Cancelling on friends

Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

GLaDOS

Sounds like he just disappointed not to be able to catch up with you, especially after a second cancellation.

evolving_doors

Cut to the chase Op, what was yer excuse(s)?

Ya, you may find some people who make plans to meet 'good friends' do so at a cost to their own life (cancel or postponing a family occasion, forgoing work etc).

Go on.. This better be good.

Olishi4

I think if it's a thing that lots of people are meeting up then and just you are cancelling, it's grand but if you are arranging to just meet up specifically then maybe a bit more notice unless it's an emergency.

It does sound like your pal was just disappointed. Maybe it would be best to make sure that you don't cancel the next time.

Pawwed Rig

In the same position as your mate and the number of nights I have been out this year can be counted on 1 hand.
I would be seriously peeved if I was cancelled on by a friend without a very good reason.

maudgonner

I hate serial cancellers. If we've made definite plans and I have arranged things around it, then I would be pissed off if someone cancelled on me twice in quick succession, unless they had a good excuse. It sends out a message that the person isn't very important to you and you don't value their time.

If you can't commit to something then you should make that very clear when making any plans. To be honest you should have read the signals the first time you cancelled and he told you it had put him out, I don't know why you're surprised he's pissed off at you for cancelling at fairly short notice again.

Chain Smoker

Cancelling twice in a month is a level of flakiness that deserves to be called out imo. Even if you have good reasons for both occasions you can hardly be surprised that the other person will be a bit peeved, it chucks a weird kind of power dynamic into what sounds like an already waning friendship (i.e. "am I a loser for being the one who is repeatedly cancelled on?").

Surely everything depends on the reason for cancelling.

If a friend cancelled on me twice for no stated reason, I'd assume meeting up wasn't important to them. Of course if they gave a reason, and it was anyway half decent, I'd be much more likely to get over it.

Steve

You are in the wrong OP, once, fair enough, twice, with no real excuse... you are now an ex-friend.

I know many people like you, I pretty much ignore them now, life is too short.

endacl

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

In the same position as your mate and the number of nights I have been out this year can be counted on 1 hand.
I would be seriously peeved if I was cancelled on by a friend without a very good reason.

Wanna go for a pint?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Last weekend, I cancelled a drinks/ catch-up evening with a formerly-very-close schoolmate, whom I rarely see. It was the second cancellation this month.

Last weekend, I called him with a Whatsapp voice message to cancel, giving 24 hours notice, and got back a super bitchy reply, along the lines that he'd cancelled a lot of plans in order to 'set-aside time' to see me... acting like some sort of lawyer on a pro-bono scheme. The previous time I had to cancel he remarked that I had seriously disrupted his schedule but 'not to worry' (I didn't worry).

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

I consider myself a good friend, and I have always thought felt that this requires flexibility, and an awareness that adults have busy and complex lives. We can't always follow-through with our best intentions.

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

You don't seem all that bothered about not seeing him - are the cancellations genuine?

Del2005

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

Nothing is easy when kids are involved and getting a pass out for the night from the better half would involve a lot of work.

The fact that he's had to do it twice and you cancelled both times is a major inconvenience for him.

Pawwed Rig

endacl wrote: »

Wanna go for a pint?

Would you cancel on me via Whatsapp with 24 hours notice? ??

Tasden

Why a whatsapp voice message?
I'd just find that more bizarre than anything.

Maybe I'm missing out but I've never had a need to use that function, especially not to cancel on friends, I just call them or send a regular text.

jamesbere

You shouldn't be so quick to judge, he could have a lot going on you don't know about and was looking forward to meeting up.

arayess

people who cancel are d!cks*
once is ok if enough notice is given but a 2nd time...fcuk that

sorry OP if I was him I'd hate you too.


* usual emergency exceptions but not that your kid has a cold...like fcuk off

RobertKK

To cancel once is acceptable, to do it twice sends all the wrong signals and meeting that person is a chore that you don't want to do.

Loveinapril

Tasden wrote: »

Maybe I'm missing out but I've never had a need to use that function, especially not to cancel on friends, I just call them or send a regular text.

They are mad handy if you are driving or have loads to say and aren't in a position to text. I often send them if I have a funny story that is best told 'in person' but I don't wanna have a conversation.

mad muffin

Friends don't cancel on friends unless they have a very good reason. Twice in a row? Well then you're not really friends.

