the beginning of the 20th century.

The question is not really if owner-occupation is better than long term renting, but how we can address the growth in private renting into the future. The route to owner-occupation for younger households in Ireland is becoming increasingly more difficult.

But this is off topic!

2ygb4cmqetsjhx

I love my parents get along great with them but can't live with them. I moved out the day after college at 22. I am 30 now and married. Was home with the parents recently with the wife and it was an absolute nightmare. My mother has no sense of boundaries which is grand I guess and I was used to it. My wife was going mad. One day in the middle of the day I was in bed riding and my mother walked in asking us do we want a cup of tea or some lunch or something. Mortified so I was. She didn't see anything because we were under a blanket but it is very weird to be balls deep in a woman and looking at your mam.

2ygb4cmqetsjhx

Time Delay wrote: »

Go to a German city and you'll see OAPs collecting empty beer bottles that they cash in for a few euro. All their pension money goes on the rent...

Yeah renting for life, sounds brillant.

Germany has home ownership around 40% last time I checked. It's not just renting for life that causes the issues there. There are other problems.

PARlance

somefeen wrote: »

Nothing particularly interesting. I'm a truck driver but I dunno if I'm paranoid or if people have a really poor image of truck drivers.
I earn about as much as newly qualified teacher or more than a 'freelance social media manager' but I'm convinced if either of those was my occupation I'd have much better luck

To tell the truth, you may be right. It's probably a fairly different job to most potential sharers and there's probably a bad stereotype of truck drivers out there as well.

Maybe try "logistics" or something like that if you're having trouble getting the foot in the door to meet people.

punisher5112

No wonder the way the economy ran....

Spongers for life

Wompa1

JupiterKid wrote: »

I wish people would start to move away from the “rent is dead money” mindset that seems so entrenched and prevalent in Ireland.

If you can find somewhere affordable and comfortable to rent and in the long-term you will benefit (as you will in inheriting your parents’ farm OP) then renting in the short to medium-term is a very viable solution.

Yep, it definitely is not dead money. It's an investment.

Renting allows you to move around. It gives you more freedom of choice to pursue jobs in different locations to skill up and make more money that will eventually pay you back what you spent on rent plus a whole lot more over time.

emilymemily

My mother is the very same, im the only girl and always felt like she didnt really like me, we never had a good relationship and although im living under her roof, paying rent to her every week, we hardly speak to each other and I keep out of her way.
Im 30, cant get a job and cant afford to rent cant even get a decent volunteer position outside of standing on the street with a bucket collecting money. It is so frustrating, it feels like a block in my life that I cant get past no matter how hard I try.
I buy all my own food, clean up after myself, wash my own clothes and dont get any money off my parents for anything but still feel like im stuck in my teenage years, fights occur regularly over silly things, the other day I fed the cat, she didnt want me to feed him she wanted to do it her self and started shouting at me so I left the room to avoid argument, she starts shouting after me then follows me up the stairs to my bedroom with the cat dish screaming at me to take it. Its horrible, mammys are crazy.

punisher5112

emilymemily wrote: »

My mother is the very same, im the only girl and always felt like she didnt really like me, we never had a good relationship and although im living under her roof, paying rent to her every week, we hardly speak to each other and I keep out of her way.
Im 30, cant get a job and cant afford to rent cant even get a decent volunteer position outside of standing on the street with a bucket collecting money. It is so frustrating, it feels like a block in my life that I cant get past no matter how hard I try.
I buy all my own food, clean up after myself, wash my own clothes and dont get any money off my parents for anything but still feel like im stuck in my teenage years, fights occur regularly over silly things, the other day I fed the cat, she didnt want me to feed him she wanted to do it her self and started shouting at me so I left the room to avoid argument, she starts shouting after me then follows me up the stairs to my bedroom with the cat dish screaming at me to take it. Its horrible, mammys are crazy.

Yours does sound a little but then maybe she wants you to go out and work.

Mango Joe

emilymemily wrote: »

My mother is the very same, im the only girl and always felt like she didnt really like me, we never had a good relationship and although im living under her roof, paying rent to her every week, we hardly speak to each other and I keep out of her way.
Im 30, cant get a job and cant afford to rent cant even get a decent volunteer position outside of standing on the street with a bucket collecting money. It is so frustrating, it feels like a block in my life that I cant get past no matter how hard I try.
I buy all my own food, clean up after myself, wash my own clothes and dont get any money off my parents for anything but still feel like im stuck in my teenage years, fights occur regularly over silly things, the other day I fed the cat, she didnt want me to feed him she wanted to do it her self and started shouting at me so I left the room to avoid argument, she starts shouting after me then follows me up the stairs to my bedroom with the cat dish screaming at me to take it. Its horrible, mammys are crazy.

Hi - I just wanted to say that it sounds like your Mam has serious issues shes not dealing with or whatever and you have my deepest sympathies - I can't imagine how soul-destroying it must be to be stuck in the house with her crap behaviour - Wishing you the best.

PS there's a number of subreddits where people discuss living with negative or abusive parents - Raised by narcissists is one and should open the door to the others. I sincerely believe reading of others experiences could only give one perspective and perhaps feel less likely to blame themselves in any way for these types of behaviours.

