What's the etiquette here??

TomasMacR wrote: »

I’m confused by this. Yer man had some kind of **** tool bag he used bring to the jacks?

Perhaps it was some sort of “kit”, one containing reading “material”, “essential” oils and maybe a power bar in case of over indulging.

Or maybe he had some sort of chemistry set that could give him an accurate sperm count.

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Is it usual etiquette to cover the residual floater sonetimes left behind after the flush, with a single sheet of paper. Usually has a high fat content turd that calved of the main turd, that resists the centrifugal/gravimetric force of the flush. Often with two pieces of sweetcorn as additional buoyancy aids.

Well if it isnt, it should.

If you are regularly getting one of these buoyant bastards I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest a change in diet, maybe try adding more fibre intake.

You could do this with the addition of bran to your morning porridge or possibly with some sort of supplement.

Would I be right in thinking you’d be a “gassy” fella? Bacteria in the gut likes to feast on the shítty matter within and this produces gas, once this stuff gets imbedded into the stool you could use them to keep a small child afloat in a swimming pool.

You’d want to be putting more than a simple sheet on it if you’re looking to get that up pass down under the “arch”, it’s weight you need as modern fracking techniques would have no effect on such a small scale.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Every November I give up the gargle for the month, and try and embrace all that bollocks about 'clean eating' and 'clean living'. Cut out the takeaways, don't use one cigarette to light the next one, put some coleslaw in my ham and cheese sandwich to get half a portion of fruit and veg into my diet, etc. :rolleyes:


I was boning this bird at the time, and she was telling me about making those smoothie yokes for breakfast. So I started, and ordered this powder called Complete Greens off the internet. 28 green fruit and vegetables in it, and 7 portions of greens in one serving. I'd fúck a couple of spoons of it into the smoothie each morning. Vile stuff - horrific.


The logs though! Your body would give you the signal about 2 minutes in advance that you would be advised to move away from other humans, find a toilet or other receptacle, and prepare for something extraordinary. The head of it would be drowned to death while the end of it would still be saying goodbye to the lower parts of your digestive system.



Have a quick gawk, and you couldn't help but laugh - real Titanic sort of affair. Think more Megadeath than Celine Dion though.

Did you drive up her Hershey Highway when she was on that stuff?

That could have been one for the ages...

Former Observer wrote: »

Yah I thought so too but i had taco chips and cheese the other night on mccurtain street and it was divine. Looks identical coming out to going in tho.

That brings us to a new genre- curries.

Living now in England means that Indians are the take away of choice rather than Chinese you get in Ireland.

Now not sure about anyone else but my digestive system cannot handle Indian curries so I've suffered a good few times. I love it the spicier the better but being the right hard man after a few beers there is no stopping me. Took a few years to finally cop on- now just Korma's and not after 7pm.

I would go right through me the following morning. Many a time I sat wimpering like a lost puppy on the toilet head in hands wiping the sweat from my brow and cursing the fcukers that took me out. Arse red raw and ****ting through the eye of an needle 6 times before 10am.

One night the now wife was away so I decided to have a Vindaloo...even the Indian lads in the restaurant asked me twice to double check. The wife had to be away as there was no way I could **** my brains out with her in the house.

Christ above...I flayed and thrashed my way around the kitchen in agony like I'd been shot while downing milk. Throwing myself from counter top to counter wiping away beads of sweat.

I actually do not recall the next day. I guess the body just blocks out such memories like women and childbirth.

Don't eat Vindaloo at least not sober.

Get your own private cubicle if you're so bothered ye idiot.

I only ever go poo if the toilet is empty too though. Thats my own security problem, the same as you.

He wasn't in the wrong just because you're uncomfortable hearing someone else go toilet.

dartboardio wrote: »

Get your own private cubicle if you're so bothered ye idiot.

I only ever go poo if the toilet is empty too though. Thats my own security problem, the same as you.

He wasn't in the wrong just because you're uncomfortable hearing someone else go toilet.