DopeTech

I'd be pissed off at you too tbh. As you said he doesn't do much on the weekends. He was probably looking forward to a night out away from the wife and kids. Cancelling twice is a bit of a douche move.

Thoie

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Is my friend's mentality normal, and am I in the wrong?

What's your policy on cancellations? Or are you a serial canceller?

It's the second cancellation that's the problem. They'd both want to be "my house is on fire" reasons (and genuine reasons, not some made up emergency), and even with that I'd do some serious grovelling.

Yes, flexibility is part of friendship, but if the other guy is the one who's always being flexible, I'm not surprised he's annoyed. Think about the last 3 times you've been flexible for him, and compare them with the last few times he's been the flexible one.

If you really want to catch up with him, why not offer to go out to his house some evening while his wife is out and he's home with the kids and keep him company?

Agricola

You remind me of a friend I used to have OP. It became clear that he couldn't give a toss how many times he cancelled plans or indeed bother to make plans for a future meetup. When it gets to that stage, "friend" isn't the correct word for the relationship.

Tasden

Loveinapril wrote: »

They are mad handy if you are driving or have loads to say and aren't in a position to text. I often send them if I have a funny story that is best told 'in person' but I don't wanna have a conversation.

See if I used it to tell a funny story it'd just be five minute recording of me trying to compose myself and stop laughing at the story rather than actally telling the story.

Widdershins

It doesn't matter if he's not a lawyer on a pro bono scheme. We all value our time. As has been said already, he's disappointed. Can you not make it up to him?

diomed

Don't be a promiser. Its just an excuse for not doing something.

Jay D

I very rarely break plans. I think I've broken one in my life.

There was a time I had been on a mega session arriving home at 1pm after a night out in Dublin, only to be on the road at 7 to get to a gathering in Kells.

It's just the way I am. I hate breaking plans and do get a bit annoyed when people do it a lot. Which is common.

Loveinapril

Tasden wrote: »

See if I used it to tell a funny story it'd just be five minute recording of me trying to compose myself and stop laughing at the story rather than actally telling the story.

That's what makes it funnier. I love hearing my friends' tones of voice or mannerisms in the messages. What is weird is I hate listening to voicemails though. I don't know why. I usually wait and do them all in one go purely to get that bloody icon off my screen.

The Jman

I don't know you Op but right now I hate you!!!

Sam Kade

Steve wrote: »

You are in the wrong OP, once, fair enough, twice, with no real excuse... you are now an ex-friend.

I know many people like you, I pretty much ignore them now, life is too short.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Outlaw Pete

This is why Christopher McCandless went off to live in the woods.

I'd be peeved at two cancellations, but I'd be really peeved if the canceller decided to text me that they were backing out instead of doing me the courtesy of calling me and explaining their reasons and apologising for the inconvenience.

There's no substitute for speaking to someone when you're letting them down, it's just good manners to do so.

Elliott S

Unless you had good reasons to cancel, he's right to be miffed. The fact that he had kids goes more towards explaining his annoyance. It's more difficult to organise outings for all my friends with kids and they really look forward to them when they are organised.

I always try to honour my commitments to friends. Flaky friends are the worst. They display a lack of regard for their supposed friends, IMO.

Your "I didn't worry" comment betrays a lack of respect for this friend.

Elliott S

Ouch, poor OP. The results are in!

osarusan

I stole this accordion from a blind monkey. But you, OP! You disgust even me!

Vojera

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Haven't heard from him since and haven't been in touch.

You haven't bothered getting in touch with him either. Why should he make the first move when he thinks you'll just cancel on him again?

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

The same guy rarely socialises, he lives in the suburbs with a child and wife, and by his own admission does very little on the weekends apart from playing tennis. I find it difficult to believe I interfered with any plans at all.

This makes it sound like you look down on his lifestyle, to be honest. You don't know what plans he had, even if it was stuff around the house, or what plans his wife may have had which meant finding a babysitter, etc.

Just accept that it's ****ty to cancel twice so close together unless you've a genuine reason, apologise sincerely and make the effort of going to see him.

suicide_circus

I never cancel on a friend. I just don't show up and switch off my phone.

sammyjo90

I'm your mate in this situation in my life at the moment. Except I told my friend how it felt being cancelled on and she turned it around that I was the bad guy and said I was severely over reacting.
Like everyone else said, your friend is probably just really disappointed and you don't understand why he is because he hasn't told you.
Send him a text and say sorry for cancelling and suggest something to re-arrange it

AppleBottle

It could have been that it had been the second time in a month and he was a little annoyed by it.


