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Cancelling on friends

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  • 30-08-2016 6:08pm
    #1
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 13,712 ✭✭✭✭


    Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

    Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

    Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

    The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

    I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

    Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

    What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?


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    #2
    GLaDOS
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,209 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    Sounds like he just disappointed not to be able to catch up with you, especially after a second cancellation.

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



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    #3
    evolving_doors
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭evolving_doors


    Cut to the chase Op, what was yer excuse(s)?

    Ya, you may find some people who make plans to meet 'good friends' do so at a cost to their own life (cancel or postponing a family occasion, forgoing work etc).

    Go on.. This better be good.


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    #4
    Olishi4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,469 ✭✭✭Olishi4


    I think if it's a thing that lots of people are meeting up then and just you are cancelling, it's grand but if you are arranging to just meet up specifically then maybe a bit more notice unless it's an emergency.

    It does sound like your pal was just disappointed. Maybe it would be best to make sure that you don't cancel the next time.


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    #5
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    In the same position as your mate and the number of nights I have been out this year can be counted on 1 hand.
    I would be seriously peeved if I was cancelled on by a friend without a very good reason.


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    #6
    maudgonner
    Registered Users Posts: 5,455 ✭✭✭maudgonner


    I hate serial cancellers. If we've made definite plans and I have arranged things around it, then I would be pissed off if someone cancelled on me twice in quick succession, unless they had a good excuse. It sends out a message that the person isn't very important to you and you don't value their time.

    If you can't commit to something then you should make that very clear when making any plans. To be honest you should have read the signals the first time you cancelled and he told you it had put him out, I don't know why you're surprised he's pissed off at you for cancelling at fairly short notice again.


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    #7
    Chain Smoker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,484 ✭✭✭Chain Smoker


    Cancelling twice in a month is a level of flakiness that deserves to be called out imo. Even if you have good reasons for both occasions you can hardly be surprised that the other person will be a bit peeved, it chucks a weird kind of power dynamic into what sounds like an already waning friendship (i.e. "am I a loser for being the one who is repeatedly cancelled on?").


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Surely everything depends on the reason for cancelling.

    If a friend cancelled on me twice for no stated reason, I'd assume meeting up wasn't important to them. Of course if they gave a reason, and it was anyway half decent, I'd be much more likely to get over it.


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    #9
    Steve
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 22,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭Steve


    You are in the wrong OP, once, fair enough, twice, with no real excuse... you are now an ex-friend.

    I know many people like you, I pretty much ignore them now, life is too short.


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    #10
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,240 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    In the same position as your mate and the number of nights I have been out this year can be counted on 1 hand.
    I would be seriously peeved if I was cancelled on by a friend without a very good reason.

    Wanna go for a pint?


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    #11
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,110 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

    Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

    Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

    The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

    I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

    Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

    What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

    You don't seem all that bothered about not seeing him - are the cancellations genuine?

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #12
    Del2005
    Registered Users Posts: 18,916 ✭✭✭✭Del2005


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

    Nothing is easy when kids are involved and getting a pass out for the night from the better half would involve a lot of work.

    The fact that he's had to do it twice and you cancelled both times is a major inconvenience for him.


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    #13
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,314 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    endacl wrote: »
    Wanna go for a pint?

    Would you cancel on me via Whatsapp with 24 hours notice? ??


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    #14
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Why a whatsapp voice message?
    I'd just find that more bizarre than anything.

    Maybe I'm missing out but I've never had a need to use that function, especially not to cancel on friends, I just call them or send a regular text.


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    #15
    jamesbere
    Registered Users Posts: 5,022 ✭✭✭jamesbere


    You shouldn't be so quick to judge, he could have a lot going on you don't know about and was looking forward to meeting up.


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    #16
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    people who cancel are d!cks*
    once is ok if enough notice is given but a 2nd time...fcuk that

    sorry OP if I was him I'd hate you too.


    * usual emergency exceptions but not that your kid has a cold...like fcuk off


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    #17
    RobertKK
    Registered Users Posts: 33,730 ✭✭✭✭RobertKK


    To cancel once is acceptable, to do it twice sends all the wrong signals and meeting that person is a chore that you don't want to do.


