The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

blade1 · 08-09-2018 8:26pm

donegal_man wrote: »

I think everyone saw that coming!

Surprising the father didn't!

Try_harder · 08-09-2018 8:27pm

Chromosomes, a beginner's guide:

XY = Male
XX = Female
YYY = Delilah

lawred2 · 08-09-2018 8:27pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

His balls?

Capt'n Midnight · 08-09-2018 8:29pm

If Theresa May does Boris Johnson’s divorce, he’ll end up with a huge settlement and still be married afterwards.

New Home · 08-09-2018 8:40pm

Try_harder wrote: »

Read the thread

https://twitter.com/orkneylibrary/status/1036624470121820161?s=21

"John Williams‏ @johnwwilliams Sep 4 Replying to @OrkneyLibrary
I thought of sharing my own joke about Fortnite, but it’s too weak."

:D:D

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-09-2018 11:48am

A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: How can you be our bell-ringer without arms? He replied Arms? Who needs arms? So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower. A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: Who is this guy? The priest says I don't know, but his face rings a bell.

A choir boy sneaks into a confession booth and then walks in a nun. She says Father forgive me for I have sinned I have performed oral sex on someone, tell me my punishment please Father. The choir boy runs out and finds another choir boy and asks what does the father give for oral sex?The other choir boy says I don't know about you but he gives me a coke and a bag of chips.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-09-2018 1:02pm

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, What are you nuts? There is no way that could happen. No, it's true, said the first man, let me prove it to you. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. Where he meets the second man, who looked quite astonished. The second man says you know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke. No, I'll prove it again, says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. Well, what the hell the second guy says, it works, I'll try it He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a splat. Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, amd saying to him. You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-09-2018 2:41pm

"Your brother used to ring the bell with his face," said the Bishop. "Will you do that, too, or will you use your arms?" The hunchback's brother replies "If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!" So saying, he runs full bore at the bell, glances off it with his face, falls out the window and to his death in the street below.

The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd gathers. A policeman arrives and asks the bishop "Do you know who this man is?" The bishop replies, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

....

The policeman then asks if the bishop had hired him "Yes," replies the Bishop, "but I had a hunchback there nothing good would come of it."

Jimmy. · 09-09-2018 4:48pm

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-09-2018 6:04pm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

A broke tired and dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the barman gimme whiskey. The bartender says, I'll have to see your money first..I'm broke says the cowboy but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie. The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song before so he agrees. The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to sh*t all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave. The bartender screams you said you were gonna fart Dixie not sh*t all over my stage and the Cowboy replies, Hey even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-09-2018 6:21pm

A girl goes to Westminster Abbey church a week before her wedding to confess her sins to the priest. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.Tell me all of your sins my dear. Oh Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times, she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.. Will this cleanse my soul of my sins the girl asks. No the priest says, But it'll wipe that smile off your face.

An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow! How long has it been since your last Confession ? asks the priest. I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish. Then why are you telling me this? I'm telling everyone father.

CarrickMcJoe · 10-09-2018 7:41pm

Guy storms into his wife doctors surgery and threatened to knock his block off. " My wife is at home very distressed because you told her she has a lovely gee", he shouted....

Noooo, said the scared doc, " I told her she had acute angina "..…..

Capt'n Midnight · 10-09-2018 9:08pm

My wife lights up the room when she walks in.

Despite it only being 6pm and me having to pay for the electricity.

10-09-2018 10:49pm

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 9:23am

Garden Of Eden

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.

At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise.

They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hole, and filled her with passion, beyond her control. backward and forward, His thing did slide, and Eve's treasure, was all wet inside.

The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice. Then down through the years, people did screw, and now it is time, for me and you. So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, for a piece of that ASS!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 6:03pm

A guy goes on to a ship to sail and work but he notices no women on board so he runs to the Capitan. Captain theres no women on borad what will we do for pleasure? Captain Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur d*ck in that barrel and everything will be alright. So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens.He runs to the captain and says Captain Captain i stuck my d*ck in the barrel and nothing happed! Captain Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 7:58pm

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 8:05pm

I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 8:50pm

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get nowhere. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if he was grabbing the wheel.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 9:40pm

Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness.