I'm not really one to cancel plans unless something major has come up. Last time I think I cancelled plans was due to a toothache and having to go to the dentist for a filing. My friends were going for a Chinese...Man, I really wanted that salt and chilli shredded chicken :P

If I was to cancel plans I would aim to give as much notice as I can. In the case above, it was a couple of hours because I had to see if I could get an appointment with the dentist. But I would very rarely be the one to cancel plans.

I had a friend cancel on me last week, I had ran for an earlier train home. Just about to hop on and let her know I made the earlier train and I get a text from her cancelling. This was an hour before we were due to meet. I was more annoyed that I didn't know what I was going to have for dinner

Snugglebunnies

I must be an awful friend! I often have to cancel plans because I'm a single parent and my only babysitting option is rather flaky. I feel bad now

Snugglebunnies

Snugglebunnies wrote: »

I must be an awful friend! I often have to cancel plans because I'm a single parent and my only babysitting option is rather flaky. I feel bad now

I don't think anyone minds if someone has to cancel through no fault of their own like that, especially if you take the time to call and apologise and explain rather than text. It's a lot to do with how it's handled rather than the cancelling alone.

Real friends understand the issues involved in situations like yours.

dreoilin

I'm a serial canceller, mainly because I make plans when I'm in a good mood and then the anxiety hits and I can't go through with it.

Katgurl

I feel really sorry for your friend.

He doesn't get out much and was probably looking forward to it. It's obvious to me you look down your nose at him with your remarks about his lack of plans so I'm sure he has a suspicion himself. You haven't said what your reasons were so I can assume your house didn't burn down or anything.

I get rid of friends who take me for granted. I'm lucky though becuase I have a pretty good network and am busy most of the time. If your mate is short on people he's probably prepared to put up with a bit more ****.

I think you should apologise and try to make it up to him.

Thoie

Snugglebunnies wrote: »

I must be an awful friend! I often have to cancel plans because I'm a single parent and my only babysitting option is rather flaky. I feel bad now

dreoilin wrote: »

I'm a serial canceller, mainly because I make plans when I'm in a good mood and then the anxiety hits and I can't go through with it.

Both of these are perfectly reasonable excuses, particularly if you make plans with the caveat "if the bloody babysitter shows up" or "if I can manage on the day". Obviously, the more notice, the better, particularly if you're meeting someone one on one.

The OP may have had good reasons to cancel that he doesn't want to share in public, which is fair enough, but his tone was extremely dismissive of his friend.

via4

Wel I can tell you now if he does very little socialising and not much on the weekends he would have been really excited to get to meet up with a friend and get a chance to do something finally so you have to understand his annoyance

evolving_doors

I think the OP has cancelled on this thread too...

We've all been suckered:pac::pac::pac:

Elliott S

Gebgbegb wrote: »

I think the OP has cancelled on this thread too...

We've all been suckered:pac::pac::pac:

Yes, why do I picture him sitting back and laughing at us?

Steve

Elliott S wrote: »

Yes, why do I picture him sitting back and laughing at us?

Laughing WITH us...

just like we are laughing WITH the OP...

Zxclnic

OP, you're a thundering disgrace. I fervently hope that the measured comments and contributions on this thread have disabused you of any notion that you're even a half-decent person. I would strongly suggest that you hang your head in shame and look deeply into your soul........... for only God himself can save you now.

Zxclnic

Zxclnic wrote: »

OP, you're a thundering disgrace. I fervently hope that the measured comments and contributions on this thread have disabused you of any notion that you're even a half-decent person. I would strongly suggest that you hang your head in shame and look deeply into your soul........... for only God himself can save you now.

:pac:

Steve

Zxclnic wrote: »

I would strongly suggest that you hang your head in shame and look deeply into your soul........... for only God himself can save you now.

God has no say here, maybe you meant to say Mod?

:pac:

Wigglepuppy

Snugglebunnies wrote: »

I must be an awful friend! I often have to cancel plans because I'm a single parent and my only babysitting option is rather flaky. I feel bad now

Why do you feel bad? That is a completely different scenario and easy to recognise.