Cancelling on friends

Chain Smoker

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

jeez relax, I went to the pub! Why all the hate?! I had my reasons to cancel (same reason twice, genuine & unavoidable family (farm) commitments )

...

To the person who said WhatsApp chats are rude, I direct you to a calendar, it's 2016 luv

Ahhhh, I assume said friend isn't from a farming background too if he didn't understand that one? That's pretty unfair but I feel like farmers tend to get that ****e a lot. Bad form on his part to not get it; you don't seem to really get how kids would make his life a lot busier than it seems on the surface too mind.

WhatsApp voice message depends on what you mean. Is that an attempted call that he didn't answer or is it just holding down the microphone button? The latter would strike me as wanting to appear as though you've made a call without taking the actual risk of the dude answering. It's something of an awkward medium to respond to.



BTW, the answer to how many cancellations is two many is two within a one month time frame

bur

Haha, but has time to go to the pub on a tuesday night.

definite troll job.

Amanda.ie

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

You are wrong, unless you had a death in the family which is the only justifiable reason for cancelling at short notice.
I never cancel. People only cancel because they cant be arsed or got a better offer imo

evolving_doors

I'll post more advice in a few days op.
Just hang on there.

Chain Smoker

Chain Smoker wrote: »

WhatsApp voice message depends on what you mean. Is that an attempted call that he didn't answer or is it just holding down the microphone button? The latter would strike me as wanting to appear as though you've made a call without taking the actual risk of the dude answering. It's something of an awkward medium to respond to.

Maybe your circle of friends is different, but I'd estimate that about 70% of phone communications in my circle of friends is WhatsApp voice recordings.

We all have busy lives, I'd actually consider it rude to have to take a phone call over something non-urgent. Similarly, I find WhatsApp texts fairly impersonal, and only use them for Yes/ No type scenarios... "I'm in SuperValu, do you want anything?" , "Any post?", etc.

I see why some people might consider whatsapp voice messages rude, but it's definitely the standard way to communicate in my circle of friends, and that includes the friend I'm referring to.

bur wrote: »

Haha, but has time to go to the pub on a tuesday night.

definite troll job.

What are you on about? I went for a couple of pints last night, because I didn't go out on the weekend. There's nothing incongruous or fishy about that. I have particular reasons for being busy on weekends, ok?

Jeez I didn't think I'd be having to defend myself here. I don't think my friend took the cancellation half as badly as some of you lot. It was a thread about where you draw the line on cancellations yourselves, you'll be sorry to hear I'm meeting my friend for pints on Friday; I can only hope some of you can forgive me like he has.

Elliott S

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Jeez I didn't think I'd be having to defend myself here. I don't think my friend took the cancellation half as badly as some of you lot.

What the fúckity fúck?

It sounds like your friend took it pretty badly. In addition, there was a lack of detail in the OP, the important detail being the reason for the cancellations. When you weren't forthcoming with the reasons, of course there was going to be speculation. There are of course good reasons to cancel and it's weird that you didn't mention them. Only vague mention of "busy lives". Note to OP: all adults lead busy lives, especially those with children. Don't be getting sulky because people didn't back you up when you didn't provide enough information.

Chain Smoker

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Maybe your circle of friends is different, but I'd estimate that about 70% of phone communications in my circle of friends is WhatsApp voice recordings.

Not countering you at all, wasn't in the last post either, your pal should be a bit more aware of what farms are like if you've been friends for years as much as you should be aware kids are a big huge drain.

...but I did not know people used that whatsapp function that much! Messages seem far better to me in just about every situation (you're guaranteed to be understood, the number of situations in which the message can be received is far higher, that kind of thing). Some kind of walkie talkie type communication over voice recordings seems so weird to me, I'd either send a text or (if it's more immediate) call them to make sure the point is gotten across asap.
The only times I send voice recordings are to let another person in on some annoying sound near me.



Other people: am I out of touch?

XR3i

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

tell him to feck off, he's not the boss of you

Amanda.ie

you'll be sorry to hear I'm meeting my friend for pints on Friday; I can only hope some of you can forgive me like he has.

Chances are you or he will cancel.

GLaDOS

Chain Smoker wrote: »

Not countering you at all, wasn't in the last post either, your pal should be a bit more aware of what farms are like if you've been friends for years as much as you should be aware kids are a big huge drain.

