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Child Item

Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

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Edgware

Dickie10 wrote: »

im a bit the same I officially own the house according to the government /land register etc so a shre of the profit from the farm goes towards keeping the bills paid in the house, esb,intenet, (sky tv for my father!) diy jobs, food etc. my mother pays for the upkeep of her car alright. so im not exactly the same as another 35 year old living at home. in this situation the roles are completely reversed from childhood where I look after the health and upkeep of my parents. health insurance is another big bill. but it has great benefits the person with drive and energy is in charge of keeping the house and bills etc. plus the fair deal scheme will kick in because if in the event of a parent needing nursing home care it will be paid for from their pension because they have no assets in theo#ir name.

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

[Deleted User]

I find some of the relationships between people on here and their parents a bit mad.

I live at home (I'm 31). I moved away for a few years, but ended up back home, and bought the family house (it was an ex-council house, and my dad wouldn't have been in a position to purchase it, so i jumped at the chance).

We get on great. We rarely ever have anything more than basic day-to-day dialogue, or discussing things relating to the house or the neighbourhood or what's the weather like, etc. I respect his bit of privacy and he respects mine. Must be about 5 years since we last had a falling out (and ironically, I didn't live with him at the time).

beejee

Edgware wrote: »

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

Doesn't your ma go home most nights?

ChikiChiki

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

you need to leave Ireland, go to a country where there is work and get a job, your a big human now time to fly the nest and let mammy have a rest, it will do you the world of good.

Great idea In principle but when we left the mother got very lonely as she was on her own and had an absolute mental car crash. I know it's not the same for everyone. So there is always one at home at least nowadays. That happens to be 32 yr old me at the minute

I have flown the nest and lived abroad independently. I have a good job and could rent a place myself but need to be at home. It's ****ing tough

I wouldn't put everyone who still lives at home in the bracket of being leeches. Sometimes it's a necessity. I can tell you now if none of us were here my mother would be dead.

emilymemily

mariaalice wrote: »

The one going to the uk has saving from a summer job and she got some supprot for me not enough to live on she got a job while studing, the other one lived on fresh air the most she ever asked for was money to buy food eveynow and then she is very independent its her personality. I would help them but not to the point of totaly supporting them. In fact I would say they both got more when living at home that when they moved away. I wouldnt mind if they moved home for a while if they ever needed to as long as they has some plan.

That little bit of support is likely what enabled them to be able to move out of home and study abroad.
A part time job on its own while studying and renting isnt enough to sustain someone while paying rent, bills, food, social life, college fees and supplies. Your other daughter had you as a fall back for money or support when she needed food.
If neither of your children had the financial support from you they likely wouldnt have had the opportunities they have like studying abroad and moving out at late teens. I dont think its fair to compare people who have zero support at all to people who have had the support to help get them on their feet.
Your kids are privileged. Im sure they have worked very hard but having your support gave them the incentive and ability to do so, if they work a part time job and earn 250 or 300 euro, they also have you to bridge the gap and make ends meet, not all young people have that, they have to support themselves completely, that results in it taking much longer for them to get on their feet, they often have to take the long way around or the slower route to get anywhere and often just as hard workers, sometimes harder but all theyre earning is that 250 euro with nothing else to fall back on.

Id also be interested to know how your daughters got their first jobs, did you or a family member or friend have a hand in helping them to secure jobs? Maybe asked around for them? or asked a manager friend if theyre looking for staff to consider your child?

Id Believe Anything

33 and living at home. Love it. Not going anywhere soon. Saving a fortune on rent and food. Made a token effort to give the parents rent money but they refused, that was over two years ago.

Suck on that one, boomers.

SusieBlue

emilymemily wrote: »

That little bit of support is likely what enabled them to be able to move out of home and study abroad.
A part time job on its own while studying and renting isnt enough to sustain someone while paying rent, bills, food, social life, college fees and supplies. Your other daughter had you as a fall back for money or support when she needed food.
If neither of your children had the financial support from you they likely wouldnt have had the opportunities they have like studying abroad and moving out at late teens. I dont think its fair to compare people who have zero support at all to people who have had the support to help get them on their feet.
Your kids are privileged. Im sure they have worked very hard but having your support gave them the incentive and ability to do so, if they work a part time job and earn 250 or 300 euro, they also have you to bridge the gap and make ends meet, not all young people have that, they have to support themselves completely, that results in it taking much longer for them to get on their feet, they often have to take the long way around or the slower route to get anywhere and often just as hard workers, sometimes harder but all theyre earning is that 250 euro with nothing else to fall back on.