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    #18
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Tasden wrote: »

    Maybe I'm missing out but I've never had a need to use that function, especially not to cancel on friends, I just call them or send a regular text.

    They are mad handy if you are driving or have loads to say and aren't in a position to text. I often send them if I have a funny story that is best told 'in person' but I don't wanna have a conversation.


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    #19
    mad muffin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭mad muffin


    Friends don't cancel on friends unless they have a very good reason. Twice in a row? Well then you're not really friends.


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    #20
    DopeTech
    Registered Users Posts: 6,763 ✭✭✭DopeTech


    I'd be pissed off at you too tbh. As you said he doesn't do much on the weekends. He was probably looking forward to a night out away from the wife and kids. Cancelling twice is a bit of a douche move.


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    #21
    Thoie
    Registered Users Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

    What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

    It's the second cancellation that's the problem. They'd both want to be "my house is on fire" reasons (and genuine reasons, not some made up emergency), and even with that I'd do some serious grovelling.

    Yes, flexibility is part of friendship, but if the other guy is the one who's always being flexible, I'm not surprised he's annoyed. Think about the last 3 times you've been flexible for him, and compare them with the last few times he's been the flexible one.

    If you really want to catch up with him, why not offer to go out to his house some evening while his wife is out and he's home with the kids and keep him company?


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    #22
    Agricola
    Registered Users Posts: 6,547 ✭✭✭Agricola


    You remind me of a friend I used to have OP. It became clear that he couldn't give a toss how many times he cancelled plans or indeed bother to make plans for a future meetup. When it gets to that stage, "friend" isn't the correct word for the relationship.


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    #23
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Loveinapril wrote: »
    They are mad handy if you are driving or have loads to say and aren't in a position to text. I often send them if I have a funny story that is best told 'in person' but I don't wanna have a conversation.

    See if I used it to tell a funny story it'd just be five minute recording of me trying to compose myself and stop laughing at the story rather than actally telling the story.


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    #24
    Widdershins
    Registered Users Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    It doesn't matter if he's not a lawyer on a pro bono scheme. We all value our time. As has been said already, he's disappointed. Can you not make it up to him?


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    #25
    diomed
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,744 ✭✭✭diomed


    Don't be a promiser. Its just an excuse for not doing something.


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    #26
    Jay D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Jay D


    I very rarely break plans. I think I've broken one in my life.

    There was a time I had been on a mega session arriving home at 1pm after a night out in Dublin, only to be on the road at 7 to get to a gathering in Kells.

    It's just the way I am. I hate breaking plans and do get a bit annoyed when people do it a lot. Which is common.


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    #27
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Tasden wrote: »
    See if I used it to tell a funny story it'd just be five minute recording of me trying to compose myself and stop laughing at the story rather than actally telling the story.

    That's what makes it funnier. I love hearing my friends' tones of voice or mannerisms in the messages. What is weird is I hate listening to voicemails though. I don't know why. I usually wait and do them all in one go purely to get that bloody icon off my screen.


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    #28
    The Jman
    Registered Users Posts: 250 ✭✭The Jman


    I don't know you Op but right now I hate you!!!


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    #29
    Sam Kade
    Registered Users Posts: 12,313 ✭✭✭✭Sam Kade


    Steve wrote: »
    You are in the wrong OP, once, fair enough, twice, with no real excuse... you are now an ex-friend.

    I know many people like you, I pretty much ignore them now, life is too short.

    Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


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    #30
    Outlaw Pete
    Registered Users Posts: 10,423 ✭✭✭✭Outlaw Pete


    This is why Christopher McCandless went off to live in the woods.


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    #31
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I'd be peeved at two cancellations, but I'd be really peeved if the canceller decided to text me that they were backing out instead of doing me the courtesy of calling me and explaining their reasons and apologising for the inconvenience.

    There's no substitute for speaking to someone when you're letting them down, it's just good manners to do so.


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