...but I did not know people used that whatsapp function that much! Messages seem far better to me in just about every situation (you're guaranteed to be understood, the number of situations in which the message can be received is far higher, that kind of thing). Some kind of walkie talkie type communication over voice recordings seems so weird to me, I'd either send a text or (if it's more immediate) call them to make sure the point is gotten across asap.
The only times I send voice recordings are to let another person in on some annoying sound near me.



Other people: am I out of touch?

I never bother listening to them the odd time my friends use them :pac:

Wigglepuppy

Amanda.ie wrote: »

You are wrong, unless you had a death in the family which is the only justifiable reason for cancelling at short notice.
I never cancel. People only cancel because they cant be arsed or got a better offer imo

In fairness there are other legitimate reasons for a non parent to cancel besides a death in a family - feeling unwell, weather making travel hazardous, an emergency in relation to family/friend/work, transport issue, opportunity that cannot be missed...

The poster in this case has been pretty vague though, which (I could be wrong) indicates just not being bothered, especially the stuff about it not being a big deal for the friend - it can be a big deal if you have a child and don't get out much, and maybe the friend did have plans; bad form just to assume he didn't (they might have been family plans). That's what I am critical of, not the cancellations themselves.

Chain Smoker

Wigglepuppy wrote: »

In fairness there are other legitimate reasons for a non parent to cancel besides a death in a family - feeling unwell, weather making travel hazardous, an emergency in relation to family/friend/work, transport issue, opportunity that cannot be missed...

The poster in this case has been pretty vague though, which (I could be wrong) indicates just not being bothered, especially the stuff about it not being a big deal for the friend - it can be a big deal if you have a child and don't get out much. That's what I am critical of, not the cancellations themselves.

I'd say they're on the defensive for sure, which is making him come across pretty bad, but I'd say he's gave enough detail. Farming in Ireland in the summer is a f*cking misery, your whole life is at the mercy of whenever those 3 days of sun come to get the ****ing fields cut and baled.

Amanda.ie

Wigglepuppy wrote: »

In fairness there are other legitimate reasons for a non parent to cancel besides a death in a family - feeling unwell, weather making travel hazardous, an emergency in relation to family/friend/work, transport issue, opportunity that cannot be missed...

The poster in this case has been pretty vague though, which (I could be wrong) indicates just not being bothered, especially the stuff about it not being a big deal for the friend - it can be a big deal if you have a child and don't get out much, and maybe the friend did have plans; bad form just to assume he didn't (they might have been family plans). That's what I am critical of, not the cancellations themselves.

What's being a parent got to do with it? using kids as an excuse is the worst reason to cancel.
The weather? come on when is it so bad we cant travel?
He couldn't be bothered and if i was his friend I wouldn't be bothered next time.

Tasden

Chain Smoker wrote: »

Not countering you at all, wasn't in the last post either, your pal should be a bit more aware of what farms are like if you've been friends for years as much as you should be aware kids are a big huge drain.

...but I did not know people used that whatsapp function that much! Messages seem far better to me in just about every situation (you're guaranteed to be understood, the number of situations in which the message can be received is far higher, that kind of thing). Some kind of walkie talkie type communication over voice recordings seems so weird to me, I'd either send a text or (if it's more immediate) call them to make sure the point is gotten across asap.
The only times I send voice recordings are to let another person in on some annoying sound near me.



Other people: am I out of touch?

I find it bizarre.

Like I said, maybe I'm missing out but it seems very strange to me.
A song I could understand but day to day chat I don't get it.
And using it to explain why you're cancelling, that just seems like a cop out when you couldn't be bothered actually ringing to apologise properly and face their reaction.

Calahonda52

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Jeez I didn't think I'd be having to defend myself here. I don't think my friend took the cancellation half as badly as some of you lot. It was a thread about where you draw the line on cancellations yourselves, you'll be sorry to hear I'm meeting my friend for pints on Friday; I can only hope some of you can forgive me like he has.

he just left a Viber message to cancel the Friday meet:D

Having read most of this, the answer lies in your moniker: your are a monster tyrant, period.

Chain Smoker

Chain Smoker wrote: »

I'd say they're on the defensive for sure, which is making him come across pretty bad, but I'd say he's gave enough detail. Farming in Ireland in the summer is a f*cking misery, your whole life is at the mercy of whenever those 3 days of sun come to get the ****ing fields cut and baled.

I work five days a week in Dublin and there's a farm to run at home, and things happen on farms that need attention. I'm not sure what extra information is needed. If someone (not including yourself here) doesn't understand why animals can't be left to their own devices, fair enough, but I'm not looking for permission. The thread was primarily supposed to be about other people's experiences.