Id also be interested to know how your daughters got their first jobs, did you or a family member or friend have a hand in helping them to secure jobs? Maybe asked around for them? or asked a manager friend if theyre looking for staff to consider your child?

Sorry but I don’t agree, I’m only 28 so would have finished school during the height of the recession and by saving during the summers of 4th, 5th and 6th year I was well able to afford my fees working full time on minimum wage.

I worked a maximum of about 25 hours a week (not a lot really) during the academic year which gave me about €250 a week to play around with. My rent was €80 per week leaving me with €170 to live off of.
During the Christmas holidays etc. I could easily work 60/70 hours a week, which suppplemented me the rest of the year.
Now I won’t deny that there were weeks where I was stone broke and lived off of beans on toast, but I survived!
Naggins of vodka were €5 and walking home in the rain with a gang of friends was no trouble so I even managed to squeeze in a pretty good social life :pac:

I got every job myself, I worked in retail, waitressing, babysitting on the side and a lot of bar work. On more than one occasion I worked more than one job.
My parents would have loved nothing more than to help me but unfortunately they weren’t in a position to do so at the time. The responsibility was on me to get myself through it.

I’m not for a minute denying it’s hard and I know some people have awful luck when it comes to these things but I really think that if an adult has reached their late 20’s/early 30’s and have never managed to hold down a job or complete a short course then it’s a reflection on them and not their circumstances.
Particularly when we’re nearly at full employment levels.

emilymemily

SusieBlue wrote: »

Sorry but I don’t agree, I’m only 28 so would have finished school during the height of the recession and by saving during the summers of 4th, 5th and 6th year I was well able to afford my fees working full time on minimum wage.

I worked a maximum of about 25 hours a week (not a lot really) during the academic year which gave me about €250 a week to play around with. My rent was €80 per week leaving me with €170 to live off of.
During the Christmas holidays etc. I could easily work 60/70 hours a week, which suppplemented me the rest of the year.
Now I won’t deny that there were weeks where I was stone broke and lived off of beans on toast, but I survived!
Naggins of vodka were €5 and walking home in the rain with a gang of friends was no trouble so I even managed to squeeze in a pretty good social life :pac:

I got every job myself, I worked in retail, waitressing, babysitting on the side and a lot of bar work. On more than one occasion I worked more than one job.
My parents would have loved nothing more than to help me but unfortunately they weren’t in a position to do so at the time. The responsibility was on me to get myself through it.

I’m not for a minute denying it’s hard and I know some people have awful luck when it comes to these things but I really think that if an adult has reached their late 20’s/early 30’s and have never managed to hold down a job or complete a short course then it’s a reflection on them and not their circumstances.
Particularly when we’re nearly at full employment levels.

I completely agree that if a capable adult in their late 20's or 30's hasn't completed a short course or held down a job its a reflection on them, im not suggesting people who do nothing have had it hard and thats why they do nothing lol, I know people exactly like this and their lack of jobs and education has nothing to do with their circumstances.
Im just saying, its not far to compare people, particularly comparing young people who have support to those who dont and assume that everyone should be at the same place by a certain age. Theres allot of factors that determine how things work out, life isnt a straight path.
Well done on achieving everything by yourself, its not easy, I dont know your circumstances but sounds like you lived somewhere you could get work, location and transport are a huge block to some people in terms of gaining employment and as you said, some people have terrible luck, so much effects how things work out but, that said, having family support, even if its just 50 euro a week, can determine whether someone gets on their feet by a certain age or not.

TheDavester

Id Believe Anything wrote: »

33 and living at home. Love it. Not going anywhere soon. Saving a fortune on rent and food. Made a token effort to give the parents rent money but they refused, that was over two years ago.

Suck on that one, boomers.

same age and situation but i have to pay them rent - 550 a month and food is up to myself....its handier though i suppose you know the landlord

I think my parents prefer it as theres more money in the house (the morgage is paid and they can do more stuff/get sky etc_

Edgware

beejee wrote: »

Doesn't your ma go home most nights?

