Really Good Puns.

sligojoek · 10-10-2018 01:36AM

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Joe Duffy should read this. He'd have a raging horn.

All saved on the eyePad for use in the future.

In other news,

The writing is on the wall for graffiti artists.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-10-2018 03:44PM

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

DJIMI TRARORE · 10-10-2018 11:16PM

My dad died last week,he was a roofer,so, dad if your up there

StupidLikeAFox · 11-10-2018 12:17AM

Murray TheDemonic TalkingSkull wrote: »

I cant take clock jokes seriously on boards ever since our regular troll posts his clock joke.

You'll get over it with time. Just watch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 08:21AM

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte and then everything crashed.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

CPTM · 11-10-2018 08:26AM

Jenny found it hard to be with her OCD boyfriend, because every time she got turned on, he turned her off again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 06:39PM

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off

whiskeyman · 11-10-2018 07:21PM

DJIMI TRARORE wrote: »

My dad died last week,he was a roofer,so, dad if your up there

He lives a happy life I reckon.
I bet he had many a night on the tiles...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-10-2018 07:39PM

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me something smells.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

DJIMI TRARORE · 11-10-2018 10:39PM

Here's a pic of me with REM,that's me in the corner

Rumor has it that Cadburys have launched a new chocolate bar in Asia,but I think it's a Chinese Wispa

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-10-2018 04:44PM

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a sh*t in days.

This morning some clown opened the door for me.

I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Whats the first thing I did this morning is when i woke up?

I looked under the bed to see if I had lost any sleep.

Will I Am Not · 12-10-2018 04:49PM

My father was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out so I asked my mother what was wrong with him. She said he was just going through a rough patch.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-10-2018 05:13PM

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

pxdf9i5cmoavkz · 12-10-2018 05:45PM

Will Glass Coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Salvation Tambourine · 12-10-2018 06:42PM

I was listing out all the results from my blood tests yesterday and got to the results for Urea, "What's Urea?" my mam asks: "Something you listen with but that's not important right now".

Classic Airplane inspired pun.

DJIMI TRARORE · 12-10-2018 09:10PM

I went looking for a pair of camouflage trousers,couldn't find any

spurious · 12-10-2018 09:13PM

To be said in Scottish accent (preferably Glasgae).
Is that an eclair or a meringue?

Allinall · 12-10-2018 09:24PM

Entered a load of smart one liners in a competition, hoping that one would win the big prize.

No pun in ten did.

blade1 · 13-10-2018 04:51AM

Allinall wrote: »

Entered a load of smart one liners in a competition, hoping that one oils win the big prize.

No pun in ten did.

I can see why!:P:

Smart Bug · 13-10-2018 07:31AM

Tommy Cooper, pun master:

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

OwaynOTT · 13-10-2018 08:39AM

Do you have any easy books on ventriloquism?
I think we have ventriloquism for dummies.

Not sure if it's a pun but I think it may be the best on the spot reaction I ever came up with.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 01:19PM

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10 tickles.

My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks.

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

GarIT · 13-10-2018 02:15PM

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo is given before leaving the factory?

TestTickles

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 02:54PM

I like bowling.

Seriously, it’s right up my alley.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

But I lost my case.

What do you call a goat that’s lazy?

Billy Idle.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

Capt'n Midnight · 13-10-2018 02:56PM

If you have to kill a circus, go for the jugular.

pickarooney · 13-10-2018 03:01PM

spurious wrote: »

To be said in Scottish accent (preferably Glasgae).
Is that an eclair or a meringue?

Yer no wrang, it is an eclair

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 03:10PM

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?

Billy Jean King.

Deja Boo · 14-10-2018 03:48AM

What did the duvet say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-10-2018 02:33PM

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France?

He was in Sein.

I'm glad I know sign language.

It's pretty handy.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-10-2018 11:27AM

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Really Good Puns.

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