I admit I was unintentionally vague in the O.P but I was primarily asking for AH experiences of cancelling and being cancelled upon.

Even though I expanded on my reason there are still people saying that 'nothing short of a death in the family' is acceptable, which is bizarre, to me.

Presumably I'm supposed to shell out a couple of hundred euro on Farm Relief to go for a few pints.

Amanda.ie

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I work five days a week in Dublin and there's a farm to run at home, and things happen on farms that need attention. I'm not sure what extra information is needed. If someone (not including yourself here) doesn't understand why animals can't be left to their own devices, fair enough, but I'm not looking for permission. The thread was primarily supposed to be about other people's experiences.

I admit I was unintentionally vague in the O.P but I was primarily asking for AH experiences of cancelling and being cancelled upon.

Even though I expanded on my reason there are still people saying that 'nothing short of a death in the family' is acceptable, which is bizarre, to me.

You came across as not giving any consideration at all to your friend or how he might feel.
I though you were cancelling because you couldn't be arsed.

The farm and the animals are ok during the week?

Amanda.ie

Amanda.ie wrote: »

The farm and the animals are ok during the week?

My brother is there, he can't always do a seven day week. Anything else, Guard?

Ok lads, I'm out before Amanda demands an inspection of the books.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm generally a really flaky person so I tend to not commit to anything till the last minute cos I know how annoying it is to be cancelled on.

The first time is understandable, but after the second time I'd never be making plans with you again OP.

the_syco

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I'm guessing his "plans" consist of minding the child. Perhaps ask your mate what day suits him for a meet up?

Your Face

Its all a bit tarty.

Sh1tbag OToole

Social gazumping they call it.

You agree to go to 2, 3 or 4 things a week in advance and you pick the one that most takes your fancy on the night. The 4th choice might not be a social event but rather netflix and nutella and a blanket. Where it falls apart is the 'gazumper' believes erronuously that they are the only person on this scheme. So 1-2 nights a week they're the gazumper, the other nights they are the gazumpee and if they're lucky they might end up going somewhere or meeting someone twice a week.

lawred2

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

Indeed.

The likely reason that the lad rarely socialises is his family. I know it's definitely my reason.

He twice made plans with you only for your self declared complex life to cause you to bail on him.

I hope your reasons were genuine. Even if they were you can hardly expect him to be too happy about it. You didn't even try calling.

Sh1tbag OToole

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

I'm generally a really flaky person so I tend to not commit to anything till the last minute cos I know how annoying it is to be cancelled on.

The first time is understandable, but after the second time I'd never be making plans with you again OP.

What causes you to flake? trying to get a unique insight into the mind of a flake here..

Wigglepuppy

Amanda.ie wrote: »

What's being a parent got to do with it? using kids as an excuse is the worst reason to cancel.
The weather? come on when is it so bad we cant travel?
He couldn't be bothered and if i was his friend I wouldn't be bothered next time.

You said the only legitimate excuse for cancelling is a death in the family - come on, that's very extreme! There are other legitimate excuses, and when I say the weather, I don't mean this specific incident, I mean in general - icy roads and very stormy weather (felling trees) are treacherous for driving.

Saying children are the worst excuse for cancelling is unrealistic at best - of course children can cause (directly or indirectly) plans to be scuppered. E.g. the babysitter cancelling or the child getting sick.

PARlance

Sh1tbag OToole wrote: »

What causes you to flake? trying to get a unique insight into the mind of a flake here..

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before.

XR3i

**** them, i've n better things to be doing than gaalivanting around the country talkin about the weather

Sh1tbag OToole

XR3i wrote: »

**** them, i've n better things to be doing than gaalivanting around the country talkin about the weather

There's a grand contraction in the evenings isn't there?

maudgonner

Oooh, forgot about this thread. Weren't they going to meet for pints on Friday? Wonder if poor Militiades got cancelled on?

boobar

lawred2 wrote: »

Indeed.

The likely reason that the lad rarely socialises is his family. I know it's definitely my reason.

He twice made plans with you only for your self declared complex life to cause you to bail on him.

I hope your reasons were genuine. Even if they were you can hardly expect him to be too happy about it. You didn't even try calling.

This is the crux of it. Lawred2 has nailed it, the chap doesn't get out much. Like Lawred2 I can relate to this as when you have a young kid and both parents working nights out are like gold dust. Flakes cancelling on you would leave you gutted for sure.