Thursday Friday Saturday the massage parlour stays open late so she sleeps on the premises and doesnt do outcalls

Dickie10

Edgware wrote: »

But what happens if you bring the local slapper home some night?

i suppose u just go out in dublin or galway and do that craic. if your settling down and going out with a girl im sure nature will take its course

Yer Da sells Avon

shamrock55 wrote: »

No child in their 20s should be living with parents, I craved indapendance at that age and moved into a ****ty apartment but I loved it as it was mine, I'd call home regularly for the odd dinner and chat, parents need freedom too, I'm not sure I'd be too happy if my kids were still living with us at that age

I hate the "I did this and therefore everybody else should too" attitude that crops up so often on AH. Everyone's different. Everyone's parents are different.

I lived with my mum until I was 30. She was very easy to live with. I think I was too. Had she not died, I reckon I'd still be living with her now at 37. My parents were divorced and my mum wasn't in the best of health, so I don't think she would have liked living alone. It suited us both. I had total freedom and independence, could come and go as I liked, did my share of the housework and paid my share of the bills every week. She had security, company and a few extra euro.

As her health deteriorated, I became her de facto carer. Had I not been living with her, the care arrangements would have been far more complicated. We'd have pulled together and coped, but me living there anyway made the transition from relative to carer much more seamless.

Tony EH

Celia Many Ladder wrote: »

I love my parents get along great with them but can't live with them. I moved out the day after college at 22. I am 30 now and married. Was home with the parents recently with the wife and it was an absolute nightmare. My mother has no sense of boundaries which is grand I guess and I was used to it. My wife was going mad. One day in the middle of the day I was in bed riding and my mother walked in asking us do we want a cup of tea or some lunch or something. Mortified so I was. She didn't see anything because we were under a blanket but it is very weird to be balls deep in a woman and looking at your mam.

I'd be more worried about that third testicle to be honest.

Tony EH

partyguinness wrote: »

I think some parents regard their children boomeranging back into the family home as a sign of failure. It hurts.

It's a socio-economic failure that's out of their hands.

Simply put, nobody should have to retreat back to the family home, or never be able to afford to leave it, in a decently functioning society.

Basic essentials are costing way too much these days.

Feisar

Tony EH wrote: »

I'd be more worried about that third testicle to be honest.

I didn't read the poster name and read the post about five times before I twigged it. I was sitting here going, "third testicle???"

Tony EH

I can picture you..."WTF is he on about?"

tylercheribini

Id Believe Anything wrote: »

33 and living at home. Love it. Not going anywhere soon. Saving a fortune on rent and food. Made a token effort to give the parents rent money but they refused, that was over two years ago.

Suck on that one, boomers.

With you there brutha, I pay 50 euro rent a week, do recycling and cook once or twice a week also. I couldnt care less what societal conventions dictate as 'the norm' regarding moving out/having 2.4 kids etc. What was socially expected in my parents generation has changed drastically, any of my friends that signed up for this traditional model seem pretty miserable/exhausted ðŸ˜

c68zapdsm5i1ru

Barely There wrote: »

If your still living at home in your mid-20's you'd really want to have a word with yourself.

I haven't met anyone living at home with their parents in their 30's who weren't complete and utter lost causes.

What a stupid post. People vary, family dynamics vary, people's circumstances vary.

You certainly don't sound as if moving out of home has made you grow up and broaden your mind in any way.

And no, I don't live with my mother, but I respect the many reasons why many adults do.

Grow up!

tylercheribini

Braelyn Fat Toe wrote: »

What a stupid post. People vary, family dynamics vary, people's circumstances vary.

You certainly don't sound as if moving out of home has made you grow up and broaden your mind in any way.

And no, I don't live with my mother, but I respect the many reasons why many adults do.

Grow up!

I know people that rushed into marriage/mortgage/kids early in life, all went tits up by their 30's and are now back where they started living at home with the folks anyway. I'm curious as to how these people are categorised by the judge,juries and executioners on this thread.

Wildly Boaring

Every house is different

My parents are lovely people and I'm sure we'd get along just fine. There's never been a row in the house, ever really.
My and my brothers have all done a few weeks or even a a couple months back with them over the years.