They found it hiding behind two other genes

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 9:45pm

I bought my Grandson an Action Man for his birthday, but he told me he really wanted a Red Indian.

Since then I've been trying to put a brave face on it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 9:53pm

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, dam that's the ugliest fu*kin' baby I've ever seen. In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.You're right she said. I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.That's a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

M.T. Cranium · 12-09-2018 2:38am

I predict the next thing you will read is the funniest thing ever seen on the internet.

the funniest thing ever seen on the internet.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-09-2018 6:21pm

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?" "Well," says the doctor, "I suggest this: on your way home stop about two blocks from home and drop her off. If she makes it home, don't fu*ck her.

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a sh*t in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies No.So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit.

A man was being interviewed for a job. Were you in the service? asked the interviewer. Yes says I was a Marine, responded the man. Did you see any active duty? I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability. May I ask what happened? Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.The somewhat surprised man asked, When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability. Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you, explained the interviewer. Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first so you can start at 10 o' clock.

byrner88 · 13-09-2018 1:22am

A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," said the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
She says "Well You have to stand in the shower,"

dilallio · 13-09-2018 2:43pm

ME: what ya up to?
HER: eating a sandwich and catching up on Game of Thrones
ME: oh, SPOILER ALERT the-
HER: LALALALALA NOT LISTENING
[HOUR LATER]
HER: *throwing up*
ME: I was trying to tell you that the deli meat in there is like 6 months old

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-09-2018 6:00pm

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second,the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says it's paradise my boy. Ok whats in between your legs and he says its the key to paradise.And the boy goes well you better get that lock changed because that pri*k next door has a spare key.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out. As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, Ma'm, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, Why, officer? Well, your breast is hanging out.She looks down and says oh my god I left the baby on the bus.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-09-2018 6:42am

A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often should you have it? His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, Well how about you and grandma now? His grandfather replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.What's oral sex? The young man asked. Well, grandpa said, she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells, Fu*k you and I holler back, Fu*k you too.

chewed · 14-09-2018 6:52am

What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing – he was Gladiator

ArnoldJRimmer · 14-09-2018 11:17am

chewed wrote: »

What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing – he was Gladiator

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with pubic hair between his teeth?

Gladiator

Jimmy. · 14-09-2018 2:37pm

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-09-2018 3:53pm

While out one morning in the park, Andy Murray found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. What's that?she asked, with her eyes gleaming with lust . It's a tennis ball replies Andy Murray.Oh,says the blonde sympathetically, that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once.

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and decided to take it out for a drive on the motorway. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided too put the boot down. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.There is no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and up the speed further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. He says to himself what am I doing? Then he thought to himself I better pull over. The police officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It's been a long hard day says the police officer, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.The guy thinks about it for a second and says, Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back. Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

GBX · 15-09-2018 12:09am

Man applies for a job with the Gardai.
The Inspector says, "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go and shoot 6 knackers and a rabbit"!

Bloke asks "Why the rabbit"?

Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude. See you Monday"!

Capt'n Midnight · 15-09-2018 12:40am

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 15-09-2018 2:22pm

There was a queen and her three knights and the queen said go on a journey, and who ever comes back with the most ping pong balls will be the king.So the knights go on their way.A few days later one knight come to the queen with 1000 ping pong balls. The next day the second knight comes with 10000 ping pong balls. About two or three days later the third one come with no ping pong balls but with bruises, scratches, and a broken leg. The queen says to the knight where are all of your ping pong balls? and the knight says Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong balls.

A middle aged management executive was told by his doctor that he should start playing some sort of sport so he decides to play table tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. It's going fine, the manager says.When I'm playing and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really his secretary replies. What happens then the secretary asks?"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-09-2018 1:41pm

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in and asks the dog what have you done with your life?. The dog replies I’ve led a very full life. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that? The owner says, Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.

A child psychologist had twin boys one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse sh*it.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

What’s wrong? The father asked.

I have a ton of game manuals to read and I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of horse sh*it. Why are you so happy asked the father?