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

This can be achieved in most starting stalls with a 20c coin, and locking the trap after you.
An effective "reservation" if you will

I think we’ve gotten off the mark again here. The issue isn’t sharing the toilet, having someone come in or whatever.

This about two colleagues in one place, a toilet with only two stalls and one colleague going into the other stall while the other guy in there. This is the issue. And it is clearly in breach of standard toilet usage, be it between work colleagues or personal friends.

It would be great to have your own jacks or get to lock everyone else out but no one really minds when they don’t know who’s in the stall next to them.

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Im sorry, youre right.
Strayed off topic with a protip
May be worthy of a seperate thread

Apology accepted, let’s put it behind us now.

There’s a couple of potentially separate threads in here, the “work ****” for one. Could even add a poll to see who does it and who lies.

TomasMacR wrote: »

I’ve a theory on those floating turds. I don't think its dietary. They could be down to a thing called hydraulic jumps which is what drowns loads of dumb ass kayakers going down small flowing dams. End up in a washing machine. I’ve been working on the below all night and replaced the hapless dumbass kayaker with a turd to prove my theory.




https://youtu.be/GVDpqphHhAE

That is certainly a very interesting theory, one that doesn’t fully discount the effect of gas bubbles within the stool itself. There is certainly enough there that would warrant further study.

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

Are you a horse, or what?

It’s above average, alright. Certainly never had any complaints.

TomasMacR wrote: »

I’ve a theory on those floating turds. I don't think its dietary. They could be down to a thing called hydraulic jumps which is what drowns loads of dumb ass kayakers going down small flowing dams. End up in a washing machine. I’ve been working on the below all night and replaced the hapless dumbass kayaker with a turd to prove my theory.




https://youtu.be/GVDpqphHhAE

The main weakness in the above theory is that the water in a kayak situation has room to bulge upward into the surrounding atmosphere. Whereas the U Bend and waste pipe is a sealed water right environment with no where to go.

We cannot ignore the consistency, length, size and solubility of the turd. All turds are not created equally.

Where is the control?

Ush1 wrote: »

The kayak floats in such a way as it is full of air, composition of the stool is very relevant here.

Indeed, it's made of plastic!!

I would add that kayaks are consistent whereas turd are not.

I would be of the opinion that if you are regularly pebble dashing the toilet bowel outside of a hard weekend of boozing then you have some gastrointestinal issues that need medical investigation.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I was over in Germany about a year ago at a trade conference, and made an absolute pig of myself - kebabs every night stumbling home from the boozer, sausages for breakfast, smoking 40 a day, drinking about 6 litres of beer per day. My digestive system was in tatters by the end - squirting out pure stomach acid, and left with a hole like the tale light on a Massey Ferguson 135. There was a hellish mixture of painful 'ring sting' and almost unbearable itch as well. The German equivalent of Renne wasn't working, and I was considering visiting a hospital to see if I was dying. Ended up just sticking a few bags of peas in the minibar and using them on rotation to keep the pain to a minimum. A mild hydrocortisone cream also helped tremendously.

Don't know how serious pintmen or beer merchants deal with that side-effect. They must never have anything that approaches a solid movement.

You might want to consider hitting the spirits and mixers instead of beers for long preplanned sessions. The fallout is nowhere near as radioactive.

Just after sluicing out a nice buttery baton round....


Been a bit bound so I thought I’d mark the occasion.

Regular showering and a solid wiping routine should keep the average hole itch free.

If you feel like it’s itching more than usual you should get checked out. You could have worms or something more severe.

You can get de-worming medicine over the counter so no need for any potentially embarrassing inspection by your local GP, I know this as it happened someone I know. My own hoop is pristine and rarely ever itchy.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Any idea on what caused you to get bound up? It’s never a pleasant experience. I recommend getting plenty of fibre into your diet, along with leafy green vegetables. Stay away from the near dated beer shelf in JC’s as well

You could have something there, John.

Had a spicy Korean stir fry tonight,so expecting the sump valve to be a tad angry amarach.

I have a damp handkerchief in the fridge so she could be lodged for a while in the morning.

Either that or a few squarts of cold water from the chicken baster.