Seems a bit unnatural though.
I worked right through college and first thoughts on graduation were "Get and proper job, find somewhere to rent"
Got the job and took my time - 5 or 6 weeks - finding a good rental

Even when i had a job just down the road from home for a year I still rented locally.
Was probably in the parents house every second day for something, even just to say hello.

For someone like Dickie above, I know the story well. Happens on lots of farms.
My own uncle and aunt eventually split the house with his parents.
In your shoes I'd be trying to agree a split of the house or getting onto someone like these boys
http://thepodfactory.ie/
Even just for a studio type job.

There are several posters living with parents in 20s and 30s.
Any chance of sorting a house share with mates or even complete strangers?
Your parent's house may be in a great location and you may need to move out a bit (say dublin out to maynooth).
Small bit of hardship to get proper independence.
Never know you could love it

Then some situations make perfect sense. The posters living with single parents etc.

[Deleted User]

tylercheribini wrote: »

I know people that rushed into marriage/mortgage/kids early in life, all went tits up by their 30's and are now back where they started living at home with the folks anyway. I'm curious as to how these people are categorised by the judge,juries and executioners on this thread.

To be honest I think that a weird one as well unless its a short term plan to get sorted, then when the parents die they somehow think its their house and cant believe they have to buy out their siblings.

How long does it last, if someone's marriage broke up in their 40s 50s would they still think of going home to their parents.

I know circumstances can vary, but it does come across as the person is unable to break the psychological link with their parents as a crutch to fall back on.

SusieBlue

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

There are several posters living with parents in 20s and 30s.
Any chance of sorting a house share with mates or even complete strangers?
Your parent's house may be in a great location and you may need to move out a bit (say dublin out to maynooth).
Small bit of hardship to get proper independence.
Never know you could love it

I'd love it, in fact I'd enjoy it a lot more than living at home.
But as someone who is currently single it would add about 4/5 years onto the time it would take me to save for a mortgage.
It would also add at least an hour (each way) onto my commute each day.
It would reduce my quality of life, make the working day more stressful, I'd be sharing with strangers and it would push my plans to get a mortgage even further away.

Orrrrr...I could put the head down and hopefully get a mortgage on my own in 2-3 years. Short term pain for long term gain.

tylercheribini

mariaalice wrote: »

To be honest I think that a weird one as well unless its a short term plan to get sorted, then when the parents die they somehow think its there house and cant believe they have to buy out their siblings.

How long does it last, if someone's marriage broke up in their 40s 50s would they still think of going home to their parents.

I know circumstances can vary, but it does come across as the person is unable to break the psychological link with their parents as a crutch to fall back on.

In the cases I know of I'd imagine the decision was primarily out of economic necessity, none of them were particularly well off, especially with kids involved. I never understood this brutal ideology of you must never seek assistance from your parents, screams America!

Wildly Boaring

SusieBlue wrote: »

I'd love it, in fact I'd enjoy it a lot more than living at home.
But as someone who is currently single it would add about 4/5 years onto the time it would take me to save for a mortgage.
It would also add at least an hour (each way) onto my commute each day.
It would reduce my quality of life, make the working day more stressful, I'd be sharing with strangers and it would push my plans to get a mortgage even further away.

Orrrrr...I could put the head down and hopefully get a mortgage on my own in 2-3 years. Short term pain for long term gain.

I take your point.
What is the mortgage obsession?
You're saying 3 years in parent's house / 7 or 8 whilst renting?

I don't see the problem with the 7 or 8 year rent.
is it not pretty normal. Say graduate at 22 and own mortgage by 30?
House share with mates/whomever and possibly boyfriend/girlfriend before buying at a reasonable age?

Living at home with mammy isn't pain to me. I'd see it as imposing on the parents rather than pain to the 20 / 30 year old.

As for the longer commute. Get used to it. The generation coming is going to be commuting unless there's 2 of ye with nice jobs.

iamwhoiam

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

I take your point.
What is the mortgage obsession?
You're saying 3 years in parent's house / 7 or 8 whilst renting?

I don't see the problem with the 7 or 8 year rent.
is it not pretty normal. Say graduate at 22 and own mortgage by 30?
House share with mates/whomever and possibly boyfriend/girlfriend before buying at a reasonable age?

Living at home with mammy isn't pain to me. I'd see it as imposing on the parents rather than pain to the 20 / 30 year old.

As for the longer commute. Get used to it. The generation coming is going to be commuting unless there's 2 of ye with nice jobs.