Actually linked here - https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

[Deleted User]

I do understand why someone cant gets a job in the areas they want but it is hard to credit that they can't get any job what soever?

My children moved out by late teens early twenties one went to university in the uk and one moved in with her them bf.

Of course, it depends on the situation but think of it from a parent's point of view children grow up and are supposed to move on to something, yet the parents are looking at a30 35 or 40-year-old still in their childhood bedroom, it's bound to be frustrating for them.

The person with the farm, get a loan from the credit union and get a shomra or the like and put it somewhere on the farm creating your own home there are loads doing that.

emilymemily

mariaalice wrote: »

I do understand why someone cant gets a job in the areas they want but it is hard to credit that they can't get any job what soever?

My children moved out by late teens early twenties one went to university in the uk and one moved in with her them bf.

Of course, it depends on the situation but think of it from a parent's point of view children grow up and are supposed to move on to something, yet the parents are looking at a30 35 or 40-year-old still in their childhood bedroom, it's bound to be frustrating for them.

The person with the farm, get a loan from the credit union and get a shomra or the like and put it somewhere on the farm creating your own home there are loads doing that.

Can I just ask, your child that went to live and study in the UK in her late teens, was she funding that all by herself or where you helping her?
Your other child that moved with her boyfriend, what sort of job did she get and was getting any financial help from you or the boyfriend she moved with?

partyguinness

I think some parents regard their children boomeranging back into the family home as a sign of failure. It hurts.

SusieBlue

I'm 28 and living at home again since last year and being honest, I have no plans to move out any time soon.

I moved out for college, then returned. Then moved out for a few years to live with my ex, and when that relationship ended, I returned again. I've been continuously employed since the age of 16 and apart from a bit of help buying my Debs dress, I've been completely financially independent too.

I put myself through college and paid more than my fair share of bills & expenses when living with my ex so I'm pretty good with money.
I obviously pay my parents rent but its nowhere near the market rate for the area. I make up for it by helping around the house, and buying things for the house when needed.
I'm saving for a mortgage which will be a long road to do on my own, so my parents are happy for me to stay for as long as necessary.

I get along quite well with them, I don't think I'd have lasted this long there if I didn't. They don't want me to move out because they see renting (again) as a waste of money. They're happy for me to keep the head down and try to gather the funds as quickly as possible.

With the exception of those who have mortgages with their partners, all my friends still live at home. Rental properties are in short supply and are extortionately priced around here, so its the new norm.

I feel lucky to be in a position to be able to save & have a roof over my head but I am a bit bitter and frustrated that my parents generation could buy a nice house for approx. 2yrs of income, whereas now you'd be looking at 9 times your annual income (for me anyway).
Stats like that are depressing.

[Deleted User]

emilymemily wrote: »

Can I just ask, your child that went to live and study in the UK in her late teens, was she funding that all by herself or where you helping her?
Your other child that moved with her boyfriend, what sort of job did she get and was getting any financial help from you or the boyfriend she moved with?

The one going to the uk has saving from a summer job and she got some supprot for me not enough to live on she got a job while studing, the other one lived on fresh air the most she ever asked for was money to buy food eveynow and then she is very independent its her personality. I would help them but not to the point of totaly supporting them. In fact I would say they both got more when living at home that when they moved away. I wouldnt mind if they moved home for a while if they ever needed to as long as they has some plan.

LollipopJimmy

guitarzero wrote: »

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

It's a bit like that for me, I actually bought the family home, odd situation but my Mother still lives there, I take care of everything, all the bills and the upkeep but I know as long as my Mother is around it will always be her house, and tbh I really don't mind that. What I do mind is that I get grief for leaving things 'lying about' or not doing DIY - my Dad always had some sort of project on the go.
I leave the house at 5.30am and don't usually return until 7pm and my Mother is away most weekends or I'm with my GF.

In the main it's grand but people seem to be quick to judge but I didn't want my Mother struggling to pay for the house after my father passed away (He'd had underlying medical conditions so insurance was a non runner) so this suited us both.

shamrock55

No child in their 20s should be living with parents, I craved indapendance at that age and moved into a ****ty apartment but I loved it as it was mine, I'd call home regularly for the odd dinner and chat, parents need freedom too, I'm not sure I'd be too happy if my kids were still living with us at that age

iamwhoiam

I am very grateful that we could help out when our kids needed to live here for various reasons .I am very grateful that they were mature enough to ask and get help and a hand up . They are all now very settled and have their own houses but we are delighted we could aid them and make the path smother .

Dickie10

im a bit the same I officially own the house according to the government /land register etc so a shre of the profit from the farm goes towards keeping the bills paid in the house, esb,intenet, (sky tv for my father!) diy jobs, food etc. my mother pays for the upkeep of her car alright. so im not exactly the same as another 35 year old living at home. in this situation the roles are completely reversed from childhood where I look after the health and upkeep of my parents. health insurance is another big bill. but it has great benefits the person with drive and energy is in charge of keeping the house and bills etc. plus the fair deal scheme will kick in because if in the event of a parent needing nursing home care it will be paid for from their pension because they have no assets in theo#ir name.