The optimist shouted, There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-09-2018 8:52pm

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

Ted_YNWA · 16-09-2018 8:58pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

I guess they couldn't see that lightbulb moment.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-09-2018 10:29pm

A Rabbi and a Priest have a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.The Priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. The Rabbi continues, And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The Priest asks, Aren't you having any? The Rabbi replies, No...I think I'll wait for the police to come.

GBX · 17-09-2018 2:45pm

I dont understand women at all. I constantly hear them say "I want a guy who is funny and spontaneous" .... but when I show up at 2am dressed up as a clown its all panic and screaming!!!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 17-09-2018 5:43pm

What’s wrong, Bubba? asked the priest.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The priest put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how’s your hearing now?

I don’t know, said Bubba. It isn’t until next Tuesday.

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.
It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.

Eyve's Online Dateing Profile

Eve

Sex: Female

Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old

Location: Over by some ferns

Height: A tall vine

Weight: A bunch of sticks

Body Type: Only female type there is

Favorite music: Birds

Favorite movies: Birds

Favorite food: Birds

Hobbies: Being tempted, birds

Profession: Woman

Personality: Very easily tempted

Turn-ons: Adam, birds

Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks

Looking for: The only other person in existence

Suckit · 17-09-2018 9:39pm

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters..

.. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 17-09-2018 9:44pm

Before beginning the service, our priest read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning, he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, Jesus is watching you. Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, Jesus is watching you.This time, he sees a parrot.

Who are you? the burglar asks.

Moses, the bird replied.

Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.

I dunno, Moses answered, I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

jimgoose · 18-09-2018 2:06pm

After years of careful study of ancient Coptic texts, theologians have recently concluded that Noah built a second boat. It was huge, featuring several separate decks, and filled exclusively with Koi fish.

It was a multi-storey Carp Ark.

seagull · 18-09-2018 4:38pm

Life is like ....

A ball hair on a urinal.

Sooner or later, you get pissed off.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 18-09-2018 4:46pm

Religion is generally a forbidding topic for everyone at work, except for Harry. Recently, after he started yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, That Harry, he always has to get his two saints in.

Mick was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular dating website. The ad said, simply:Wife wanted.

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: You can have mine.

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?

She answered, I do.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 18-09-2018 7:18pm

A guy walks in to the bathroom to take leak after drinking a couple of pitchers of beer on St. Patrick's Day. When short after a real short guy wearing a leprechauns costume walks in to use the urinal next to him. For some reason the guy happens to glans over and sees this little guy has a huge cock. Out of curiosity the guy ask the leprechaun man how can I get my cock to grow that big. The leprechaun turns and says in a Irish voice, not to worry laddy I'm a leprechaun, I will grant you one wish If ya let me ram it in yur ass laddy. The guy replies, fu*k off I'm not gay. Never the less the leprechaun says your loss and starts to walk away. The guy being drunk turns around and says hold on, are you really a Leprechaun? The leprechaun reply's well you see me top hat don't ya and you see me green suit don't ya, and it's not even St. pattys day, what more proof do you need laddy. The guy stands there and thinks to himself he does have a point. So the guy after pondering for a while agrees, Ok man on one condition you can't tell anybody about this. Leprechaun replies not to worry laddy, besides who would believe me anyway. So here is this leprechaun going to town on this poor fella, when all of sudden he stops and ask the guy, By the way laddy , how old are you? The guy replies I'm 25yrs old , why do you ask?The short man replied now without the Irish accent, I'm just wondering why does a grown 25yr old man still believe in leprechauns?

TheBody · 18-09-2018 7:23pm

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 18-09-2018 7:46pm

At what time do most people go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty (2:30).

What is a dentist's office? A filling station.

What did the dentist say to the computer? This won't hurt a byte.

Why did the cheerleader go to the dentist? She needed a root canal.

Why did the king go to the dentist? To get a new crown.

Why did the deer need braces? He had buck teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie.

An orthodontist gets to the root of the problem.

A good dentist is a little picky, a great dentist never gets on your nerves.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-09-2018 11:50pm

They say the pain during childbirth is so great that a woman can almost imagine what man flu feels like.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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