Really Good Puns.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 08-10-2018 7:09pm #1

A good pun can be as funny as a good joke so if any of you have any funny puns why not post them. I'll get the ball rolling with a few good ones.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

It's OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

It's OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Doyler92 · 08-10-2018 7:10pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A good pun can be as funny as a good joke so if any of you have any funny puns why not post them. I'll get the ball rolling with a few good ones.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

I’ve just not had the time!

Ipso · 08-10-2018 7:11pm

I sued to be indecisive, now I'm not too sure.
Straight away, you got them by the nadgers.

corner of hells · 08-10-2018 7:12pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A good pun can be as funny as a good joke so if any of you have any funny puns why not post them. I'll get the ball rolling with a few good ones.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

I did and went back for seconds.

Ipso · 08-10-2018 7:12pm

corner of hells wrote: »

I did and went back for seconds.

Did you use both hands?

B0jangles · 08-10-2018 7:33pm

Best one I've ever seen.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 08-10-2018 7:42pm

I ate a clock once and now I have too much time on my hands.

McMurphy · 08-10-2018 7:51pm

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Cos he kneaded a poo.

TheValeyard · 08-10-2018 8:05pm

I cant take clock jokes seriously on boards ever since our regular troll posts his clock joke.

Ipso · 08-10-2018 8:20pm

Murray TheDemonic TalkingSkull wrote: »

I cant take clock jokes seriously on boards ever since our regular troll posts his clock joke.

Do they cause a tick?

ablelocks · 08-10-2018 8:33pm

the rope threads in BA tie themselves up in bad very bad excruciating puns

Graces7 · 08-10-2018 9:02pm

Lad at uni who used to drive us mad with bad puns.... we locked him in a room and told him we would let him out when he made a really good pun.... as we walked away we heard him wailing.... "O-PUN THE DOOR..."

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 08-10-2018 9:21pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A good pun can be as funny as a good joke so if any of you have any funny puns why not post them....

It would have been easier just to post a link. https://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F

Donald Trump · 08-10-2018 9:26pm

OP,

I read the first nine puns on your list.

They were shite

I gave it one more chance and read the next one.

Did even one of them make me laugh a little?

No. No pun in ten did

castletownman · 08-10-2018 9:29pm

The GF came home from Lidl with some baked goods for the tea a while back. Asked me did I want one.

'Donut mind if I do' says I.

It was the greatest spur of the moment joke I have ever had. I laughed at my own genius for ages

Donald Trump · 08-10-2018 9:31pm

castletownman wrote: »

The GF came home from Lidl with some baked goods for the tea a while back. Asked me did I want one.

'Donut mind if I do' says I.

It was the greatest spur of the moment joke I have ever had. I laughed at my own genius for ages

Your gf usually lets me give her one to be fair

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 08-10-2018 9:51pm

Up pun my word! I thought there was a gag thread here already.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 08-10-2018 9:53pm

My girlfriend asked me for an example of a double entendre, so I gave her one.

08-10-2018 10:12pm

Cupán tae yourselves.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-10-2018 12:05pm

Why was King Arthur's army to tired to fight?

It had too many sleepless Knights.

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland: Everyday it's Dublin.

09-10-2018 12:12pm

Likely the most famous pun ever made on Reddit really is a piece of genius.
Read from the very top to understand it.

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cfbkx/im_85_certain_that_there_is_an_adult_actress_in/c0s6bzw/?context=10000

The opening post will be closed because of that link so I'll post it below. The pun comes later.

I'm 85% certain that there is an adult actress in my philosophy class.

Probably Lexi Belle, but I don't know. Any suggestions on how I can know for sure? It would be too hard (and unethical) to take a picture and put it up here... and going up to her and saying, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" would probably be a bad idea.

Hungrycol · 09-10-2018 12:28pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A good pun can be as funny as a good joke so if any of you have any funny puns why not post them. I'll get the ball rolling with a few good ones.

It's OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.

This only works in a 'merican accent.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-10-2018 5:58pm

ebay is useless i tried to look up lighters but it only showed up 12,320 matches.

I worked as a banker but I lost interest.

