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01-07-2017, 01:54   #61
thesandeman
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Originally Posted by PlentyOhToole View Post
^^^need to post that in the motors forum
Apt username.
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01-07-2017, 10:02   #62
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Originally Posted by MonkieSocks
â€Because†replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar!â€

That is worse than anything even my dad has come out with....
...but I'm still chuckling like a child at it !
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01-07-2017, 10:08   #63
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A German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, but I must varn you I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this strange but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees"

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds this all very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing...... what do you call that?"

"Ah" says the German...... I am an automotive engineer with Audi.....

"Four sprung duck technique"

Audi 1 - Jaguar 0
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01-07-2017, 12:16   #64
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I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But heck, he could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That **** is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!
I love Mich Hedberg's duck routine.
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02-07-2017, 23:31   #65
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That is worse than anything even my dad has come out with....
...but I'm still chuckling like a child at it !

Tell him this one,( try to do a Posh interviewer's voice and a Cornish Farmers voice )



Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?


Farmer: It’s also mine
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03-07-2017, 13:09   #66
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Tom McInerney gets a job in London working on a main sewer upgrade job.
One morning the foreman gets a call saying 2 artic loads of supplies are on the way. In a panic he runs out trying to get men to help unload the lorries. No one to be seen above ground but he hears noise coming from a manhole close by.
He shouts down into the hole " Who's working down there? "
"Just me Tom McInerney "
"Right so" says the foreman "Could 3 of ye come up to help unload the lorries.
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04-07-2017, 12:23   #67
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As I was buying a pint at the bar I noticed 2 fat birds eyeing me up
"Alright sexy" They said, "You can probably tell we're sisters can't you"

"I certainly can" I replied, "How's Cinderella doing then??"
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04-07-2017, 23:25   #68
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit my cock and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!
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05-07-2017, 04:13   #69
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot ya feckin racist
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05-07-2017, 17:40   #70
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[QUOTE=Awesomeness;103994738]What do you call a black man flying a plane?/QUOTE]

Tuskegee
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06-07-2017, 13:56   #71
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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06-07-2017, 14:18   #72
foxy farmer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ericl View Post
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I never knew that the Caribbean had joined the Eurozone!
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06-07-2017, 14:52   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ericl View Post
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
You never said how much a cream pie was
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06-07-2017, 19:16   #74
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You never said how much a cream pie was
Two-Fiddy
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07-07-2017, 09:51   #75
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Two-Fiddy
Tree-fiddy
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