Why would see it as imposing on other people’s parents . ? Every situation and every parent is different , some parents are happy to have company , some have large houses with plenty of room. Some have granny flats that are not in use

Myleftpeg

We live with my partners parents, both of us in early 30s, 1 x 18 month old baby, 1 x self employed business owner and 1 x poorly paid.

We have saved a decent deposit over the past 8 years and only recently moved in with her folks with birth of son, while its not ideal situation its not as bad as some people would make out.

Yes there is times when i want to smash my co habitats heads in with he frying pan, but with house and rental prices the way they are its hard to justify spending all our deposit.

Hopeful that market will continue to slow down

SusieBlue

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

I take your point.
What is the mortgage obsession?
You're saying 3 years in parent's house / 7 or 8 whilst renting?

I don't see the problem with the 7 or 8 year rent.
is it not pretty normal. Say graduate at 22 and own mortgage by 30?
House share with mates/whomever and possibly boyfriend/girlfriend before buying at a reasonable age?

Living at home with mammy isn't pain to me. I'd see it as imposing on the parents rather than pain to the 20 / 30 year old.

As for the longer commute. Get used to it. The generation coming is going to be commuting unless there's 2 of ye with nice jobs.

The mortgage obsession? Are you aware of the rental crisis?
If I could rent long term, securely, for a reasonable price like you can in other European countries I wouldn't bother with a mortgage at all.
Its to give myself security when I am elderly cause I sure as hell won't be able to pay €1,500 a month rent when I'm not working and I don't aspire to live in a house share at that age either.

I lived with my ex, renting, for several years. I moved home when that relationship ended last year.
I don't want to be living in a house share in my late 30's (no offence to anyone who does). I want to have my own children by then, so living in a houseshare at that point of my life isn't feasible anyway.
My commute is already about an hour, moving further out would only add another hour to it.

You seem to be really naive to the struggles people are facing trying to source accommodation.

If it were really that straightforward to just rent with friends, save for a mortgage, and have a decent quality of life and work/life balance there wouldn't be so many people in their 20's (and older) still living with their parents.

I really don't see the logic of putting myself through extra years of hardship paying extortionate rent when I can just stay at home, give my folks a few bob towards paying off their own mortgage and hopefully get my own a bit sooner than otherwise.

[Deleted User]

mariaalice wrote: »

I know circumstances can vary, but it does come across as the person is unable to break the psychological link with their parents as a crutch to fall back on.

Why the need to break the link with your parents? I could never see a time when I would not be very close to my parents and where our lives where not intertwined. I really don’t get this desire to move out as fast as possible and sort of cut ties with parents, to me it’s heavily overrated. Even when I wasn’t living out of home for a few years mid-20’s to easy 30’s (only because of living too far away to commute to work) I was at home nearly every weekend and in daily contact. I see it as a good thing and think all this “making your own way” “independence” and worst of all purposely putting yourself though hardship is all a bit silly.

I’m building a house next door to my parents now so even when I’m not living at home it will be the next best thing.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

Yes I think it's sad that we have such a negative view of adults living with or moving back in with parents. Obviously it wouldn't work in some cases, but in others it means company, and practical and financial assistance for an elderly parent, and a nicer home in a nicer area for their adult son or daughter. What's wrong with that if everyone gets along and the adult child pulls their weight and takes on responsibility for some of the housework and maintenance and the parent treats their adult offspring like a proper grown up?

tylercheribini

Braelyn Fat Toe wrote: »

Yes I think it's sad that we have such a negative view of adults living with or moving back in with parents. Obviously it wouldn't work in some cases, but in others it means company, and practical and financial assistance for an elderly parent, and a nicer home in a nicer area for their adult son or daughter. What's wrong with that if everyone gets along and the adult child pulls their weight and takes on responsibility for some of the housework and maintenance and the parent treats their adult offspring like a proper grown up?

Hear ye! Family is the most important thing in life, bar the luck of having a few close friends, everything else is ephemeral. Personally I dont mind living with the folks, we both enjoy healthy social lives away from each other,which is key.It helps they are fond of a tipple at the weekends too. It really seems to be one extreme or the other between people wanting to live at home or "escaping" the first chance they get. I fully understand some of my friends choosing the latter as their parents are ultra-conservative in every way.