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

I tried writing a song about tortillas but it ended up as a rap.

blade1 · 09-10-2018 6:56pm

A fella I know got his left testicle removed.
Now he is a right bollocks!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-10-2018 7:19pm

I had jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter now because they never work.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but I changed my mind.

I hate insect jokes the bug me.

Duck Soup · 09-10-2018 8:38pm

[say in a Scottish accent] What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings, but Walt disnae.

A friend challenged the American writer Dorothy Parker to come up with a sentence utilising the word 'horticulture'. Parker replied "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."

On another occasion, Parker was in a hotel when she saw an attractive young society woman, famous for her dalliances with members of the legal profession. The woman was hobbling, having acquired a broken leg on a skiing holiday. Parker's friend said "Goodness, what happened to her?" Parker replied "She broke her leg sliding down a barrister."

If you don't like these puns, then in the words of Groucho Marx, fine. Leave in a huff. If that's too soon then leave in a minute and a huff.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-10-2018 9:37pm

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm waiting to see how they turn out.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

pickarooney · 09-10-2018 9:49pm

Why does everyone drink coffee in the Gaeltacht?
Because there's a bean an tí.

newport2 · 09-10-2018 11:08pm

Did you hear about the carrot that died?

There was a big turnip at the funeral.

And the priest said "lettuce pray"

The Rape of Lucretia · 09-10-2018 11:34pm

Hector Bellend · 10-10-2018 12:42am

Joe Duffy should read this. He'd have a raging horn.

sligojoek · 10-10-2018 1:36am

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Joe Duffy should read this. He'd have a raging horn.

All saved on the eyePad for use in the future.

In other news,

The writing is on the wall for graffiti artists.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-10-2018 3:44pm

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

DJIMI TRARORE · 10-10-2018 11:16pm

My dad died last week,he was a roofer,so, dad if your up there

StupidLikeAFox · 11-10-2018 12:17am

Murray TheDemonic TalkingSkull wrote: »

I cant take clock jokes seriously on boards ever since our regular troll posts his clock joke.

You'll get over it with time. Just watch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 8:21am

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte and then everything crashed.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

CPTM · 11-10-2018 8:26am

Jenny found it hard to be with her OCD boyfriend, because every time she got turned on, he turned her off again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 6:39pm

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off

whiskeyman · 11-10-2018 7:21pm

DJIMI TRARORE wrote: »

My dad died last week,he was a roofer,so, dad if your up there

He lives a happy life I reckon.
I bet he had many a night on the tiles...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 7:39pm

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me something smells.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

DJIMI TRARORE · 11-10-2018 10:39pm

Here's a pic of me with REM,that's me in the corner

Rumor has it that Cadburys have launched a new chocolate bar in Asia,but I think it's a Chinese Wispa

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-10-2018 4:44pm

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a sh*t in days.

This morning some clown opened the door for me.

I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Whats the first thing I did this morning is when i woke up?

I looked under the bed to see if I had lost any sleep.

Will I Am Not · 12-10-2018 4:49pm

My father was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out so I asked my mother what was wrong with him. She said he was just going through a rough patch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-10-2018 5:13pm

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

pxdf9i5cmoavkz · 12-10-2018 5:45pm

Will Glass Coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Salvation Tambourine · 12-10-2018 6:42pm

I was listing out all the results from my blood tests yesterday and got to the results for Urea, "What's Urea?" my mam asks: "Something you listen with but that's not important right now".

Classic Airplane inspired pun.

DJIMI TRARORE · 12-10-2018 9:10pm

I went looking for a pair of camouflage trousers,couldn't find any

spurious · 12-10-2018 9:13pm

To be said in Scottish accent (preferably Glasgae).
Is that an eclair or a meringue?

Allinall · 12-10-2018 9:24pm

Entered a load of smart one liners in a competition, hoping that one would win the big prize.

No pun in ten did.

blade1 · 13-10-2018 4:51am

Allinall wrote: »

Entered a load of smart one liners in a competition, hoping that one oils win the big prize.

No pun in ten did.

I can see why!:P:

Smart Bug · 13-10-2018 7:31am

Tommy Cooper, pun master:

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Really Good Puns.

Comments